No Guarantees

Perhaps it is because I'm a worrier by nature, or maybe because I knew so many who had lost babies of their own, but even in my first and second pregnancies I never felt as though things would just be fine and I wouldn't need to be concerned about losing my babies. There was always a part of me which remained reserved and didn't want to expect that my children would be born healthy and would live beyond their birth. Maybe God was just preparing me and giving me some insight that I wasn't yet to fully understand. Well, those two precious children of mine were born, but their lives did not begin without difficulty. With my Bug, I had Pree_clampsia and our lives hung in the balances during the last week and during the delivery. God protected us and that Bug is doing so well. With my Buzz, the pregnancy was fine but following delivery I had a superficial blood clot on my leg and then Buzz was admitted to the hospital just 3 days later for an unknown virus and also dehydration. He nearly died. It was a scary time to say the least. But again, God protected that dear boy of mine and revived him. He is strong and feisty and we are so glad.

In November 2010, we had our first known miscarriage. I was so early on in the pregnancy, probably 5-6 weeks. But it was such a blow. In January 2011, we had another miscarriage, also between 5-6 weeks gestation. After these two miscarriages I really wondered what was going on and if there was something more happening in my body. Dr. M had many tests drawn on me and nothing too earth shattering was found at that point. In a way that was comforting, but I still wondered if something was wrong. Several months later, August 1st, 2011, we found out that we were expecting another baby. The excitement was so strong, yet the reservation was there and I didn't want to get too excited for fear that we may lose this one as well. In the early weeks of the pregnancy, I had my first OB appointment with Dr. M. She thought about my medical history for a few minutes and decided that I needed to be seen by a Hem_atologist for further blood work, to see if there might be a blood disorder which had contributed to the Pree_clampsia, superficial blood clot and two miscarriages. Dr. T found that I have Factor V Lei_den, a fairly common blood clotting disorder. It sounds more intense than it is. What I learned is that I have about a 1% chance of developing a blood clot in my lifetime, and of course that risk goes up slightly during pregnancy. With the new pregnancy underway, the dr's decided that I needed to take baby as_pirin to hopefully avoid developing a blood clot in the pregnancy. And then following delivery, I would need to take a blood thinner called Lov_enox for 4-6 weeks. (I'm currently taking that blood thinner and it's going okay - it just stings, but I've gotten really brave about injecting myself...something I never thought I could do.)

The pregnancy sailed along quite smoothly and I began having regular ultr_asounds and N_ST's each week near the end to monitor baby's growth, health and to hopefully spot any clotting if it were to appear. Things seemed really good. My last ultr_asound and N_ST happened just days before we learned of Solveig's passing - I was 33 weeks along - only 4 weeks from being considered full term. It's amazing how quickly things can change. And also amazing that the cord and all of its tangles were not visible on that screen. And we don't know when the cord was tangled - it might have happened right near the end, or perhaps it was in the works at that ultrasound. These are things we may never know until we get to Heaven.

All this to say, there is only so much that we can humanly do here on this Earth to monitor the progress of a baby inside. And there is only so much we can do during a delivery. And there is only so much we can do once the baby is out of us, kicking and screaming and living. We in our humanness are powerless to do much. There are NO guarantees that any of us will be breathing in the next minute, hour, day or year. We are mortal. We ought not to ever take for granted this life that we have been given. And we ought not to ever take for granted the lives of our children, both those who are here or those who have died.

If you are currently pregnant or you are wanting to be, I really hope that you don't read this and get all worried. I just want to encourage you and all the other readers to really live each moment to the fullest and to love your families and love your children, both inside of you and outside of you...and be grateful for each second you have here. God has kept you here for a reason and He has a purpose for your life. Don't waste it.

Appreciate life. Appreciate breath. Appreciate who you are called to be in this world.

And if you have children, hug them a little bit longer today...tell them again that you love them...show them that you are really listening...spend time with them...you don't want to live with regrets. I see my Bug & Buzz so differently now. I view them through a different lens. And I hope that I always will.

Solveig has changed me. She has changed our family. I hope we will always reflect that change and never forget what she has taught us.