Solveig's Birthday - 2 years

This is long…just so you know.

Numb.  I am numb right now as I begin typing this post.  And yet I feel the need to write, so here I go.

For many days and weeks leading up to Solveig's birthday, I had a lot of great moments.  I was really feeling good about things and only periodically did I have a meltdown.  But yesterday and today I had some really difficult moments.

Yesterday was February 28th.  We have decided that we will choose to celebrate Solveig's birthday on the 28th, since her birthday landed so interestingly on the 29th.  There are a lot of times that it bothers me that we don't get to have her birthday on the actual date.  But it's okay.  Really, that shouldn't matter so much.  I think that maybe one reason why I wish we could have the 29th of February every year is that for me it would just validate Solveig's life all the more, in my mind.  But she was valid.  Indeed.  She did exist.  And I believe that she still exists in Heaven.  Her spirit is there.  So whether or not her birthdate on earth is available to us on paper each year, we can still honor her life.

For Solveig's birthday, we ended up doing pretty much a repeat of last year's festivities.  We allowed our kids to skip school because this is important to us.  And we took them to the local kids museum where they had a wonderful time playing and imagining all sorts of adventures.  Mr. Squeaker finally fell asleep in his stroller and took a brief nap, which allowed him to be somewhat human for the rest of our time at the museum.  I think he didn't want to miss out on all the fun though.  It was nice to have him along with us this year, outside of my womb, alive and well.  Just another healing mark on the journey.

Spending quality fun time with our Bug and Buzz was so important to me and to Erik.  It felt so healthy to be laughing and enjoying them.  We played together, and I felt so free.  At home it's so easy to get into our routines…go, go, go all day long…and I truly feel like we don't take enough time to just stop and play with our kids.  So it felt like such a gift to have that time at the museum with them.

One interesting thing that happened while we were at the museum was that our kids were playing in this mock river dam setup.  There were about 5 plastic water creature toys to about 20 grappling children.  Perhaps some of the regular toys that live in that river had been stashed in a nearby hole or something, but it was kind of interesting to see the kids trying to negotiate who would get what toy or if they'd get one at all.  My sweet boy was playing with a little red lobster toy when all of the sudden, a younger, bossier little blonde girl from a preschool group came rushing up and grabbed the lobster hastily out of Buzzy's hands.  He just stood there in shock and awe and didn't know what to do or how to respond.  I so wanted to grab it back for him, but of course that wouldn't be helpful now, would it?  After watching that child not only take the toy but also claim one of the other five available toys per 20 kid capita, I politely said to her, "would you mind please sharing one of those toys since you have two?"  She just stared at me and made some little annoyed sound and rushed off to something else.  I think she was about four.  Anyway, Buzz was so sad.  I told him that he handled the situation politely by not grabbing it back from her.  But that he could also choose to say something along the lines of, "it isn't polite to steal a toy from someone.  Next time you could ask, 'please may I have that toy?'  Poor kid…guess we need to work on healthy confrontational skills some more…but his peacemaker ways are very sweet too. I did end up writing a comment on the comment cards asking if they could perhaps add a few more toys to the river dam…

Alas…I digress.

After thoroughly enjoying the museum and capping off our visit with some face painting where Buzz decided to paint his face entirely green to look like an alien and Bug decided to paint hers like a tropical bird, we headed off to a nearby restaurant for some delicious eats.  It was then home to nap the little Squeaker and exhausted parents, and then rev up for another part of the day.

Daddy went out and bought some light pink balloons and some light pink roses.  We went to our cemetery after nap time.  And in very cold weather, perhaps 5 degrees Fahrenheit, we climbed over the deep snow to Solveig's grave with Baby wrapped up in his warm bundle and blankets over his head and around his body.  When Daddy had the camera tripod all set for a few pics, we quickly unveiled our Squeaker's blanket shrouded head and took several pictures of us standing by the stone as a family. Then it was time for laying the roses by her stone and also releasing the balloons.  This year, the balloons were able to gracefully fly into the sky.  But just like last year, one balloon somehow got a little bit stuck and did its own thing!  That to me was so symbolic of Solveig, going on her way to Heaven separate from us.  It made us giggle a little bit.

