Musical Midnight

I started writing this last week and just couldn't finish...so I thought I'd finish it now.  I'm linking up with Tesha's Treasures today.  Blessings...
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For some reason, this week has been really tough.  I just feel "out of sorts," as it were and there are moments when it is hard to know how to conduct myself...whether that is in relation to family, friends or strangers.  There are times that I still feel like I'm living this separate existence where my mind is reeling with thoughts and processing things that other people probably aren't thinking about, and it's okay that they're thinking about their own things.  As one bereaved dad said in our support group meeting, "I don't think it's fair to drag other people into what I'm going through.  If they choose to go there with me, then that's great.  But I cannot force them to be there."  I thought that was quite profound and helpful for me at the time that I heard it several weeks ago...and it is still helpful today.

It seems that the mind gets whirling about around midnight in my little Melody World.  Sometimes I just want to turn Melody World off and get some rest, but sometimes I just cannot.  Sometimes when Melody World appears I choose to embrace it and choose to sort through my thoughts as best as I can.  But sometimes I finally realize that I cannot do this alone, and I must reach out to God and ask for His help and support.  Last night was one of those nights...

We had finally crashed into our bed around midnight, which is pretty common around here.  I'm sort of a night owl and Erik usually has a hard time settling before 11pm, as do I.  But some nights it's more like midnight when we go to sleep.  And last night it was.  I was so tired but just could not keep my eyes closed for more than a minute or two before thoughts and pictures would come to my mind.  I'm a very visual person, so when I see a picture I can usually remember it for a long time.  The picture that was in my mind last night and has been repeatedly in my mind for the last few weeks was that of my Solveig.  Her last ultrasound picture very clearly shows her umbilical cord wrapped three times around her neck - a "nuchal cord."  I didn't notice this until just a few weeks ago when I started working on her scrapbook album and really began studying the ultrasound photos.  I did not see this cord at the time of the ultrasound, and it was not mentioned to me either.  It really has been something for me to try and sort this out...to forgive the situation and those involved and to not hold anything against them.  From all that I've been learning, even if cord is present in an ultrasound (which is VERY common), most physicians will not pursue further testing/monitoring if everything is looking well otherwise.  They  continue to do biophysical profiles and check for baby's heart rate and blood pressure to make sure everything is "normal."  Apparently Solveig's stats were within normal range that day...even though they were lower than they had been in previous ultrasounds.  I guess they weren't within a dangerous zone, so the physicians weren't alarmed.

The picture continued to be present in my mind, and all the sudden the Lord woke me up and started giving me a tune in my head and lyrics also.  I headed into our bathroom with a pad of paper and a pen and began writing out the lyrics.  Obviously since it was so late at night, I couldn't really sing the melody line and record it or play our piano...so that part will have to come later.  I do need to keep manuscript paper around my presence more often so that when these inspirations hit I'll have it with me.    The lyrics poured out and I believe I have the beginning at least of yet another song for Solveig.  It was so cathartic for me and I feel it really was yet another gift from God...a gift of music and song that He gave to me to help comfort me in my time of need.  He works in the most amazing ways.  I believe I may attempt to start composing the music for the now two sets of lyrics that I have, and perhaps may even someday compile these into a short song cycle in honor of my daughter.  I really would like to do that.  And if I could ever get up the gumption to perform the songs myself in recital, that would be most special.  If I'm not able to do it though, maybe I could ask a friend to sing them for me. :)

This current week has been better than the last.  I've been resting more soundly than I was, and that is good.  There are still some rough nights.  Exercise really does seem to help me to calm and settle in more.  Gee, I should remember that more often when I'm feeling antsy!

May the Lord be with you.  And remember, in your darkest hour you can call on Him and He WILL be there...I know...because He has been there for me.

Singing and Composing Again

I'm linking up again with Tesha today.  If you are new, thanks for visiting.  You can read more about my baby girl Solveig Sofia by clicking on the labels to the right and/or previous posts.

I am a classically trained singer, but I also love singing other styles...pop, country, musical theater, etc.  Often times I sing along with the radio or my downloaded tunes and rock out.  Since we lost Solveig three months ago, I have had a hard time singing much of anything.  Most of the time when I would start to sing, I would begin to cry.  The desire just hasn't been there either.  It isn't until very recently that I've been able to sing without crying nonstop.  

Well, today I have a little bit of time to myself thanks to my parents helping watch Buzz for a bit.  And I wanted to sing!  I wandered over to my music library and pulled out my Brahms lieder book and began playing and singing a bunch of the pieces in there.  My heart became so full of joy as I was singing and I thought to myself, "I wish I had been able to do this sooner!"  It feels good to use the gift God has given me once again.

Another thing I haven't done in a very long time is to compose music.  I love composing and have written a bunch of different things through the years...a wedding song for my husband, a requiem lullaby for my friends Natalie and Steve in honor of their baby boy Aidan, lullabies for my babies and more.  The desire and inspiration to compose was missing in me for quite awhile.  After losing Solveig, I wanted so much to write her a piece of music but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  That changed this past weekend when we were at one of my very favorite places on earth - our church camp a ways north of here in MN.  Each year for the past few years we've been able to go up there with some of our friends from church to help set up the camp for the summer.  I love being there and find so much peace and tranquility in that place.

The first night that we were at camp this past weekend, I woke up suddenly and saw an angel next to our bed.  It has been awhile since I've seen angels.  The last time was at Solveig's birth when they surrounded us in the hospital room.  Well, this time I was startled but not afraid.  Erik prayed for me to be able to go back to sleep, but it took awhile for me to calm down and feel settled again.  Instead, my mind began reeling with song and I so wished I had my piano and recording equipment there as well as some manuscript paper for composition.  Next time I go on a trip I'll remember to bring some manuscript paper!  I usually do, because it's in other places that I'm often inspired to write.

In the morning I had some time to myself, and I sat down and began to write lyrics for what I hope will become Solveig's song.  I will have to spend some time with that again very soon so I don't lose the momentum of composing.  It's just exciting to have that desire to write.  And I think that angel that visited me that night may have just been part of this fresh inspiration.

When it's done, I'll try to share the piece on here somehow.

Thanks for your words of hope and peace.  I appreciate your prayers and love.