Solveig's Birthday - 3 Years Later…Part One

I have been struggling with how to write this post and have been contemplating it for weeks now.  So I decided it was time to just sit down and start typing.  It has been almost a year since I last blogged.  I have been so busy living life…and that is a beautiful thing.  I just didn't feel the need to blog.  But now I guess I do.

A few days ago we celebrated Solveig Sofia's 3rd birthday.  While she is in Heaven, we still like to celebrate, remember, and honor her here on Earth.  But let me back up.

Beginning in January, my heart gets a sinking feeling.  It is that time of year, I remind myself.  The time of year when I was carrying my little girl and was being seen in the clinic all the time.  It is often bleak in our midwinter here in MN.  After Christmas and New Years Eve have passed and the days are cold and long, I find myself often struggling to be filled with joy.  I think some of that has to do with seasonal sadness, but I think it also has to do with Solveig's impending birthday.  This year I think I may have done a little better than the last two prior to it.  I just feel like I am in a better place emotionally, overall.  But a few weeks prior to her birthday, I had a really tough weekend.  I was just so sad as I realized that her day was arriving.  And it is not just the actual day of the birth that is typically challenging.  It is all of the marked days leading up to it and the days following it…

The day I had my last ultrasound when I was told that she wasn't growing and they would do another ultrasound the following Monday (that would never happen)…this was on a Monday.

The day I woke up to her having a seizure inside of me and flailing rapidly 200 times…Friday.

The day we went about our life, even though that night before I told Erik that something felt really wrong…and I didn't feel her move except for shifting a couple of times…Saturday.

The day we continued to go about our life, even though I really felt wrong about going to church…I felt sick in my spirit the entire time because I knew that she was gone…Sunday.

It was that last night, Sunday, that we went into the hospital and had the confirmation that she was gone.  That was beyond hard.  And I can remember it like it was yesterday.

But I'm so glad that we went home and then we had a chance to prepare mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually for what was about to happen two days later.

The day we talked with dear Annette from the hospital and went out shopping for our daughter's one and only outfit for this earth and a beautiful blanket and bracelet…Monday.

The day we went to the hospital to begin our induction for delivery…and we received our special box full of items to help us through this journey…Tuesday.

The day she was born at 8:30 am, weighing 3 lbs 10.6 oz…her tiny, thin body still and her umbilical cord wrapped around her neck three times, around her abdomen and her arm with a true knot in it…Wednesday, February 29, 2012.

The day we met with our pastors and left the hospital, me carrying our daughter in my arms in the car of the funeral director and then planning her funeral…Thursday.

The day we went out to find a suit for her daddy and chose our cemetery…Friday.

The day we held her beautiful funeral service at our church and were reminded that are blessed with so many supportive friends and family who were there to support and encourage us…Saturday.

The day we lay around not knowing what to do…Sunday.

The day we last looked at her body and buried her in a tiny pink casket in cold weather in a very quick graveside service and then had a family lunch…Monday.

Every year I go through those days mentally and emotionally as her birthday happens.  This year, the actual days weren't as hard.  The birthday weekend was really busy and good, and it was also emotionally taxing at times…but so good.  I'm glad that I can now say it was good.

On the 28th, the day we celebrate her birthday when it is not a leap year, our little family went to our local children's museum, played and ate lunch there.  All three kids and us two parents had such a lovely time doing something joyful…something Solveig would have surely liked if she were with us.  It was fun to see our little guy really enjoy the museum this time.  Then we headed home for little Squeaker to take his nap.  After nap, we had dinner at a really fun burger place and then went to the cemetery with our pale pink roses to lay beside her grave and our pink heart balloons to be released.  My sweet friend Natalie had yet again placed a beautiful rose and a note by her stone.  That is so meaningful…someone remembered…a sweet friend remembered my little girl.  Thank you dear Natalie.

Interestingly enough, when we went to release the pink balloons, only one of our six balloons flew away…

the other balloons got stuck in the tree.

Wow.

It was so symbolic.  It was a reminder that our little girl flew to Heaven and we are here yet on Earth.  We are stuck in that tree.  We are not meant to be with her yet.  God has more for us to do here.  It was good for my mama's heart that often just yearns to be with her and our other family and loved ones in Heaven.

We are supposed to be here right now.

Lord, show us what it is that you wish for us to do and how you wish for us to live our lives.  Help us to live well and love well.

There is more to say…it will come soon…

Thank you for your continued support, love and prayers for our family.  It means so much.