Buzz said, "I hope the balloons make it all the way to Heaven!"

I cried and said, "Me too Buddy!  Me too."

We finished our little ceremonial time and headed back home to make dinner out of leftovers.  Wow, my creative juices were shot I guess.  I had great intentions of making a special dinner, but that wasn't meant to be.  However, I did make up some homemade vanilla cupcakes the night before and had them frozen so they would be easy to frost.  The kids helped me to make some light pink frosting.  And I sat and decorated cupcakes with them.  Buzz wanted just gobs of frosting and no sprinkles on his.  And Bug spent a lot of time adding TONS of sprinkles on hers!  Again, it felt so good to just do something fun with them.  The kids sang several different renditions of Happy Birthday.

Today, March 1st, we had a birthday breakfast of homemade crepes with fruit, whipped cream and maple syrup.  It was my first time making crepes, so lets just say that there were a LOT of flopped pancakes.  But they still tasted delicious.  After kind of a slow day, I ended up going out for some big box store therapy grocery shopping.  It felt good to get out of the house.  And then after supper tonight we had a chance to do some more reminiscing with our kids.

We got out our pale pink scrapbook with Solveig's photos and big purple storage bin that has Solveig's things in it…her white blanket and pink bear that I basically lived with until after Squeaker was born over a year later, the hundreds of sympathy cards that loving people sent to us (I read about half of them again tonight and wept…thank you, friends), the candles that were used at her funeral that I cannot bear to part with or use yet, the outfits that friends and family gave to us in preparation for our daughter that I still cannot get rid of and I think I may always keep, the mini strawberry dress that matched big sister Bug's strawberry dress…purchased just a week before Solveig died inside of me, the box that was given to us at the hospital in loving memory of a little boy named Colton, (the inspiration for me taking on the box project that his parents used to be a part of), her footprints and handprints…so delicate and tiny, her dark brown hair clippings inside the Tress Press…the same dark hair as her sister Bug and brother Squeaker…it was really good but really hard to look at these things.

Part way through going over the memory items, my sweet seven year old Bug said, "Mom, I can tell that you are getting really teary.  Perhaps this has been enough for one day."  Bless her heart.

I said, "Honey, it's okay that I'm crying.  It's okay to be sad about this and to look at Solveig's things.  But thank you so much for being sensitive and for caring so much about your mama."

Then Buzz said as he was looking at the photos of Solveig, "I miss Solveig so much.  I can't wait to see her again."

I said, "I know, Honey.  We all feel the same way."

My sweet husband was soaking in all of the mementos.  He was looking at it all and holding back the tears in his eyes.  What especially caught him tonight were the photos of him holding Solveig and weeping when we were holding her and bathing her.  Those are some of my favorites…they are so tender and show his depth and love for his daughter.  As he said last year when we visited her hospital room, "It just makes me sad to think about the life that could have been."

Yes, it makes me sad too.  Sometimes it really makes me very sad.

And other days I truly don't feel sad about it like I used to.  I think it is perfectly healthy and good and normal that we dug out all of her things and went through it today…that we spent time thinking about her and talking about her as a family…that we will always remember her out loud…because I don't want our family to ever forget her.  She meant something to us and always will.  She was born.  She was still.  But she was born.

Having our sweet Solveig has changed my life forever.  I feel things more deeply now than I think I could before.  I see other people hurting in a different way than before.  I feel more aware of a lot of things that I think matter in this world.  And I wish that I could help everyone who is in pain.  The reality of course it that I can't do that because I'm just one person.  But I do care.  And I can pray.  I can pray for people…that is something that I can do.  I so long to help other people who are going through the loss of their child, and I am thankful to be able to do some of this.

Thank you for caring about me…about our family…for remembering our daughter with us.  We all miss her very much.  It isn't just me.  We all grieve differently, and that is alright.  But we are learning to process our grief alone and together.  It is still a process.  And I believe it will go on for the rest of our lives, and that is alright.  It is okay to grieve.  And it is healthy to grieve.

And in grieving fully, I believe we are able to more better move forward in our lives.  I truly feel like I am able to "do life" better now than I could two years ago, or one year ago, or even six months ago.  Each day brings new strength that only comes from God.  I could not go on without His love for me.

