Solveig's Birthday - 3 Years Later…Part One

I have been struggling with how to write this post and have been contemplating it for weeks now.  So I decided it was time to just sit down and start typing.  It has been almost a year since I last blogged.  I have been so busy living life…and that is a beautiful thing.  I just didn't feel the need to blog.  But now I guess I do.

A few days ago we celebrated Solveig Sofia's 3rd birthday.  While she is in Heaven, we still like to celebrate, remember, and honor her here on Earth.  But let me back up.

Beginning in January, my heart gets a sinking feeling.  It is that time of year, I remind myself.  The time of year when I was carrying my little girl and was being seen in the clinic all the time.  It is often bleak in our midwinter here in MN.  After Christmas and New Years Eve have passed and the days are cold and long, I find myself often struggling to be filled with joy.  I think some of that has to do with seasonal sadness, but I think it also has to do with Solveig's impending birthday.  This year I think I may have done a little better than the last two prior to it.  I just feel like I am in a better place emotionally, overall.  But a few weeks prior to her birthday, I had a really tough weekend.  I was just so sad as I realized that her day was arriving.  And it is not just the actual day of the birth that is typically challenging.  It is all of the marked days leading up to it and the days following it…

The day I had my last ultrasound when I was told that she wasn't growing and they would do another ultrasound the following Monday (that would never happen)…this was on a Monday.

The day I woke up to her having a seizure inside of me and flailing rapidly 200 times…Friday.

The day we went about our life, even though that night before I told Erik that something felt really wrong…and I didn't feel her move except for shifting a couple of times…Saturday.

The day we continued to go about our life, even though I really felt wrong about going to church…I felt sick in my spirit the entire time because I knew that she was gone…Sunday.

It was that last night, Sunday, that we went into the hospital and had the confirmation that she was gone.  That was beyond hard.  And I can remember it like it was yesterday.

But I'm so glad that we went home and then we had a chance to prepare mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually for what was about to happen two days later.

The day we talked with dear Annette from the hospital and went out shopping for our daughter's one and only outfit for this earth and a beautiful blanket and bracelet…Monday.

The day we went to the hospital to begin our induction for delivery…and we received our special box full of items to help us through this journey…Tuesday.

The day she was born at 8:30 am, weighing 3 lbs 10.6 oz…her tiny, thin body still and her umbilical cord wrapped around her neck three times, around her abdomen and her arm with a true knot in it…Wednesday, February 29, 2012.

The day we met with our pastors and left the hospital, me carrying our daughter in my arms in the car of the funeral director and then planning her funeral…Thursday.

The day we went out to find a suit for her daddy and chose our cemetery…Friday.

The day we held her beautiful funeral service at our church and were reminded that are blessed with so many supportive friends and family who were there to support and encourage us…Saturday.

The day we lay around not knowing what to do…Sunday.

The day we last looked at her body and buried her in a tiny pink casket in cold weather in a very quick graveside service and then had a family lunch…Monday.

Every year I go through those days mentally and emotionally as her birthday happens.  This year, the actual days weren't as hard.  The birthday weekend was really busy and good, and it was also emotionally taxing at times…but so good.  I'm glad that I can now say it was good.

On the 28th, the day we celebrate her birthday when it is not a leap year, our little family went to our local children's museum, played and ate lunch there.  All three kids and us two parents had such a lovely time doing something joyful…something Solveig would have surely liked if she were with us.  It was fun to see our little guy really enjoy the museum this time.  Then we headed home for little Squeaker to take his nap.  After nap, we had dinner at a really fun burger place and then went to the cemetery with our pale pink roses to lay beside her grave and our pink heart balloons to be released.  My sweet friend Natalie had yet again placed a beautiful rose and a note by her stone.  That is so meaningful…someone remembered…a sweet friend remembered my little girl.  Thank you dear Natalie.

Interestingly enough, when we went to release the pink balloons, only one of our six balloons flew away…

the other balloons got stuck in the tree.

Wow.

It was so symbolic.  It was a reminder that our little girl flew to Heaven and we are here yet on Earth.  We are stuck in that tree.  We are not meant to be with her yet.  God has more for us to do here.  It was good for my mama's heart that often just yearns to be with her and our other family and loved ones in Heaven.

We are supposed to be here right now.

Lord, show us what it is that you wish for us to do and how you wish for us to live our lives.  Help us to live well and love well.

There is more to say…it will come soon…

Thank you for your continued support, love and prayers for our family.  It means so much.

Solveig's Birthday - 2 years

This is long…just so you know.

Numb.  I am numb right now as I begin typing this post.  And yet I feel the need to write, so here I go.

For many days and weeks leading up to Solveig's birthday, I had a lot of great moments.  I was really feeling good about things and only periodically did I have a meltdown.  But yesterday and today I had some really difficult moments.

Yesterday was February 28th.  We have decided that we will choose to celebrate Solveig's birthday on the 28th, since her birthday landed so interestingly on the 29th.  There are a lot of times that it bothers me that we don't get to have her birthday on the actual date.  But it's okay.  Really, that shouldn't matter so much.  I think that maybe one reason why I wish we could have the 29th of February every year is that for me it would just validate Solveig's life all the more, in my mind.  But she was valid.  Indeed.  She did exist.  And I believe that she still exists in Heaven.  Her spirit is there.  So whether or not her birthdate on earth is available to us on paper each year, we can still honor her life.

For Solveig's birthday, we ended up doing pretty much a repeat of last year's festivities.  We allowed our kids to skip school because this is important to us.  And we took them to the local kids museum where they had a wonderful time playing and imagining all sorts of adventures.  Mr. Squeaker finally fell asleep in his stroller and took a brief nap, which allowed him to be somewhat human for the rest of our time at the museum.  I think he didn't want to miss out on all the fun though.  It was nice to have him along with us this year, outside of my womb, alive and well.  Just another healing mark on the journey.

Spending quality fun time with our Bug and Buzz was so important to me and to Erik.  It felt so healthy to be laughing and enjoying them.  We played together, and I felt so free.  At home it's so easy to get into our routines…go, go, go all day long…and I truly feel like we don't take enough time to just stop and play with our kids.  So it felt like such a gift to have that time at the museum with them.

