Come and Gone

The due date came and it quickly went yesterday. It was a rather peaceful day that we were able to spend together as a family. Bug ended up having a fever Easter night, so we weren't able to send her to school due to the 24 hour fever rule. She woke up feeling well on Monday. I think that perhaps she is just getting ready to lose her first tooth, as she has been complaining of sore teeth lately. Here I thought she had just eaten a little too much candy from her Easter basket!

With the Bug and Buzz we decided to venture out to do something fun, as we felt like Solveig would have wanted us to be celebrating. Our attempts at visiting a few special museums downtown were not fulfilled as both museums were indeed closed. Bummer! Alas, we thought we should go and walk around the beautiful cathedral in the city. It was so pretty in there, but not as quiet as Buzz would have liked. There were some construction workers trying to fancy it up a bit and their jackhammers were quite noisy. I lit a candle for our little Solveig while we were there, just because. It was so tiny and sweet, like her.

In an effort to find some pretty flowers, trees or shrubs to plant in honor of our baby this year, we went to a nearby greenhouse and enjoyed walking around and meeting "Baby" the beautiful parrot who greeted us with repeated cries of "hello" and "hi!" Bug was so entertained by that cute bird. A few of the options for plants/flowers that really seemed to jump out at me in their beauty and potential were the Bleeding Heart and the Azaleas (?). I know that second one has another name which I am briefly forgetting as I type...but I love the vibrant shades of both plants. And isn't the name of the first one so befitting? I sure think so. It was great to get some ideas. Now we have to figure out what we want, and wait for the frozen tundra to stop freezing before we can plant.

The restaurant where kids get to wear crowns beckoned us next for lunch and playtime in the tubes that I like to refer to as a virtual cesspool of germs. But the kids think that the cesspool is amazing and they love to go there occasionally. After our greasy spoon lunch and playtime, we headed to the grocery store to pick up some roses and headed on our way to the cemetery. It was a windy yet sunny day, and although it was a bit cool, at least it was MUCH warmer than the day when we buried our daughter in early March with snow covering the ground. Having the kids with us was so special. Solveig's grave is still fresh with dirt as the grass seed has yet to be planted. Erik pounded our little easel stake into the ground and on it we hung a cute heart shaped wreath that I found pre-made at the craft store. Remember, I'm what I like to refer to as "craft challenged," so for me to find something that was cute that I didn't have to make myself was just perfect! Now there is something adorning our daughter's grave site and I'm so glad that it is there. We laid our roses on the ground next to the wreath. And we talked about our little friend B who is laid to rest next to Solveig. She was also born still, almost five years ago. Bug said, "I bet Solveig and B are playing in Heaven together right now! They're probably having so much fun!" I love the insight of children. And I'm so glad that my little girl thinks of Heaven so positively! That she can imagine it with joy in her little heart. That is beautiful to me.

Up to this point in the day I had been doing fine emotionally and really wasn't upset. However, as we drove away from the cemetery it really hit me that she was missing. Solveig wasn't with us in the physical sense. It hit me that she would have been riding with us in the car...that we would have been taking her places and that people would be holding her and passing her around...that she would be experiencing life with us and us with her. And now she is absent in body. But I so believe that we always feel a bit of her presence with us on earth, even though her spirit is with the Lord in Heaven.

The tears continue to come occasionally, but I am not crying constantly. I am not in despair. I wonder if I ever will be in full despair over this loss...other than how I felt at the initial loss. So much hope has risen up in me, and so much peace over all. A peace that passes all understanding. A peace that can only come from the Lord. I miss my little girl. I'd love to have her back. But I will go on. Life must go on. And I will continue to grieve her loss, perhaps the rest of my life. But joy will return. The journey continues...