For a few days I've been doing really well and haven't had any major meltdowns. It has been nice to be living life with my family, enjoying my kids and being grateful for the safe return of my Erik. He was gone for four nights on a business trip to the Na_pa Val_ley area of Ca_lifor_nia. Nice, right? :) I'm happy for him that he could get away for a little bit. It was so healthy for both of us to have some time to think and reflect. But I'm SO glad that he is home again as I missed him a lot!
Today we had the chance to spend time with some sweet friends who are here from Sea_ttle. It was a nice little reunion. On the way home, I started telling Erik how my mind has been rehearsing what happened with Solveig. Naturally, I think about her all the time. And some of the time my thoughts are consumed with how she died and the process therein. I will always vividly remember the 200 ticks that I felt in rapid succession. I will probably always wish that I had called the Dr. right away to ask about that and then rush to the hospital to see if we could save Solveig's life. But the reality is, even if we had gotten to her before she was completely gone, she may have been brain dead from having a seizure. I really believe it was a seizure that was happening to her. I'd like to learn more about this ordeal and really study it from a medical perspective because it is quite fascinating to me now. I want to know as many details and potential scenarios from an earthly perspective as I possibly can. That's just how I operate. I'm hoping that I can get my hands on some medical journal articles about this type of seizure caused by the cord stricture, and I'm hoping to speak with some doctors about it. People can tell me to get over it or move on or try to let go of it...but as a mama who has lost this little life, I think I'll always remember her last moments inside of me...and I'll always wonder "what if." What if she had been spared...would she have health problems from her struggle? Would she have been mentally or physically challenged? Would she have been fine? Would she have lived for a little bit and then died? I'll never know. And she's not here. And I'm learning to live in the "new normal".
At the same time, Erik and I were talking about the sovereignty of God and how it relates to Solveig and her life. I do believe that He knew what would happen to her. And I believe He is sovereign. He is the author of life, and the author of time. "He giveth and He taketh away." As hard as it is for me to comprehend and as hard as it is to say at times, blessed be the name of the Lord. He has been bringing joy in the midst of this pain. He has been helping me to think of my little girl being complete and being full of true joy in the midst of the Lord. He has shown me His presence and His strength in my hurt. And He has been bringing me peace in the midst of what feels like a huge gale. I still love the Lord. I still worship Him. And I still miss my Solveig and always will...but He is still good, no matter what.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Replay
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3 comments:
I came across your blog quite by accident. But in reality are things accidental or is there a purpose of my reading your blog tonight. On so many different levels I can understand how you feel. The worst words in our vocabulary are, "Get over it" Move on, or you can have another . I lost a baby many years ago, there isn't a day that still passes that you wonder what kind of person your child would have grown to be...? As a mother I miss what I didn't have in this chid. But as a spiritual being I love that he/she is surrounded with love.
No one can tell you how you are supposed to grieve, the length of time or what your feelings should be.
Grief is a strange part of our growing process. I am currently dealing with late stage Breast Cancer. I had a double Mastectomy 2 years ago Went through chemo lost my hair, I loved being bald, very liberating. What I did grieve for was not my sick breasts or the loss of my hair. I grieved for losing my eyebrows. Suddenly there wasn't that separation between my eyes forehead and the top of my head. It felt like a disconnection . Here I was a head only my eyebrows were what gave me expression. Without them no one could truly see how I felt. The same as no one can truly know how you grieve....
I wish you Peace & Blessing..to you and your family. Your beautiful daughter is one more Baby Angel.
Love Alli.....xx
Melody, that last statement is just how feel. I still know he is good, I still worship him, but I still miss my baby. I am so blessed to have you, to know I am not alone.
I completely understand. I feel the same way. We had so little time with our babies that our mothering hearts want to make the most out of it. God's sovereignty is comforting in knowing that we cannot change the outcome but maddening in that He could have changed it and didn't.
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