Red and Blue

If you know me well at all, you probably know that I am a dreamer.  Not only do I tend to have vivid dreams in color in my sleep, but I also am a dreamer in the sense of having big dreams for my life...places I want to go, things I want to see and do and ways I wish to improve myself.  Perhaps I'm often just a wishful thinker, but I think that having dreams for one's life is a way more interesting way to live than to be without a dream.

Well, a few nights ago I had a most vivid dream about our new baby boy who currently resides in my womb.  I dreamed that he was born and that he came out with bright red hair and bold blue eyes!  Both of us have red hair and blue eyes in our families, but they are definitely not dominant traits for either of our families.  Wouldn't it be fun to have a little red headed, blue eyed boy in our world?

It will be fun to see what he really looks like.  I'm guessing he'll have brown hair and brown eyes...or hazel eyes like Erik and I truly have.

Maybe we'll get to find out in about three + months...Lord willing.

For now, may this little one stay safe inside of me punching and kicking away.  I'm somewhat encouraged when I feel him doing just that.  Feeling life is a gift.

May you dream big in this new year.  May the Lord bless your dreams and your pursuits.  And may you not be without a dream and a passion.

As my college voice teacher and friend told me, "shoot for the stars!  God will place you where He wants you to be!"  I still love that and ascribe to live that way.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Stockings

We were blessed to be able to spend Christmas and a few days after with family on both sides.  Leading up to Christmas, I wasn't sure how I would feel about things.  It was much harder than I thought it would be.  The weight of not having Solveig with us struck again as I imagined her trying to tug ornaments off of the tree or opening a present for the first time.  She would have been 10 months old this month, December 29th.  I didn't think I would care if there were no stocking hung by our fireplace with her name, but I did.  So I decided after we had already hung our other stockings to go ahead and order a stocking with her name embroidered on it.  I know she isn't here to receive gifts, but I would like to start a tradition of writing notes or letters to her and placing them in the stocking.  My hope was to do this tradition beginning this year, but it didn't happen...yet.  The stockings are still hung so I suppose we could go ahead with it, or we could wait.  Once that stocking came in the mail and I was able to hang it with the rest of our stockings, it felt right.

Solveig's stocking has two girls figure skating on a pond.  It took me awhile to decide which one I would choose for her, but that one seemed to fit.  I love to imagine the things that Solveig and her big sister Bug would've done together.  Since we love to skate here in the north land, I knew that the skating stocking was just right for our little girl.  Bug's stocking has an angel on it, holding a lamb.  When Bug was little, I used to think of her as God's precious little lamb.  But now, the picture on the stocking also makes me think of a big sister, holding her little sister in her arms.

It felt odd to not have our baby with us for one of our most special holiday times, but I know that where she is in Heaven there is way more rejoicing going on than there ever could be here on earth.  For she is living with the King of kings and Lord of lords...Jesus Christ, our Savior.  Her Christmas in Heaven must have been something spectacular.

And one day, we will join her again.  The Christmas celebrations of earth will fade into the past as we will live in the present.  Our hearts will burst with praise, and we will know no more pain or suffering.

That will be a glorious day.

Good News

Again, I find myself in a place of wondering why it has taken me so long to post on this blog.  This fall has been insanely busy for me, with wonderful things taking my time...teaching at home, teaching an online college class, singing in a Christmas opera, working on Solveig's boxes and so much more.  But there is one thing which I haven't been able to share until now.  I have waited and waited to share this very important detail because I just didn't feel it was the right time.  But now I feel it is time.

There is a new little baby growing inside of me and HE is doing very well!  I am now at 21+ weeks gestation and it is hard to believe that I'm over halfway to the optimal finish line.  To say this is an emotional journey is definitely the understatement of the year.  And yet there are moments where I find myself smiling, hoping and praying that maybe this precious boy will make it out of me alive.  He is such a blessing and we are immensely grateful for this new life.

This time around, I'm working with an incredible group of perinatologists - high risk obstetricians.  It feels so wonderful to be going to a different clinic, as much as I love my other doctors.  Because of how traumatic everything was with Solveig, and because I am considered high risk for many reasons, there is an element of needing to be working with this group.  The one thing that will remain the same is that I will deliver at the same hospital.  That for me has a level of comfort involved as I very well know that place and some of the people working there.  Even though we experienced such a difficult time in that hospital, we have also had moments of joy there and moments of hope.  That was the one home that Solveig had outside my body, even though she was already gone, so that is one thing that seems special.