One interesting thing that happened while we were at the museum was that our kids were playing in this mock river dam setup.  There were about 5 plastic water creature toys to about 20 grappling children.  Perhaps some of the regular toys that live in that river had been stashed in a nearby hole or something, but it was kind of interesting to see the kids trying to negotiate who would get what toy or if they'd get one at all.  My sweet boy was playing with a little red lobster toy when all of the sudden, a younger, bossier little blonde girl from a preschool group came rushing up and grabbed the lobster hastily out of Buzzy's hands.  He just stood there in shock and awe and didn't know what to do or how to respond.  I so wanted to grab it back for him, but of course that wouldn't be helpful now, would it?  After watching that child not only take the toy but also claim one of the other five available toys per 20 kid capita, I politely said to her, "would you mind please sharing one of those toys since you have two?"  She just stared at me and made some little annoyed sound and rushed off to something else.  I think she was about four.  Anyway, Buzz was so sad.  I told him that he handled the situation politely by not grabbing it back from her.  But that he could also choose to say something along the lines of, "it isn't polite to steal a toy from someone.  Next time you could ask, 'please may I have that toy?'  Poor kid…guess we need to work on healthy confrontational skills some more…but his peacemaker ways are very sweet too. I did end up writing a comment on the comment cards asking if they could perhaps add a few more toys to the river dam…

Alas…I digress.

After thoroughly enjoying the museum and capping off our visit with some face painting where Buzz decided to paint his face entirely green to look like an alien and Bug decided to paint hers like a tropical bird, we headed off to a nearby restaurant for some delicious eats.  It was then home to nap the little Squeaker and exhausted parents, and then rev up for another part of the day.

Daddy went out and bought some light pink balloons and some light pink roses.  We went to our cemetery after nap time.  And in very cold weather, perhaps 5 degrees Fahrenheit, we climbed over the deep snow to Solveig's grave with Baby wrapped up in his warm bundle and blankets over his head and around his body.  When Daddy had the camera tripod all set for a few pics, we quickly unveiled our Squeaker's blanket shrouded head and took several pictures of us standing by the stone as a family. Then it was time for laying the roses by her stone and also releasing the balloons.  This year, the balloons were able to gracefully fly into the sky.  But just like last year, one balloon somehow got a little bit stuck and did its own thing!  That to me was so symbolic of Solveig, going on her way to Heaven separate from us.  It made us giggle a little bit.

Buzz said, "I hope the balloons make it all the way to Heaven!"

I cried and said, "Me too Buddy!  Me too."

We finished our little ceremonial time and headed back home to make dinner out of leftovers.  Wow, my creative juices were shot I guess.  I had great intentions of making a special dinner, but that wasn't meant to be.  However, I did make up some homemade vanilla cupcakes the night before and had them frozen so they would be easy to frost.  The kids helped me to make some light pink frosting.  And I sat and decorated cupcakes with them.  Buzz wanted just gobs of frosting and no sprinkles on his.  And Bug spent a lot of time adding TONS of sprinkles on hers!  Again, it felt so good to just do something fun with them.  The kids sang several different renditions of Happy Birthday.

Today, March 1st, we had a birthday breakfast of homemade crepes with fruit, whipped cream and maple syrup.  It was my first time making crepes, so lets just say that there were a LOT of flopped pancakes.  But they still tasted delicious.  After kind of a slow day, I ended up going out for some big box store therapy grocery shopping.  It felt good to get out of the house.  And then after supper tonight we had a chance to do some more reminiscing with our kids.

We got out our pale pink scrapbook with Solveig's photos and big purple storage bin that has Solveig's things in it…her white blanket and pink bear that I basically lived with until after Squeaker was born over a year later, the hundreds of sympathy cards that loving people sent to us (I read about half of them again tonight and wept…thank you, friends), the candles that were used at her funeral that I cannot bear to part with or use yet, the outfits that friends and family gave to us in preparation for our daughter that I still cannot get rid of and I think I may always keep, the mini strawberry dress that matched big sister Bug's strawberry dress…purchased just a week before Solveig died inside of me, the box that was given to us at the hospital in loving memory of a little boy named Colton, (the inspiration for me taking on the box project that his parents used to be a part of), her footprints and handprints…so delicate and tiny, her dark brown hair clippings inside the Tress Press…the same dark hair as her sister Bug and brother Squeaker…it was really good but really hard to look at these things.

Part way through going over the memory items, my sweet seven year old Bug said, "Mom, I can tell that you are getting really teary.  Perhaps this has been enough for one day."  Bless her heart.

I said, "Honey, it's okay that I'm crying.  It's okay to be sad about this and to look at Solveig's things.  But thank you so much for being sensitive and for caring so much about your mama."

Then Buzz said as he was looking at the photos of Solveig, "I miss Solveig so much.  I can't wait to see her again."

I said, "I know, Honey.  We all feel the same way."

My sweet husband was soaking in all of the mementos.  He was looking at it all and holding back the tears in his eyes.  What especially caught him tonight were the photos of him holding Solveig and weeping when we were holding her and bathing her.  Those are some of my favorites…they are so tender and show his depth and love for his daughter.  As he said last year when we visited her hospital room, "It just makes me sad to think about the life that could have been."

Yes, it makes me sad too.  Sometimes it really makes me very sad.

And other days I truly don't feel sad about it like I used to.  I think it is perfectly healthy and good and normal that we dug out all of her things and went through it today…that we spent time thinking about her and talking about her as a family…that we will always remember her out loud…because I don't want our family to ever forget her.  She meant something to us and always will.  She was born.  She was still.  But she was born.

Having our sweet Solveig has changed my life forever.  I feel things more deeply now than I think I could before.  I see other people hurting in a different way than before.  I feel more aware of a lot of things that I think matter in this world.  And I wish that I could help everyone who is in pain.  The reality of course it that I can't do that because I'm just one person.  But I do care.  And I can pray.  I can pray for people…that is something that I can do.  I so long to help other people who are going through the loss of their child, and I am thankful to be able to do some of this.

Thank you for caring about me…about our family…for remembering our daughter with us.  We all miss her very much.  It isn't just me.  We all grieve differently, and that is alright.  But we are learning to process our grief alone and together.  It is still a process.  And I believe it will go on for the rest of our lives, and that is alright.  It is okay to grieve.  And it is healthy to grieve.

And in grieving fully, I believe we are able to more better move forward in our lives.  I truly feel like I am able to "do life" better now than I could two years ago, or one year ago, or even six months ago.  Each day brings new strength that only comes from God.  I could not go on without His love for me.

Blessings and peace, friends.

Thanks Heather Hanson for capturing this photo of my Solveig bear from the Missing Grace Foundation with the kids a few months after we lost her...

I cherish these family photos that we had taken that day.  Thank you Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and Jen Kelly.