Blessings and peace, friends.

Thanks Heather Hanson for capturing this photo of my Solveig bear from the Missing Grace Foundation with the kids a few months after we lost her...

I cherish these family photos that we had taken that day.  Thank you Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and Jen Kelly.

Her Room

It finally happened today.  We were able to go to our hospital and spend time in the room where we delivered Solveig one year ago.  Over the last few days, I called several times to see if and when the room might be available.  Each time I called it was occupied, which I totally understand.  However, this morning when I called it was open.  We quickly got ourselves ready to go to the hospital before the room would be occupied once again.  Thankfully, the nurse that I was working with said that she could save it for me for awhile this morning which was incredibly sweet of her.

Before we left, I made a new batch of frosting for some cupcakes that we baked the other day.  I really wanted to bring the staff a treat in honor of Solveig's birthday.  They weren't fancy looking, but goodness, they sure tasted great.  One of these days I'll figure out how to make cupcakes look more fancy.

The kids were in good hands with my parents who had agreed to care for them while we went to the hospital.  When we arrived, we walked in with cupcakes in hand as well as a card to thank our wonderful staff, a program from Solveig's funeral and the photo card that we sent out around the holidays.  Sweet Vicki, our nurse that helped arrange this time in the room brought us to the room and let us have some time to ourselves.

For the next hour, Erik and I spent time looking at all of our photos from our short time with Solveig, listened to the music that we listened to during her delivery and afterwards, talked, cried and prayed together.  It was such a healing time for us and I'm so grateful that we chose to do this.  Erik said to me at one point, "it is so sad to think of this life that could've been."  I agree sweet man, and I'm so glad that you could verbalize that point.  It is incredibly hard and yet somewhat sweet to imagine what our little love may have been up to one year later.  Maybe she would have been getting into everything, crawling all over the place, pulling herself up on furniture, eating hunks of solid foods, giggling and talking, perhaps walking or preparing to walk.  But I think what my dear husband was more referring to was not just these baby moments.  I think he was instead probably referring to all of the phases of life which she is missing here on earth...the phases that we are missing with her as a family.  We aren't watching her grow up as we are our other children.  And often times when I see them doing different activities, I imagine little Solveig along with them and what it would've been like to have her along with us.  We don't get to see Solveig play the piano, sing in the children's choir, dance in a ballet, play soccer, create art masterpieces, run around the yard with the dog, ride a bike, learn things in school and so much more.  It's hard to imagine those things.

But I imagine also that she is watching us from the greatest castle in Heaven.  She is playing on Heaven's playground with different children and all kinds of animals.  She must be singing in the choir and playing instruments.  Or maybe she would have been tone deaf...who knows! :)  But whatever the case, even though we're missing out on these earthly moments with our baby girl, this life is such a blip on the radar of eternity.  When we are in Heaven forever, we will probably look back on this life here and wonder why we were so worried about so many things.  We will probably be so enamored with the splendor of God and His glory.  And our reunions with our loved ones will be so precious.  I can hardly wait.

We will see you again Solveig.  There will be no more what could've beens.  There will only be what is.  And that will be magnificent.  Until then, may you rest peacefully tonight and always in Heaven.

(I posted this picture before...but it is one that I found last year and still need to put up somewhere in our house.  To me, this is Solveig's castle in the clouds.  It reminds me of her in Heaven. :))

Bug and Buzz

One of my classmates from college asked why I call my kids "Bug" and "Buzz" on the blog.  (Hello, "anonymous" classmate. :))  Well, the main reason is that I'm trying to protect their identity in the blog world as there are some cuckoo types out there who might do strange things if they knew my children's names...and this blog can be found out in cyberspace.  Bug and Buzz are the nicknames that our kids have taken on since they were just babies, and we actually call them that a lot of the time in our lives!  

Our daughter "Bug" was so tiny when she was a baby, and I think we just gave her that name because of how small she was...like a bug.  I think it's cute!  Then when Buzz was just a few months old, I asked Bug if Buzz was her buddy, and she said, "No, he's just my Buzz!"  So that's where that name came from - our then two year old.  Very funny.  And honestly, the nickname suits his funny personality quite well.  

