Her First Real Birthday - Four Years Later

Once again, I find myself not having blogged in a year.  But I'm alright with it.  This has been a good year and one full of lots of life.  So for that, I am thankful.  Because it was Solveig's birthday yesterday and the thoughts are floating around in my mind I decided it was time to write tonight.

It was her first real birthday, on the 29th of February.  But it was really her fourth birthday in Heaven.  Many people have asked us how it felt to celebrate her birthday, and specifically how it felt to celebrate her birthday on the actual day of the 29th.  I guess it didn't feel all that different.  But it was quite special all the same.  The thing that felt the most odd was not really celebrating on the 28th.  That is the day we typically have celebrated over the past three years.

For her day we have usually gone to the local museum for kids, but since the 29th was a Monday we were out of luck there.  So this year we did something different and went to the bigger of our two zoos.  We wore our special shirts that I made for a special walk run that we do every year in honor of babies who have died and gone before us.  It was fun to be doing something that all three kids could enjoy so much.  Our little Squeaker is at such a fun age for things like this and he was really thrilled to see the animals.  At first he was so scared of the animals, but then he got used to the idea of looking at them and he didn't want to leave by the end.  One of my favorite things to see were two of the beautiful leopards that were snuggling and resting in the sun on what was a very cold day.  And nobody else was around since this exhibit was outside.  Leave it to us to be the brave ones in the cold.  It was really fun to get up so close to the leopards and to lock eyes with them.  They are stunning.  We also loved seeing the penguins!  All three kids climbed up on top of the rock structure next to the penguin tank.  And we got to watch the monk seal show.  That was fun.  When we were in Hawaii with Bug almost 9 years ago, we had the opportunity to see some monk seals who were up on the beach.  They were protected by some local volunteers.  It was awesome.  We had our homemade lunch at the zoo as well before it was time to head home.

After the zoo, it was normal life for awhile.  That meant a screaming two year old who was ready for his nap, and two big kids who had fun watching one of their favorite things - all about wars and stars.  And during nap time, I went out to the dollar store to get party supplies for our little family dinner at home.  I got some balloons for us to release at the cemetery, and decided that we should also get some to keep at home.  Knowing how the young one would potentially react when he had to release his balloon, I figured it might be nice to have a backup waiting at home.  All the balloons were pink for the release time.  And the ones for home were pink, purple and white.  Honestly, I was so relieved that nobody at either of those stores asked me what I was celebrating.  That has happened before, and it's a little hard to explain.  (Of course I would have been fine explaining it if I had been questioned.  But it was just nice to not have to talk about it with random strangers just this once.)  This is one day when I kind of like to be incognito and wish to not run into anyone that I know.  Sometimes it happens, and that's fine.  But I prefer to be sort of quiet and with my family on this day.  I also stopped to get some lovely pink roses at another store.

While I was gone, my dear guy made some gluten free cupcakes as I am now gluten free.  After our little dude woke from his nap, we ventured out to the cemetery.  We explained to our little one that we would be going to his sister Solveig's grave, that her body was in the ground but her spirit was in Heaven with Jesus.  It's a tough concept for anyone, but maybe especially for a young mind.  (We've been there with him before, but it has been awhile and I wanted to make sure to explain it again.)  We told him that we would be releasing some balloons for her birthday and that we couldn't keep those ones.  And we told him we would put pretty roses at her grave.  When we got there, I told him that he could touch her hand and footprints.  I have been looking forward to him being old enough to do this by himself.  This was the first time that he was able to do so.  It was so sweet.

When it was time to release our balloons, they were so tightly tied together.  Maybe that is symbolic of our family...tightly woven.  We had to cut the strings short.  Each of us took one and let it go to the sky.  The balloons all freely went up this time!  In past years, they have blown to the side or gotten stuck in the tree.  And because it was cloudy and not very windy, we were able to watch them soar SO high.  It was magnificent, and we all took it in for quite some time.  Little Squeaker probably soaked it up for the longest time and he didn't want to leave.  Of course I know that the balloons cannot fly to Heaven, but I like to imagine that they were on their way to Solveig, and that maybe she got to catch them when they got there.