Fall Family Photos

Since we've had Squeaker, we haven't taken enough photos.  Life has been so busy, exhausting and good.  So, this past Saturday we had our family photos taken with my friend Heather.  (Heather is the one whose sweet little Briana was also born still and is buried next to our Solveig.  I feel like we're bonded for life and that is a special thing.)  On Heather's photography blog you can see a little glimpse of our family.

Click here to see the photos.  You have to scroll down a bit to see our family - we're the last family near the bottom of the page.

Squeaker is almost six months, Buzz is 5 and Bug is 7.  Me and Daddy are old.

Cheers. :)

Mom & Me Necklaces

**Wow...here is a long lost post that I just found!  I wrote this May 2012 for Mother's Day.**

A month or so after we lost Solveig, a beautiful surprise arrived in the mail.  Our sweet friends Jo and Toby had a necklace made just for me.  It is from The Vin_tage Pe_arl and I love it.  What's so special about it is that it honors all five of my babies...the two living ones and the three who are in Heaven.  (this should really say six babies, but of course it was written originally pre-Squeaker) The kids' initials are on tiny, silver charms.  Each charm is unique for each unique child.  And for my two miscarried babies who don't yet have names, Jo honored them with two tiny white pearls.

Thank you so much Jo and Toby.  This necklace is just stunning and I wear it a lot!!!

(I decided to not post the picture of my necklace on the blog as it has my kids' initials...AND, I just ordered a charm for our little "Squeaker" so that I can wear the necklace again in honor of all of our kids!)

I was so inspired by this necklace and decided that my mom needed to have one just like it to honor her and to commemorate her five babies that she brought into this world...three living, and two who are in Heaven.  Mom and Dad had conjoined twins that were miscarried at around four months.  Mom talks about how they were so tiny and she could hold them in her hands.  I can't wait to meet them in Heaven one day.  I've always wondered if they'll still be conjoined there or if they'll be in their own single bodies.

For Mother's Day, we gave the necklace to my sweet mom.  She has been and continues to be a blessing in our lives and I'm so grateful for her.  I love you, Mom.

Erik, Joel & Melody...and two small pearls for the twins...and one large one just
 because it came with the necklace.  My necklace is really similar to the one above.

Me and my mama...the sweetest mom I could ever imagine.

I made Paula Deen's Lemon Cake for Mother's Day.

If you or someone you know could use some encouragement, I can tell you that giving a piece of jewelry to honor that person or their loved ones is so special and can mean so much.  I'll always love my special jewelry that honors my babies, and I'm so grateful to have it.  You can find a lot of these kinds of things for very inexpensive prices nowadays - it doesn't have to be fancy or cost a lot.

Blessings to you.

Another Conversation About Heaven

This morning, my sweet boy and I had a beautiful conversation about Heaven.  It went something like this...

"Buzz, I will always love you.  Please remember that I will always love you."

Buzz said, "even when you die?  Will you still love me then?"

Mama replied, "yes Buzz, I believe that I will.  Because the Bible says that we will recognize our loved ones in Heaven.  So I will know you and I will still love you!"

He said, "but there won't be any toys in Heaven."

I said, "well I don't know for sure about that part.  Maybe there will be some toys.  But more importantly, we're going to be so in awe of Jesus that nothing else is going to matter.  Everything in Heaven will be amazing."

Buzz then inquired, "will there be food in Heaven?"

I said, "yes, Honey, there will be lots of food!  In the Bible it talks about having a feast in Heaven!"

He then said, "but the streets are made of gold and that will hurt!"

I replied after thinking for a moment, "you mean, if you fall down on the gold streets it might hurt?"

"Yes," he said, "it would hurt.  I fall down a lot and get hurt a lot."

"Well, I don't think it will hurt because nothing is supposed to hurt anymore in Heaven.  There will be no more tears, no more pain and no more suffering," I said.

Buzz looked at my face and saw some tears and began wiping them away.  He said, "you have a tear on your cheek."

"Yes Honey, I do have a tear.  I'm crying because I'm missing your sister Solveig right now.  But she is in Heaven and she is having a wonderful time there."  Then I asked, "do you miss her?"

In his sweet big brother voice he said, "yes, I miss her...so much."

Be still my sad heart...this brother has such an affection for the baby sister whose shell he didn't know for more than an hour.  What a gift that he still cares for her.  And I hope he always remembers her.  I think he will, simply by virtue of the fact that we talk about her and look at her photos often.

I told him, "I'm so sorry that you didn't get to grow up with her on earth.  But when we get to Heaven, we will see her again and that will be amazing."

I held that little man for the longest time and the tears continue to stream down my face as I type this.  My gratefulness for the two who remain in my arms here on earth is full today.  I love them with a depth I never knew to be humanly possible.  And I cherish our moments that we have.

Thank you Lord for the gift of life.  May we spend it wisely.

He was so proud to hold her and to be a big brother...he didn't even seem to mind that she was no longer with us in spirit and that her skin was turning purple...

Sweet Children...

We just took a little adventure to a feed and farm store to pick up straw for our garden to use as a weed preventative.  I wish I had thought of this much sooner in the season!  Sweet Erik has helped me with the weeding - he's a rockstar in my book.

On our way home from picking up the straw, I thought we should stop at the cemetery for a few minutes.

As we were standing by the grave, Buzz said, "did you ever see her again Mommy?"

I replied, "well, no honey, because she died.  Her body is no longer with us on earth, remember?"

He said, "Oh."

I could've gone on to remind him of how we will see her again in Heaven...that God gave me that lovely picture in a vision of seeing her playing and dancing...but I think he didn't need that explanation today.  And I just wasn't on the top of my game to remember to say it.  I wish I could see her again here.  I sure would love that, but it is not to be.

How we look forward to our reunion.

Meanwhile, there is gardening to be done, clothes to be washed on this lovely warm and bright sunny day, children to laugh and play with and an oven pancake to make for dinner in a few hours...

Thank you Lord, for this wonderful gift of life you have bestowed upon me...these beautiful children who are here...my special husband who is such a gem of a man...we are blessed beyond measure...may we remember that always, even in the midst of the grief journey.

**And thank you, all of you who responded and wrote such kind, encouraging words.  You blessed me so much with that.  And I so appreciate you and your prayers for our family.  Thank you.**

Below are some pictures of Erik with the kids on one of their recent sailing adventures.  Thanks to Grandpa for taking these!

I'm linking today with Tesha's Treasures!  Be sure to check out Tesha's blog and her encouraging words.

