It had been a few days since I felt the pit in the gut...the absence of her...but today it resurfaced. And of course it happened while I was at my favorite store with the big red bulls eye. I would have to say that right now I may have a love hate relationship with that store, as it sometimes is a place of zoning out and peace for me and other times a place full of triggers and reminders of my daughter. Those triggers can come for me anywhere and at anytime without warning, but today they were like darts...one after the other...digging into my abdomen...only unlike a dart board, I couldn't remove them like I wanted to.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
One of the things that is sometimes hard and sometimes not hard is seeing pregnant women with very huge bellies. Today that hit like a ton of bricks. I kept seeing them, one after the other, the glowing mommies...and I was reminded that I should've either already had my healthy baby or I should've still been pregnant...and reminded that my due date is fast approaching, and only days away...April is right around the corner, and April 9th is almost here. I didn't know how hard it would be to think about my due date and honestly thought I'd be okay thinking about it or that it wouldn't bother me much. But today it is difficult to think about.
(***PLEASE NOTE...if you are pregnant or have just had a baby and you're wondering whether or not you should talk to me or hang around me, I WANT to see you and I WANT to talk with you. Please don't worry that it will be too hard for me. I have to face this challenge. It's just part of life. And again I say that sometimes it is more challenging than others. For instance, when I went to my MO_PS group for the first time two weeks after losing Solveig, I really didn't have a problem seeing all my sweet mommy friends and their babies and their pregnant bellies. It was wonderful to be with them, because I felt so loved...and I DO feel loved continually by them and by my other friends. And I also want you all to know that I am HONESTLY very happy for you if you are currently pregnant or have just had a baby and have many friends for whom this is the situation and I'm praying for you.)
While we were at the bulls eye store, we also walked through the kids clothing section as I was looking at some pants for my Bug. But while we were there, my eyes were of course drawn to the baby girl clothes...and especially a dress that I had purchased for my Solveig to match her big sister...that particular dress I had Erik return to the store because it would've been too big for our tiny peanut who was sort of swimming in the preemie sized outfit that we ended up using instead. But I keep seeing it. It is sometimes a good reminder of her, but today it was a tough reminder.
I want to find good reminders of her. And one of the things that I want to do is to plant something in our yard in honor of our daughter. Our yard was already sort of landscaped when we moved in, so there aren't necessarily a lot of places to plant something lovely and white or pink for our baby...but I'm on a mission to figure out where exactly I could do that and what I could plant. If you have any good ideas for me, let me know. I've heard different things recently that peak my interest...magnolia or cherry trees and tulips sound lovely. What would you plant? I want to see some beautiful blooms that will remind me of my beautiful girl.