Daddy went out to get us some take out cuisine and I attempted to make some homemade GF cream cheese wontons.  They were yummy, so I thought.  But nobody else cared for them.  It was so nice though to eat a meal together on a table all decorated for our sweet girl.  Pale pink and roses...those remind me of her.  And that's what I used to create our table.

After dinner we decorated cupcakes with homemade pink frosting and fun candies from the dollar store.  That was a fun way to honor our baby.  And we sang happy birthday to her.

It was simple.  And it was sweet.  That's how we like it.

Thanks for all of the love and prayers.  Thank you to the people who remembered about Solveig's birthday and reached out to us.  It means more than you know that you choose to do that.  One of the things I struggle with is worrying that people will forget about her.  I think just about any parent who has lost a child will tell you the same thing.  So knowing that she is not forgotten by others means so much to us.

We know God is with us.  He has been good to us and has brought redemption from the dark places.  He has strengthened us and given us hope in Him.  We choose to hope in Him...even on the hard days.  And yes, there are still hard days...four years later.  I will say that they seem to be fewer and further between.  But sometimes those hard moments or hard days will still catch me by surprise.

Celebrating Solveig's life is a good choice for our family.  I'm so glad that we are able to do that together.  I'm grateful that we have chosen to remember her and to honor her life.

Happy birthday Solveig Sofia, my beautiful girl!  I can't wait to see you dancing in Heaven one day!  And I can't wait to hold you in my arms again.  I love you so much!

Solveig's Birthday - 2 years

This is long…just so you know.

Numb.  I am numb right now as I begin typing this post.  And yet I feel the need to write, so here I go.

For many days and weeks leading up to Solveig's birthday, I had a lot of great moments.  I was really feeling good about things and only periodically did I have a meltdown.  But yesterday and today I had some really difficult moments.

Yesterday was February 28th.  We have decided that we will choose to celebrate Solveig's birthday on the 28th, since her birthday landed so interestingly on the 29th.  There are a lot of times that it bothers me that we don't get to have her birthday on the actual date.  But it's okay.  Really, that shouldn't matter so much.  I think that maybe one reason why I wish we could have the 29th of February every year is that for me it would just validate Solveig's life all the more, in my mind.  But she was valid.  Indeed.  She did exist.  And I believe that she still exists in Heaven.  Her spirit is there.  So whether or not her birthdate on earth is available to us on paper each year, we can still honor her life.

For Solveig's birthday, we ended up doing pretty much a repeat of last year's festivities.  We allowed our kids to skip school because this is important to us.  And we took them to the local kids museum where they had a wonderful time playing and imagining all sorts of adventures.  Mr. Squeaker finally fell asleep in his stroller and took a brief nap, which allowed him to be somewhat human for the rest of our time at the museum.  I think he didn't want to miss out on all the fun though.  It was nice to have him along with us this year, outside of my womb, alive and well.  Just another healing mark on the journey.

Spending quality fun time with our Bug and Buzz was so important to me and to Erik.  It felt so healthy to be laughing and enjoying them.  We played together, and I felt so free.  At home it's so easy to get into our routines…go, go, go all day long…and I truly feel like we don't take enough time to just stop and play with our kids.  So it felt like such a gift to have that time at the museum with them.

