Sweet Children...

We just took a little adventure to a feed and farm store to pick up straw for our garden to use as a weed preventative.  I wish I had thought of this much sooner in the season!  Sweet Erik has helped me with the weeding - he's a rockstar in my book.

On our way home from picking up the straw, I thought we should stop at the cemetery for a few minutes.

As we were standing by the grave, Buzz said, "did you ever see her again Mommy?"

I replied, "well, no honey, because she died.  Her body is no longer with us on earth, remember?"

He said, "Oh."

I could've gone on to remind him of how we will see her again in Heaven...that God gave me that lovely picture in a vision of seeing her playing and dancing...but I think he didn't need that explanation today.  And I just wasn't on the top of my game to remember to say it.  I wish I could see her again here.  I sure would love that, but it is not to be.

How we look forward to our reunion.

Meanwhile, there is gardening to be done, clothes to be washed on this lovely warm and bright sunny day, children to laugh and play with and an oven pancake to make for dinner in a few hours...

Thank you Lord, for this wonderful gift of life you have bestowed upon me...these beautiful children who are here...my special husband who is such a gem of a man...we are blessed beyond measure...may we remember that always, even in the midst of the grief journey.

**And thank you, all of you who responded and wrote such kind, encouraging words.  You blessed me so much with that.  And I so appreciate you and your prayers for our family.  Thank you.**

Below are some pictures of Erik with the kids on one of their recent sailing adventures.  Thanks to Grandpa for taking these!

I'm linking today with Tesha's Treasures!  Be sure to check out Tesha's blog and her encouraging words.

Speechless...

Someone named "anonymous" wrote something which I felt was very rude in the comments section on my blog tonight.  It talked about how it wasn't right for me to post pictures of my dead baby on the internet and how this must be harmful for my family to write a post like that.  Whoever you are, I didn't appreciate what you said and quite honestly it hurt.  This is my blog and it is my way to process my grief and the life of my daughter which was so brief.  Please respect that.  And know that I have gotten help, am getting help and will continue to get help as I feel led to do so.  And for the record...the pictures that we have of our daughter are very precious to us.  I have chosen to show a FEW of them online - the ones which I feel are okay to show.

Someday when you lose someone very close to you that you love, I think you will understand more fully just how deep grief goes and how it is not possible to just move on right away.  I'm doing my best to do just that and living my life fully.  You just don't always see that here through this venue, as this is a TINY glimpse into my everyday life.  But I WILL continue to blog here, and I will continue to share my thoughts and my feelings.  And if you don't want to read it or see it, well then maybe you shouldn't be reading my blog.

With all due respect...please consider very carefully next time what you choose to say in the comments section of my blog or someone else's blog who has gone through a loss...and filter what you choose to say to people like me when you are speaking face to face...

5 Months Later...

It has been five months since Solveig came and went.  I think the depth of our loss is even greater now than it was then.  Babies and baby stuff abound around me...and many moments it is much easier to endure now than it used to be.  I see adorable baby girl sundresses at the store with the big red bullseye and everywhere else for that matter and everything in me wants to buy one...but then I am reminded that at this point there is no reason for that.  I miss her.  I miss my tiny little love and would love her to be in my arms once again.  Some days Heaven could not possibly come any sooner...and others I am grateful to yet be here.  So many reasons are present for me to stay right now, and I'm grateful for those reasons to live.  I think of her all the time still.  She is on my mind.  So if you are around me, please do not hesitate to ask me about Solveig.  Please don't hesitate to ask how I'm doing with our loss.  Please don't hesitate to say her name...because I love to hear her name.  I miss people saying her name.  And it's hard that now life is really moving on, yet we are not fully moving on nor are we ready to fully move on.  Please do not hurry us in our grief.  Please do not expect that we can not grieve any longer.  It is a lifelong process from what I hear.

We will not forget you, precious little angel Solveig Sofia.  We will never forget.  You are forever an important part of our family.

Your mama loves you sweet girl.  I know your eyes are bright and gazing upon our Savior and Lord Jesus...I can't wait to look there with you and to hold you in my arms again.

