This has been a tough but also good weekend. I didn't expect things to hit so hard this weekend, but I guess they did. Yesterday I had a good time of cooking and baking all kinds of things. I find so much joy being in the kitchen, creating food for my family. After dinner, we made our way to the cemetery. I hadn't been out there in about a month, since we had brought a desert rose to place at Solveig's grave. The need to be there hasn't been as intense lately...but yesterday I so wanted to go. So the four of us went out, and the dog even came this time. We cut some day lilies from our garden and each of us laid a lily by Solveig's grave. I also placed one at Briana's grave, the sweet baby right next to Solveig. I find myself wanting to care for the other graves. There are some that get lots of attention and some that don't. I swept away some cobwebs on one other baby's grave and spent some time looking at the names and the beautiful flowers that are gracing the cemetery this time of year. It's quite lovely. Whenever I'm there, I find myself talking to Solveig a little bit. I know she's not there, but it feels nice to say something to her. Usually it's something like this...
"Oh baby girl, how I miss you. Mommy so wishes you were here right now. I wish I could hold you again, but I know that Jesus holds you now. I love you Solveig, and I always will. I look forward to holding you again one day in Heaven."
After talking to Solveig last night, all the sudden there was a rush of wind in the air around me. It sort of caught me off guard, and it was wonderful. I looked up at the heavens and I truly felt the presence of the Holy Spirit in that place. I know that the Lord was taking that moment to encourage me. Tears streamed down my face and I smiled with joy, knowing that He was there with me.
It was a snuggle my pink teddy bear in Solveig's blankie kind of night last night. Much comfort comes to me by way of snuggling that little bear. Thanks Candy and Missing Grace Foundation for that bear. After having a hard time falling asleep, I asked Erik to pray for me. Whenever he does that I feel such peace and comfort. Thank you Erik for praying over me - that means more to me than you may ever know. I'm so blessed to have you.
Today, we celebrated fathers. I'm so blessed to have some in my life...my sweet husband, my own dad, my father-in-law, our uncles, my brothers, and some other men who have been like surrogate fathers to me through the years...so blessed. Thank you sweet guys.
When we were at church this morning, I didn't know that it would be so tough to not have Solveig with us...but just like on the other holidays we've experienced to date, her absence is so profound on holidays...at least to me it is. Mother's Day was tough, but I didn't realize that I would feel so deeply on Father's Day. I kept thinking to myself, "I just hurt for my husband...that he didn't get to be a daddy to Solveig on this earth...he's such an amazing daddy and I know that he would've been so good to her and that she would've absolutely adored him!"
When I told this to Erik on the way home from church, he said to me, "she's in much better hands."
As hard as it is to accept that, it's true...and in that moment I could once again see her in the arms of Jesus...where she has been since late February. She's safe in the arms of Jesus, and nothing can take her away from that protected place. This comment from Solveig's precious daddy caused me to have a flashback to the night that we were in the hospital finding out that Solveig had passed...February 26, 2012. Right after Dr. M told us the news, Erik said to me, "she's with Jesus now, honey. She's with Jesus."
I'm so glad that she is safe. And as much as I want her in my hands, she's definitely in better hands...as her daddy said.
Holding our sweet girl...moments that we will always treasure. I posted this picture of Erik because it was so touching to me to see him so saddened and tender at the loss of our daughter. She grabbed hold of his heart in the few moments on earth that he had with her. Solveig, your Daddy and Mommy loved you so very much. We always will.