One interesting thing that happened while we were at the museum was that our kids were playing in this mock river dam setup.  There were about 5 plastic water creature toys to about 20 grappling children.  Perhaps some of the regular toys that live in that river had been stashed in a nearby hole or something, but it was kind of interesting to see the kids trying to negotiate who would get what toy or if they'd get one at all.  My sweet boy was playing with a little red lobster toy when all of the sudden, a younger, bossier little blonde girl from a preschool group came rushing up and grabbed the lobster hastily out of Buzzy's hands.  He just stood there in shock and awe and didn't know what to do or how to respond.  I so wanted to grab it back for him, but of course that wouldn't be helpful now, would it?  After watching that child not only take the toy but also claim one of the other five available toys per 20 kid capita, I politely said to her, "would you mind please sharing one of those toys since you have two?"  She just stared at me and made some little annoyed sound and rushed off to something else.  I think she was about four.  Anyway, Buzz was so sad.  I told him that he handled the situation politely by not grabbing it back from her.  But that he could also choose to say something along the lines of, "it isn't polite to steal a toy from someone.  Next time you could ask, 'please may I have that toy?'  Poor kid…guess we need to work on healthy confrontational skills some more…but his peacemaker ways are very sweet too. I did end up writing a comment on the comment cards asking if they could perhaps add a few more toys to the river dam…

Alas…I digress.

After thoroughly enjoying the museum and capping off our visit with some face painting where Buzz decided to paint his face entirely green to look like an alien and Bug decided to paint hers like a tropical bird, we headed off to a nearby restaurant for some delicious eats.  It was then home to nap the little Squeaker and exhausted parents, and then rev up for another part of the day.

Daddy went out and bought some light pink balloons and some light pink roses.  We went to our cemetery after nap time.  And in very cold weather, perhaps 5 degrees Fahrenheit, we climbed over the deep snow to Solveig's grave with Baby wrapped up in his warm bundle and blankets over his head and around his body.  When Daddy had the camera tripod all set for a few pics, we quickly unveiled our Squeaker's blanket shrouded head and took several pictures of us standing by the stone as a family. Then it was time for laying the roses by her stone and also releasing the balloons.  This year, the balloons were able to gracefully fly into the sky.  But just like last year, one balloon somehow got a little bit stuck and did its own thing!  That to me was so symbolic of Solveig, going on her way to Heaven separate from us.  It made us giggle a little bit.

Buzz said, "I hope the balloons make it all the way to Heaven!"

I cried and said, "Me too Buddy!  Me too."

We finished our little ceremonial time and headed back home to make dinner out of leftovers.  Wow, my creative juices were shot I guess.  I had great intentions of making a special dinner, but that wasn't meant to be.  However, I did make up some homemade vanilla cupcakes the night before and had them frozen so they would be easy to frost.  The kids helped me to make some light pink frosting.  And I sat and decorated cupcakes with them.  Buzz wanted just gobs of frosting and no sprinkles on his.  And Bug spent a lot of time adding TONS of sprinkles on hers!  Again, it felt so good to just do something fun with them.  The kids sang several different renditions of Happy Birthday.

Today, March 1st, we had a birthday breakfast of homemade crepes with fruit, whipped cream and maple syrup.  It was my first time making crepes, so lets just say that there were a LOT of flopped pancakes.  But they still tasted delicious.  After kind of a slow day, I ended up going out for some big box store therapy grocery shopping.  It felt good to get out of the house.  And then after supper tonight we had a chance to do some more reminiscing with our kids.

We got out our pale pink scrapbook with Solveig's photos and big purple storage bin that has Solveig's things in it…her white blanket and pink bear that I basically lived with until after Squeaker was born over a year later, the hundreds of sympathy cards that loving people sent to us (I read about half of them again tonight and wept…thank you, friends), the candles that were used at her funeral that I cannot bear to part with or use yet, the outfits that friends and family gave to us in preparation for our daughter that I still cannot get rid of and I think I may always keep, the mini strawberry dress that matched big sister Bug's strawberry dress…purchased just a week before Solveig died inside of me, the box that was given to us at the hospital in loving memory of a little boy named Colton, (the inspiration for me taking on the box project that his parents used to be a part of), her footprints and handprints…so delicate and tiny, her dark brown hair clippings inside the Tress Press…the same dark hair as her sister Bug and brother Squeaker…it was really good but really hard to look at these things.

Part way through going over the memory items, my sweet seven year old Bug said, "Mom, I can tell that you are getting really teary.  Perhaps this has been enough for one day."  Bless her heart.

