Buzzy's Heaven Thoughts

Buzz and I were just reading a sweet book about an owl who flies to a little boy and becomes his pet.  Later, after helping the owl recover and regain strength from an injury, the little boy releases the owl back into the wilderness.  I was asking my Buzz if he liked the story.  Here's what he said.

"It reminds me of Solveig."

I said, "why is that, Honey?  Because of the owl flying away?"

"Yes," he said.  "Solveig's spirit flew right to Heaven.  We got to hold her when she was dead.  But her spirit flew to Heaven.  I'll get to see her again someday when I go there.  But our hearts are connected.  They'll always be connected.  She was the most beautiful little baby girl."

I didn't make that up.  I loved that he said that their hearts are connected, and that he thought she was beautiful.  And while he was saying all of these precious thoughts of his, of course the tears came into my eyes.

The reminders of Heaven and wanting to be there are truly encouraging to me.  I really have been missing Solveig a lot lately.  I think it has a lot to do with Spring finally being here…the season that she would have been born in.  So, hearing my son talk about his little sister is really sweet.

There is a movie out right now that we really want to see, all about Heaven and how it is real…based on the book of the same kind of name.  We can't wait to see it.  You see, we read that book just a few months before we lost our Solveig.  It was so comforting at the time, thinking about our babies that we had miscarried and other loved ones.  And then when we lost Solveig, it just became that much more real.

We even have the children's version of this special book and our kids really clung to that after we lost Solveig.  It was Bug's favorite book for awhile.  She wanted to bring it to school to share as her favorite book for her birthday.  But because of wondering if she might get in trouble sharing it during regular school time and not on recess, I decided that she shouldn't bring it.  This was such a bummer and really hard for a six year old to understand…the separation of church and state…issues that are challenging from time to time in the public school setting.

But I digress.  If you haven't read that book that I'm referring to, I highly encourage you to do so.  There's no way that this kid could've made all of that up.  It really is a beautiful picture of Heaven.

I long to be there.  It is my hope.  It is how I keep going.

One day, sweet Solveig…one day…we will be reunited, and I will hold you, FULLY ALIVE!!!!!  Until then, dance and play and sing and run, and I will think of you and hold your daddy and siblings here on earth.

Bedtime Snuggle Talks

We had another one of those nights…the kind where my kids had deep thoughts from their souls that needed to be shared.  I love those nights.  They both had asked for me to come and snuggle them before going to sleep, and I finally tore away from my project of deboning a freshly roasted turkey to make broth for long enough to be near them.  I'm so glad that I did.

Me: "Buzz, I will always love you."

Buzz: "I know Mommy.  Will you still love me when you are dead?"

Woah...how do I respond to that one…

Me: "Well Honey, I will be in Heaven.  And I think that I will still think about you and love you while I'm there."

Buzz: "But we don't know where we're going when we die.  We don't know if we'll go to Heaven or Hell."

Me: "No Honey, we can know exactly where we are going, with absolute certainty.  If we love the Lord with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength and if Jesus is our Savior and Lord then we will be in Heaven.

Do you believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and do you trust Him to be your Savior and Lord?

Buzz: "Yes, I do."

Me: "Then we will be there together.  We will be in Heaven together.  And that makes me so happy."

Buzz: "Satan won't be there.  The robbers won't be there.  They'll be in Hell."

(Thank you Le_go for helping my child to be obsessed with robbers and keeping them out of trouble.  Maybe he has a future in law enforcement.)

Me: "Yes, Satan will be in Hell.  You are right.  He will have no place in Heaven."

Buzz: "Besides, Hell is just like hot lava.  There won't be any place to sit."

Hmm…interesting…hadn't thought about the fact of sitting somewhere there…

Me: "Yes Honey, it will be hot.  In the Bible, Hell is described as being a lake of fire.  I definitely don't want to be there.

I'm looking forward to seeing Solveig, our other two little miscarried babies, Uncle Joel and a whole lot of other people in Heaven.  Won't that be great?"

Buzz: "Yes!  Maybe Uncle Joel, Solveig and the other two babies that died in your tummy are all living together in a house."

Smile.  That just makes me smile to think of that possibility.  Just the fact that I believe that they are all there together makes me smile.

With tears in my eyes I responded, "I can't wait to see all of them.  It will be wonderful."

And break for hugs and kisses with my sweet boy.  He is so full of love…which sometimes gets misconstrued as not having a personal bubble at school. :)  He is learning boundaries.  Such a challenge for a hugger.

Me: "Goodnight Buzz.  You need to get some sleep.  I love you."

Buzz: "Goodnight Mommy."

All the while, big sister Bug was waiting in her room for me to come and have snuggles with her as well.  I went in and she was so concerned with how much time I had just spent with her little brother.  Maybe she was jealous and wanting the same amount of snuggle time…which ended up happening.  Here is how our conversation went…

Bug: "Mommy, what do you think Heaven will be like?"

Me: "Well, I don't know for sure, but there are some great descriptions of it in the Bible.  It says that there will be streets of gold.  And it talks about animals and people getting along.  We're supposed to have new bodies.  There will be good food.  There will be no more pain, no more suffering, no more tears…everything will be amazing."

Bug: "It's hard for me to imagine a poisonous snake getting along with a mouse."

Me: "Yeah, I guess that is kind of hard to imagine.  All I know is that I can hardly wait to go there."

Tears were starting to creep in and I was audibly crying a little bit and sniffling at this point as I snuggled with my girl.

Bug: "Mommy, why the tears?  Why the sadness?  It's okay.  Don't worry, Mommy."

She proceeded to pat my head and rub my hair.  I just melted into my sweet girl and thanked God that I could be in her presence.  I told her what a beautiful gift she is…that she has such a tender, sweet spirit… and that I know that the Lord has wonderful plans for her life.  I told her that I can't wait to see what those plans are.

She said, "Me too!"

I love my kids.  I am so grateful for the opportunity to be with them and to do life with them.  I am so thankful that I get to hear what is going on in their minds…and I hope that they will always be willing to talk with me and their daddy.  I hope that they will not one day shut us out.

Oh Lord, help us to be good parents.  Help us to love these children with depth and wisdom and passion.  And help us to teach them to honor you and love you all the days of their lives.  May that be their heart's desire.

Amen.

Solveig's Birthday - 2 years

This is long…just so you know.

Numb.  I am numb right now as I begin typing this post.  And yet I feel the need to write, so here I go.

For many days and weeks leading up to Solveig's birthday, I had a lot of great moments.  I was really feeling good about things and only periodically did I have a meltdown.  But yesterday and today I had some really difficult moments.

Yesterday was February 28th.  We have decided that we will choose to celebrate Solveig's birthday on the 28th, since her birthday landed so interestingly on the 29th.  There are a lot of times that it bothers me that we don't get to have her birthday on the actual date.  But it's okay.  Really, that shouldn't matter so much.  I think that maybe one reason why I wish we could have the 29th of February every year is that for me it would just validate Solveig's life all the more, in my mind.  But she was valid.  Indeed.  She did exist.  And I believe that she still exists in Heaven.  Her spirit is there.  So whether or not her birthdate on earth is available to us on paper each year, we can still honor her life.

For Solveig's birthday, we ended up doing pretty much a repeat of last year's festivities.  We allowed our kids to skip school because this is important to us.  And we took them to the local kids museum where they had a wonderful time playing and imagining all sorts of adventures.  Mr. Squeaker finally fell asleep in his stroller and took a brief nap, which allowed him to be somewhat human for the rest of our time at the museum.  I think he didn't want to miss out on all the fun though.  It was nice to have him along with us this year, outside of my womb, alive and well.  Just another healing mark on the journey.

