Rainbow Trees in Heaven

Precious Buzz has such insightful things to share with me.  Just now while we were eating lunch we were talking about hospitals.  He remembered the hospital where he met his baby sister, Solveig.  I was reminding him how he got to hold her and asked him if he was glad he got to hold her.  He said, "yes."

Then he said, "we didn't get an angel, we just got a baby."  (I think this might have been a thought from  a book that we were given about having an angel instead of a baby.)

We talked about this and I said, "well, our baby died and now she lives with the angels in Heaven.  So I guess she's kind of like an angel for us."

He said, "but I wonder it there are trees in Heaven."

I replied, "yes Honey, I bet there are lots of beautiful trees...and I imagine that they look much different than any of the trees that we see here on earth."

Buzz said with joy on his face, "the trees in Heaven are all different colors of the rainbow!"

I smiled too and said, "I bet they are Honey!  They are probably so gorgeous!  Are you excited to see them?"

"Yes," he simply replied.  And then he started singing a song about the trees and their many colors.

Oh he is such a gem, that kid.  I love his thoughts about Heaven, and I absolutely cherish the times that we can have these conversations.

Solveig's Boxes - How You Can Help!

This is the letter I just sent via email to family and friends.  I thought I should post it here as well.

Dear Friends & Family,

As you may or may not already know, I have taken on a volunteer project through United Hospital (with full support by my dear Erik!).  The project is to create 100 comfort boxes over the course of this next year for families who have lost babies due to miscarriage, stillbirth or early neonatal death.  Attached to this email is a list of all the items proposed to be a part of the boxes.  I recently put together my "sample" box for the hospital foundation who will approve the box before all 100 of the them can be made.

We received a box much like the ones we are putting together.  It was in our room before we delivered our Solveig Sofia in February.  We looked inside the box and we were so overwhelmed by the generosity of whoever had put this together for us and also overwhelmed that we were in a position to qualify for the need of such a box.  The items in that box helped us to be able to honor our Solveig, and to commemorate her life in the precious few hours that we had with her after she was born still.  

A few weeks after we lost Solveig, we began attending a support group at United for people like us who have lost babies.  The facilitator of the group is named Annette and she has been such a lifeline for us.  I asked Annette where the boxes came from and who had put them together.  She told me that the boxes were made by other people like us who had lost babies.  And she said that they were currently looking for a new person to fill the role for at least the next year.  She wondered if I might be interested.  Well of course I immediately knew that this was a great opportunity and also something that I felt incredibly drawn to.  I prayed about it and really felt God leading me to take on this job, and Erik said that he agreed it would be good for me and he was in full support of it.

So here I am!  I'm both excited and honored to be heading up this project in honor of our daughter and all the other little babies whose lives are so short lived.  As you will see when you look at the attached paper with the box contents, you will notice that to create 100 boxes there is quite a price tag totaling an estimated cost of around $6400.  I've done my best to get as many deals and donations as I can while trying to keep the contents very special, purposeful and of good quality.  The hospital foundation helps to support the project, and they have a specific fund just for this project.  Needless to say, that fund needs continued donations in order to continue on.  

If you feel led to help with this project, there are four ways you can do that:

1.  You can pray for the individuals/families who will be receiving the boxes...for comfort, strength, peace, encouragement, healing...

2.  You can pay me directly and I will put the money towards the items that I need to purchase for the boxes.  I won't have to ask the hospital to refund me for these funds which are donated towards me.  That is what I do otherwise - I purchase items and they will refund me.

3.  You can donate to the hospital foundation.  Here's the information for that - 

Make your check to - "United Hospital Foundation"

**Please make sure to include a post-it note indicating that you would like the money to go towards the "Olivia Fund." 

Address:

United Hospital Foundation

333 North Smith Avenue

St. Paul MN 55102

4.  You can give of your time and talents! :)  I need helpers to come over and help me with various projects related to the boxes as well as the packing of the boxes.  My MOPS group will be helping to pack probably at least 50 boxes in October!  And I have a group coming over from the hospital soon!  I also hope to have a box packing time just for family members.  But before those packing projects can happen, I need help with things like filling tiny soap bottles with lavender baby wash, filling pouches with rice mixed with essential oils to make comfort warmers, sewing the comfort warmer pouches, stringing beads to create bracelets, clamping and doing wire wrapping for the bracelets, etc...