I said, "Honey, it's okay that I'm crying.  It's okay to be sad about this and to look at Solveig's things.  But thank you so much for being sensitive and for caring so much about your mama."

Then Buzz said as he was looking at the photos of Solveig, "I miss Solveig so much.  I can't wait to see her again."

I said, "I know, Honey.  We all feel the same way."

My sweet husband was soaking in all of the mementos.  He was looking at it all and holding back the tears in his eyes.  What especially caught him tonight were the photos of him holding Solveig and weeping when we were holding her and bathing her.  Those are some of my favorites…they are so tender and show his depth and love for his daughter.  As he said last year when we visited her hospital room, "It just makes me sad to think about the life that could have been."

Yes, it makes me sad too.  Sometimes it really makes me very sad.

And other days I truly don't feel sad about it like I used to.  I think it is perfectly healthy and good and normal that we dug out all of her things and went through it today…that we spent time thinking about her and talking about her as a family…that we will always remember her out loud…because I don't want our family to ever forget her.  She meant something to us and always will.  She was born.  She was still.  But she was born.

Having our sweet Solveig has changed my life forever.  I feel things more deeply now than I think I could before.  I see other people hurting in a different way than before.  I feel more aware of a lot of things that I think matter in this world.  And I wish that I could help everyone who is in pain.  The reality of course it that I can't do that because I'm just one person.  But I do care.  And I can pray.  I can pray for people…that is something that I can do.  I so long to help other people who are going through the loss of their child, and I am thankful to be able to do some of this.

Thank you for caring about me…about our family…for remembering our daughter with us.  We all miss her very much.  It isn't just me.  We all grieve differently, and that is alright.  But we are learning to process our grief alone and together.  It is still a process.  And I believe it will go on for the rest of our lives, and that is alright.  It is okay to grieve.  And it is healthy to grieve.

And in grieving fully, I believe we are able to more better move forward in our lives.  I truly feel like I am able to "do life" better now than I could two years ago, or one year ago, or even six months ago.  Each day brings new strength that only comes from God.  I could not go on without His love for me.

Blessings and peace, friends.

Thanks Heather Hanson for capturing this photo of my Solveig bear from the Missing Grace Foundation with the kids a few months after we lost her...

I cherish these family photos that we had taken that day.  Thank you Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and Jen Kelly.

Solveig's Birthday - One Year Later

Since Solveig Sofia was born on February 29th, the day that doesn't exist except for every four years, we decided that we would honor her life on the 28th unless it is a leap year.  Today was that day. It is hard to believe that it has already been one year since our precious angel was born into Heaven.  Some of the days we have endured in this year have seemed so long.  There were days I just wanted to crawl into a hole and not come out for a very long time.  And other days, particularly as we moved further into the year, I was truly able to find enjoyment and peace.  Overall there has been a sense of peace.  I really have felt God's presence with me and with us even in those darkest moments.  That is something that I am so grateful for, and something of which I never desire to let go.

So today, the big one year anniversary of our baby's birth and death, we decided to do some really special things together as a family.  Our hope was originally that Erik and I would be able to go to the hospital to the room where we delivered Solveig.  There is a need for me especially to make peace with that sacred space, listen to music that we heard during the delivery and afterwards, and just reminisce about our daughter in the place where we first met her...and where we spent the most time with her.  Unfortunately for us, the room that we used has been occupied today.  So we will hope to go there sometime in the next week if it works out.

Since our hospital date didn't work out, we slightly altered some of our plans.  We took the kids to our wonderful museum for young ones where we made homemade paper, worked on an assembly line, delivered mail, and swung through the jungle and went to the moon with the cartoon characters who speak Sp_anish.  It really was fun to do something joyful that Solveig would've also enjoyed if she had been with us.  After playing hard for a few hours, we made our way to an As_ian restaurant for stir fried goodness.  Then it was onto the grocery store to get some pink roses, or in this case today pink tipped white roses as that was all they had.  And we picked up six pink balloons from the party store.