5 Months Later...

It has been five months since Solveig came and went.  I think the depth of our loss is even greater now than it was then.  Babies and baby stuff abound around me...and many moments it is much easier to endure now than it used to be.  I see adorable baby girl sundresses at the store with the big red bullseye and everywhere else for that matter and everything in me wants to buy one...but then I am reminded that at this point there is no reason for that.  I miss her.  I miss my tiny little love and would love her to be in my arms once again.  Some days Heaven could not possibly come any sooner...and others I am grateful to yet be here.  So many reasons are present for me to stay right now, and I'm grateful for those reasons to live.  I think of her all the time still.  She is on my mind.  So if you are around me, please do not hesitate to ask me about Solveig.  Please don't hesitate to ask how I'm doing with our loss.  Please don't hesitate to say her name...because I love to hear her name.  I miss people saying her name.  And it's hard that now life is really moving on, yet we are not fully moving on nor are we ready to fully move on.  Please do not hurry us in our grief.  Please do not expect that we can not grieve any longer.  It is a lifelong process from what I hear.

We will not forget you, precious little angel Solveig Sofia.  We will never forget.  You are forever an important part of our family.

Your mama loves you sweet girl.  I know your eyes are bright and gazing upon our Savior and Lord Jesus...I can't wait to look there with you and to hold you in my arms again.

More Conversations With Kids

The family table is a great place to share conversations.  Sometimes the conversations are about very simple, surface like topics.  But there are times that the conversations dig much deeper.  Today at lunch,  we were talking about Solveig after the kids brought her up.  I love it when they bring her up...when ANYONE brings her up. :)  I like to think of her and to talk about her.

So today, Bug was talking about how she couldn't wait to see Solveig in Heaven and to see how much she had grown.  I said, "we don't know how big she'll be when we meet her in Heaven.  That will be interesting to find out."  Bug said, "I think she will have grown taller!"  Buzz said, "I want Solveig to gwow and gwow and gwow!" (he cannot say his r's right now at age 4 - it's really cute)

Then Buzz said, "but I don't know if Solveig will be in Heaven."

I thought about this.  And of course, after discussing this matter with lots of people now including our pastor, I know that the Bible does not say for sure if babies are in Heaven.  But when we met with our pastor He affirmed that it all comes down to remembering the character of God...that He is a loving, just and merciful God.  There are lots of scriptures from the Bible that speak of children being loved by Jesus...that "the kingdom of God belongs to such as these," etc.  So it seems to make sense to our earthly minds that babies ought to be there, since even though they are born with a sin nature they have not yet had a chance to commit an earthly sin.

But Buzz was puzzled by the idea that he didn't know for sure where his sister would be.

I reminded him that I believe without a doubt that our baby Solveig is there.  And I told him about how God had given me a vision awhile back about Solveig, dancing and playing on the streets of gold.  He smiled as he thought about that, and so did my Bug.  It makes me smile too.

Buzz pondered some things a bit more and then said, "we will have to take a car to Heaven."

I said, "What makes you think that?"

He said, "because I don't wanna have to walk vewy wong!!!" (translation - very long)

Bug replied, "you don't have to walk you silly goose!  Jesus lifts you up!"

This brought joy to my heart and tears to my eyes...the image of Jesus lifting us to Heaven...the image of Him lifting my Solveig to Heaven...

I look forward to that day.  For now, I am here to keep being a mama to my sweet children and a wife to my precious Erik...roles that I love and I'm so grateful to have.

And I'll always be Solveig's mommy...always.

Scrapbooking Sweet Solveig

Scrapbooking is one of my favorite things to do when I have time.  How I wish there was more time to work on scrapbooking!  It's one of those things that I have to create time for in order for it to happen.  So, I'm excited to say that I have a scrapbooking date in the near future with a few friends, including my CM consultant, Pam.  On that date, the plan is that I will come prepared with my Solveig pictures in hand, and I will leave with her scrapbook created in four hours.  I'll be doing a "power layout" plan and it will hopefully help things to go quickly and smoothly.  I'm going to use this book and these papers, in case you're interested.

A few nights ago, I realized in preparation for my scrapbooking date that I needed to get my photos in order and ready to go.  There were none printed, other than my ultrasound pictures, so I set to work going through all the photos which we and the nurses took of our daughter, and the ones that sweet Jen took.  As I looked through the mass of photos which I'm so grateful that we have, I found myself getting really weepy all over again, feeling like it was just yesterday that we had Solveig.  And it was okay.  It was good to see her and to remember her.  It was just hard to pick and choose the photos for ordering as there were many that looked similar.  So I ordered a whole bunch of them, knowing that it would almost be easier to sort through them in hand rather than on the computer.

Last night, I got together with my sweet friend Keri from high school.  She accompanied me on my journey to the photo store to retrieve my photos.  I not only printed ones for the scrapbooking project, but also some for family and for our home.  Keri and I sat at a coffee shop and she graciously looked through all the photos with me.  Only good friends do that kind of thing.  It had to be hard for her to see the pictures.  For me, I'm so used to looking at them that it doesn't really phase me anymore.  But for someone else, I could see how it would be more difficult perhaps to look at the pictures.  Keri said she was glad to look at them with me, and I'm so glad that she did.  Thank you sweet Keri.  You're a keeper.  And I'm glad that I've known you for so long.  Thank you for bravely and gently walking this road with me.

I have a question for those of you who have lost your babies...

Did you display photos of your deceased child in your home for all to see?  Just in your bedroom?  In a back hallway?  Only in a photo album or also in a photo album?  Hidden on a shelf or proudly on your coffee table?

We're trying to figure out how and where we will place our special photos.  They're such amazing treasures...especially the ones from Jen.  And I am not afraid to have a few of them out for others to see.     I realize this may not be socially acceptable in some circles, but I'm okay with it.  Erik and I have yet to figure out what will work for us together in our home.  This isn't something two people get to discuss every day - new territory for us in this grief journey.

I'll be curious to see what you have to say about this.  Thanks for your input.

And I'd love your prayers as I get ready to create my baby's photo album.  I'm sure it may be emotionally difficult.  Yet, I feel very ready to do it now.  Like I said, I'm really used to seeing the photos so it doesn't upset me in the same way as it used to.  More than anything, it just makes me glad to see our family together with our precious daughter whom we will always cherish and love.

This is one of my favorite candids that we took of our kids together.  They were incredibly sweet and gentle with their little sister...