Musical Midnight

I started writing this last week and just couldn't finish...so I thought I'd finish it now.  I'm linking up with Tesha's Treasures today.  Blessings...
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For some reason, this week has been really tough.  I just feel "out of sorts," as it were and there are moments when it is hard to know how to conduct myself...whether that is in relation to family, friends or strangers.  There are times that I still feel like I'm living this separate existence where my mind is reeling with thoughts and processing things that other people probably aren't thinking about, and it's okay that they're thinking about their own things.  As one bereaved dad said in our support group meeting, "I don't think it's fair to drag other people into what I'm going through.  If they choose to go there with me, then that's great.  But I cannot force them to be there."  I thought that was quite profound and helpful for me at the time that I heard it several weeks ago...and it is still helpful today.

It seems that the mind gets whirling about around midnight in my little Melody World.  Sometimes I just want to turn Melody World off and get some rest, but sometimes I just cannot.  Sometimes when Melody World appears I choose to embrace it and choose to sort through my thoughts as best as I can.  But sometimes I finally realize that I cannot do this alone, and I must reach out to God and ask for His help and support.  Last night was one of those nights...

We had finally crashed into our bed around midnight, which is pretty common around here.  I'm sort of a night owl and Erik usually has a hard time settling before 11pm, as do I.  But some nights it's more like midnight when we go to sleep.  And last night it was.  I was so tired but just could not keep my eyes closed for more than a minute or two before thoughts and pictures would come to my mind.  I'm a very visual person, so when I see a picture I can usually remember it for a long time.  The picture that was in my mind last night and has been repeatedly in my mind for the last few weeks was that of my Solveig.  Her last ultrasound picture very clearly shows her umbilical cord wrapped three times around her neck - a "nuchal cord."  I didn't notice this until just a few weeks ago when I started working on her scrapbook album and really began studying the ultrasound photos.  I did not see this cord at the time of the ultrasound, and it was not mentioned to me either.  It really has been something for me to try and sort this out...to forgive the situation and those involved and to not hold anything against them.  From all that I've been learning, even if cord is present in an ultrasound (which is VERY common), most physicians will not pursue further testing/monitoring if everything is looking well otherwise.  They  continue to do biophysical profiles and check for baby's heart rate and blood pressure to make sure everything is "normal."  Apparently Solveig's stats were within normal range that day...even though they were lower than they had been in previous ultrasounds.  I guess they weren't within a dangerous zone, so the physicians weren't alarmed.

The picture continued to be present in my mind, and all the sudden the Lord woke me up and started giving me a tune in my head and lyrics also.  I headed into our bathroom with a pad of paper and a pen and began writing out the lyrics.  Obviously since it was so late at night, I couldn't really sing the melody line and record it or play our piano...so that part will have to come later.  I do need to keep manuscript paper around my presence more often so that when these inspirations hit I'll have it with me.    The lyrics poured out and I believe I have the beginning at least of yet another song for Solveig.  It was so cathartic for me and I feel it really was yet another gift from God...a gift of music and song that He gave to me to help comfort me in my time of need.  He works in the most amazing ways.  I believe I may attempt to start composing the music for the now two sets of lyrics that I have, and perhaps may even someday compile these into a short song cycle in honor of my daughter.  I really would like to do that.  And if I could ever get up the gumption to perform the songs myself in recital, that would be most special.  If I'm not able to do it though, maybe I could ask a friend to sing them for me. :)

This current week has been better than the last.  I've been resting more soundly than I was, and that is good.  There are still some rough nights.  Exercise really does seem to help me to calm and settle in more.  Gee, I should remember that more often when I'm feeling antsy!

May the Lord be with you.  And remember, in your darkest hour you can call on Him and He WILL be there...I know...because He has been there for me.

Solveig's Boxes

When we walked into our room to prepare for Solveig's delivery, the nurses directed our attention to a green box that was placed on a table just for us.  They told us that it had been made by a family like us who had gone through the loss of a child and wanted to help others.  We opened the box, and I began to weep.  Inside were several items that would become so precious to us, and included...

*A hand and/or footprint mold
*A "tress press" -  a small acrylic box that had some plates inside between which we could place Solveig's tender locks of hair.
*Some resources about grief, including a book for our children about having an angel instead of a baby

I was overwhelmed by the fact that another family had taken the time to make such a box and that we were the recipients.  The reality that we needed to receive a box like that in that moment became so intense, yet it was so comforting to have these things that would help us to remember our daughter and to make our time with her so special.