Spending quality fun time with our Bug and Buzz was so important to me and to Erik.  It felt so healthy to be laughing and enjoying them.  We played together, and I felt so free.  At home it's so easy to get into our routines…go, go, go all day long…and I truly feel like we don't take enough time to just stop and play with our kids.  So it felt like such a gift to have that time at the museum with them.

One interesting thing that happened while we were at the museum was that our kids were playing in this mock river dam setup.  There were about 5 plastic water creature toys to about 20 grappling children.  Perhaps some of the regular toys that live in that river had been stashed in a nearby hole or something, but it was kind of interesting to see the kids trying to negotiate who would get what toy or if they'd get one at all.  My sweet boy was playing with a little red lobster toy when all of the sudden, a younger, bossier little blonde girl from a preschool group came rushing up and grabbed the lobster hastily out of Buzzy's hands.  He just stood there in shock and awe and didn't know what to do or how to respond.  I so wanted to grab it back for him, but of course that wouldn't be helpful now, would it?  After watching that child not only take the toy but also claim one of the other five available toys per 20 kid capita, I politely said to her, "would you mind please sharing one of those toys since you have two?"  She just stared at me and made some little annoyed sound and rushed off to something else.  I think she was about four.  Anyway, Buzz was so sad.  I told him that he handled the situation politely by not grabbing it back from her.  But that he could also choose to say something along the lines of, "it isn't polite to steal a toy from someone.  Next time you could ask, 'please may I have that toy?'  Poor kid…guess we need to work on healthy confrontational skills some more…but his peacemaker ways are very sweet too. I did end up writing a comment on the comment cards asking if they could perhaps add a few more toys to the river dam…

Alas…I digress.

After thoroughly enjoying the museum and capping off our visit with some face painting where Buzz decided to paint his face entirely green to look like an alien and Bug decided to paint hers like a tropical bird, we headed off to a nearby restaurant for some delicious eats.  It was then home to nap the little Squeaker and exhausted parents, and then rev up for another part of the day.

Daddy went out and bought some light pink balloons and some light pink roses.  We went to our cemetery after nap time.  And in very cold weather, perhaps 5 degrees Fahrenheit, we climbed over the deep snow to Solveig's grave with Baby wrapped up in his warm bundle and blankets over his head and around his body.  When Daddy had the camera tripod all set for a few pics, we quickly unveiled our Squeaker's blanket shrouded head and took several pictures of us standing by the stone as a family. Then it was time for laying the roses by her stone and also releasing the balloons.  This year, the balloons were able to gracefully fly into the sky.  But just like last year, one balloon somehow got a little bit stuck and did its own thing!  That to me was so symbolic of Solveig, going on her way to Heaven separate from us.  It made us giggle a little bit.

Buzz said, "I hope the balloons make it all the way to Heaven!"

I cried and said, "Me too Buddy!  Me too."

We finished our little ceremonial time and headed back home to make dinner out of leftovers.  Wow, my creative juices were shot I guess.  I had great intentions of making a special dinner, but that wasn't meant to be.  However, I did make up some homemade vanilla cupcakes the night before and had them frozen so they would be easy to frost.  The kids helped me to make some light pink frosting.  And I sat and decorated cupcakes with them.  Buzz wanted just gobs of frosting and no sprinkles on his.  And Bug spent a lot of time adding TONS of sprinkles on hers!  Again, it felt so good to just do something fun with them.  The kids sang several different renditions of Happy Birthday.

Today, March 1st, we had a birthday breakfast of homemade crepes with fruit, whipped cream and maple syrup.  It was my first time making crepes, so lets just say that there were a LOT of flopped pancakes.  But they still tasted delicious.  After kind of a slow day, I ended up going out for some big box store therapy grocery shopping.  It felt good to get out of the house.  And then after supper tonight we had a chance to do some more reminiscing with our kids.

We got out our pale pink scrapbook with Solveig's photos and big purple storage bin that has Solveig's things in it…her white blanket and pink bear that I basically lived with until after Squeaker was born over a year later, the hundreds of sympathy cards that loving people sent to us (I read about half of them again tonight and wept…thank you, friends), the candles that were used at her funeral that I cannot bear to part with or use yet, the outfits that friends and family gave to us in preparation for our daughter that I still cannot get rid of and I think I may always keep, the mini strawberry dress that matched big sister Bug's strawberry dress…purchased just a week before Solveig died inside of me, the box that was given to us at the hospital in loving memory of a little boy named Colton, (the inspiration for me taking on the box project that his parents used to be a part of), her footprints and handprints…so delicate and tiny, her dark brown hair clippings inside the Tress Press…the same dark hair as her sister Bug and brother Squeaker…it was really good but really hard to look at these things.

Part way through going over the memory items, my sweet seven year old Bug said, "Mom, I can tell that you are getting really teary.  Perhaps this has been enough for one day."  Bless her heart.

I said, "Honey, it's okay that I'm crying.  It's okay to be sad about this and to look at Solveig's things.  But thank you so much for being sensitive and for caring so much about your mama."

Then Buzz said as he was looking at the photos of Solveig, "I miss Solveig so much.  I can't wait to see her again."

I said, "I know, Honey.  We all feel the same way."

My sweet husband was soaking in all of the mementos.  He was looking at it all and holding back the tears in his eyes.  What especially caught him tonight were the photos of him holding Solveig and weeping when we were holding her and bathing her.  Those are some of my favorites…they are so tender and show his depth and love for his daughter.  As he said last year when we visited her hospital room, "It just makes me sad to think about the life that could have been."

Yes, it makes me sad too.  Sometimes it really makes me very sad.

And other days I truly don't feel sad about it like I used to.  I think it is perfectly healthy and good and normal that we dug out all of her things and went through it today…that we spent time thinking about her and talking about her as a family…that we will always remember her out loud…because I don't want our family to ever forget her.  She meant something to us and always will.  She was born.  She was still.  But she was born.

Having our sweet Solveig has changed my life forever.  I feel things more deeply now than I think I could before.  I see other people hurting in a different way than before.  I feel more aware of a lot of things that I think matter in this world.  And I wish that I could help everyone who is in pain.  The reality of course it that I can't do that because I'm just one person.  But I do care.  And I can pray.  I can pray for people…that is something that I can do.  I so long to help other people who are going through the loss of their child, and I am thankful to be able to do some of this.

Thank you for caring about me…about our family…for remembering our daughter with us.  We all miss her very much.  It isn't just me.  We all grieve differently, and that is alright.  But we are learning to process our grief alone and together.  It is still a process.  And I believe it will go on for the rest of our lives, and that is alright.  It is okay to grieve.  And it is healthy to grieve.

And in grieving fully, I believe we are able to more better move forward in our lives.  I truly feel like I am able to "do life" better now than I could two years ago, or one year ago, or even six months ago.  Each day brings new strength that only comes from God.  I could not go on without His love for me.

Blessings and peace, friends.

Thanks Heather Hanson for capturing this photo of my Solveig bear from the Missing Grace Foundation with the kids a few months after we lost her...

I cherish these family photos that we had taken that day.  Thank you Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and Jen Kelly.

More Thoughts From Siblings...

Today at lunch, Buzz was in another of his reflective moods.  We started talking about Solveig, and here is the conversation that happened.