We made our way to the cemetery in the country where the snow was covering the ground in a white blanket, just as it was almost a year ago when we first buried our little girl.  I noticed as we drove up that there was already a freshly laid flower at the grave and I was so curious about it.  With roses in tow, we walked to the grave where we found that beautiful pink rose and a note from my sweet friend Natalie and her family.  What a blessing to have friends and family who have been there for us through this journey and who have been remembering us with calls, flowers, cards, emails, etc.  We are so grateful.  Thank you dear Natalie.  And thank you to the many others who have shown us your love.

We took turns laying our roses at the grave.  For some reason, the kids decided it would be cool to place each of their flowers on top of the headstone rather than by the ground.  Then we got out our six light pink balloons, just like the ones we had last year when we buried Solveig.  (Six balloons were for the four kids, including this little one inside of me, and us two parents.  I didn't intentionally leave out our two miscarried babies - and now that I think of it, I wish I had gotten two more balloons.) We decided to release the balloons together as a group, but didn't think about the fact that the ribbons were sort of stuck together.  What ensued brought great laughter as our balloons flew up in the wind and got lodged into a nearby tree where one quickly popped.  We decided that the one that popped must have been Solveig's balloon, and that maybe she was kind of laughing at us!  Erik said that she might have been thinking, "hey guys, I beat you!  I got here first!"  Shortly after that balloon popped, one of the remaining five balloons let loose and flew into the sky.  That made me think of her spirit flying to Heaven.  We reminded the kids that the reason we did the balloon release and visited the cemetery was so that they could remember that our bodies are not meant for this earth, and that we will all die someday and we do not need to fear death.  We told them again that we have hope in the resurrection of Jesus - hope in Heaven where we can also look forward to being reunited with Solveig and our two miscarried babies.

After Erik and I hugged and we were chilled enough from the brisk air, we left the cemetery and headed with Bailey dog to the dog park.  It was fun to take a loop around the park with the kids and to see Bailey enjoying herself with the small pack that was there.  We promised the kids that there was something "chaud" for them after the dog park.  They didn't know that word in Fre_nch yet, but kept trying to figure it out.  Once we got home, we made some hot cocoa (our something chaud - "hot") and warmed up a bit.

After a rest, I made some almond buttercream frosting for the vanilla cake I baked yesterday and set out decorating the cake.  I just wanted it to be simple and had bought some raspberries to place around it.  I found some candy decors that I could use to write Solveig's name and placed one little pink candle on top.  We decorated the table with a simple pink tablecloth and some girly butterfly plates and napkins.  And then the feast began...hot dogs, baked beans and salad.  We just wanted to have something simple, and the beans and hot dogs we felt would've been enjoyed by a one year old.

When it was time to sing and have cake, I was videotaping and could barely choke out half of the words for the birthday song.  It struck me again that the baby we were singing to was not physically with us.  But you know what else struck me today?  Her birthday in Heaven must be much greater than any birthday could ever be here on earth.  I can hardly wait to join her there to celebrate more birthdays.

For now, we will continue to honor our daughter and celebrate her short yet valuable life here on this earth.

Solveig Sofia, I love you sweet girl.  Your mama misses you so much.  I wish I could hug and kiss you and feed you your birthday cake...and sing songs to you and rock you and lay you down in your crib to sleep.  We will never forget you.  Your life mattered and always will.

Sweet Children...

We just took a little adventure to a feed and farm store to pick up straw for our garden to use as a weed preventative.  I wish I had thought of this much sooner in the season!  Sweet Erik has helped me with the weeding - he's a rockstar in my book.

On our way home from picking up the straw, I thought we should stop at the cemetery for a few minutes.

As we were standing by the grave, Buzz said, "did you ever see her again Mommy?"

I replied, "well, no honey, because she died.  Her body is no longer with us on earth, remember?"

He said, "Oh."