Anyway, back to the doctors...the one who I am seeing is such a blessing.  She has been an amazing encouragement, and I feel like God handpicked her just for me.  I appreciate her sensitivity and her kindness, and her amazing attention to detail.  And the nurses are incredible.  All of them worked OB labor and delivery at the hospital for many years before ever taking a job in this clinic, so they are incredibly knowledgable, helpful and comforting.  I may enter that clinic with fright or anxiety at times, but I always leave with peace.  That is an amazing gift.

Solveig will always have a special place in our hearts.  We will always miss her and we will always love her and think of her.  Her little brother will never replace her or be a substitute for her.  He is however such a gift and blessing.  We already love him and I know that love will continue growing as this pregnancy goes on.

Your prayers for this new little man and for the rest of us are so greatly appreciated.  This journey is a challenge, but Lord willing, we may get to know this precious life here on earth in a few months. :)

My due date is at the end of April, but I will most likely be going earlier, depending on how things go.

Thanks for your continued support and prayer.

8 Months Later and The Ornament...

I can hardly believe that it has been a month since I last wrote on this blog.  Life has been very busy, to say the least, and blogging has fallen to the bottom of the priority list I guess! :)

This fall has me teaching 10 private voice students at home, teaching a music appreciation class online for a college, working on Solveig's boxes, studying and preparing an opera role - "The Mother" in Amahl And The Night Visitors, and oh yes...that's right...I'm a mom and a wife and those roles are very much a part of my days as well.  Lots of pots are bubbling and I'm trying to stir them all.  In some ways it is really good to be this busy, because it keeps my brain occupied.  And in some ways it feels overwhelming at times.  Nonetheless, I do feel that God has called me to all of these tasks and roles right now and I'm glad to have them on my plate.

When October 29th rolled around, I had planned to write about Solveig.  But I think it was then or shortly before or after that the massive hurricane/storm happened on the east coast and I just didn't feel like it was right to be writing about my life when many people were losing theirs and struggling to have electricity, food and a clean bed to sleep in.  That struggle continues for them and my heart goes out to them.  I'm praying for God to help all of those in need right now who have been affected by the storm.

So now, a few days later after the 8 month marker, here I am.  It has been 8 months since Solveig came and went, and I can hardly believe that so much time has already passed.  It really doesn't seem possible.  Our sweet girl is still very present in my mind, every day, throughout the day.  Different things make me think of her.  Some of those memories are good and some are really hard.  It is almost like there are tapes of her last days and moments that continue to replay in my mind, and my brain automatically presses the rewind button and the replay button...even though I don't necessarily want to be thinking about it all the time.  It's just there.  Maybe it would be more harmful for me to pretend that the thoughts weren't there - to turn them off, so to speak, and to later have to face the thoughts.  There's just no way that those memories can go unnoticed and hidden for too long before they will naturally come bursting forth like a volcano erupting.

I cry at the most random times.  There can be many days in a row where I don't cry and where I think I'm doing okay, and then something will trigger a memory and I will find myself in a puddle once again.  That's okay though.  I try to just let the tears wash over me, because I know that crying it out is a   much healthier way to deal with my grief than to try to shove it inside.  Besides, I just don't operate that way.  I have to get it all out there, if you know what I mean.

I spent the weekend at a voice teacher conference/student competition a little ways north of here.  It was sort of nice to get away from home and to spend time with my colleagues and friends in the field.  We all descended onto a beautiful college campus where this event has been held for many years now.  Each year at the school, there happens to be a fun little craft fair that always lands on the same weekend as our conference.  Two years ago was the first year that I went to the conference as a teacher and not as a student.  (I used to compete at this competition when I was in college and before I went to grad. school.)  Anyway, when I went two years ago and discovered the craft fair, I was directed by a friend of mine to go and see the beautiful hand painted glass ornaments that some sweet, older ladies create.  Immediately I knew I had found something very unique, and in my opinion, these ornaments are the best part of the craft show.  I met one of the ladies two years ago and asked her if she would please personalize two ornaments for my Bug and Buzz with their names and the years.  One is a dragonfly and I cannot remember right now what the other ornament is.  But the kids love them, and we have put them on our tree the last few years.

This year, I've been wanting to find a special ornament for my Solveig.  I remembered about the ornament ladies at the craft show and sought them out yesterday.  It was there that I met sweet Ingrid and shared with her my story...