Mama, "Buzz, do you remember holding Solveig at the hospital?"

Buzz, "No, I don't remember that." (That makes me sad actually, because for the longest time he talked about it.  But he was so young when she died…not quite four, so it doesn't surprise me that his memory of her is fading.)

Mama, "Well, would you like to look at the pictures we have so that you can see how you held her?  You were so good with her, such a good big brother.  You held her gently and kissed her forehead."

Buzz, "Yes, I would like to see those."

"I guess if Bug and I died then we wouldn't be Squeaker's brother and sister anymore."

Mama, "No Honey, you'll always be Squeaker's brother and sister, whether you are here or in Heaven. Do you remember in the book Heaven I_S F_or Re_al when the little boy goes to Heaven?  When he's there he meets his sister that his mom miscarried.  He had no idea that he had a sister, but he met her there.  When we go to Heaven, I believe we will see our loved ones and we will know each other."

Buzz, "Maybe we'll all be babies in Heaven."

Mama, "That would be interesting, wouldn't it?  I'm not sure how old we'll be in Heaven, but the Bible does say that we will be free from pain and sickness.  And everyone will get along. Maybe we can run with the cheetahs. Won't that be great?"

Bug, "I want to run with the cheetahs!  I want to learn how to run like a cheetah."

I know that there were some more really neat details to this conversation, but I can't remember them right now.

I love these big kiddos…they are such a blessing to me and their daddy.

Thanks to Heather for these pictures. :)

Buzz Conversation

My sweet Buzz boy still has the deepest thoughts at his age of five.  Tonight, as I was tucking him into bed we had a sweet visit.  Here is what was said:

"Buzz, do you think about Uncle Joel?"

"Yes, I do.  I miss him a lot."

"I do too, Honey.  I think about him all the time and I miss him so much."

Buzz said, "But he's in Heaven now."  A big smile spread across his face.  And it made me smile too.

Then I said, "What do you think he's doing today?"

Buzz said, "I don't know."

I replied, "I wonder if he's playing his guitar."

Buzz quickly said, "but he didn't die with his guitar."

Hmm…interesting.  "You're right honey, but he did love to play the guitar and sing.  And sometimes I wonder if he has a guitar in Heaven.  Maybe he's eating good food too."

Buzz said, "Yeah, and he's taking care of Solveig!"  Another big smile spread across his face.  Tears were dripping from my eyes at this point.

"Yes Honey, I believe that he is taking care of Solveig.  And that makes your mama so happy to think about that!  Uncle Joel loved babies."

"Will we see Solveig in Heaven?"

"Yes, Honey.  We will see her.  And that is something wonderful to look forward to.  I can't wait!"

Big smile on his face yet again.

I LOVE it when Buzz and I have these conversations about life.  He is such a precious boy and I hope that his depth of thought continues forever.

My Sweet Boy...A Thoughtful, Loving Brother

As I was helping Buzz get ready for bed tonight, we had another very special conversation.  He was having some deep thoughts, as usual.  Our conversation went something like this...

I can't remember exactly how it started, but all the sudden Buzz was saying something about having three babies in a mommy's tummy.  I explained that those are called triplets.  And that two babies at a time are called twins.  (FYI...this mommy doesn't have any babies in her tummy.)

Eventually I said something like, "we have three babies here on earth and three in Heaven."

Buzz replied, "you had three miscarriages."

I then explained, "well, technically the first two were called miscarriages and then Solveig was termed a stillbirth.  The miscarried babies were so tiny.  I had just found out that I was pregnant with both of them and wasn't very far along at all and nobody could tell that I was pregnant.  I didn't get to see those babies and I didn't deliver them like I delivered the other four of you.  When I had Solveig, she was born still.  That means that she had died inside of me and she was still when she came out.  That is why it is called a stillbirth." (For those of you who've had late term miscarriages, I by no means was trying to diminish that by this explanation...those are so different than the early miscarriages I had...and I didn't know if a 5 year old could quite understand all the differences just yet.  When the kids are older, I want to explain more details about that to them so that they can have a fuller understanding.)

Buzz...silence...and then, "I miss Solveig.  I want to see her again.  I didn't get to see her very long."

Me, "I know, Honey.  You only got to see her that one day when you came to the hospital to see her and we took pictures.  Would you like to see the pictures again?"

Buzz, "Yes, I want to see them."

We looked at the pictures.  I told him, "you looked so sad, but you were such a proud brother."

Buzz, "I was very sad.  I was sad because I didn't want her to die.  I want to see her again."

Me, "You will see her again.  We will see her again in Heaven one day."

Buzz, "I bet that Solveig is older than me.  I bet that she is older than Squeaker too.  Maybe she's like three or something."

Me, "Maybe so, Honey.  I don't know for sure.  But I can hardly wait to see her again."

Buzz, "I like Squeaker too."

Me, "Me too, Honey!  He's such a blessing, isn't he?  I'm so glad that we have him!  I'm so glad that we have all of you!  You are so special to us!  And you are such a good brother.  You will always remember Solveig, and we'll always talk about her.  You can always ask me about her."

Tears were flowing between both of us.  He wanted to snuggle and I held him close...grateful for this child with such a tender heart, so full of love.

These precious moments I hope I never forget.  I hope I never get too busy to stop and take in these times that are meant to be treasured.  I need to help my kids process their thoughts and emotions about all things, including the loss of three siblings.

Erik and I both hope that the life experiences that our children are having and the fact that we are choosing to face the good, bad and the ugly head on will help them in the long run.  I don't want them to be afraid of death.  I don't want them to be afraid to live each moment to the fullest either.  Rather, I want them to run this race that is set before them...keeping their eyes on Jesus...the author and perfecter of their faith.  May He give us all the strength that we need each moment of every day, whether we are feeling weak or we are feeling strong.  We need Him.

Fall Family Photos

Since we've had Squeaker, we haven't taken enough photos.  Life has been so busy, exhausting and good.  So, this past Saturday we had our family photos taken with my friend Heather.  (Heather is the one whose sweet little Briana was also born still and is buried next to our Solveig.  I feel like we're bonded for life and that is a special thing.)  On Heather's photography blog you can see a little glimpse of our family.

Click here to see the photos.  You have to scroll down a bit to see our family - we're the last family near the bottom of the page.

Squeaker is almost six months, Buzz is 5 and Bug is 7.  Me and Daddy are old.

Cheers. :)

Bedtime Snuggle Conversations

Whenever I can, I love to snuggle with my kids before they go to sleep.  These are special moments for us to connect at the end of the day.  And no matter how good or how challenging the day has been, these snuggle moments are times that I relish...times that I am able to slow down and breathe and remember that these little wonders that God has blessed me with are such gifts.

Tonight when I was snuggling with my Buzz, he said to me, "the miscarriages happened before me."  And I said, "no Honey, those were after you."  "Oh yeah, those were when I was two," he said.  How in the world did he remember that?  Then he said, "Mommy, I wasn't able to be there when you had the miscarriages.  I wasn't at the hospital."  I told him, "No, the miscarriages actually happened at home.  I didn't have to go to the hospital for those.  Those little babies were so tiny.  They just left my body more easily.  I just bled a little bit and they came out."  He said, "oh.  But some people have to have their miscarriages cut out their tummies.  They have to have a needle in their tummies and help get the miscarriages out."  I said, "yes, sometimes women need extra help when they are miscarrying and need to be in the hospital.  The doctor has to help clean out their tummy."