That day as we prepared for Solveig, I met Annette...the wonderful nurse/grief counselor/care coordinator at our hospital who has since become somewhat of a mentor as well as a friend - a great help in our time of need.  Annette was able to help us a little bit to prepare for what we would experience with Solveig, since she went through a similar experience years earlier.

After we had Solveig, we connected with Annette through our grief support group at the hospital, as she is the facilitator.  I asked her who makes those boxes.  She explained that different families through the years first started a fund to make the boxes possible, and then families would take on the responsibility of collecting everything to put into the boxes, creating 100 over the course of a year.  She said also that she was currently looking for someone to take on this job, and asked me if I was interested and would consider it.  I thought about it and prayed over it for a good while, asking some friends to come alongside me and pray over it as well.  Well, the long and short of it is that I could not stop thinking about the boxes and just really felt the Lord leading me to take on this new job for at least a year!  So I have done just that!!!

I'm currently in the process of gathering the items that will go in the boxes, and will be working with friends and family to compile the boxes this fall.  My goal is to have all 100 ready by Christmas, with at least the first 25 ready by early fall.  It's exciting to think about and I am so glad that we can help other families to capture special moments with their babies who will be gone all too soon.  These boxes will go to families like ours who are in the hospital for babies who will be delivered through a miscarriage, stillbirth and also those who will most likely die shortly after birth.

Soon I hope to have some type of link set up for you if you would like to donate to the cause.  There is already a fund set up through our hospital, so you can give directly to that fund.  I just need to learn the particulars of that and then I'll let you know.  And soon I'll share with you what we plan to put in the boxes.  Whether or not we decide to list the donation link here publicly, you can send me a message and I will personally let you know where to send funding.  My estimation for the cost of each box at the outset is around $50-60.  The current sample box that I have cost about $50, and that was with many things inside coming at a discounted rate.  If you'd like to support the cost of a box or donate towards it let me know!

Last night at our grief support group meeting, three couples were there to share their experiences from the past.  Two of the three couples represented have been involved in the boxes in the past, so it was really awesome to be able to personally thank them for this wonderful blessing.  In fact, the family that made the box that we received was one of those families there - that was REALLY wonderful to meet them finally.  I had for so long wanted to thank them, and it was amazing that I could do that in person.  Their story of loss and moving forward was powerful and they were so filled with hope and strength.  I appreciated their presence as well as that of the other two wonderful families who shared.

Please be praying for us as we move forward with this project.  Erik is in FULL support of me taking this on and he and I both agree it will be a very healing venture in our journey of grief.  I know Solveig would want me to help other babies...I just know it.  I think she was a very bold little girl with a lot of energy and she'd be all over this project! :)

Thanks for reading and for your encouragement.
Blessings to you all.

Linking up with Tesha's Treasures today...

A New Friend...Isaiah's Mama

When we lose someone close to us, we join a club.  This club isn't one that anyone would outright choose to join, but it's just there.  The club of others who have also lost is full of members whose lives you may intersect at any given time and any given place.  One such member is my new friend, Becky.  She and her husband Matt recently lost their precious baby boy Isaiah.  He was also born still, just a few weeks after Solveig.  Becky and I went to the same college but didn't know each other until our lives were bonded through this club of loss.  And although the circumstances for our meeting are difficult, I'm incredibly grateful to know another mama who is journeying a very similar path as mine at a similar time.  Sweet Becky, I am praying for you and Matt and your little children as you miss your Isaiah.  May God be so close to you and comfort you as you grieve.  Please join me in praying for Becky.  And if you'd like to follow her journey, click here to follow her blog.

Thanks.

A Little Piece of Heaven...

I tried to find three early pictures of my three babies as I was thinking about how they look similar and different.  The following are sort of random, but they're sweet to us. :)

Bug - born May 19, 2006 - this was about a week or so later...she looks like she's playing air guitar, doesn't she?
  For some reason we didn't get many good hospital pictures of her.

