It finally happened today. We were able to go to our hospital and spend time in the room where we delivered Solveig one year ago. Over the last few days, I called several times to see if and when the room might be available. Each time I called it was occupied, which I totally understand. However, this morning when I called it was open. We quickly got ourselves ready to go to the hospital before the room would be occupied once again. Thankfully, the nurse that I was working with said that she could save it for me for awhile this morning which was incredibly sweet of her.
Before we left, I made a new batch of frosting for some cupcakes that we baked the other day. I really wanted to bring the staff a treat in honor of Solveig's birthday. They weren't fancy looking, but goodness, they sure tasted great. One of these days I'll figure out how to make cupcakes look more fancy.
The kids were in good hands with my parents who had agreed to care for them while we went to the hospital. When we arrived, we walked in with cupcakes in hand as well as a card to thank our wonderful staff, a program from Solveig's funeral and the photo card that we sent out around the holidays. Sweet Vicki, our nurse that helped arrange this time in the room brought us to the room and let us have some time to ourselves.
For the next hour, Erik and I spent time looking at all of our photos from our short time with Solveig, listened to the music that we listened to during her delivery and afterwards, talked, cried and prayed together. It was such a healing time for us and I'm so grateful that we chose to do this. Erik said to me at one point, "it is so sad to think of this life that could've been." I agree sweet man, and I'm so glad that you could verbalize that point. It is incredibly hard and yet somewhat sweet to imagine what our little love may have been up to one year later. Maybe she would have been getting into everything, crawling all over the place, pulling herself up on furniture, eating hunks of solid foods, giggling and talking, perhaps walking or preparing to walk. But I think what my dear husband was more referring to was not just these baby moments. I think he was instead probably referring to all of the phases of life which she is missing here on earth...the phases that we are missing with her as a family. We aren't watching her grow up as we are our other children. And often times when I see them doing different activities, I imagine little Solveig along with them and what it would've been like to have her along with us. We don't get to see Solveig play the piano, sing in the children's choir, dance in a ballet, play soccer, create art masterpieces, run around the yard with the dog, ride a bike, learn things in school and so much more. It's hard to imagine those things.
But I imagine also that she is watching us from the greatest castle in Heaven. She is playing on Heaven's playground with different children and all kinds of animals. She must be singing in the choir and playing instruments. Or maybe she would have been tone deaf...who knows! :) But whatever the case, even though we're missing out on these earthly moments with our baby girl, this life is such a blip on the radar of eternity. When we are in Heaven forever, we will probably look back on this life here and wonder why we were so worried about so many things. We will probably be so enamored with the splendor of God and His glory. And our reunions with our loved ones will be so precious. I can hardly wait.
We will see you again Solveig. There will be no more what could've beens. There will only be what is. And that will be magnificent. Until then, may you rest peacefully tonight and always in Heaven.