I'm not quite sure where that conversation stemmed from today or what caused him to think about it, but I do know that my little boy is a really deep thinker and seems to process things thoroughly.  He seems extra tender about our losses.  I hope and pray that God will use this deep thinker in wonderful ways.

Then I snuggled my big Bug.  She loves to cuddle too.  And both kids always have to have their butterfly kisses and eskimo kisses.  Bug said to me, "Mommy, I miss Solveig."  I told her with tears in my eyes, "Yes honey, I miss her too.  I will always miss her."  Sweet Bug girl then wrapped her arms around me and kissed my cheek.  She is so precious and so full of love to give.  I really appreciate that the Lord gave me that girl.  She has been so tender hearted and has encouraged me a lot.

I'm grateful for these kids.  Thank you God.

Celebrating New Life!

Much has happened in the last two months since I posted on this blog...the most important being that we delivered our precious little miracle boy into this world on April 12, 2013 at 10:13 PM via what I've been terming my "sort of emergency c-section."  Our new boy weighed 6 lbs, 2 oz and was 20.5 in. long!  His nickname which I will use on this blog and that we call him a lot in real life is "Squeaker!"  He squeaks all the time and it's pretty sweet.

Introducing Squeaker...

Mommy, Daddy & Squeaker :)

Dr. L, me & Squeaker and Dr. F

(Note - sorry this post is kind of long!  I just had to write out the details of our little man's birth story!)

In mid-March I had some preterm labor at 33 weeks and 6 days and was hospitalized for one night while I took medication to stop the labor.  It was such an interesting time of wondering if we'd have a tiny little preemie, hoping that he'd be alive and okay and also soul searching.  While I was laying in that bed really medicated, I had so much time to think.  I really had a lot of peace and knew that God was very much with me and my little boy.  Thankfully even though a test showed that I might have this baby very soon, I didn't and I was able to go home and continue the waiting game.

Truly I was almost shocked that I made it to 37 weeks and 3 days!  That was the day he came into our world...

It started like any other of my sort of normal days where I got my Bug onto the school bus, dropped my Buzz at preschool and then headed off to the coffee shop to get something tasty to drink.  Only on this day, I had brought along with me some reading materials and some things that I wanted to study.  The night before I had been chatting with a dear friend who lost two baby girls.  She was encouraging me to memorize some key Bi_ble verses that could stick with me during these days of waiting and during my upcoming labor...verses that I could rely on to come to the forefront of my mind...verses that could dispel the fear and anxiety which had been overwhelming me on most days.  Little did that precious friend and I know just how perfect the timing was for that bit of encouragement.  While I was at the coffee shop, I ran into a friend from college who said that he would be praying for me.  And then I went to sit down to drink my yummy beverage and pulled out some verse cards that I had saved from a Bi_ble study that I did a few years ago.  I had started going over the verses the night before, but right there in the coffee shop I poured over them several times just soaking in the truth therein and hoping that I could remember some of it...

At my dr. appt. that morning, the ultra_sound technician apparently noticed the umbil_ical cord around Baby's neck but at that time I guess it was okay.  She didn't tell me about the cord because she knew my history and knew that I would freak out.  But she did tell my dr. who was then very aware.  Then I had my regular N_S_T (non-st_ress test) during which I noticed the way the heart rate was very erratic and decelerating in ways that were concerning to me, the untrained yet all too aware mama bear who has now seen a whole lot of those test tracings.  My dr. came to me and said that I should go into the hospital for some extra monitoring that afternoon - that she wasn't worried and didn't want me to worry but she just wanted me to have some extra reassurance.  I gladly went into the hospital for this extra monitoring, and things were looking fine for awhile.  I even texted one of my friends who works at the hospital to say that I'd love for her to come over for a visit if she had time, and she came - thanks A.H.!  It was great to have you there with me.

Right after A came, I had a really strong contraction and Baby's heart rate decelerated rapidly into dangerous territory for two minutes.  I don't even know how low it went...they never told me and they turned the monitor down and away from me so I couldn't see.  Several nurses rushed into the room and shortly thereafter my Dr. came.  I was in a ton of pain with the contraction and could hardly breathe because I was so worried that I would lose my baby.  They quickly got me some oxygen which helped immediately to calm me down...as well as the reminder that I had to breathe.  It felt like a repeat of what happened with Solveig - I really thought we were losing this precious boy and I could hardly handle the thought of that.  I was paralyzed with fear in that moment.  But then God's peace washed over me and I knew that no matter what I had to trust Him.

Thankfully, things stabilized.  But my Dr. came to me and said that I would not be going home that night - that indeed we would figure out a plan and I would be delivered.  I was so glad to know that something was finally going to happen.  A little while later, my two favorite Dr.'s that I've seen during this pregnancy came in to talk to us - Dr. A & Dr. L.  They said that I had two options - I could go ahead with a regular delivery if I wanted to and they would very closely monitor me.  If things got out of control, I could always have an emergency c-section...but they acknowledged that it might make me too anxious, and they said that they were worried that Baby wouldn't be able to tolerate the contractions since they knew that there was cord around his neck.  It was also revealed to me at this time that indeed the tracing I saw in the clinic earlier that day had been what they call a "cordy tracing," and they could very easily see that the cord was in the way and being compromised.  They said that I could do a planned c-section and then I wouldn't have to worry if my baby could tolerate the contractions or worry that the cord would get worse - they could just take him out in a matter of a couple of minutes.  Erik and I had some time to think about it and pray about it.  It didn't take much to know and realize that we had to do the c-section - we just couldn't risk losing our precious son.  We wanted him out safe and sound.  (I want to write more about the c-section and the aftermath in another post.)

Everything felt so quick, even though we had some time to wait and process things.  It took a few hours from the time the dr. told us that we'd have the surgery until it happened.  But prior to the surgery, my sweet Dr. L who is a Chri_stian came into our room where she laid hands on us and prayed over us.  Tears of hope and peace washed over me, and I just knew that God was with us and would go with us into that operating room and beyond.  Thank you so much, Dr. L.  You have been a most amazing blessing to me and I'll always be grateful for you.

When it came time to go into the operating room, I had to walk down there alone without Erik and just with my nurse M.  Thanks M - you were just the person I needed that day - you calmed me down and also made me laugh.  When we got into the room, I had to sit on the end of the table and curl into a little ball as best I could for my spinal block procedure to begin.  I was petrified and began to cry.  M comforted me.  I was then asked to lay down on the table and put my arms out "like Jesus on the cross - just put your arms out and lay there and do nothing."  I don't know where this came from, but in that moment I ended up having the wherewithal to respond with "well actually, Jesus did a whole lot on the cross because He died for our sins."  Nothing was said after that, and well, I doubt that person who said that will ever say it again!  It was such an interesting moment, and I'm glad that I could share my faith in that way.

I laid down on that table and while I couldn't feel anything from the chest down, I all the sudden had such an amazing sense of peace and the presence of God.  I couldn't go anywhere - I was totally at the mercy of my medical team and the Lord's covering over me.  It's such a vulnerable thing to be in a surgery such as that.  My verses that I had memorized came to me and I was thinking over and over, "the spirit of the sovereign Lord is upon me," and "do not fear, for the Lord your God is with you!"  (Thank you dear friend who encouraged me to memorize scriptures...that was such a wonderful blessing!)