If you are interested in helping me tangibly, please email me back and I will put your name into Evite so that I can send you a formal invitation for specific work nights/days.  Or if you are someone who can do the above mentioned sewing of pouches (think bean bag like form and the fabric is already cut) or someone who can do the bracelet clamping/wire wrapping, please let me know asap!

Thanks so much for your support in this effort.  We were so encouraged with the lemonade and cookie stand which we held recently to help raise money for this effort!  From two hours outside selling cookies and lemonade we brought in $164!!!  Then later that week we were given more money and the total went up to $280!  THANK YOU!!!!! :)

And thank you for your support and encouragement to our family following the loss of our little Solveig.  We sure miss her and wish that she could be with us on earth.  We really look forward to being reunited with her in Heaven.

If you haven't already seen it, I have been blogging our journey: http://singermamamelody.blogspot.com.

Thank you for considering this.

Sincerely,

Melody, Erik & kids

**Here's the contents list - the attachment that I sent with the email...fyi, the formatting is all goofy here and there is also a picture of Solveig that should be at the top of the paper.***

Items

Packed in a white photo storage box

*found at Michael’s Craft Stores, $1.66-2 each

Handprint/Footprint memory kit, White Crayola Model Magic & white ribbon

*$3-4 Michael’s or Joann

Willow Tree Angel memory box for hair clippings, hospital bracelet, baby cap, etc.

*provided at cost by Hallmark store; around $18 each

Book, Empty Cradle, Broken Heart by Dr. Deborah Davis

*provided by Fulcrum publisher; 51% discount – around $9.95 each

Book, When A Child Dies: A Resource For Families

by Trina Charles & Heidi Ciepielinski

*provided for a price if $8.95 each + tax & shipping

*contact Trina Charles – 320-763-6317

Small teddy bear

*Around $5 - provided at discounted rate by Hallmark store

Soft, homemade flannel blanket

*some fabric and sewing time donated by Bundles of Love,

but may have to buy some fabric…

Soft, homemade flannel comfort warmer

with rice & essential oils inside

*each warmer should cost around $2

* Bulk Jasmine rice - $17.32 for 10 lbs?

*Lavender and rosemary or lavender and orange essential oils - donated

*flannel “beanbag” like pouch handsewn by volunteers – will match the corresponding

blanket for each box – some flannel donated also by Bundles of Love, but may need to purchase some

*to be used along with the blanket to help warm the baby – can be heated in the microwave to

release essential oils…can also use after baby is gone, along with the blanket and a stuffed bear for comfort

Mini-Bar of Handmade Goatmilk Soap, Lavender scented

*for the mom…same scent as the baby soap

*these are made and donated by my friend Keri

*http://www.etsy.com/shop/twentyseven27soap

Washcloth & small bottle of liquid lavender-scented baby bath soap

*washcloths from Babies R Us & Marshalls – about $32 total - $0.32 ea

*baby bath – Walmar t - $3.34 Walmart for 16 oz. – approximately 6 bottles needed to

divide into 1 oz. amounts = $20.04 total = $0.20 for each bottle

*travel size bath soap bottle – MidwestBottles.com - $0.25 each

*total for each bath soap/washcloth combo = $0.77 each

Small packet of facial tissues

*Target or Walmart – around $0.33 ea.

Handcrafted, beaded bracelet with footprint charm

*$5 each – beads purchased through jeweler friend…some portions donated by that friend.

*beading to be completed by us, friends & family and finishing touches donated time by jeweler friend. 

Journal & Pen

*journals found in dollar section at Michael’s and Target - $0.50 ea

*ballpoint pens – Target - $4 total – 100 pens - $0.25 each

CD- piano lullabies by John Albert Thomas – “Now I Sleep”

*50% off bereavement rate – total price = $7.50 – John Albert Thomas pays shipping

Estimated Cost Per Box = $64

50 boxes = $3,200 100 boxes = $6,400

Another Conversation About Heaven

This morning, my sweet boy and I had a beautiful conversation about Heaven.  It went something like this...

"Buzz, I will always love you.  Please remember that I will always love you."

Buzz said, "even when you die?  Will you still love me then?"

Mama replied, "yes Buzz, I believe that I will.  Because the Bible says that we will recognize our loved ones in Heaven.  So I will know you and I will still love you!"

He said, "but there won't be any toys in Heaven."

I said, "well I don't know for sure about that part.  Maybe there will be some toys.  But more importantly, we're going to be so in awe of Jesus that nothing else is going to matter.  Everything in Heaven will be amazing."