There you have it - Bug and Buzz!  They and their daddy are some of my favorite people in the whole wide world, and I love sharing life with them.

Summer 2011 - Buzz Age 3

Bug and her Daddy Erik, Summer 2011 - Bug Age 5

Mother's Day

I'm linking up with Tesha today.  If you're new, please go over to the sidebar and click on my recent posts or on the labels for stillbirth or Solveig if you want to read more about our sweet girl.  She was born still on 2/29/12 at 33.5 weeks gestation, 3 lbs. 11 oz and 18 in. long.  I still need to get some tabs or something at the top of my blog page for different subjects but don't know how to do it.  If you know how, would you please leave me a message?  Thank you so much.

Mothers' Day was two days ago.  It was such a bittersweet day for me.  Sweet because I have two wonderful, adorable kids here on this earth...and bittersweet because I have three babies in Heaven waiting for me.  I wish I could have hugged those three and had them with us for Mother's Day.  I really miss my Solveig as she was the one that I held here on this earth...the one that I carried for 33.5 weeks until learning that she had died prematurely inside of me due to the umbilical cord wrapped around her and a knot in the cord.

One of my sweet friends named Mo prayed over mothers in our Sunday school class on Mother's Day.  She prayed for those of us who have lost babies or who have struggled with infertility or other issues.  She has such a kind, loving heart that seems to have more room than the average heart...and I admire her so very much.  Thank you Mo for your sensitivity to me during this time.  You're a beautiful woman of God and I appreciate you.

In all honesty, it was painful to be at church on Sunday without my littlest, newest baby in my arms.  I felt such a deep emptiness with her missing and yet such a fullness and appreciation for my two living children.  At times I think, "who am I to complain about not having my babies here?  For with me are two of the most beautiful creations I could ever imagine, and I'm incredibly grateful for them."  My gratitude for my little ones is not diminished by my grief, but my grief and loss is ever present and it is not just going to go away today or tomorrow or in another month or year.  I imagine I will feel this pain for a long time.  But I will also find joy amidst the pain, because He does that for me...the Lord also gives me joy.

As I stood in the back of the sanctuary praising God through some of my very favorite worship songs that Sunday, I was so moved by the music and definitely felt the presence of the Holy Spirit.  Thank you Jon and Karla for leading in that time of worship.  After the songs finished, the reality of it being child dedication Sunday hit really hard.  Several sweet families got up to bring their children before the church and before the Lord, to dedicate them to Him.  I love these types of services, usually.  But this time, it was different.  I felt so bad, but I had to leave.  We were going to leave anyway after the worship songs as we had to get home to prepare for company.  But I had to leave because it was hard to think about the fact that we weren't going to be dedicating our baby to the Lord that day, or any other day to come in the future.  In fact, we already did dedicate our baby to the Lord.  We gave her back to Him the moment that we knew she had left my body.  I'll never forget my sweet Erik and what he said the moment Dr. M left the room following the news that our baby had died inside of me.  Through tears and with his steady voice he said, "She's with Jesus now, Honey.  She's with Jesus."  We surrendered her back to Him the day we brought her to her grave and buried her...and we continue to surrender her whenever we think about wanting her back...so, in other words, for me that is every minute of every day right now.  I think about having her back and wanting her present with us all the time, but the intensity of it isn't quite as much as it used to be.  But whenever I sit around wondering why she isn't with us, I have to remember that we surrendered her...

we surrendered her...

and she is not in her grave...

she is with Him...

So this year around Mother's Day, I am thankful that I knew my precious Solveig in my womb for 33.5 weeks...and actually had her there for 34 weeks.  I'm thankful that He has given me a wonderful husband to be the greatest daddy in the world to our Bug and Buzz.  I'm thankful for my mother-in-law and how she raised my husband to be a wonderful human being, and for the love she has bestowed upon our family. I'm thankful that I get to be the mama for Bug and Buzz...they are some of the richest blessings I've ever known.  I'm thankful that God has given me a great mom who has been so present in my world and has loved me through thick and thin, and has modeled for me how to be a woman of deep faith in God.  And I'm thankful also for my aunties who have been like moms to me and my brothers and grandmas for our kids.  I'm thankful for all the women in my life who have shown me friendship, grace, strength and love...there are some of you who are like mamas to me and I appreciate you and love you so.  And I'm thankful for the friends who have stood by my side, especially through this journey of grief.  You  are such special gifts to me.