Erik came in after I was all medicated, covered in his gown and mask.  The big surgical sheet covering my lower half was there and he was on the side with me and my head.  It didn't take long and they told me that they were taking Baby out.  Right after he came out and they sucked the goop out of his mouth, I could hear him scream and immediately I felt such great relief and joy!  I kept saying over and over, "he's alive!  he's alive!  I can't believe he's alive!"  I really didn't know how I would respond in that moment, but it was incredible and truly one of the most amazing and joyous moments of my life.  After just a short bit, my little guy was in my arms.  Erik and I sang lullabies and hymns to him while my dr.'s were sewing me up.  It was so amazing too because Dr. L was there doing the surgery as well as Dr. F who had helped with Solveig's delivery last year.  Both later told me that they had never had anyone sing during a c-section and they didn't want it to stop!  It was so sweet of them. :)  I felt like I could barely phonate at all as I was singing through my tears...but it felt so good to sing to my new little love. Erik even got to watch some of my post delivery surgery while the dr.'s were sewing me back up.   I assured them that he was trained as an EMT so he would be fine and they said it was okay.  He was so fascinated with it all and loved watching the surgery.

So that is the story of how our little man came into the world.  We are so incredibly grateful for his life and treasure him so deeply.  More tales of his life and his big brother and sister will come...

Rainbow Trees in Heaven

Precious Buzz has such insightful things to share with me.  Just now while we were eating lunch we were talking about hospitals.  He remembered the hospital where he met his baby sister, Solveig.  I was reminding him how he got to hold her and asked him if he was glad he got to hold her.  He said, "yes."

Then he said, "we didn't get an angel, we just got a baby."  (I think this might have been a thought from  a book that we were given about having an angel instead of a baby.)

We talked about this and I said, "well, our baby died and now she lives with the angels in Heaven.  So I guess she's kind of like an angel for us."

He said, "but I wonder it there are trees in Heaven."

I replied, "yes Honey, I bet there are lots of beautiful trees...and I imagine that they look much different than any of the trees that we see here on earth."

Buzz said with joy on his face, "the trees in Heaven are all different colors of the rainbow!"

I smiled too and said, "I bet they are Honey!  They are probably so gorgeous!  Are you excited to see them?"

"Yes," he simply replied.  And then he started singing a song about the trees and their many colors.

Oh he is such a gem, that kid.  I love his thoughts about Heaven, and I absolutely cherish the times that we can have these conversations.

First Time Back

Awhile back, I posted something on here about collecting outfits and blankets to bring to the hospital for other families like ours who would need them when they wouldn't have a chance to go out and get something special for their babies.  Some sweet friends responded saying that they would love to donate some things - thank you, dear ones.  I had the honor of picking up those items recently from these friends.  You will probably never know who it is, but you WILL be a huge blessing to some other families in need.  What a gift you have given them.  The nurses were so excited to see the outfits and blankets and had huge smiles on their faces when they received them. :)  In some small way, it must help them to be able to pass these items along to the families that they take care of.  Having been the recipients of some such items, I can honestly say that it blessed me so much to receive these kinds of things, knowing that someone else cared enough to give them to me.

The other night I brought this bag of gifts to the hospital as I was there to attend support group.  Afterwards, I told our facilitator "A" that some friends had donated these items and asked if she would please bring them to the maternity floor on my behalf.  She asked me if I'd like to go with her and deliver them myself.  I hadn't really considered that before, and wasn't sure if I'd be ready to face that part of the hospital just yet...but I quickly said yes, as it felt like the right thing to do.

Nerves welled up in me, just a little bit, but overall I wasn't as scared as I would've guessed I might be.  A walked with me and introduced me to the nurses...several of whom I recognized from my three deliveries in that hospital.  It felt okay to be back there.  I'm so glad that I did that.

Now I don't need to be afraid to go there again.  In some ways, that place is sacred for me...for it holds SO many memories, not just of Solveig, but also of Bug and Buzz and their deliveries and first moments of life...and moments where life was somewhat void.  There have been many special moments for our family inside those hospital walls.  Angels have been with me inside those walls.  The Lord has shown Himself to be mighty and real inside those walls, even in the midst of great pain...but also in the midst of immense joy.  And now I feel a mission to help others inside those walls...and to pray over them.  I often find myself asking God to help other families who are experiencing the pain of loss.  And I feel a new passion and ministry in helping these families. It will be interesting to see just how that progresses and changes over time.

And at some point, perhaps as we near Solveig's birthdate in February, I'd like to take Erik and go back and visit the room where we had her.  It was just a few paces away from where I stood the other night, but I wasn't ready to ask to see it.  I just want to make peace with that space and be okay with it.  I've heard that this can be a very healing thing to do.

If anyone else reading this would like to donate blankets and outfits let me know.  And if you're able to donate them in duplicates, this would be great...so that people can keep one if they choose to bury their baby in the other.

Also, I'll hopefully be putting something up here soon for people to donate to Solveig's Boxes - the project that I'm working on for the hospital.  I just need to figure out how to do that.  For those who live nearby, there may be some opportunities in the somewhat near future for need of help putting some items for the boxes together before the boxes can actually be assembled.  I'll be sure to let you know!  And I'd love it if you'd let me know if you're interested! :)  Things are really starting to shape up for the contents of the boxes after many trips to the craft stores that begin with M and J, and also many emails and phone calls.  It's very exciting, for sure.

I need to make sure and thank you again for all of your support and encouragement and prayer over these last few months.  We sure do feel it and know that we are loved, and it means so much. Know that I love it when you write back and leave comments - I read every one.  I just don't know how to respond within the comment space yet!  If anyone knows how to do that, would you let me know?

Blessings to you.

More Conversations With Kids

The family table is a great place to share conversations.  Sometimes the conversations are about very simple, surface like topics.  But there are times that the conversations dig much deeper.  Today at lunch,  we were talking about Solveig after the kids brought her up.  I love it when they bring her up...when ANYONE brings her up. :)  I like to think of her and to talk about her.

So today, Bug was talking about how she couldn't wait to see Solveig in Heaven and to see how much she had grown.  I said, "we don't know how big she'll be when we meet her in Heaven.  That will be interesting to find out."  Bug said, "I think she will have grown taller!"  Buzz said, "I want Solveig to gwow and gwow and gwow!" (he cannot say his r's right now at age 4 - it's really cute)

Then Buzz said, "but I don't know if Solveig will be in Heaven."

I thought about this.  And of course, after discussing this matter with lots of people now including our pastor, I know that the Bible does not say for sure if babies are in Heaven.  But when we met with our pastor He affirmed that it all comes down to remembering the character of God...that He is a loving, just and merciful God.  There are lots of scriptures from the Bible that speak of children being loved by Jesus...that "the kingdom of God belongs to such as these," etc.  So it seems to make sense to our earthly minds that babies ought to be there, since even though they are born with a sin nature they have not yet had a chance to commit an earthly sin.

But Buzz was puzzled by the idea that he didn't know for sure where his sister would be.

I reminded him that I believe without a doubt that our baby Solveig is there.  And I told him about how God had given me a vision awhile back about Solveig, dancing and playing on the streets of gold.  He smiled as he thought about that, and so did my Bug.  It makes me smile too.

Buzz pondered some things a bit more and then said, "we will have to take a car to Heaven."

I said, "What makes you think that?"

He said, "because I don't wanna have to walk vewy wong!!!" (translation - very long)

Bug replied, "you don't have to walk you silly goose!  Jesus lifts you up!"

This brought joy to my heart and tears to my eyes...the image of Jesus lifting us to Heaven...the image of Him lifting my Solveig to Heaven...