Today I'm linking with Tesha...

Buzz turned FOUR!!!

Our sweet little Buzz turned four on June 22nd!  It's hard to believe just how quickly the time has passed in his life.  He is a busy, happy go lucky kiddo who loves music, playing instruments, running and throwing and kicking balls, playing games, doing puzzles, painting, giggling, jumping on the trampoline, baking and cooking with Mama, riding bikes, blowing bubbles, reading stories and so much more.  We have a great time together and I just love my little snuggly guy so much.  He is such a blessing to us!

We celebrated Buzz' birthday with presents at home, just our family.  I was helping with VBS at our church this past week, and the last day happened to be Buzz' birthday.  Since I was leading preschool music for his class, I led the class in singing happy birthday to him.  I think he loved it!  For dinner, we went to our favorite burger restaurant that has a bird for a symbol...so much fun.  We love being in the birthday club there so that we can get FREE meals!  Then we played together.  Yesterday we went to a Swedish festival at the Gammelgarden Museum nearby.  VERY fun way to spend the day and to continue to celebrate our little guy!  It was such a nice time being together as a family this weekend.

Here are some pictures from Anders' first four years of life!

One of the best days of our lives - June 22, 2008 - Buzz was born!

Buzz & Daddy napping...so cute

Brother Joel and cousins came to visit

Big Sister Bug LOVED being with her new baby brother!

Buzz was such a rail when he was first getting going...he was hospitalized for a few days shortly after birth for an unidentified virus...we thought we were going to lose him, so he is really a miracle to still be alive.

My babies - I love having them in my arms

Bug and Buzz - always love being together

Sweet Daddy and his kiddos

So alert!

I loved this cow outfit. It was so cozy.  And I LOVE that smile!!!

My happy guy - such a smiler!  

Christmas 2008 - 6 months old!

Our little Norwegian dude.

EVERYTHING is STILL a drum to this kid.  He's been pounding on everything since he was  really young!

Baby Dedication Day - June 21, 2009 - one day before his first birthday and also Father's Day!

2 years old!  Thomas the Train birthday cake - my curly top kid

Fall 2010 - 2.5 years old

At our church camp playing wiffle ball!  June 2011 - 3 years old

Mother's Day 2012 - almost four years old - how we've grown!  And still, such love for the big sister.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BUZZ BEAR!!!!!!!!  May you always love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.  And may His blessing be upon your life.

Love always,
Mama & Daddy

Father's Day

This has been a tough but also good weekend.  I didn't expect things to hit so hard this weekend, but I guess they did.  Yesterday I had a good time of cooking and baking all kinds of things.  I find so much joy being in the kitchen, creating food for my family.  After dinner, we made our way to the cemetery.  I hadn't been out there in about a month, since we had brought a desert rose to place at Solveig's grave. The need to be there hasn't been as intense lately...but yesterday I so wanted to go.  So the four of us went out, and the dog even came this time.  We cut some day lilies from our garden and each of us laid a lily by Solveig's grave.  I also placed one at Briana's grave, the sweet baby right next to Solveig.  I find myself wanting to care for the other graves.  There are some that get lots of attention and some that don't.  I swept away some cobwebs on one other baby's grave and spent some time looking at the names and the beautiful flowers that are gracing the cemetery this time of year.  It's quite lovely.  Whenever I'm there, I find myself talking to Solveig a little bit.  I know she's not there, but it feels nice to say something to her.  Usually it's something like this...

"Oh baby girl, how I miss you.  Mommy so wishes you were here right now.  I wish I could hold you again, but I know that Jesus holds you now.  I love you Solveig, and I always will.  I look forward to holding you again one day in Heaven."

After talking to Solveig last night, all the sudden there was a rush of wind in the air around me.  It sort of caught me off guard, and it was wonderful.  I looked up at the heavens and I truly felt the presence of the Holy Spirit in that place.  I know that the Lord was taking that moment to encourage me.  Tears streamed down my face and I smiled with joy, knowing that He was there with me.

It was a snuggle my pink teddy bear in Solveig's blankie kind of night last night.  Much comfort comes to me by way of snuggling that little bear.  Thanks Candy and Missing Grace Foundation for that bear. After having a hard time falling asleep, I asked Erik to pray for me.  Whenever he does that I feel such peace and comfort.  Thank you Erik for praying over me - that means more to me than you may ever know.  I'm so blessed to have you.

Today, we celebrated fathers.  I'm so blessed to have some in my life...my sweet husband, my own dad, my father-in-law, our uncles, my brothers, and some other men who have been like surrogate fathers to me through the years...so blessed.  Thank you sweet guys.

When we were at church this morning, I didn't know that it would be so tough to not have Solveig with us...but just like on the other holidays we've experienced to date, her absence is so profound on holidays...at least to me it is.  Mother's Day was tough, but I didn't realize that I would feel so deeply on Father's Day.  I kept thinking to myself, "I just hurt for my husband...that he didn't get to be a daddy to Solveig on this earth...he's such an amazing daddy and I know that he would've been so good to her and that she would've absolutely adored him!"

When I told this to Erik on the way home from church, he said to me, "she's in much better hands."

As hard as it is to accept that, it's true...and in that moment I could once again see her in the arms of Jesus...where she has been since late February.  She's safe in the arms of Jesus, and nothing can take her away from that protected place. This comment from Solveig's precious daddy caused me to have a flashback to the night that we were in the hospital finding out that Solveig had passed...February 26, 2012.  Right after Dr. M told us the news, Erik said to me, "she's with Jesus now, honey.  She's with Jesus."

I'm so glad that she is safe.  And as much as I want her in my hands, she's definitely in better hands...as her daddy said.

Holding our sweet girl...moments that we will always treasure.  I posted this picture of Erik because it was so touching to me to see him so saddened and tender at the loss of our daughter.  She grabbed hold of his heart in the few moments on earth that he had with her.  Solveig, your Daddy and Mommy loved you so very much.  We always will.

Conversations With Kids

Weeks and days go by now without our kids talking about Solveig.  I'm sure that's a normal and healthy part of moving on in the grief process.  But every now and then the kids will say something about her, or ask a question.  We're more than willing to talk about Solveig, and we don't ever want her life and death to be a taboo subject in our home.  It's fine if they bring it up, or if we occasionally decide to talk about her in front of them.

Today at the table, we were talking with the kids about how we prayed and asked God for them.  Bug then said, "And after Buzzy, we prayed and asked God for another baby, and He gave us Solveig."