Buzz - born June 22, 2008 - he has such a sweet round head.  I'll never forget Dr. C who delivered him and said, "this baby has such nice big round head!  hahaha!  I never seen baby with such nice big round head!"  I love telling that story. :)

Solveig - born still February 29, 2012...I think she looks so much like her big sister and I often stop in my tracks to gaze at the Bug and imagine Solveig and what she would be like...I love this picture of her, because I feel like we can see her features most clearly on here and on one other one that we have.  She was so tiny...my hand totally covered her body...

Writing has eluded me the past few days.  My desire and inspiration just hasn't been there.  But tonight I feel like I can write again.  After a stressful weekend and just not feeling well due to an ear infection, I'm just starting to regain some strength again.  My body and spirit just had enough I guess after all the stress of the last eight weeks.  Eight weeks...today marks eight weeks since Solveig's birth.  It is hard to believe that so much time has passed when many moments it feels like time has stood still.  But life goes on.  Life has gone on all around us, and some of the time we have been able to partake in those goings on.  It has felt good to do some "normal" things again.  But there are still days when I can barely get up and get going. Having two cutie pies with me kind of keeps me going.  They're really helpful for that and I'm so grateful for them.  Our furry friend Bailey is a great companion too, and I'm glad that we've had her for almost a year now.  And my sweet man...he helps me too.  Thank you Erik.

Today we had a really incredible speaker at our MOPS group.  Her name is Kellie, and she and her husband Todd lost their daughter Makenzie almost three years ago to a really tragic car accident.  Makenzie was 18 years old and she was a beautiful young woman who loved Jesus and also was a professional ballerina.  Kellie shared some pretty amazing things today that really spoke to my heart.  (Thank you Kellie.  It was awesome to meet you today.) I felt like even though my loss of Solveig is very different than her loss of her teenage daughter, there were many things that I could relate to.  Kellie talked about the need to hold her daughter after she found out she had died in the accident.  She shared that she wasn't able to see her daughter for a couple of days due to the law and needing to investigate the accident.  When she talked about that, I completely broke down.  I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been for her.  But I could relate to the desperate need to hold and see her daughter who had died.  I'll never forget how intense that desire was for me...knowing my sweet girl was already gone inside of me and just wanting her to come out so that I could hold her and keep her close to me...even though her spirit was already gone.  Kellie also shared some very special truths that I wrote down in my little blue notebook which now goes everywhere with me.  She said, "God doesn't function on my life's to do list."  Wow.  Isn't that something?  We think we need Him to do things in our time and when it will work best for us...but friends, He doesn't operate that way.  His timeline is different than ours.  The other thing that she talked about was how everything we've gone through in our life up to the time of our difficult moment was preparing us for that difficult moment.   I could really relate to that one.  I can honestly look at my life and say that I see how God was preparing me for Solveig's death in so many ways...from the tiniest details to the more major ones.  For instance, I do believe that having two miscarriages prior to Solveig's death was helpful for me.  I already knew that life isn't just a given and that we cannot take life for granted.  I also believe that He helped me even with those miscarriages and Solveig's loss through knowing the story of my own parents' loss of conjoined twins who were born before brothers Eric and Joel and me.  I can hardly wait to meet them in Heaven one day.  And other things like having a background knowledge of funerals and the customs therein and funeral homes (from my dad working in the business)...that was very helpful as we were planning Solveig's funeral.  I feel like throughout my pregnancy with Solveig I was just hesitant to accept that it would go "textbook."  It wasn't textbook, that's for sure, and I knew that fairly early on.  I just kind of had a foreboding sense that something was going to happen and that I would maybe be called to sacrifice her to the Lord.  I never had a "word" from the Lord about that as some people might, but I just kind of knew.  I don't know how better to explain that.  One other thing that Kellie said that I will remember was, "God never interrupts your life - He knows every detail."  He knew.  He knew that Solveig would die.  I believe that it was part of His plan for her and for us.  Sometimes that portion is quite difficult to reconcile.  Sometimes it is hard to understand how His plan for my daughter and for us could involve her early departure from this planet.  But His plans are not for us to fully comprehend here, as much as we'd like to.  We will know fully when we are in Heaven.  I look forward to having these earthly mysteries solved one day.

