The sky is dark, and my spirit feels dark. A weight of heaviness is pressing down on me and I have hit a wall mentally and emotionally. Anger manifested itself last night and I found myself crying out to God, asking Him why He would allow our baby to die when she was so close to living here on Earth. Why would he allow us to lose another child after having two miscarriages before Solveig's rather healthy pregnancy? Why wasn't that cord seen before her death and the subsequent delivery? Why didn't I ever have a 3D ultrasound where perhaps the cord would be more noticeable? Why didn't anybody suspect cord problems when we learned that Solveig had PAC - premature atrial contractions - sometime around 26-28 weeks? I cannot remember now exactly when that was...and in case you don't know what PAC is for an infant in the womb, it just means that there is sort of an extra heartbeat...but that is supposed to resolve upon delivery when the cord is cut and the baby's blood then completely flows on its own through their body. But I just read something which I need to verify with my dr. friends...that heartbeat abnormalities can sometimes be attributed to nuchal cords...and that true knots in cords often happen fairly early in the pregnancy. If those things are true, then why wasn't the cord seen in the gizillion ultrasounds that were taken of my daughter? There are so many mysteries that I'm trying to solve...and I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I will NOT be able to solve them all this side of Heaven. There are many things which will have to wait. That is excruciating right now.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Dark
We had our second counseling appointment last night with Grace. It's good that we are facing our issues head on...but it is extremely difficult at the same time. I know that in the long run it will be for the best. But going through the mire is the hardest part. We need your prayers. We need God to remind us of His presence right now...and His goodness...and His strength...He never will leave us or forsake us...a fact that it so hard to swallow in such a time as this...yet a fact that I have to choose to believe.
This morning I am taking some time to read, pray and maybe sleep. I'm exhausted and can barely think straight. This is where I am. He is still there...even when I am here.
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7 comments:
Oh Melody, I can SO relate to what you are expressing here! I have been where you are. I'm praying for you today, friend.
It's been an unusually busy week, and will be through this weekend, but I will be in touch again soon.
Praying for you, Melody, from Isaiah 43:1-3:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;"
Dear Melody, I applaud your honesty! I am so proud of you for acknowledging your pain and truly articulating and feeling it. You are right, the only way to healing is through the mire. Take the time to be a mess today. I love you.
Melody I was just praying for you this morning while getting ready and then saw this post. I read every entry and always feel my heart open for you and your family with so much love and prayers for peace. Continue to embrace and accept all your feelings. You will persevere and again find beautiful rhythms in your days. And through it all Solveig & your family will continue to remain in all our hearts and thoughts; her spirit will be remembered always.
Melody, I am so very sorry. There will be these days on this path. I have been fine one day and the next in the depth of despair. You are doing the right thing seeking the Lord and resting. Good days will come again, Hold onto that hope. Thank you so much for your transparency, It is so helpful to know that we are in this together. Hugs and lots of prayers coming your way!
Amen sister! This sucks. It is not fair. Thank you for sharing. I pray for you as I pray for myself (when I am able to pray...) that we'll give ourselves grace and have patience with ourselves through the grieving/mourning process.Praying for peace for you today. I'm thankful for our head knowledge about God that can get us through when our hearts don't feel it at all. And that God is there even when I'm screaming and cursing at him for letting my baby die.
My husband and I asked my OB about the cord being around her neck and why couldn't they see it. They could see it. It is visible on an US. But, it is so common (maybe the same with knots also) and most babies are born without problems. She told us that they monitor by checking for signs of cord compression through heartbeat checks and NST's. It seems like there is more they could do though. Even though it most often doesn't lead to death it still does and what about us? I had a NST and BPP on a Thurs and she passed with flying colors and then died that weekend.
I so understand you and everything you are saying. I wonder how they could not have seen the cord around his neck and why is it not taken more seriously.
Thinking of you!!
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