Wow...yes.  He did.  He sure did give us Solveig.  And it's so sweet that her big sister still thinks about her.  That warms my heart.

My response to Bug through the tears that started to warm my eyes was, "yes, and even though she is not with us on earth, we will ALWAYS think of her as a gift that God gave to us."

She was such a gift, truly.  I'll always thank Him for her life, albeit such a brief one.  And the fact is, we are so different because of her.  We'll never be the same.  She has changed us.  Or shall I say, God has changed us.  He has changed us through the experience of having her.

There have been so many experiences that we have had following Solveig's short life that we wouldn't have had otherwise which have impacted us greatly.  We have met people that we would have perhaps not encountered in other circumstances.  Our priorities for what is important in this life have changed.  We value our living children that we have with a much deeper intensity.  We value our other human relationships much more.  And our faith in God has grown, as we've experienced His presence with us so closely through this time.

Shortly after we talked about God giving us Solveig, Buzz said, "we can open up that hole and dig up the grave."  Oh...sting to my heart.  Sweet boy...I think he just so wanted to make things better and to help right the wrong that has happened.  My sweet boy wanted to get his sister back.  I had to tell him, "honey, I'm so sorry, but remember that Solveig died.  In the ground is her body, but her spirit left her body when she died.  We believe that her spirit is with Jesus in Heaven."  Big sister piped in and said, "I know that Solveig is playing with Briana in Heaven.  They're probably dancing in the streets of gold!"

I just love it when Bug talks about Solveig in Heaven.  I love the insights of children.  And I love that she remembers Briana too.  Briana is the little girl who is buried next to Solveig, and I've been getting to know her sweet mama H in the last few months.  Our stories are somewhat similar, as Briana was also born still late term.

Here's a picture at the cemetery that we took on Mother's Day.  We still don't have a marker for Solveig, but we hope to get one soon.  For now, we have some flowers and it's nice to have something there.  (Briana's grave is just a few feet to the right of our baby.)

I found the wreath at the craft store and added the pink ribbon - perfect for "craft challenged" me.  (I dubbed myself with that nickname at MOPS one time!  We have some awesome crafty ladies who lead us in fun crafts, but I often have to ask fifty five questions before I figure them out because of my craft challenged self!  Love you crafty friends!  Maybe when I'm in Heaven I won't be so craft challenged. :))

Maybe you can see where it looks like patchy grass underneath the heart wreath - that is the rectangular spot that was dug for our daughter, and just beneath it lies her body.  The sweet guys who tend the cemetery voluntarily planted some grass seed there since we don't have a marker as of yet.

It's hard to get our kids to smile for the camera.  But I loved that they were standing by the grave, and that Bug was trying to fix up the ribbon and make sure it was just so for her baby sister.  They really seem to understand that it is important to their mama to spend time there.

As a family at our baby's grave.  So glad that my parents were there with us to help take that picture.

There are some beautiful trees at the cemetery, and also some lovely little benches to sit on very close to Solveig's spot.  We're looking forward to taking a picnic out there sometime soon and sitting under the pine tree by her grave.

More to the story will come soon.  Thanks for staying tuned.

Our Story - Part Six - Three Month Marker & Funeral Day

I'm linking up with Tesha today.  If you are visiting from Tesha's blog, thanks for stopping by.  You can read more about our Solveig Sofia and her stillbirth by searching "Solveig" in the search box or looking on the blog labels to the right.

Today marks three months since Solveig Sofia was born still into our lives.  Oh how we miss her...

It has been almost three months since we had Solveig's funeral and I'm just now taking the time to write about it.  There have been many days that I have tried to begin writing this part of the story and it just didn't come to fruition.  But I finally felt the strength to write this portion.  This is a long one, but I wanted to capture it for our own memories.

Saturday March 3, 2012

This was the day of Solveig's funeral.  It was hard to sleep the night before, yet we were exhausted and needed as much rest as possible to endure what would be a long day.  My heart was anxious, knowing that what we would face that day would be extremely difficult, yet so important and special.

I remember waking up with such a deep ache that morning, yet some type of supernatural strength which was needed to get through the day ahead.  A funeral is meant to help celebrate a life.  The life we were celebrating was not as full or as long as many others who have funerals, but it was still meant to be celebrated.  For to not celebrate the life of our daughter would have been in our minds such a shame.  She was worth celebrating...every ounce of her 3 lb. 11 oz. body and beauty was worth more than gold or silver or all the riches of this world.  Solveig was alive and well in my body for 33.5 weeks before that cord of hers tightened for the last time.  And those 33.5 weeks are worth celebrating.  It's worth celebrating the life that the Lord gave to us for such a short but blessed time.

But having a baby who never saw the light of day and preparing and hosting her funeral is perhaps one of the hardest things that we humans may have to face here on this earth.  That being said, we wouldn't have done it any other way.  Many say that this type of grief is often held so privately and many choose to forgo a funeral for a baby, or some would choose to have a smaller ceremony just for family.  If you know me and Erik at all, you know that we love to be with people and we've been blessed with some incredible people.  We wanted so much to be able to share our daughter with our people and to make the celebration of her life a communal one, with our church body, family and friends.  And I know that I couldn't do this journey on my own.  Some are more private in their grief, and I respect that.  But I just operate differently and feel that I would shrivel up and die if I didn't reach out and talk to people about this loss.  It really helps me to talk with others, have hugs from friends and family and hear the name of my Solveig spoken and honored.  So, that is one of the reasons we had a funeral.

Back to that...

We got ready at home.  Erik and I went shopping the day before the funeral for a suit since he hadn't gotten one for something like fifteen years.  I had a long, black velvet dress from my performing wardrobe  that actually fit my postpartum body and hid some of my baby rolls, so that was perfect.  Bug and Buzz had dress clothes that they had used previously so we didn't have to shop again for them.

After we were all dressed up, we headed in to church.  I felt so anxious on the drive there, but I knew that I had to do this and that God would somehow get me through.  Erik and I prayed on the way there, asking God for peace and strength to get through that day.  And He did.  Did He ever.  There is no way that we could have gotten through that day, were it not for the prayers of countless friends and family members.

When we walked into the church, I was on a mission to get everything in its place in the short amount of time that we would have before the visitation.  I'm glad I had some type of focus, although I must say my mind felt like mush for a lot of the time.  Our funeral director Dan helped to organize a table in the foyer of the church where we would do our visitation.  On that table was a beautiful quilt that my friend Kelly made for us (I'll post a picture sometime soon), and on top of the quilt was to be laid Solveig's casket.  Also on the table was this picture, taken by our NILMDTS photographer, Jen.

