The sky is dark, and my spirit feels dark. A weight of heaviness is pressing down on me and I have hit a wall mentally and emotionally. Anger manifested itself last night and I found myself crying out to God, asking Him why He would allow our baby to die when she was so close to living here on Earth. Why would he allow us to lose another child after having two miscarriages before Solveig's rather healthy pregnancy? Why wasn't that cord seen before her death and the subsequent delivery? Why didn't I ever have a 3D ultrasound where perhaps the cord would be more noticeable? Why didn't anybody suspect cord problems when we learned that Solveig had PAC - premature atrial contractions - sometime around 26-28 weeks? I cannot remember now exactly when that was...and in case you don't know what PAC is for an infant in the womb, it just means that there is sort of an extra heartbeat...but that is supposed to resolve upon delivery when the cord is cut and the baby's blood then completely flows on its own through their body. But I just read something which I need to verify with my dr. friends...that heartbeat abnormalities can sometimes be attributed to nuchal cords...and that true knots in cords often happen fairly early in the pregnancy. If those things are true, then why wasn't the cord seen in the gizillion ultrasounds that were taken of my daughter? There are so many mysteries that I'm trying to solve...and I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I will NOT be able to solve them all this side of Heaven. There are many things which will have to wait. That is excruciating right now.
Friday, April 13, 2012
We had our second counseling appointment last night with Grace. It's good that we are facing our issues head on...but it is extremely difficult at the same time. I know that in the long run it will be for the best. But going through the mire is the hardest part. We need your prayers. We need God to remind us of His presence right now...and His goodness...and His strength...He never will leave us or forsake us...a fact that it so hard to swallow in such a time as this...yet a fact that I have to choose to believe.
This morning I am taking some time to read, pray and maybe sleep. I'm exhausted and can barely think straight. This is where I am. He is still there...even when I am here.