Four Months Later

Today marks four months since our Solveig was born still.  I miss her.  I realized this last night as I was sitting with my sweet new friends from "The Club."  This is a group of women who have all had baby losses, and we are connected mostly through college but also one friendship is through a mutual friend.  It's incredible how quickly I feel bonded with others who've experienced loss of babies.  There's a common understanding, and we just "get it" with each other.

This has been a good week for me, for the most part.  My hope in Christ remains strong.  I'm not just saying that - it's so true.  I have so many reasons to believe in Him and His goodness.  The loving arms of Jesus continually show up around me...so many continue to pray over us.  I hear from people I haven't heard from in a long time, and they tell me they are praying.  And other friends keep telling me often that they are praying.  We are blessed by these prayers and gain strength knowing that He has sent these earthly angels into our path to encourage us.

As the sun shone brightly this morning, I knew that I needed to make my way to the cemetery to visit my baby's grave.  I think of her playing on this bright, sunny day in Heaven.  She is happy - that is for sure!  Standing by her tiny grave I gazed down and spoke to her as though I knew she could hear me.

"Sweet girl, how I miss you!  I know you are with Jesus and I know He is holding you.  He has shown me that.  And I know that you are okay now.  I will always love you and I'll always think of you, no matter what.  I'll always be grateful that the Lord gave you to us for even a brief time.  I'll always be so glad that I got to feel you moving so much in my womb - how amazing that was.  What a gift."

We were talking last night in our club about our losses and asking each other what we've been learning through this journey.  My friend asked me if I was at a place of feeling grateful for our loss.  And I am. I truly am.  I'm grateful for our baby Solveig, and I'm grateful that the Lord has brought us through this difficult loss.  It really has been a blessing.  I'm no longer angered by our loss.  In fact, I don't know that I was really angry for that long at all...because God truly showed me Himself in the midst of the pain and I know that He has never left my side.  He continues to be near.  I FEEL Him with me.

I also know that we're still in the earlier end of this loss, and that it is possible that there may be harder days ahead which may bring us low.  But I really think each person handles loss so differently too.  And maybe, just maybe I'll not be in such a low, depressed way as some are.  I ache for those who face true despair in their losses.  I do think I had some of that in the beginning...which is NORMAL.  And I do feel sadness.  Believe me, I do.  But I see Him through it all.  I still see Him and I know that in my pain, He holds me up.  If I do face even darker days ahead, at least I can go into it knowing that it is normal and that I will indeed come out on the other side.  I hear that sometimes the middle-second half of the first year of loss is maybe the hardest.

I've been reading a really great book lately called Jesus Calling, written by Sarah Young.  If you haven't yet read it, I highly recommend it.  Sweet Sid and Char, some of our pastors, gave us this book after we lost Solveig...thank you dear friends.  What a blessing this book has been to me.  Each day there is a short devotional written as though maybe Jesus is talking to us and then some Bible verses are recommended to go with each reading.  Here's some of what I read today from the book, from the entry intended for April 5:

"As you go through this day, trust me to provide the strength that you need moment by moment.  Don't waste energy wondering whether you are adequate for today's journey.  My Spirit within you is more than sufficient to handle whatever this day may bring.  That is the basis for your confidence!  In quietness (spending time alone with me) and confident trust (relying on My sufficiency) is your strength."  


The recommended reading that goes with it is from 2 Corinthians 4, and I added a few more verses from that chapter that I love.

vs. 7-9, "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.  We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed...."

vs. 16-18, "So we do not lose heart.  Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.  For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.  For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

May we fix our gaze on what is eternal and not seen.

There's a lot of other stuff on my mind today, which I will hope to soon share here.

May you have a blessed day.

I