Tuesday, April 17, 2012
It has been a few weeks since we were given these wonderful photos taken by Jen Kelly on behalf of the NIL_MDTS organization. To us they are absolutely breathtaking still, even after nearly seven weeks...and they always will be breathtaking. Tomorrow it will be seven weeks since Solveig was born into the world, not breathing and not uttering one tiny peep. We miss her immensely. Sometimes the pain of our loss grips so tightly that the body wants to shut down and not go on. But there are so many reminders of why we must go on...one is dancing to classical public radio while I type, and the other is shoving delicious morsels into his mouth at the lunch table and trying to snuggle with the dog at the same time. They are excellent reminders of what is good and lovely and excellent here on Earth. And one other incredibly priceless reason is probably at a desk answering phone calls from colleagues and customers and typing away important data, working hard to take care of our family...I love him so much.
Right as we were beginning to take pictures with Solveig, Buzz started to lose it and didn't really want to participate. I think he was perhaps overwhelmed with sadness and confusion as well as lack of sleep and missing Mommy and Daddy. The look on his face is full of grief. Then big sister Bug has her focus solely on the precious baby sister that she wanted so much. Both kids were glad to meet little Solveig that day and they were not too stunned by her appearance which had already started looking a bit purple. Kids are fabulous that way. They just see the person...they don't care about particulars of physical beauty the same way that we adults seem to notice. Even with her skin turning purplish, our baby was still so beautiful to us. She will always remain beautiful to us in our memories.
As Erik and I sat together for our photos with our baby, it was such an odd place to be...so different than when we were taking photos with one whom we would bring home. For this precious one was already HOME for all eternity with Jesus. We were not to bring her to our earthly home...a fact which is still incredibly difficult for me to this day. But we could cherish her there at the hospital. (There is a way to bring home a baby who has died, but we chose not to do that...and it is complicated with hospital, funeral home and state legalities not quite matching up at this point.) We could have our photos taken with her, and we did. We created memories for a lifetime and we will never forget. She has made an imprint that is so deep and all the storms of time could not blow away the print that has been placed on our hearts.
We are forever changed by our Solveig. Now, the hardest part is learning to walk in faith with the Lord and not cursing Him, and not blaming Him, and not giving up on Him. Believe me when I say that I've had some very dark moments of not wanting to trust Him. But I keep coming back to Him. For He has never left me, even in the darkest of moments. One foot in front of the other...one day at at time...we must keep going. And He will go with us through it all.