I could've gone on to remind him of how we will see her again in Heaven...that God gave me that lovely picture in a vision of seeing her playing and dancing...but I think he didn't need that explanation today.  And I just wasn't on the top of my game to remember to say it.  I wish I could see her again here.  I sure would love that, but it is not to be.

How we look forward to our reunion.

Meanwhile, there is gardening to be done, clothes to be washed on this lovely warm and bright sunny day, children to laugh and play with and an oven pancake to make for dinner in a few hours...

Thank you Lord, for this wonderful gift of life you have bestowed upon me...these beautiful children who are here...my special husband who is such a gem of a man...we are blessed beyond measure...may we remember that always, even in the midst of the grief journey.

**And thank you, all of you who responded and wrote such kind, encouraging words.  You blessed me so much with that.  And I so appreciate you and your prayers for our family.  Thank you.**

Below are some pictures of Erik with the kids on one of their recent sailing adventures.  Thanks to Grandpa for taking these!

I'm linking today with Tesha's Treasures!  Be sure to check out Tesha's blog and her encouraging words.

Father's Day

This has been a tough but also good weekend.  I didn't expect things to hit so hard this weekend, but I guess they did.  Yesterday I had a good time of cooking and baking all kinds of things.  I find so much joy being in the kitchen, creating food for my family.  After dinner, we made our way to the cemetery.  I hadn't been out there in about a month, since we had brought a desert rose to place at Solveig's grave. The need to be there hasn't been as intense lately...but yesterday I so wanted to go.  So the four of us went out, and the dog even came this time.  We cut some day lilies from our garden and each of us laid a lily by Solveig's grave.  I also placed one at Briana's grave, the sweet baby right next to Solveig.  I find myself wanting to care for the other graves.  There are some that get lots of attention and some that don't.  I swept away some cobwebs on one other baby's grave and spent some time looking at the names and the beautiful flowers that are gracing the cemetery this time of year.  It's quite lovely.  Whenever I'm there, I find myself talking to Solveig a little bit.  I know she's not there, but it feels nice to say something to her.  Usually it's something like this...

"Oh baby girl, how I miss you.  Mommy so wishes you were here right now.  I wish I could hold you again, but I know that Jesus holds you now.  I love you Solveig, and I always will.  I look forward to holding you again one day in Heaven."

After talking to Solveig last night, all the sudden there was a rush of wind in the air around me.  It sort of caught me off guard, and it was wonderful.  I looked up at the heavens and I truly felt the presence of the Holy Spirit in that place.  I know that the Lord was taking that moment to encourage me.  Tears streamed down my face and I smiled with joy, knowing that He was there with me.

It was a snuggle my pink teddy bear in Solveig's blankie kind of night last night.  Much comfort comes to me by way of snuggling that little bear.  Thanks Candy and Missing Grace Foundation for that bear. After having a hard time falling asleep, I asked Erik to pray for me.  Whenever he does that I feel such peace and comfort.  Thank you Erik for praying over me - that means more to me than you may ever know.  I'm so blessed to have you.

Today, we celebrated fathers.  I'm so blessed to have some in my life...my sweet husband, my own dad, my father-in-law, our uncles, my brothers, and some other men who have been like surrogate fathers to me through the years...so blessed.  Thank you sweet guys.

When we were at church this morning, I didn't know that it would be so tough to not have Solveig with us...but just like on the other holidays we've experienced to date, her absence is so profound on holidays...at least to me it is.  Mother's Day was tough, but I didn't realize that I would feel so deeply on Father's Day.  I kept thinking to myself, "I just hurt for my husband...that he didn't get to be a daddy to Solveig on this earth...he's such an amazing daddy and I know that he would've been so good to her and that she would've absolutely adored him!"

When I told this to Erik on the way home from church, he said to me, "she's in much better hands."

As hard as it is to accept that, it's true...and in that moment I could once again see her in the arms of Jesus...where she has been since late February.  She's safe in the arms of Jesus, and nothing can take her away from that protected place. This comment from Solveig's precious daddy caused me to have a flashback to the night that we were in the hospital finding out that Solveig had passed...February 26, 2012.  Right after Dr. M told us the news, Erik said to me, "she's with Jesus now, honey.  She's with Jesus."