Buzz then inquired, "will there be food in Heaven?"

I said, "yes, Honey, there will be lots of food!  In the Bible it talks about having a feast in Heaven!"

He then said, "but the streets are made of gold and that will hurt!"

I replied after thinking for a moment, "you mean, if you fall down on the gold streets it might hurt?"

"Yes," he said, "it would hurt.  I fall down a lot and get hurt a lot."

"Well, I don't think it will hurt because nothing is supposed to hurt anymore in Heaven.  There will be no more tears, no more pain and no more suffering," I said.

Buzz looked at my face and saw some tears and began wiping them away.  He said, "you have a tear on your cheek."

"Yes Honey, I do have a tear.  I'm crying because I'm missing your sister Solveig right now.  But she is in Heaven and she is having a wonderful time there."  Then I asked, "do you miss her?"

In his sweet big brother voice he said, "yes, I miss her...so much."

Be still my sad heart...this brother has such an affection for the baby sister whose shell he didn't know for more than an hour.  What a gift that he still cares for her.  And I hope he always remembers her.  I think he will, simply by virtue of the fact that we talk about her and look at her photos often.

I told him, "I'm so sorry that you didn't get to grow up with her on earth.  But when we get to Heaven, we will see her again and that will be amazing."

I held that little man for the longest time and the tears continue to stream down my face as I type this.  My gratefulness for the two who remain in my arms here on earth is full today.  I love them with a depth I never knew to be humanly possible.  And I cherish our moments that we have.

Thank you Lord for the gift of life.  May we spend it wisely.

He was so proud to hold her and to be a big brother...he didn't even seem to mind that she was no longer with us in spirit and that her skin was turning purple...

The Hills Are Alive...

Ever since we lost Solveig almost six months ago, I've wanted to escape and flee the scene of my life for just a bit.  We love to travel and have been blessed with many different opportunities to do so throughout the years.  But that travel bug was really in me this spring, and I just could not wait to get out for a bit to breathe some different air and see some other scenery.

Gratefully, we were able to take a trip to Colorado and South Dakota and we just returned a week ago. I've been trying to catch up on life and that is why I haven't posted here in awhile.  I'm living my REAL life, I guess you could say.

We spent time in Aspen, Snowmass, Ft. Collins, Rapid City and just an overnight stop in Sioux Falls before we headed home.  Erik drove our van to Denver and met me and the kids at the airport!  We had enough points through something that we were able to get tickets for the three of us to fly to Denver - pretty great.  I'm so glad that we could do that, and the kids had so much fun flying!  For Bug, it was the first plane trip she remembers, as she was one the last time she flew.  And for Buzz, it was his first plan trip ever.  They thought it was awesome!  And I made sure to pack their backpacks full of fun things to keep them busy during the flight.  Sticker scene books are the WAY TO GO for kids ages 4 and 6!  They loved those and still play with them, a few weeks after the start of the trip.

We did some little hikes over the top of Aspen and Snowmass Mountains and in the surrounding area, through Rocky Mountain National Park, Custer State Park, Mt. Rushmore and the Badlands National Park.  I even enjoyed singing a bit while we were hiking.  There were lots of little streams to wade in and the kids LOVED collecting rocks of all different shapes and sizes.  A gold mine was visited and toured and we also spent time panning for gold.  We ended up bringing home two tiny files filled with mostly water and a couple seedling sized pieces of gold.  It was fun to experience the thrill of the gold hunt!  We also went to the Woolly Mammoth dig site, had dinner and saw a show at a chuck wagon restaurant/theater, learned how to make an old fashioned cowboy rope, went on a boat tour of Grand Lake and so much more.  Many animals were seen, including TWO black bears in downtown Aspen, mountain goats, big horn sheep, three herds of buffalo, gazillions of prairie dogs, fish and yellow bellied marmots.  Those were all in the wild.  Then we drove through a wildlife park where we saw a LOT of different bears, walking right next to our van, and many other animals as well.  Good thing they keep those bears well fed!

While we were gone we had the opportunity to spend time with some very special people, including my voice teacher from grad. school and his sweet wife and son who have really become such dear friends, Erik's aunt and my special friend from high school and her adorable family - they're like family to me.  I'm so grateful that we could be with these loved ones.  It was food for my soul and I miss them all already.  Thank you dear friends for the time we could be together.  I so appreciated the times we could share as well as the wonderful conversations.