May the Lord give all you women out there a special hug of grace today.  May He surround you with His love, whatever journey you are on.

And know that I'd give you a hug too if I could.  Bless you, dear ones.

Our Story - Part Five

Two months ago today she was born still.  I was sitting at Bug's church choir program this evening and happened to look down at my watch...April 29th...the 29th...two months ago, February 29th was Solveig's birth day.  It didn't cause me to burst into tears or anything like that, but just the recognition factor kicked in and I was reminded of her.  I like being reminded of her.  I like to think about her, because she is my daughter and she always will be.  I've had several great days of living life quite fully and having joy again.  This is a blessing.  I'm hopeful there will be more of those before the next wave swells up to shore in my heart.

So, the story continues...part five...

I left off in the funeral home.  We gave Solveig to our funeral director Dan, only about 32 hours after her birth.  I believe with all my heart that Dan and the other funeral directors, Sharon and Richard, took great care of my baby girl's body.  And I thank them for that.  They showed the utmost respect to us and we are so appreciative.  Thank you, funeral directors.

We walked out of that funeral home and I felt so strange, not having Solveig in my arms.  It was odd to not carry her around with me anymore.  There was something so "normal" about holding my baby in my arms, even if she was dead.  It made me feel like a mama to her.  But leaving her...that did NOT feel right.      I just knew that I had to do it, and I did.  Her weight was gone, which equals absence of an unwanted sort. Nobody wants to feel that type of absence, but God has allowed me and Erik to feel that.  I can tell you one thing...I hold my other two children more tightly now.  I watch them like a hawk.  Yes, I feel a bit of "helicopter mom" coming on.  And it's not because I want to be like that.  I think it's just an instinctual thing that has happened.  A fear I face now of not wanting anything to happen to my Bug and Buzz.  I don't know what I'd do if something happened to them.  And yet the utter reality I've been faced with is also that I am to continually present my children to the Lord.  They belong to HIM, not me.  They are just on loan to me for awhile on this earth.  Kellie talked about this the other day and it really sank in with me. Sure I've thought about it before, but after releasing our daughter to the Lord I understood it fully for the first time...the need to surrender.  We humans hate surrender.  We want to keep a tight grip on that which we consider dear and sacred to us.  But we are called to let go.  Such a hard lesson, but so true.

I touched on this before, but after we left the funeral home we visited three different cemeteries and finally found our sweet country cemetery.  I really like going there and I'm surprised I don't have the urge to go every day.  But I don't.  I love going there though and always treasure my moments near Solveig's grave.  I'm looking forward to ordering her a headstone.  Her grave will also be mine.  That is kind of an odd thing - to already know where my body will be laid to rest.  But for some reason, it truly gives me a peace knowing that my body will be laid with hers.  We will be together again physically, but we will be together again spiritually even before that.  When my spirit leaves my body and flies to Jesus, my baby will be there waiting for me.  I can hardly wait.  Okay...now the tears are coming.  See, I knew they would come sometime soon.  It's this writing business...it pulls out the good, the bad and the difficult...but I'm finding it so worth it all.  Such healing is coming through it for me.  So...back to the grave...one of the neatest things about the cemetery we chose is that it is SO small.  It is run by volunteers from a church, as it is that church's cemetery.  It is nice that we didn't have to be members of that church to use their cemetery.  The sweet people who volunteer their time are such gems of humanity.  I have met a few of them and have had the chance to thank them for what they do.  One of them told me that he really enjoys being out there, and finds it so peaceful.  Bless his heart.  There is a sweet pond that was frozen when we were choosing the cemetery so we didn't get to see it then.  Of course it has since thawed and it is adorable, and lots of birds gather round.  I like to sit on the benches near the pond and walk around it and think.

