Since Solveig Sofia was born on February 29th, the day that doesn't exist except for every four years, we decided that we would honor her life on the 28th unless it is a leap year. Today was that day. It is hard to believe that it has already been one year since our precious angel was born into Heaven. Some of the days we have endured in this year have seemed so long. There were days I just wanted to crawl into a hole and not come out for a very long time. And other days, particularly as we moved further into the year, I was truly able to find enjoyment and peace. Overall there has been a sense of peace. I really have felt God's presence with me and with us even in those darkest moments. That is something that I am so grateful for, and something of which I never desire to let go.
So today, the big one year anniversary of our baby's birth and death, we decided to do some really special things together as a family. Our hope was originally that Erik and I would be able to go to the hospital to the room where we delivered Solveig. There is a need for me especially to make peace with that sacred space, listen to music that we heard during the delivery and afterwards, and just reminisce about our daughter in the place where we first met her...and where we spent the most time with her. Unfortunately for us, the room that we used has been occupied today. So we will hope to go there sometime in the next week if it works out.
Since our hospital date didn't work out, we slightly altered some of our plans. We took the kids to our wonderful museum for young ones where we made homemade paper, worked on an assembly line, delivered mail, and swung through the jungle and went to the moon with the cartoon characters who speak Sp_anish. It really was fun to do something joyful that Solveig would've also enjoyed if she had been with us. After playing hard for a few hours, we made our way to an As_ian restaurant for stir fried goodness. Then it was onto the grocery store to get some pink roses, or in this case today pink tipped white roses as that was all they had. And we picked up six pink balloons from the party store.
We made our way to the cemetery in the country where the snow was covering the ground in a white blanket, just as it was almost a year ago when we first buried our little girl. I noticed as we drove up that there was already a freshly laid flower at the grave and I was so curious about it. With roses in tow, we walked to the grave where we found that beautiful pink rose and a note from my sweet friend Natalie and her family. What a blessing to have friends and family who have been there for us through this journey and who have been remembering us with calls, flowers, cards, emails, etc. We are so grateful. Thank you dear Natalie. And thank you to the many others who have shown us your love.
We took turns laying our roses at the grave. For some reason, the kids decided it would be cool to place each of their flowers on top of the headstone rather than by the ground. Then we got out our six light pink balloons, just like the ones we had last year when we buried Solveig. (Six balloons were for the four kids, including this little one inside of me, and us two parents. I didn't intentionally leave out our two miscarried babies - and now that I think of it, I wish I had gotten two more balloons.) We decided to release the balloons together as a group, but didn't think about the fact that the ribbons were sort of stuck together. What ensued brought great laughter as our balloons flew up in the wind and got lodged into a nearby tree where one quickly popped. We decided that the one that popped must have been Solveig's balloon, and that maybe she was kind of laughing at us! Erik said that she might have been thinking, "hey guys, I beat you! I got here first!" Shortly after that balloon popped, one of the remaining five balloons let loose and flew into the sky. That made me think of her spirit flying to Heaven. We reminded the kids that the reason we did the balloon release and visited the cemetery was so that they could remember that our bodies are not meant for this earth, and that we will all die someday and we do not need to fear death. We told them again that we have hope in the resurrection of Jesus - hope in Heaven where we can also look forward to being reunited with Solveig and our two miscarried babies.
After Erik and I hugged and we were chilled enough from the brisk air, we left the cemetery and headed with Bailey dog to the dog park. It was fun to take a loop around the park with the kids and to see Bailey enjoying herself with the small pack that was there. We promised the kids that there was something "chaud" for them after the dog park. They didn't know that word in Fre_nch yet, but kept trying to figure it out. Once we got home, we made some hot cocoa (our something chaud - "hot") and warmed up a bit.
After a rest, I made some almond buttercream frosting for the vanilla cake I baked yesterday and set out decorating the cake. I just wanted it to be simple and had bought some raspberries to place around it. I found some candy decors that I could use to write Solveig's name and placed one little pink candle on top. We decorated the table with a simple pink tablecloth and some girly butterfly plates and napkins. And then the feast began...hot dogs, baked beans and salad. We just wanted to have something simple, and the beans and hot dogs we felt would've been enjoyed by a one year old.
When it was time to sing and have cake, I was videotaping and could barely choke out half of the words for the birthday song. It struck me again that the baby we were singing to was not physically with us. But you know what else struck me today? Her birthday in Heaven must be much greater than any birthday could ever be here on earth. I can hardly wait to join her there to celebrate more birthdays.
For now, we will continue to honor our daughter and celebrate her short yet valuable life here on this earth.
Solveig Sofia, I love you sweet girl. Your mama misses you so much. I wish I could hug and kiss you and feed you your birthday cake...and sing songs to you and rock you and lay you down in your crib to sleep. We will never forget you. Your life mattered and always will.