"Hi, I bought two of your ornaments a few years ago for my children and they love them."

Ingrid replied, "oh wonderful!  They must be careful with the ornaments so that they don't break them."

"Yes indeed, " I said, "I try to make sure that they are very careful and that they just look at the ornaments and that they don't touch them."

And then, I tried to muster up the strength to ask her what I had been preparing to ask her for a few days..."do you ever paint angels?"

"Yes, I have painted angels before.  What kind of angel were you thinking about?" she said.

My face started to get red, and the tears started to pour out of my eyes.  I could barely speak, but I said, "we lost our baby girl 8 months ago to late term stillbirth...and I was hoping that you could paint me a little baby angel with dark brown hair...her name is Solveig Sofia...and she was born still on February 29, 2012."

Ingrid started to get tears in her eyes as well, and she replied, "yes, of course I can do that for you.  It might take me a little while, but just check back in a little bit."

I kept checking back with Ingrid to see the progress.  It was so incredible to watch this work of art happening before my very eyes.  Ingrid asked me at one point, "what color would you like her robe to be?"

"Pink...pale pink.." was all I could must out of my blubbering mouth.

Ingrid replied, "yes, that was exactly what I was thinking anyway, but I wanted to make sure to confirm it with you first."

A little while later, I came back and the ornament was complete.  She showed it to me to make sure that I would approve.  Of course I did.  It was the most amazing thing to me that someone would create this beautiful ornament to honor my daughter...and the likeness of the painting was so uncanny...there she was with her dark brown hair, not long yet, round face, brown eyes and pink rosy cheeks...just like me...and just like what I think she really would look like if she had life when she was born.  We never did get to see her eyes, so to see a representation of her with brown eyes was just awesome.  I'm sure that's what they would be, as her big brother and sister have brown eyes as well.

Ingrid then said, "This is a gift.  I want you to have this."

Stunned and taken aback, I said, "but Ingrid, I was going to pay you."

"No, no.  I want to give this to you," she replied.

I immediately reached out and gave her a hug and we shared tears.  Sweet Ingrid blessed me in such a deep way with that little glass ornament.  Solveig's name and birthdate also were painted on the ornament.  It is a most precious and unique keepsake that I will always treasure.  Soon I will try to post a picture of it.

God is good.  He shows up in special ways at times when I least expect it...and the ornament from Ingrid and her kindness and understanding to me are some of those special ways.  That goodness is some of what keeps me going each day.

Thank you Lord, for showing yourself to me and blessing me in my fragility.

Rainbow Trees in Heaven

Precious Buzz has such insightful things to share with me.  Just now while we were eating lunch we were talking about hospitals.  He remembered the hospital where he met his baby sister, Solveig.  I was reminding him how he got to hold her and asked him if he was glad he got to hold her.  He said, "yes."

Then he said, "we didn't get an angel, we just got a baby."  (I think this might have been a thought from  a book that we were given about having an angel instead of a baby.)

We talked about this and I said, "well, our baby died and now she lives with the angels in Heaven.  So I guess she's kind of like an angel for us."

He said, "but I wonder it there are trees in Heaven."

I replied, "yes Honey, I bet there are lots of beautiful trees...and I imagine that they look much different than any of the trees that we see here on earth."

Buzz said with joy on his face, "the trees in Heaven are all different colors of the rainbow!"

I smiled too and said, "I bet they are Honey!  They are probably so gorgeous!  Are you excited to see them?"

"Yes," he simply replied.  And then he started singing a song about the trees and their many colors.

Oh he is such a gem, that kid.  I love his thoughts about Heaven, and I absolutely cherish the times that we can have these conversations.

Solveig's Boxes - How You Can Help!

This is the letter I just sent via email to family and friends.  I thought I should post it here as well.

Dear Friends & Family,

As you may or may not already know, I have taken on a volunteer project through United Hospital (with full support by my dear Erik!).  The project is to create 100 comfort boxes over the course of this next year for families who have lost babies due to miscarriage, stillbirth or early neonatal death.  Attached to this email is a list of all the items proposed to be a part of the boxes.  I recently put together my "sample" box for the hospital foundation who will approve the box before all 100 of the them can be made.

