Disappointment

Big Sister Bug today voiced these words while we were out at my favorite store with the giant red bullseye logo..."It's sort of disappointing that Solveig died. But it's not too disappointing because we'll get to see her in Heaven again, so that's good." Erik said, "That's a great attitude to have."

For me, I couldn't respond because I'm still quite disappointed. I'm bummed that I couldn't have these three kids grow up together. I'm sad that she's not in my arms today, enjoying the warmth of the sunshine. I feel a huge hole...she is missing. I'll always think of her. Life will never be the same without her. I know that we will eventually learn to move on, but she'll always be part of our family.

There were a few good days where I pretty much held it together. But last night I missed my little Solveig so much. I picked up the pink teddy bear given to us and wrapped it in a pink blanket that was given to us along with a little bean bag to give weight to the wrapped up teddy bear in the blanket...and I held it for a long time while I laid in bed. I was trying to remember what it was like to hold Solveig in my arms. It has now been three weeks since we heard that she was gone and two and a half weeks since she was born. However, sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday that we lost her. Everything is still raw like an open wound. Sometimes I think there is a bit of a scab forming, and then it will get ripped off in an instant without warning. I know that's normal and it will just take a long time to feel a sense of "normalcy." I'm not going to be surprised if it takes years. I've heard that it can. I imagine there will be more to this wound and the scabs which may form and reopen.

In the meantime, the little people are calling...and burgers are ready to be made...life here on Earth continues even through the pain...and there are moments of joy to be had and moments to treasure and remember...

God is still God. He is still on the throne. He is still in control.