I'm so glad that she is safe.  And as much as I want her in my hands, she's definitely in better hands...as her daddy said.

Holding our sweet girl...moments that we will always treasure.  I posted this picture of Erik because it was so touching to me to see him so saddened and tender at the loss of our daughter.  She grabbed hold of his heart in the few moments on earth that he had with her.  Solveig, your Daddy and Mommy loved you so very much.  We always will.

Conversations With Kids

Weeks and days go by now without our kids talking about Solveig.  I'm sure that's a normal and healthy part of moving on in the grief process.  But every now and then the kids will say something about her, or ask a question.  We're more than willing to talk about Solveig, and we don't ever want her life and death to be a taboo subject in our home.  It's fine if they bring it up, or if we occasionally decide to talk about her in front of them.

Today at the table, we were talking with the kids about how we prayed and asked God for them.  Bug then said, "And after Buzzy, we prayed and asked God for another baby, and He gave us Solveig."

Wow...yes.  He did.  He sure did give us Solveig.  And it's so sweet that her big sister still thinks about her.  That warms my heart.

My response to Bug through the tears that started to warm my eyes was, "yes, and even though she is not with us on earth, we will ALWAYS think of her as a gift that God gave to us."

She was such a gift, truly.  I'll always thank Him for her life, albeit such a brief one.  And the fact is, we are so different because of her.  We'll never be the same.  She has changed us.  Or shall I say, God has changed us.  He has changed us through the experience of having her.

There have been so many experiences that we have had following Solveig's short life that we wouldn't have had otherwise which have impacted us greatly.  We have met people that we would have perhaps not encountered in other circumstances.  Our priorities for what is important in this life have changed.  We value our living children that we have with a much deeper intensity.  We value our other human relationships much more.  And our faith in God has grown, as we've experienced His presence with us so closely through this time.

Shortly after we talked about God giving us Solveig, Buzz said, "we can open up that hole and dig up the grave."  Oh...sting to my heart.  Sweet boy...I think he just so wanted to make things better and to help right the wrong that has happened.  My sweet boy wanted to get his sister back.  I had to tell him, "honey, I'm so sorry, but remember that Solveig died.  In the ground is her body, but her spirit left her body when she died.  We believe that her spirit is with Jesus in Heaven."  Big sister piped in and said, "I know that Solveig is playing with Briana in Heaven.  They're probably dancing in the streets of gold!"

I just love it when Bug talks about Solveig in Heaven.  I love the insights of children.  And I love that she remembers Briana too.  Briana is the little girl who is buried next to Solveig, and I've been getting to know her sweet mama H in the last few months.  Our stories are somewhat similar, as Briana was also born still late term.

Here's a picture at the cemetery that we took on Mother's Day.  We still don't have a marker for Solveig, but we hope to get one soon.  For now, we have some flowers and it's nice to have something there.  (Briana's grave is just a few feet to the right of our baby.)

I found the wreath at the craft store and added the pink ribbon - perfect for "craft challenged" me.  (I dubbed myself with that nickname at MOPS one time!  We have some awesome crafty ladies who lead us in fun crafts, but I often have to ask fifty five questions before I figure them out because of my craft challenged self!  Love you crafty friends!  Maybe when I'm in Heaven I won't be so craft challenged. :))

Maybe you can see where it looks like patchy grass underneath the heart wreath - that is the rectangular spot that was dug for our daughter, and just beneath it lies her body.  The sweet guys who tend the cemetery voluntarily planted some grass seed there since we don't have a marker as of yet.

It's hard to get our kids to smile for the camera.  But I loved that they were standing by the grave, and that Bug was trying to fix up the ribbon and make sure it was just so for her baby sister.  They really seem to understand that it is important to their mama to spend time there.

As a family at our baby's grave.  So glad that my parents were there with us to help take that picture.

