Tomorrow is Solveig's due date. A few weeks back I didn't realize just how hard this approaching date would be for me. Bug and Buzz didn't come on or near their due dates, but rather a few weeks prior...so I've never had a baby who made it all the way to the due date. But just the fact that it still exists in my mind and on the paper in my calendar is enough for me now be challenged by the fact that it is there.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
When we figured out that Solveig was due the day after Easter, it seemed like no small coincidence that God had chosen to show us a bit of life through her little life, so close to the celebration of Jesus' death and resurrection. For you see, we had already experienced death two times with our little miscarried babies...who will be receiving names VERY soon...because now I cannot stop thinking about them. We felt like He was showing us new life through Solveig, and reminding us of the new life we gain through Christ when we accept that He is our Savior and Lord and has cleansed us of sin through His death on the cross...a death that was well documented in history.
Some may think that because Solveig died there would be no way that we could continue to believe in His life and resurrection. That perhaps we would choose to deny that such a thing could've happened, because now our precious baby has died and it not with us...and that is not right, in our earthly mind and perspective. It just isn't. We miss her terribly. There is a definite gap in our family. But He is still who He says He is. He still died on the cross for my sins. And He still showed us new life through our daughter. She lived in me!!! She was FULLY alive in me from the moment she was conceived! I saw her on the ultrasound monitor from her early gestational age of 8 weeks, again at 18 weeks, and again MANY other times after that up until the week she passed in my womb at 33.5 weeks gestation. She had LIFE in me! And I thank God for the life that she did have. I thank Him that I could experience her moving in me. I thank Him for blessing me with that incredible gift. Having Solveig living in me was such a reminder to me of the Lord's love for me...that He would allow this little one to be in there, even for a few short months. May I NEVER forget that blessing, even in the pain of my loss.
So tomorrow, as we think of Solveig and remember her on the day in which she should've been here with us or close to being here with us, I need to remember that she WAS with us...and that she WILL be with us again in Heaven one day. Tonight as I walked the dog under the starry, clear sky, I felt like God was showing me a tiny glimpse of my daughter in the stars. I felt like maybe, just maybe she is looking down from Heaven seeing us here on this Earth. And that brought comfort. And as I continued to peer at the night sky, I noticed a string of three tiny stars in a straight line. I'm sure they were part of some particular constellation, but not being very knowledgeable in astr_onomy I don't know which one it might have been. But for me, in that moment, I felt like it was a special reminder of my THREE little ones who are in Heaven. The other two babies who were miscarried so early in their pregnancies also carried weight in this world. I won't forget them either.
Thank you Lord for reminding me of your presence today. And thank you for the resurrection in which I place my hope and trust. That is how I get through each day.
He is risen. He is risen indeed. Hallelujah!