Although it is in black and white on the blog, Jen also touched it up and did one with color for us to keep on a canvas.  It's beautiful.  And we have it sitting on our dresser in our bedroom.  I love it and it is such a sweet memory of our baby.

Next to the table was a beautiful flower arrangement that we had chosen for our baby.  It wasn't your typical funeral flower arrangement.  I didn't really feel the need to get a banner that said "daughter" or anything like that.  I wish I had a picture of that arrangement, but I don't.  We didn't take any pictures at the funeral or burial, and I will always wish that we had.  But I'm going to see if I can get a picture of what the flowers looked like.  They were in a cross formation, and I think they were white and light pink.  I cannot even remember now.  But I just remember that when we were flipping through the floral book at the funeral home, I saw that cross and knew that it was the one for our baby.  It was yet another reminder of Christ's death on the cross that made it possible for our baby to be in Heaven upon her departure from Earth.  And a reminder to us that we will be with her there again one day, because of the cross...because we believe that Christ gave us salvation by faith in Him through that cross.

Before the visitation, we had planned to see Solveig again in her casket in a different room...just us.  My mom was able to see her again too.  I wanted to have every opportunity possible to see my baby's body, even though she was visibly changing ever more each day that she was gone.  I didn't care.  She was still my baby, and she was so beautiful.  It just helped me to see her again.  Her little pink cherub casket was so pretty, and she was wrapped so beautifully in her delicate white pointelle cotton outfit and soft white blanket.

After we had a little bit of time with Solveig, the funeral director closed her casket and brought it out to the table in the foyer.  We didn't have an open casket because we didn't have Solveig embalmed and the sight of her purple body probably would have been too difficult a sight for most to endure.  We didn't feel the need for them to see her actual body.  But having her casket on the table was good, and having her picture next to it was helpful.

Having grown up with my dad working in the funeral business, I developed an understanding that the open casket funeral/visitation is very important.  If at all possible, it is good for people to see the body so that they can truly reconcile the death of the individual.  But since our little one was so tiny, it would've probably been quite difficult to embalm her and we just didn't feel the need.  If she was older and it would've been possible, we may have opted for embalming.  The most important thing for us was that our little family and some of our extended family got to see Solveig.

It wasn't long after everything was set up in the lobby that we had to take our places and begin receiving our guests.  Thankfully the funeral home had a high stool with a back that they brought along for me so that I could sit down the whole time during the receiving line.  Remember, I had just given birth three days prior and my body could not possibly stand for very long.  My friend Alisha was my "bouncer" that day.  Thanks, dear Alisha.  She had the assignment of letting people know to not hug me too hard.  My milk had just come in the day before and I was in excruciating pain from that situation.  So, Alisha went through the line and said, "Melody is just taking half hugs today since she is still recovering."  Perfect.  It worked so well.  And medication and distraction helped to mask some of the pain.

Seeing so many people line up to greet us and having the chance to talk with them was really a blessing.  Again, I have no idea how we did it that day, talking to so many, but for the grace of God.  The love and support that was poured out to us and physically present in that church was immense and comforting.  Thank you to all who came that day to support us.  You have no idea just how much that meant to us to have you there.  And to those who were not able to make it but wanted to, please know that we understand and we appreciate your thoughts and prayers over us in your absence.

When it was almost time to start the service, we were ushered away for a time of prayer with the pastors and the family in a different room.  A few minutes later, we lined up to start our procession into the sanctuary.  My sweet friend Charles, a phenomenal concert pianist, was playing lullabies on the piano for the prelude.  I had asked him to play the Brahms Lullaby as the last piece, for us as the family to enter and process down to our seats.  Erik carried Solveig's tiny, pink casket in his arms and I walked just behind him holding the kids' hands.  We had to deliver the body of our daughter to the front of the sanctuary and place her casket on the communion table.  But for us, it felt so much more like we were placing her on an altar before the Lord, as a sacrifice unto Him.  We know that He gave the sacrifice of His son on our behalf and we no therefore no longer are called to physically offer such sacrifices on our own, but the symbolism of Solveig being laid on the altar was too obvious to not notice.

Less than eight years prior, Erik and I had walked down that aisle of our church sanctuary together after saying our marriage vows.  Now, here we were walking down the aisle with one of our precious babies in a casket and two of our other babies walking with us.  It was so surreal, and yet so entirely real and hard to grasp.

The service was so beautiful.  All week from the moment that we found out Solveig was gone until the day before the service, we were planning the music, readings, musicians, other participants, and so much more.  There are a zillion and one details in planning a service, and especially the funeral service of our daughter. Thankfully I have had some practice planning worship services for our church, and that helped so much.  Occasionally I have been able to fill in for our worship pastor when she has been busy or out of town.  I'm so glad for that rehearsal of planning a service.

We prayed and prayed all week that God would be glorified that day in that church, and that Solveig's life would be honored.  I really believe He carried out that service through the vessels who were participating in it that day...our musician friends who were fabulous - Gwen, Jason and Ricky who helped led worship, Cindy who sang a solo, Evangelion Chorale who sang one piece and Dennis for helping lead the choir...then Heidi, Janet and Natalie - all mamas who had stillbirths - they read scripture, and their presence on that platform was for me so powerful...and our pastors Rich and Sid for leading the service and speaking...it was a rock star team of people and we're so incredibly grateful for your leadership.  Thank you so very much.  We were able to worship that day in the service, and I'm so glad that God allowed us to have that experience.

Perhaps the most powerful portion of the service for me and for many others was my Erik and his gift of sharing his heart through words.  He really does have a gift and it was incredibly evident that day.  Sometime I would like to share with you what he said that day and write it on the blog.  I'll try to do that soon.  It meant so much to me that he got up and spoke at Solveig's funeral.  I didn't know if he could do it, but he felt that he had some things he wanted to say.  Thank you Erik for doing that for our daughter, and for the rest of us.

At the end of the service, after we finished singing "Jesus Loves Me" as a congregation, the four of us (Erik and I and our two kids on earth) went up to the front to snuff out Solveig's candle.  We had placed five candles on the front table with her casket.  Hers was in the middle and it was a deep pink.  Next to it on either side were placed two other candles...two short ones for our kids and two tall ones for us.  My friend Karleen said that when we snuffed out that candle and the smoke rose up, it was such a symbolic moment of visualizing Solveig's spirit rising up to meet Jesus.  I thought the same thing.  It was a touching thing for us as well.