I look forward to that day.  For now, I am here to keep being a mama to my sweet children and a wife to my precious Erik...roles that I love and I'm so grateful to have.

And I'll always be Solveig's mommy...always.

Buzz turned FOUR!!!

Our sweet little Buzz turned four on June 22nd!  It's hard to believe just how quickly the time has passed in his life.  He is a busy, happy go lucky kiddo who loves music, playing instruments, running and throwing and kicking balls, playing games, doing puzzles, painting, giggling, jumping on the trampoline, baking and cooking with Mama, riding bikes, blowing bubbles, reading stories and so much more.  We have a great time together and I just love my little snuggly guy so much.  He is such a blessing to us!

We celebrated Buzz' birthday with presents at home, just our family.  I was helping with VBS at our church this past week, and the last day happened to be Buzz' birthday.  Since I was leading preschool music for his class, I led the class in singing happy birthday to him.  I think he loved it!  For dinner, we went to our favorite burger restaurant that has a bird for a symbol...so much fun.  We love being in the birthday club there so that we can get FREE meals!  Then we played together.  Yesterday we went to a Swedish festival at the Gammelgarden Museum nearby.  VERY fun way to spend the day and to continue to celebrate our little guy!  It was such a nice time being together as a family this weekend.

Here are some pictures from Anders' first four years of life!

One of the best days of our lives - June 22, 2008 - Buzz was born!

Buzz & Daddy napping...so cute

Brother Joel and cousins came to visit

Big Sister Bug LOVED being with her new baby brother!

Buzz was such a rail when he was first getting going...he was hospitalized for a few days shortly after birth for an unidentified virus...we thought we were going to lose him, so he is really a miracle to still be alive.

My babies - I love having them in my arms

Bug and Buzz - always love being together

Sweet Daddy and his kiddos

So alert!

I loved this cow outfit. It was so cozy.  And I LOVE that smile!!!

My happy guy - such a smiler!  

Christmas 2008 - 6 months old!

Our little Norwegian dude.

EVERYTHING is STILL a drum to this kid.  He's been pounding on everything since he was  really young!

Baby Dedication Day - June 21, 2009 - one day before his first birthday and also Father's Day!

2 years old!  Thomas the Train birthday cake - my curly top kid

Fall 2010 - 2.5 years old

At our church camp playing wiffle ball!  June 2011 - 3 years old

Mother's Day 2012 - almost four years old - how we've grown!  And still, such love for the big sister.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BUZZ BEAR!!!!!!!!  May you always love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.  And may His blessing be upon your life.

Love always,
Mama & Daddy

Singing and Composing Again

I'm linking up again with Tesha today.  If you are new, thanks for visiting.  You can read more about my baby girl Solveig Sofia by clicking on the labels to the right and/or previous posts.

I am a classically trained singer, but I also love singing other styles...pop, country, musical theater, etc.  Often times I sing along with the radio or my downloaded tunes and rock out.  Since we lost Solveig three months ago, I have had a hard time singing much of anything.  Most of the time when I would start to sing, I would begin to cry.  The desire just hasn't been there either.  It isn't until very recently that I've been able to sing without crying nonstop.  

Well, today I have a little bit of time to myself thanks to my parents helping watch Buzz for a bit.  And I wanted to sing!  I wandered over to my music library and pulled out my Brahms lieder book and began playing and singing a bunch of the pieces in there.  My heart became so full of joy as I was singing and I thought to myself, "I wish I had been able to do this sooner!"  It feels good to use the gift God has given me once again.

Another thing I haven't done in a very long time is to compose music.  I love composing and have written a bunch of different things through the years...a wedding song for my husband, a requiem lullaby for my friends Natalie and Steve in honor of their baby boy Aidan, lullabies for my babies and more.  The desire and inspiration to compose was missing in me for quite awhile.  After losing Solveig, I wanted so much to write her a piece of music but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  That changed this past weekend when we were at one of my very favorite places on earth - our church camp a ways north of here in MN.  Each year for the past few years we've been able to go up there with some of our friends from church to help set up the camp for the summer.  I love being there and find so much peace and tranquility in that place.

The first night that we were at camp this past weekend, I woke up suddenly and saw an angel next to our bed.  It has been awhile since I've seen angels.  The last time was at Solveig's birth when they surrounded us in the hospital room.  Well, this time I was startled but not afraid.  Erik prayed for me to be able to go back to sleep, but it took awhile for me to calm down and feel settled again.  Instead, my mind began reeling with song and I so wished I had my piano and recording equipment there as well as some manuscript paper for composition.  Next time I go on a trip I'll remember to bring some manuscript paper!  I usually do, because it's in other places that I'm often inspired to write.

In the morning I had some time to myself, and I sat down and began to write lyrics for what I hope will become Solveig's song.  I will have to spend some time with that again very soon so I don't lose the momentum of composing.  It's just exciting to have that desire to write.  And I think that angel that visited me that night may have just been part of this fresh inspiration.

When it's done, I'll try to share the piece on here somehow.

Thanks for your words of hope and peace.  I appreciate your prayers and love.

Bug and Buzz

One of my classmates from college asked why I call my kids "Bug" and "Buzz" on the blog.  (Hello, "anonymous" classmate. :))  Well, the main reason is that I'm trying to protect their identity in the blog world as there are some cuckoo types out there who might do strange things if they knew my children's names...and this blog can be found out in cyberspace.  Bug and Buzz are the nicknames that our kids have taken on since they were just babies, and we actually call them that a lot of the time in our lives!  

Our daughter "Bug" was so tiny when she was a baby, and I think we just gave her that name because of how small she was...like a bug.  I think it's cute!  Then when Buzz was just a few months old, I asked Bug if Buzz was her buddy, and she said, "No, he's just my Buzz!"  So that's where that name came from - our then two year old.  Very funny.  And honestly, the nickname suits his funny personality quite well.  

There you have it - Bug and Buzz!  They and their daddy are some of my favorite people in the whole wide world, and I love sharing life with them.

Summer 2011 - Buzz Age 3

Bug and her Daddy Erik, Summer 2011 - Bug Age 5

Mother's Day

I'm linking up with Tesha today.  If you're new, please go over to the sidebar and click on my recent posts or on the labels for stillbirth or Solveig if you want to read more about our sweet girl.  She was born still on 2/29/12 at 33.5 weeks gestation, 3 lbs. 11 oz and 18 in. long.  I still need to get some tabs or something at the top of my blog page for different subjects but don't know how to do it.  If you know how, would you please leave me a message?  Thank you so much.

Mothers' Day was two days ago.  It was such a bittersweet day for me.  Sweet because I have two wonderful, adorable kids here on this earth...and bittersweet because I have three babies in Heaven waiting for me.  I wish I could have hugged those three and had them with us for Mother's Day.  I really miss my Solveig as she was the one that I held here on this earth...the one that I carried for 33.5 weeks until learning that she had died prematurely inside of me due to the umbilical cord wrapped around her and a knot in the cord.

One of my sweet friends named Mo prayed over mothers in our Sunday school class on Mother's Day.  She prayed for those of us who have lost babies or who have struggled with infertility or other issues.  She has such a kind, loving heart that seems to have more room than the average heart...and I admire her so very much.  Thank you Mo for your sensitivity to me during this time.  You're a beautiful woman of God and I appreciate you.

