Mom & Me Necklaces

**Wow...here is a long lost post that I just found!  I wrote this May 2012 for Mother's Day.**

A month or so after we lost Solveig, a beautiful surprise arrived in the mail.  Our sweet friends Jo and Toby had a necklace made just for me.  It is from The Vin_tage Pe_arl and I love it.  What's so special about it is that it honors all five of my babies...the two living ones and the three who are in Heaven.  (this should really say six babies, but of course it was written originally pre-Squeaker) The kids' initials are on tiny, silver charms.  Each charm is unique for each unique child.  And for my two miscarried babies who don't yet have names, Jo honored them with two tiny white pearls.

Thank you so much Jo and Toby.  This necklace is just stunning and I wear it a lot!!!

(I decided to not post the picture of my necklace on the blog as it has my kids' initials...AND, I just ordered a charm for our little "Squeaker" so that I can wear the necklace again in honor of all of our kids!)

I was so inspired by this necklace and decided that my mom needed to have one just like it to honor her and to commemorate her five babies that she brought into this world...three living, and two who are in Heaven.  Mom and Dad had conjoined twins that were miscarried at around four months.  Mom talks about how they were so tiny and she could hold them in her hands.  I can't wait to meet them in Heaven one day.  I've always wondered if they'll still be conjoined there or if they'll be in their own single bodies.

For Mother's Day, we gave the necklace to my sweet mom.  She has been and continues to be a blessing in our lives and I'm so grateful for her.  I love you, Mom.

Erik, Joel & Melody...and two small pearls for the twins...and one large one just
 because it came with the necklace.  My necklace is really similar to the one above.

Me and my mama...the sweetest mom I could ever imagine.

I made Paula Deen's Lemon Cake for Mother's Day.

If you or someone you know could use some encouragement, I can tell you that giving a piece of jewelry to honor that person or their loved ones is so special and can mean so much.  I'll always love my special jewelry that honors my babies, and I'm so grateful to have it.  You can find a lot of these kinds of things for very inexpensive prices nowadays - it doesn't have to be fancy or cost a lot.

Blessings to you.

18 Months Later...

Today marks 18 months since Solveig was born silently into our world...into our lives forever.  There are a lot of months that go by that don't seem so significant, and I'll completely miss the 29th day.  But for whatever reason this month I have been thinking so much about her and thinking about how she would be a year and a half old.  Wow!  Last night it hit me really hard and I was so sad.  I've been noticing other little ones who are around that age, and I've enjoyed seeing them toddling around getting into mischief, playing heartily, smiling and laughing...all the things that our little one would be doing too.  It usually helps to see the other kids at the age she would be at.  I remember my friend Lea telling me that she will always notice children who are at the age her little Johnny would be at.  Johnny would be almost five and a half now...just a few months older than our little Buzz...he died when he was just four months old from heart problems.  I miss him too and think of him so often.  Hugs to you, Lea and Dave and family.

So much has happened in these last few years.  We lost three children to Heaven.  We gained one to our earthly family.  My brother died.  There has been a lot of grief and sadness.  And there has also been a lot of joy in the midst of the sadness.  After we lost Solveig, I wondered if I would ever be happy again.  I didn't think it would be possible to ever find joy again.  But I did.  I have.  Then my brother Joel died and I thought the same thing...will I ever be filled with joy again?  Why is there so much sadness in this earthly life we live?  Why do people I love keep dying?  Why does it have to hurt so much?  But God has given me new hope and new joy.  Our little Squeaker has been such a help during this season of hurt.  He has brought much joy.  He will never replace his big sister Solveig...he is his own person, and we are so glad that he is.  She will always hold a special place in our hearts.  We will always talk about her and remember her.  I think of her every day...sometimes with heaviness and sometimes with happiness.  But either way, I'm grateful for the place that she has in our family.  I'm so glad that we had her.  I wouldn't want to take her out of the picture, for she has shaped who I am today.  I'll never be the same.  Some of my innocence is gone, but there is a new awareness of life and its fragility.  There is a deeper sense of gratitude for the children who are here with us, for my husband, for every moment that we live and breathe.  These are all gifts from God.  I don't believe that I will ever take these gifts for granted.  I don't think I could.

Sweet Solveig, I hope you are getting into a healthy dose of mischief in Heaven today. :)  I hope that you are having a lot of fun playing with all the animals, spending time with family members and friends who love you, eating yummy food, singing songs and banging on instruments, hugging Jesus and enjoying the life that you have.  We sure do miss you here, and we can't wait to see you again.  I can't wait to hear you singing songs.  Thank you for changing our lives forever.  We're so grateful for you.

Love,
Mama

Missing Her...

We just got back from a lovely family escape to the North Shore of our North Star state.  It was so good to be away, becoming more rooted as a family of five on this earth.  The idea of the five of us is becoming more and more comfortable and right.  But there are still many days that the awareness of Solveig missing is apparent to me...and today is one of them.

In the midst of digging out my mess of an office space I came upon some more ultrasound photos from our sweet girl, dated 2/13/12...just 16 days before she was delivered still into our world.  I thought I had already placed all of the ultrasound photos in her scrapbook, but here were some more.  Her eyes were open, her face turned towards the camera, and I could see the cord near her neck, wrapped around it.  That darn cord.  Still some days I really struggle with that part, seeing the object that was supposed to give her life but ended up taking her life.  You might be saying to yourself, "but this loss happened a year and a half ago...how can she still struggle with that?"  True, it did happen that long ago.  But I will always miss my girl.  And the depth of grief and loss has not fully departed from me.  I don't think a person can just all the sudden stop grieving after a year, after two years, after however many years you want to put on it.  There just isn't a specific timeline for grief, nor should there be.  You must know that there are a lot of great days, even weeks and months where I don't feel really down over our loss.  But then it strikes like a bolt of lightning and catches me unaware.  And for a moment time seems to stop.  And I can't do anything for a bit...except to write.

She should be here too.

How my soul longs to reunite with our daughter, with our two other little babies that we never got to hold in our arms and with my brother Joel.  Heaven will be glorious.  I know it will be.  And I will look forward to being there.

For now, Lord help me and my grieving heart learn to live on this earth in the way you wish me to.  I need your help.  Amen.