We received a box much like the ones we are putting together.  It was in our room before we delivered our Solveig Sofia in February.  We looked inside the box and we were so overwhelmed by the generosity of whoever had put this together for us and also overwhelmed that we were in a position to qualify for the need of such a box.  The items in that box helped us to be able to honor our Solveig, and to commemorate her life in the precious few hours that we had with her after she was born still.  

A few weeks after we lost Solveig, we began attending a support group at United for people like us who have lost babies.  The facilitator of the group is named Annette and she has been such a lifeline for us.  I asked Annette where the boxes came from and who had put them together.  She told me that the boxes were made by other people like us who had lost babies.  And she said that they were currently looking for a new person to fill the role for at least the next year.  She wondered if I might be interested.  Well of course I immediately knew that this was a great opportunity and also something that I felt incredibly drawn to.  I prayed about it and really felt God leading me to take on this job, and Erik said that he agreed it would be good for me and he was in full support of it.

So here I am!  I'm both excited and honored to be heading up this project in honor of our daughter and all the other little babies whose lives are so short lived.  As you will see when you look at the attached paper with the box contents, you will notice that to create 100 boxes there is quite a price tag totaling an estimated cost of around $6400.  I've done my best to get as many deals and donations as I can while trying to keep the contents very special, purposeful and of good quality.  The hospital foundation helps to support the project, and they have a specific fund just for this project.  Needless to say, that fund needs continued donations in order to continue on.  

If you feel led to help with this project, there are four ways you can do that:

1.  You can pray for the individuals/families who will be receiving the boxes...for comfort, strength, peace, encouragement, healing...

2.  You can pay me directly and I will put the money towards the items that I need to purchase for the boxes.  I won't have to ask the hospital to refund me for these funds which are donated towards me.  That is what I do otherwise - I purchase items and they will refund me.

3.  You can donate to the hospital foundation.  Here's the information for that - 

Make your check to - "United Hospital Foundation"

**Please make sure to include a post-it note indicating that you would like the money to go towards the "Olivia Fund." 

Address:

United Hospital Foundation

333 North Smith Avenue

St. Paul MN 55102

4.  You can give of your time and talents! :)  I need helpers to come over and help me with various projects related to the boxes as well as the packing of the boxes.  My MOPS group will be helping to pack probably at least 50 boxes in October!  And I have a group coming over from the hospital soon!  I also hope to have a box packing time just for family members.  But before those packing projects can happen, I need help with things like filling tiny soap bottles with lavender baby wash, filling pouches with rice mixed with essential oils to make comfort warmers, sewing the comfort warmer pouches, stringing beads to create bracelets, clamping and doing wire wrapping for the bracelets, etc...

If you are interested in helping me tangibly, please email me back and I will put your name into Evite so that I can send you a formal invitation for specific work nights/days.  Or if you are someone who can do the above mentioned sewing of pouches (think bean bag like form and the fabric is already cut) or someone who can do the bracelet clamping/wire wrapping, please let me know asap!

Thanks so much for your support in this effort.  We were so encouraged with the lemonade and cookie stand which we held recently to help raise money for this effort!  From two hours outside selling cookies and lemonade we brought in $164!!!  Then later that week we were given more money and the total went up to $280!  THANK YOU!!!!! :)

And thank you for your support and encouragement to our family following the loss of our little Solveig.  We sure miss her and wish that she could be with us on earth.  We really look forward to being reunited with her in Heaven.

If you haven't already seen it, I have been blogging our journey: http://singermamamelody.blogspot.com.

Thank you for considering this.

Sincerely,

Melody, Erik & kids

**Here's the contents list - the attachment that I sent with the email...fyi, the formatting is all goofy here and there is also a picture of Solveig that should be at the top of the paper.***

Items

Packed in a white photo storage box

*found at Michael’s Craft Stores, $1.66-2 each

Handprint/Footprint memory kit, White Crayola Model Magic & white ribbon

*$3-4 Michael’s or Joann

Willow Tree Angel memory box for hair clippings, hospital bracelet, baby cap, etc.

*provided at cost by Hallmark store; around $18 each

Book, Empty Cradle, Broken Heart by Dr. Deborah Davis

*provided by Fulcrum publisher; 51% discount – around $9.95 each

Book, When A Child Dies: A Resource For Families

by Trina Charles & Heidi Ciepielinski

*provided for a price if $8.95 each + tax & shipping

*contact Trina Charles – 320-763-6317

Small teddy bear

*Around $5 - provided at discounted rate by Hallmark store

Soft, homemade flannel blanket

*some fabric and sewing time donated by Bundles of Love,

but may have to buy some fabric…

Soft, homemade flannel comfort warmer

with rice & essential oils inside

*each warmer should cost around $2

* Bulk Jasmine rice - $17.32 for 10 lbs?