In all honesty, it was painful to be at church on Sunday without my littlest, newest baby in my arms.  I felt such a deep emptiness with her missing and yet such a fullness and appreciation for my two living children.  At times I think, "who am I to complain about not having my babies here?  For with me are two of the most beautiful creations I could ever imagine, and I'm incredibly grateful for them."  My gratitude for my little ones is not diminished by my grief, but my grief and loss is ever present and it is not just going to go away today or tomorrow or in another month or year.  I imagine I will feel this pain for a long time.  But I will also find joy amidst the pain, because He does that for me...the Lord also gives me joy.

As I stood in the back of the sanctuary praising God through some of my very favorite worship songs that Sunday, I was so moved by the music and definitely felt the presence of the Holy Spirit.  Thank you Jon and Karla for leading in that time of worship.  After the songs finished, the reality of it being child dedication Sunday hit really hard.  Several sweet families got up to bring their children before the church and before the Lord, to dedicate them to Him.  I love these types of services, usually.  But this time, it was different.  I felt so bad, but I had to leave.  We were going to leave anyway after the worship songs as we had to get home to prepare for company.  But I had to leave because it was hard to think about the fact that we weren't going to be dedicating our baby to the Lord that day, or any other day to come in the future.  In fact, we already did dedicate our baby to the Lord.  We gave her back to Him the moment that we knew she had left my body.  I'll never forget my sweet Erik and what he said the moment Dr. M left the room following the news that our baby had died inside of me.  Through tears and with his steady voice he said, "She's with Jesus now, Honey.  She's with Jesus."  We surrendered her back to Him the day we brought her to her grave and buried her...and we continue to surrender her whenever we think about wanting her back...so, in other words, for me that is every minute of every day right now.  I think about having her back and wanting her present with us all the time, but the intensity of it isn't quite as much as it used to be.  But whenever I sit around wondering why she isn't with us, I have to remember that we surrendered her...

we surrendered her...

and she is not in her grave...

she is with Him...

So this year around Mother's Day, I am thankful that I knew my precious Solveig in my womb for 33.5 weeks...and actually had her there for 34 weeks.  I'm thankful that He has given me a wonderful husband to be the greatest daddy in the world to our Bug and Buzz.  I'm thankful for my mother-in-law and how she raised my husband to be a wonderful human being, and for the love she has bestowed upon our family. I'm thankful that I get to be the mama for Bug and Buzz...they are some of the richest blessings I've ever known.  I'm thankful that God has given me a great mom who has been so present in my world and has loved me through thick and thin, and has modeled for me how to be a woman of deep faith in God.  And I'm thankful also for my aunties who have been like moms to me and my brothers and grandmas for our kids.  I'm thankful for all the women in my life who have shown me friendship, grace, strength and love...there are some of you who are like mamas to me and I appreciate you and love you so.  And I'm thankful for the friends who have stood by my side, especially through this journey of grief.  You  are such special gifts to me.

May the Lord give all you women out there a special hug of grace today.  May He surround you with His love, whatever journey you are on.

And know that I'd give you a hug too if I could.  Bless you, dear ones.

Not Able To Draw...

Today at my MO_PS group, our speaker talked about planning how we want our family to be and how we want it to look.  She was coming at it more from a spiritual perspective and did a great job reminding us of the importance to include our faith in the day to day of raising our kids.  She shared how special it was that her parents quoted scripture a lot in reference to different situations that would arise, and how she still today remembers those scriptures readily because she heard them so many times.  My parents did a good job of that as well.  Thanks, Mom and Dad.  You definitely helped implant many verses into my brain.  The one that really stands out in my mind is "children obey your parents, for this is right."  Ah yes, the times of not wanting to obey were many!  And now, as a parent myself, I understand why they kept telling me that verse and why they wanted me to remember it!

I hadn't cried for more than about a minute in days.  Things were going along swimmingly well.  And then today, at our meeting, our speaker had wanted us to participate in a certain exercise.  She had given us packets with some materials to help us with our family planning and outlook, along with lots of scriptures and thoughts to encourage us.  On the front of our packet was a blank page that said something like "my family picture."  She asked us to draw what we wanted our family to look like.  Well, at that moment I completely lost it.  The anxiety welled up in me and the reminder that we just lost our baby girl exactly 10 weeks ago and that her due date was exactly one month ago hit me smack in the face.  For you see, I had it all planned out in my head.  For years, I have wanted three or four kids...probably my whole life.  My whole life I had planned that I would have at least three kids, because naturally having grown up in a house with three kids it seemed like a good number.  Of course, after having our two miscarriages the reality of possibly not having another became quite clear.  And then our sweet Solveig was such an amazing miracle.  We knew, and still KNOW, that she was a true gift from God.  During her pregnancy I was planning out in my mind what our little family would look like, and it finally felt complete because she was in the picture.  Then life happened, and her life was taken away.  Her life was taken away to Jesus, where she continues to live.  As my friend Kellie says about her daughter, "Makenzie is in future, she's just ahead of me."  And my Solveig is also ahead of me, along with our other two babies.

So, now that our little Solveig is not in our earthly picture, how do I go about drawing a picture of how I want my family to look?  Do I draw it with Solveig in the picture?  Because obviously, that's how I want it to look.  I want her here.  I miss her so immensely today that it almost feels like she just died yesterday.  And honestly, I didn't know that I could feel that way again.  My body and my spirit are aching for her today.  I literally feel her presence absent from me once again.

Needless to say, I couldn't draw that picture.  Tears fell in rapid succession from my eyes and covered the pages of paper that were beneath me.  My friends at the table all understood.  And one even said, "we're not going to draw pictures right now."  Bless her heart.  :)  Love you Trisha.

We cannot see into the future, unless God gives us visions.  But not many of us have that kind of spiritual gift.  Furthermore, there is a lot about our futures that we do not know because God doesn't want us to know it all.  Imagine, if we knew everything about our futures, we'd probably be a mess every second of every day!  Because the reality is, we will ALL face difficult things in our lives.  Every single one of us.  We are not meant to live this life with freedom from pain and trial, for this world is full of it.  BUT...we can know that we have a hope and a future if we trust in Christ.  He has given us hope for all eternity in Heaven!

Even if I don't know what my family is supposed to look like like on paper, I do know that God knows.  He knows exactly what it is supposed to look like.  And Solveig will ALWAYS be part of our family, as will our other two little babies.  They may not reside with us here on earth in their physical beings, but one day when we are in Heaven, we will be reunited with them.  And in the meantime, here on earth, we can ask God to help us focus our days with purpose and intent.  We can ask Him to help us be the family that He has called us to be.  And He will draw our picture, even when we are at a loss...for He has the strength that none other could ever have.

In my mind, my angel babies are flying high in the sky, above our family picture here on earth...high above these little monkeys who will one day get to play with them in Heaven. Won't that be the BEST playtime ever???

This photo was taken in Michigan last August...the day that we found out we were pregnant with Solveig. :)  That was really a sweet day.

Our Story - Part Five

Two months ago today she was born still.  I was sitting at Bug's church choir program this evening and happened to look down at my watch...April 29th...the 29th...two months ago, February 29th was Solveig's birth day.  It didn't cause me to burst into tears or anything like that, but just the recognition factor kicked in and I was reminded of her.  I like being reminded of her.  I like to think about her, because she is my daughter and she always will be.  I've had several great days of living life quite fully and having joy again.  This is a blessing.  I'm hopeful there will be more of those before the next wave swells up to shore in my heart.

So, the story continues...part five...

I left off in the funeral home.  We gave Solveig to our funeral director Dan, only about 32 hours after her birth.  I believe with all my heart that Dan and the other funeral directors, Sharon and Richard, took great care of my baby girl's body.  And I thank them for that.  They showed the utmost respect to us and we are so appreciative.  Thank you, funeral directors.