Kellie talked about how Makenzie met Jesus immediately upon her sudden death.  For me, that visual was so real today.  And what a beautiful image that was.  Not only could I imagine this sweet young girl who had died, but also my precious Solveig.  Solveig got to meet Jesus, immediately upon her death.  She got to see Him face to face.  She is with Him now.  Today, I saw a little piece of Heaven when I imagined my  adorable baby girl being held by Jesus.  I long to be there too.  One day sweet Solveig...one day we will meet again.  For now, maybe Miss Makenzie is playing with you and teaching you how to dance on the streets of gold.  I know your big sister Bug will love dancing with you too one day.

I miss you, baby girl.  Your mommy will always love you and think of you...and I'll always be grateful that I had you here for a brief while...you had life.  You had life in me, and that was a blessing.

Some Joy

The last few days have found me with more joy than sadness. What a refreshing change. It's too dark walking around through the tunnel of death and depression. Granted, it's normal, perfectly normal for what I'm going through as a grieving mom. But it is not a place I wish to dwell the rest of my life. And for that, I'm grateful. Part of me wonders if I should feel guilty for experiencing joy and happiness right now. But then I really don't think I should. That guilt is not warranted, and it is most certainly NOT from the Lord.

I can honestly say that I've felt some moments of happiness in the last couple of days. The Lord has blessed me with some precious friends who have been incredibly uplifting. One sweet friend Becky slipped a note in my purse at church the other day, telling me that she's praying for me, and also that she thought of a specific verse for me. Thank you sweet Becky. Another friend Aleeta brought me some coffee and a scone the other day when she delivered a meal. That totally made my day. Thank you Aleeta. Four of my friends from MOPS came to help clean our house the other night - so awesome. Thank you Alisha, Heidi, Lexi and Peggy. You lifted my spirit and our house looks so much better thanks to you. Yesterday, my friend Heidi shared her story of losing her son who was born still seventeen years ago. It brought me comfort talking with another mommy who has been down a very similar road. Thank you Heidi. And my "natural girls" friends and I went out last night for dinner and we laughed so hard and shared good conversation. Thank you Christin, Jackie, Joy and Liz. Today I talked on the phone with my sweet friend Amy. She's like an older sister and advisor to me, and I so appreciate her counsel and encouragement.

There are so many others who have blessed me lately...the above are just a sampling. I'm immensely blessed with these friends. Thank you Lord for showering me with your love through the gift of friendship.

If you're going through a deep, dark valley right now, I encourage you to seek out the encouragement and love of friends during your trial. Don't be afraid to ask them to pray for you, or to sit with you while you share your story...don't be afraid to accept the help which they may offer you through meals, child care, cleaning, etc...they want to bless you and by accepting their help, you are allowing them to serve you as they desire to do.

You will be encouraged if you allow others to encourage you. But you must allow them in...

2 Corinthians 13:11 - "Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you."

May the Lord bless you and your family this Good Friday. Because of Christ's death on the cross, we have victory from death and sin. We have victory and we can have eternity with Him if we so choose.

A New Day

Yesterday I was feeling incredibly sad and wasn't able to see much in a positive manner. Today, I woke up with a different outlook and I'm so grateful for that. I've been enjoying my kids today. Going to the bakery for treats and warm yummy drinks for me and my Buzz doesn't hurt either...that could certainly brighten anyone's mood, right? :) But in all seriousness, the waves of grief which I've heard about are upon the shores of our home. And today's wave is very small in comparison to the squall which seemed to cover the home and our hearts yesterday. Thank you Lord for the currently small wave of the day. I really appreciate a reprieve from the intensity of the raging sea.

Erik and I have been blessed to have a counselor named Grace with whom we have met before. Her name is so befitting of her as she emulates grace and peace and encouragement in such a strong way. I know that God has placed her in our lives. And this week, I knew that we needed to start going to see her again. Last night we had the privilege of doing just that. It really helps to talk through grief and loss as a couple with an outside party. If you or someone you know has gone through loss of any magnitude, I encourage you to seek counseling. You don't need to do your grieving all on your own...and putting voice to the thoughts in your mind can be incredibly helpful. There is no reason to be ashamed to seek counseling. It does not make you less of a person. It doesn't mean that you are not strong. In fact, I think that it makes a person stronger to admit that they need help and to go seek that help. Thank you Grace for joining us on our journey. You are a gift to us.

Now...I'm going to focus today on the little kiddos that are present with us and the blessing that they are. They need their mama today, and I need them too.