We walked out and went to a very nice reception there at the church with many of our guests.  It was good to see more people and to share in a meal together.  Since we weren't able to host our friends for our daughter's wedding one day, we were glad to be able to share with them in her funeral luncheon.  It may be sad for us, but it was joyous for her...since she was already dancing in Heaven.

Her funeral day was challenging, yes, but again I will say that I'm so grateful we chose to honor our daughter that way.  It was for us such a healing thing to do, and for us it was the right thing to do.  I'm so glad that we were able to have a funeral.

Thank you to all who helped make it possible.  We're forever grateful.

And I encourage you dear readers...if you lose a loved one, whether young or old, having a funeral is such a beautiful way to honor the life of your loved one.  There are resources to help in planning such an event, and people who know how to do it.  I hope to write more about this in the future as I have some passion for it.  Anything you can do to help honor the life of your loved one will help you in your grief process.  And even though it may be hard at the time, you will always be glad that you made the effort and took the time to honor your loved one.

God be with you all.  And thank you for your continued prayers over us.  The road is long, but God is ever present and has not left us.  We still believe.

Bug and Buzz

One of my classmates from college asked why I call my kids "Bug" and "Buzz" on the blog.  (Hello, "anonymous" classmate. :))  Well, the main reason is that I'm trying to protect their identity in the blog world as there are some cuckoo types out there who might do strange things if they knew my children's names...and this blog can be found out in cyberspace.  Bug and Buzz are the nicknames that our kids have taken on since they were just babies, and we actually call them that a lot of the time in our lives!  

Our daughter "Bug" was so tiny when she was a baby, and I think we just gave her that name because of how small she was...like a bug.  I think it's cute!  Then when Buzz was just a few months old, I asked Bug if Buzz was her buddy, and she said, "No, he's just my Buzz!"  So that's where that name came from - our then two year old.  Very funny.  And honestly, the nickname suits his funny personality quite well.  

There you have it - Bug and Buzz!  They and their daddy are some of my favorite people in the whole wide world, and I love sharing life with them.

Summer 2011 - Buzz Age 3

Bug and her Daddy Erik, Summer 2011 - Bug Age 5

Mother's Day

I'm linking up with Tesha today.  If you're new, please go over to the sidebar and click on my recent posts or on the labels for stillbirth or Solveig if you want to read more about our sweet girl.  She was born still on 2/29/12 at 33.5 weeks gestation, 3 lbs. 11 oz and 18 in. long.  I still need to get some tabs or something at the top of my blog page for different subjects but don't know how to do it.  If you know how, would you please leave me a message?  Thank you so much.

Mothers' Day was two days ago.  It was such a bittersweet day for me.  Sweet because I have two wonderful, adorable kids here on this earth...and bittersweet because I have three babies in Heaven waiting for me.  I wish I could have hugged those three and had them with us for Mother's Day.  I really miss my Solveig as she was the one that I held here on this earth...the one that I carried for 33.5 weeks until learning that she had died prematurely inside of me due to the umbilical cord wrapped around her and a knot in the cord.

One of my sweet friends named Mo prayed over mothers in our Sunday school class on Mother's Day.  She prayed for those of us who have lost babies or who have struggled with infertility or other issues.  She has such a kind, loving heart that seems to have more room than the average heart...and I admire her so very much.  Thank you Mo for your sensitivity to me during this time.  You're a beautiful woman of God and I appreciate you.

In all honesty, it was painful to be at church on Sunday without my littlest, newest baby in my arms.  I felt such a deep emptiness with her missing and yet such a fullness and appreciation for my two living children.  At times I think, "who am I to complain about not having my babies here?  For with me are two of the most beautiful creations I could ever imagine, and I'm incredibly grateful for them."  My gratitude for my little ones is not diminished by my grief, but my grief and loss is ever present and it is not just going to go away today or tomorrow or in another month or year.  I imagine I will feel this pain for a long time.  But I will also find joy amidst the pain, because He does that for me...the Lord also gives me joy.

As I stood in the back of the sanctuary praising God through some of my very favorite worship songs that Sunday, I was so moved by the music and definitely felt the presence of the Holy Spirit.  Thank you Jon and Karla for leading in that time of worship.  After the songs finished, the reality of it being child dedication Sunday hit really hard.  Several sweet families got up to bring their children before the church and before the Lord, to dedicate them to Him.  I love these types of services, usually.  But this time, it was different.  I felt so bad, but I had to leave.  We were going to leave anyway after the worship songs as we had to get home to prepare for company.  But I had to leave because it was hard to think about the fact that we weren't going to be dedicating our baby to the Lord that day, or any other day to come in the future.  In fact, we already did dedicate our baby to the Lord.  We gave her back to Him the moment that we knew she had left my body.  I'll never forget my sweet Erik and what he said the moment Dr. M left the room following the news that our baby had died inside of me.  Through tears and with his steady voice he said, "She's with Jesus now, Honey.  She's with Jesus."  We surrendered her back to Him the day we brought her to her grave and buried her...and we continue to surrender her whenever we think about wanting her back...so, in other words, for me that is every minute of every day right now.  I think about having her back and wanting her present with us all the time, but the intensity of it isn't quite as much as it used to be.  But whenever I sit around wondering why she isn't with us, I have to remember that we surrendered her...

we surrendered her...

and she is not in her grave...

she is with Him...

So this year around Mother's Day, I am thankful that I knew my precious Solveig in my womb for 33.5 weeks...and actually had her there for 34 weeks.  I'm thankful that He has given me a wonderful husband to be the greatest daddy in the world to our Bug and Buzz.  I'm thankful for my mother-in-law and how she raised my husband to be a wonderful human being, and for the love she has bestowed upon our family. I'm thankful that I get to be the mama for Bug and Buzz...they are some of the richest blessings I've ever known.  I'm thankful that God has given me a great mom who has been so present in my world and has loved me through thick and thin, and has modeled for me how to be a woman of deep faith in God.  And I'm thankful also for my aunties who have been like moms to me and my brothers and grandmas for our kids.  I'm thankful for all the women in my life who have shown me friendship, grace, strength and love...there are some of you who are like mamas to me and I appreciate you and love you so.  And I'm thankful for the friends who have stood by my side, especially through this journey of grief.  You  are such special gifts to me.

May the Lord give all you women out there a special hug of grace today.  May He surround you with His love, whatever journey you are on.

And know that I'd give you a hug too if I could.  Bless you, dear ones.