The What Should Haves...

Sometimes the what should have been scenarios sneak up on me and I start thinking about them.  All the things that would have happened with Solveig in our lives...all the things that are not happening with her.  Often what triggers the what should have sneak ups are the random encounters or observances I have at the store with the big red bulls eye, or at a park, or other places too.  Seeing baby products sometimes is hard.  Seeing huge mama bellies that belong to people I don't know...knowing there's a baby who is most likely still alive inside those bellies.  I sometimes want to run up to those mamas and say something like, "do you know just how precious your little one is?  Please don't take this life for granted.  Please appreciate every moment that your little one is alive, for there is absolutely no guarantee how many more seconds, days, weeks, months or years this child will be in your presence and you don't want to regret a single moment of it.  Just trust me.  Please be grateful that the Lord gave you this baby.  Please pray over your child and ask God to bless their life, no matter what the outcome. And no matter what happens, know that God will still be with you, through good days and bad."

Of course, I could never say such things to random strangers.  But I assure you, the urge to do so is very strong sometimes.  I think that sometimes what is the hardest to see are the people who seem to not  care or want the child that is within them.  That breaks my heart.  Sometimes I find myself praying silently or aloud to myself over random strangers, asking God to be close to them and to protect them and the baby within them. 

Seeing brand new baby girls is hard, and now seeing baby girls who are about three months old is hard...but again I say to you, if I KNOW you and I see you with your baby it really isn't that hard for me to be with you and your baby!  It's just different when it's people I know and they know my story than it is to be around strangers.  Does that make sense?

Yes, the what should have been's are rough some days.  She should be with us.  She should have been with us this morning when my Bug had her piano lesson with sweet Grammie...she should have been in my arms, or taking a nap in her car seat.  I don't always think about that when I'm over there, but today I did for some reason.  She would be smiling at this age, just over three months.  She'd probably be cooing and giggling.  And maybe she'd be starting to get some cute pudgy rolls.  She had NONE of those when she was born, because she was just 33.5 weeks and was so tiny and long and only 3 pounds 11 ounces...just like big sister was when she was born at 36 weeks and five days, just five pounds 2 ounces.

Sometimes I think about how the big kids would be playing with her, and how they would be so good with her.  They wanted her so much.  One thing I'm continually grateful for in this is that they still have each other and they love each other dearly.  They're together all the time and love to be together.  That really has been a blessing, especially in the midst of their and our grief.  I love that they can help entertain each other much of the time - that really does help free me up a little bit more.

My heart wants to be such a good mama to my kiddos.  But there are some days when I feel completely lacking in this area.  I want to love on them and be with them but my patience seems somewhat thinner than it was before.  I have to keep praying and asking God to give me grace with my kids.

There are times when I'm focusing on the what should haves and I'm reminded to have hope for the future.  The Lord still knows my future, even when I don't.  And although He certainly didn't promise that this life would be easy, He did promise to be with us no matter what.  So with that in mind, I press on and try to keep my eyes on Him.

We'd appreciate your continued prayers.  It's still hard a lot of days, but there are some good moments or days too.  Thanks for staying tuned.