We walked out of that funeral home and I felt so strange, not having Solveig in my arms.  It was odd to not carry her around with me anymore.  There was something so "normal" about holding my baby in my arms, even if she was dead.  It made me feel like a mama to her.  But leaving her...that did NOT feel right.      I just knew that I had to do it, and I did.  Her weight was gone, which equals absence of an unwanted sort. Nobody wants to feel that type of absence, but God has allowed me and Erik to feel that.  I can tell you one thing...I hold my other two children more tightly now.  I watch them like a hawk.  Yes, I feel a bit of "helicopter mom" coming on.  And it's not because I want to be like that.  I think it's just an instinctual thing that has happened.  A fear I face now of not wanting anything to happen to my Bug and Buzz.  I don't know what I'd do if something happened to them.  And yet the utter reality I've been faced with is also that I am to continually present my children to the Lord.  They belong to HIM, not me.  They are just on loan to me for awhile on this earth.  Kellie talked about this the other day and it really sank in with me. Sure I've thought about it before, but after releasing our daughter to the Lord I understood it fully for the first time...the need to surrender.  We humans hate surrender.  We want to keep a tight grip on that which we consider dear and sacred to us.  But we are called to let go.  Such a hard lesson, but so true.

I touched on this before, but after we left the funeral home we visited three different cemeteries and finally found our sweet country cemetery.  I really like going there and I'm surprised I don't have the urge to go every day.  But I don't.  I love going there though and always treasure my moments near Solveig's grave.  I'm looking forward to ordering her a headstone.  Her grave will also be mine.  That is kind of an odd thing - to already know where my body will be laid to rest.  But for some reason, it truly gives me a peace knowing that my body will be laid with hers.  We will be together again physically, but we will be together again spiritually even before that.  When my spirit leaves my body and flies to Jesus, my baby will be there waiting for me.  I can hardly wait.  Okay...now the tears are coming.  See, I knew they would come sometime soon.  It's this writing business...it pulls out the good, the bad and the difficult...but I'm finding it so worth it all.  Such healing is coming through it for me.  So...back to the grave...one of the neatest things about the cemetery we chose is that it is SO small.  It is run by volunteers from a church, as it is that church's cemetery.  It is nice that we didn't have to be members of that church to use their cemetery.  The sweet people who volunteer their time are such gems of humanity.  I have met a few of them and have had the chance to thank them for what they do.  One of them told me that he really enjoys being out there, and finds it so peaceful.  Bless his heart.  There is a sweet pond that was frozen when we were choosing the cemetery so we didn't get to see it then.  Of course it has since thawed and it is adorable, and lots of birds gather round.  I like to sit on the benches near the pond and walk around it and think.

After leaving the cemetery, we came home and crashed.  Our parents were taking turns watching the kids, so we were able to relieve them and spend a little time with our kids and just rest in our own home again.  Of course it was bizarre to come home without our baby.  The law here in MN does say that parents are allowed to take their babies home from the hospital if they want to...but as I alluded to before, there are some challenges between the state law, hospital regulations and funeral home policies that didn't make it possible for us to bring Solveig home.  But in all honesty, I don't think I would have wanted to do that.  Some people really like to do that, and I think that's neat for them.  Some people like that they can bring their baby home and spend time rocking the baby in his or her room, visit with family and friends in a less stressful atmosphere, etc.  But for us it was okay that we didn't take that route.  We felt right about leaving her with the funeral directors.  And we knew we'd see her physical body again a few times before we buried her, so that helped a little bit.

Our kids were so glad to have us home again.  They needed their mommy and daddy, and we needed them.  I was so glad to be able to hold them in my arms again.  We started to read some of the books we had been given for children going through the loss of a baby sibling.  I'm so glad for those resources.  One of my favorite books for them isn't really about grief, but it's just about Heaven.  If you haven't yet read Heaven Is For Real, I highly encourage you to do so.  We had read it a few months before Solveig's death and have found it incredibly helpful for understanding perhaps a bit more about what Heaven is like.  There happens to be a kids version of the book which has GORGEOUS illustrations and has brought to life even more the reality of Heaven for us and for our kids.

The next day was Friday.  We woke up knowing that we would have a LOT to do this day.  The first thing we did was to go to my favorite store with the big red bullseye to obtain a replacement white blanket, identical to the one that we had purchased for Solveig to be wrapped in.   We then went to the funeral home to see Solveig again and to choose a casket for her.  We were able to spend a long time holding her again and looking at her tiny, beautiful features.  She was cold because she had been in the refrigerator.  I know, hard to hear, but real.  But again, it really didn't matter to us.  She still looked so pretty to us.  She was still our sweet girl...the one who had had been warm and had come out only two days earlier.  I wanted to cherish every moment that I could with her.  After holding her for awhile, we switched out the blankets.  I took the bloodied blanket that had held my daughter's body as I wanted to keep it with me forever, and we wrapped her instead in the identical blanket.

We were then presented with three options for a casket.  There was a tiny white one which wasn't really long enough for Solveig's eighteen inch body.  Then there was a white one that was a little bit bigger.  And then there was a beautiful marbled light pink one.  Erik and I were both immediately drawn to that pink one and we knew it was right for our girl.  It was so pretty.  I never knew I'd call a casket pretty, but this one sure was.  Sharon, the funeral director we worked with that morning, said that the pink casket was brand new and she decided to bring it along for us to see.  I'm so glad that she did.  Casket shopping for our child was so strange and definitely brought out a whole new flood of tears.  These are decisions that parents don't want to have to face.

After mustering up enough strength to yet again leave our daughter behind, we left the funeral home and went out shopping for more things.  Next up, we had to go back to the cemetery to actually choose a plot.  Sobering.  But Jerry, the sweet man who volunteers and helped us out, was so tender with us.  He had tears in his eyes and just a sweet, soft-spoken manner.  I appreciate him greatly.

Erik got a new suit as he hadn't gotten one of those since his first job interview. :)  Bless him.  We found a really helpful guy at our local department store who heard our story and immediately went to work helping Erik.  I thankfully have a closet full of black formals from singing, so there were a few options that would work with my swollen, just had a baby body.  I settled on one black velvet dress that I wore in college and have used several times since!  It has that timeless look, so I doubt anyone knew how old it was...but now you know!  Bug would wear her beautiful white dress which we bought for the hospital pictures, and Buzz would wear his black suit and tie from Christmas.

We also had to tend to the final details of our funeral program which we had been planning since Sunday night when we found out that Solveig was gone.  Thank you to sweet Lisa for working behind the scenes to make our program look AMAZING.  It was so pretty and delicate, just like our little girl.

This picture was on the front of the program...

I love this one.  It's so tender and soft and sweet.  I think our Solving had a sweet spirit.  I could sense that.  I think that she was also feisty like our other two kids, as she was constantly busy inside of me.  But sometimes I wonder if some of her busyness was related to her cord strictures...and that she might have been trying to move her way out of something that wasn't comfortable...we'll never know.  I'm just so glad that I got to feel her in me at all.  She was a miracle.  I'll not forget that.

There is so much more to share, but this post is already super long...so I'll save more for another day...thanks for reading and thanks for your continued prayers for our family.  We feel such a peace and strength.  The kind of peace that is perfect from the Lord.

The following was my mom's life verse while she was going through her cancer, almost 12 years ago...

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."
-Isaiah 26:2-4-