The one thing that was hard for me on the trip was that I kept thinking about Solveig and how she could have been with us.  There were of course babies everywhere, and I noticed all of them...especially the newborns or those who were almost six months old, like Solveig would be.  Sometimes it was very difficult, but I tried as much as I could to focus more on spending time with my living children and my husband and how we were still creating special memories together.

Here's a few of my favorite photos from the trip:

At Maroon Bells - near Aspen

On top of Aspen Mountain - we did a nature hike with a guide

Bug and Buzz at Maroon Bells

Me and Erik - Maroon Bells

Hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park

All in all, it was a good vacation and I'm so glad that we could go.  Our kids have become wonderful travelers and they really did a good job enduring long days of adventure...sometimes better than this mama! :)  They seemed to really get into hiking and finding treasures.  We look forward to more adventures as a family in the future.

When We Found Out

One year ago today, August 2nd, 2011, we were on a family vacation driving through Michigan, Illinois and Wisconsin.  The first night we were staying in Escanaba, a place of childhood memories for me as I grew up going to Michigan every summer and we would often stay in that town en route.

In the middle of the night, probably 3am one year ago today, I took the test that told us we were expecting a baby...our Solveig.  I was ELATED and tried to contain my joy as I went back to our bed in the room we were sharing with our kids.  Quietly I whispered to Erik the good news.  I do recall a smile spreading across his face, as well as the directive to try to go back to sleep! :)  This news was such a blessing after having had two miscarriages in a row.  We were so hopeful to try again.

Carrying Solveig was an incredible gift and I'll always be so glad that I was able to have her inside of me, even though the outcome of her brief life wasn't as we would have hoped.  She is alive today...rejoicing in Heaven.

Lord, thank you for letting me carry Solveig for as long as I did.  That in itself was a miracle.

Sweet Children...

We just took a little adventure to a feed and farm store to pick up straw for our garden to use as a weed preventative.  I wish I had thought of this much sooner in the season!  Sweet Erik has helped me with the weeding - he's a rockstar in my book.

On our way home from picking up the straw, I thought we should stop at the cemetery for a few minutes.

As we were standing by the grave, Buzz said, "did you ever see her again Mommy?"

I replied, "well, no honey, because she died.  Her body is no longer with us on earth, remember?"

He said, "Oh."

I could've gone on to remind him of how we will see her again in Heaven...that God gave me that lovely picture in a vision of seeing her playing and dancing...but I think he didn't need that explanation today.  And I just wasn't on the top of my game to remember to say it.  I wish I could see her again here.  I sure would love that, but it is not to be.

How we look forward to our reunion.

Meanwhile, there is gardening to be done, clothes to be washed on this lovely warm and bright sunny day, children to laugh and play with and an oven pancake to make for dinner in a few hours...

Thank you Lord, for this wonderful gift of life you have bestowed upon me...these beautiful children who are here...my special husband who is such a gem of a man...we are blessed beyond measure...may we remember that always, even in the midst of the grief journey.

**And thank you, all of you who responded and wrote such kind, encouraging words.  You blessed me so much with that.  And I so appreciate you and your prayers for our family.  Thank you.**

Below are some pictures of Erik with the kids on one of their recent sailing adventures.  Thanks to Grandpa for taking these!

I'm linking today with Tesha's Treasures!  Be sure to check out Tesha's blog and her encouraging words.

Speechless...

Someone named "anonymous" wrote something which I felt was very rude in the comments section on my blog tonight.  It talked about how it wasn't right for me to post pictures of my dead baby on the internet and how this must be harmful for my family to write a post like that.  Whoever you are, I didn't appreciate what you said and quite honestly it hurt.  This is my blog and it is my way to process my grief and the life of my daughter which was so brief.  Please respect that.  And know that I have gotten help, am getting help and will continue to get help as I feel led to do so.  And for the record...the pictures that we have of our daughter are very precious to us.  I have chosen to show a FEW of them online - the ones which I feel are okay to show.

Someday when you lose someone very close to you that you love, I think you will understand more fully just how deep grief goes and how it is not possible to just move on right away.  I'm doing my best to do just that and living my life fully.  You just don't always see that here through this venue, as this is a TINY glimpse into my everyday life.  But I WILL continue to blog here, and I will continue to share my thoughts and my feelings.  And if you don't want to read it or see it, well then maybe you shouldn't be reading my blog.

With all due respect...please consider very carefully next time what you choose to say in the comments section of my blog or someone else's blog who has gone through a loss...and filter what you choose to say to people like me when you are speaking face to face...