*Lavender and rosemary or lavender and orange essential oils - donated

*flannel “beanbag” like pouch handsewn by volunteers – will match the corresponding

blanket for each box – some flannel donated also by Bundles of Love, but may need to purchase some

*to be used along with the blanket to help warm the baby – can be heated in the microwave to

release essential oils…can also use after baby is gone, along with the blanket and a stuffed bear for comfort

Mini-Bar of Handmade Goatmilk Soap, Lavender scented

*for the mom…same scent as the baby soap

*these are made and donated by my friend Keri

*http://www.etsy.com/shop/twentyseven27soap

Washcloth & small bottle of liquid lavender-scented baby bath soap

*washcloths from Babies R Us & Marshalls – about $32 total - $0.32 ea

*baby bath – Walmar t - $3.34 Walmart for 16 oz. – approximately 6 bottles needed to

divide into 1 oz. amounts = $20.04 total = $0.20 for each bottle

*travel size bath soap bottle – MidwestBottles.com - $0.25 each

*total for each bath soap/washcloth combo = $0.77 each

Small packet of facial tissues

*Target or Walmart – around $0.33 ea.

Handcrafted, beaded bracelet with footprint charm

*$5 each – beads purchased through jeweler friend…some portions donated by that friend.

*beading to be completed by us, friends & family and finishing touches donated time by jeweler friend. 

Journal & Pen

*journals found in dollar section at Michael’s and Target - $0.50 ea

*ballpoint pens – Target - $4 total – 100 pens - $0.25 each

CD- piano lullabies by John Albert Thomas – “Now I Sleep”

*50% off bereavement rate – total price = $7.50 – John Albert Thomas pays shipping

Estimated Cost Per Box = $64

50 boxes = $3,200 100 boxes = $6,400

Another Conversation About Heaven

This morning, my sweet boy and I had a beautiful conversation about Heaven.  It went something like this...

"Buzz, I will always love you.  Please remember that I will always love you."

Buzz said, "even when you die?  Will you still love me then?"

Mama replied, "yes Buzz, I believe that I will.  Because the Bible says that we will recognize our loved ones in Heaven.  So I will know you and I will still love you!"

He said, "but there won't be any toys in Heaven."

I said, "well I don't know for sure about that part.  Maybe there will be some toys.  But more importantly, we're going to be so in awe of Jesus that nothing else is going to matter.  Everything in Heaven will be amazing."

Buzz then inquired, "will there be food in Heaven?"

I said, "yes, Honey, there will be lots of food!  In the Bible it talks about having a feast in Heaven!"

He then said, "but the streets are made of gold and that will hurt!"

I replied after thinking for a moment, "you mean, if you fall down on the gold streets it might hurt?"

"Yes," he said, "it would hurt.  I fall down a lot and get hurt a lot."

"Well, I don't think it will hurt because nothing is supposed to hurt anymore in Heaven.  There will be no more tears, no more pain and no more suffering," I said.

Buzz looked at my face and saw some tears and began wiping them away.  He said, "you have a tear on your cheek."

"Yes Honey, I do have a tear.  I'm crying because I'm missing your sister Solveig right now.  But she is in Heaven and she is having a wonderful time there."  Then I asked, "do you miss her?"

In his sweet big brother voice he said, "yes, I miss her...so much."

Be still my sad heart...this brother has such an affection for the baby sister whose shell he didn't know for more than an hour.  What a gift that he still cares for her.  And I hope he always remembers her.  I think he will, simply by virtue of the fact that we talk about her and look at her photos often.

I told him, "I'm so sorry that you didn't get to grow up with her on earth.  But when we get to Heaven, we will see her again and that will be amazing."

I held that little man for the longest time and the tears continue to stream down my face as I type this.  My gratefulness for the two who remain in my arms here on earth is full today.  I love them with a depth I never knew to be humanly possible.  And I cherish our moments that we have.

Thank you Lord for the gift of life.  May we spend it wisely.

He was so proud to hold her and to be a big brother...he didn't even seem to mind that she was no longer with us in spirit and that her skin was turning purple...