There are some beautiful trees at the cemetery, and also some lovely little benches to sit on very close to Solveig's spot.  We're looking forward to taking a picnic out there sometime soon and sitting under the pine tree by her grave.

More to the story will come soon.  Thanks for staying tuned.

Come and Gone

The due date came and it quickly went yesterday. It was a rather peaceful day that we were able to spend together as a family. Bug ended up having a fever Easter night, so we weren't able to send her to school due to the 24 hour fever rule. She woke up feeling well on Monday. I think that perhaps she is just getting ready to lose her first tooth, as she has been complaining of sore teeth lately. Here I thought she had just eaten a little too much candy from her Easter basket!

With the Bug and Buzz we decided to venture out to do something fun, as we felt like Solveig would have wanted us to be celebrating. Our attempts at visiting a few special museums downtown were not fulfilled as both museums were indeed closed. Bummer! Alas, we thought we should go and walk around the beautiful cathedral in the city. It was so pretty in there, but not as quiet as Buzz would have liked. There were some construction workers trying to fancy it up a bit and their jackhammers were quite noisy. I lit a candle for our little Solveig while we were there, just because. It was so tiny and sweet, like her.

In an effort to find some pretty flowers, trees or shrubs to plant in honor of our baby this year, we went to a nearby greenhouse and enjoyed walking around and meeting "Baby" the beautiful parrot who greeted us with repeated cries of "hello" and "hi!" Bug was so entertained by that cute bird. A few of the options for plants/flowers that really seemed to jump out at me in their beauty and potential were the Bleeding Heart and the Azaleas (?). I know that second one has another name which I am briefly forgetting as I type...but I love the vibrant shades of both plants. And isn't the name of the first one so befitting? I sure think so. It was great to get some ideas. Now we have to figure out what we want, and wait for the frozen tundra to stop freezing before we can plant.

The restaurant where kids get to wear crowns beckoned us next for lunch and playtime in the tubes that I like to refer to as a virtual cesspool of germs. But the kids think that the cesspool is amazing and they love to go there occasionally. After our greasy spoon lunch and playtime, we headed to the grocery store to pick up some roses and headed on our way to the cemetery. It was a windy yet sunny day, and although it was a bit cool, at least it was MUCH warmer than the day when we buried our daughter in early March with snow covering the ground. Having the kids with us was so special. Solveig's grave is still fresh with dirt as the grass seed has yet to be planted. Erik pounded our little easel stake into the ground and on it we hung a cute heart shaped wreath that I found pre-made at the craft store. Remember, I'm what I like to refer to as "craft challenged," so for me to find something that was cute that I didn't have to make myself was just perfect! Now there is something adorning our daughter's grave site and I'm so glad that it is there. We laid our roses on the ground next to the wreath. And we talked about our little friend B who is laid to rest next to Solveig. She was also born still, almost five years ago. Bug said, "I bet Solveig and B are playing in Heaven together right now! They're probably having so much fun!" I love the insight of children. And I'm so glad that my little girl thinks of Heaven so positively! That she can imagine it with joy in her little heart. That is beautiful to me.

Up to this point in the day I had been doing fine emotionally and really wasn't upset. However, as we drove away from the cemetery it really hit me that she was missing. Solveig wasn't with us in the physical sense. It hit me that she would have been riding with us in the car...that we would have been taking her places and that people would be holding her and passing her around...that she would be experiencing life with us and us with her. And now she is absent in body. But I so believe that we always feel a bit of her presence with us on earth, even though her spirit is with the Lord in Heaven.

The tears continue to come occasionally, but I am not crying constantly. I am not in despair. I wonder if I ever will be in full despair over this loss...other than how I felt at the initial loss. So much hope has risen up in me, and so much peace over all. A peace that passes all understanding. A peace that can only come from the Lord. I miss my little girl. I'd love to have her back. But I will go on. Life must go on. And I will continue to grieve her loss, perhaps the rest of my life. But joy will return. The journey continues...