After leaving the cemetery, we came home and crashed.  Our parents were taking turns watching the kids, so we were able to relieve them and spend a little time with our kids and just rest in our own home again.  Of course it was bizarre to come home without our baby.  The law here in MN does say that parents are allowed to take their babies home from the hospital if they want to...but as I alluded to before, there are some challenges between the state law, hospital regulations and funeral home policies that didn't make it possible for us to bring Solveig home.  But in all honesty, I don't think I would have wanted to do that.  Some people really like to do that, and I think that's neat for them.  Some people like that they can bring their baby home and spend time rocking the baby in his or her room, visit with family and friends in a less stressful atmosphere, etc.  But for us it was okay that we didn't take that route.  We felt right about leaving her with the funeral directors.  And we knew we'd see her physical body again a few times before we buried her, so that helped a little bit.

Our kids were so glad to have us home again.  They needed their mommy and daddy, and we needed them.  I was so glad to be able to hold them in my arms again.  We started to read some of the books we had been given for children going through the loss of a baby sibling.  I'm so glad for those resources.  One of my favorite books for them isn't really about grief, but it's just about Heaven.  If you haven't yet read Heaven Is For Real, I highly encourage you to do so.  We had read it a few months before Solveig's death and have found it incredibly helpful for understanding perhaps a bit more about what Heaven is like.  There happens to be a kids version of the book which has GORGEOUS illustrations and has brought to life even more the reality of Heaven for us and for our kids.

The next day was Friday.  We woke up knowing that we would have a LOT to do this day.  The first thing we did was to go to my favorite store with the big red bullseye to obtain a replacement white blanket, identical to the one that we had purchased for Solveig to be wrapped in.   We then went to the funeral home to see Solveig again and to choose a casket for her.  We were able to spend a long time holding her again and looking at her tiny, beautiful features.  She was cold because she had been in the refrigerator.  I know, hard to hear, but real.  But again, it really didn't matter to us.  She still looked so pretty to us.  She was still our sweet girl...the one who had had been warm and had come out only two days earlier.  I wanted to cherish every moment that I could with her.  After holding her for awhile, we switched out the blankets.  I took the bloodied blanket that had held my daughter's body as I wanted to keep it with me forever, and we wrapped her instead in the identical blanket.

We were then presented with three options for a casket.  There was a tiny white one which wasn't really long enough for Solveig's eighteen inch body.  Then there was a white one that was a little bit bigger.  And then there was a beautiful marbled light pink one.  Erik and I were both immediately drawn to that pink one and we knew it was right for our girl.  It was so pretty.  I never knew I'd call a casket pretty, but this one sure was.  Sharon, the funeral director we worked with that morning, said that the pink casket was brand new and she decided to bring it along for us to see.  I'm so glad that she did.  Casket shopping for our child was so strange and definitely brought out a whole new flood of tears.  These are decisions that parents don't want to have to face.

After mustering up enough strength to yet again leave our daughter behind, we left the funeral home and went out shopping for more things.  Next up, we had to go back to the cemetery to actually choose a plot.  Sobering.  But Jerry, the sweet man who volunteers and helped us out, was so tender with us.  He had tears in his eyes and just a sweet, soft-spoken manner.  I appreciate him greatly.

Erik got a new suit as he hadn't gotten one of those since his first job interview. :)  Bless him.  We found a really helpful guy at our local department store who heard our story and immediately went to work helping Erik.  I thankfully have a closet full of black formals from singing, so there were a few options that would work with my swollen, just had a baby body.  I settled on one black velvet dress that I wore in college and have used several times since!  It has that timeless look, so I doubt anyone knew how old it was...but now you know!  Bug would wear her beautiful white dress which we bought for the hospital pictures, and Buzz would wear his black suit and tie from Christmas.

We also had to tend to the final details of our funeral program which we had been planning since Sunday night when we found out that Solveig was gone.  Thank you to sweet Lisa for working behind the scenes to make our program look AMAZING.  It was so pretty and delicate, just like our little girl.

This picture was on the front of the program...

I love this one.  It's so tender and soft and sweet.  I think our Solving had a sweet spirit.  I could sense that.  I think that she was also feisty like our other two kids, as she was constantly busy inside of me.  But sometimes I wonder if some of her busyness was related to her cord strictures...and that she might have been trying to move her way out of something that wasn't comfortable...we'll never know.  I'm just so glad that I got to feel her in me at all.  She was a miracle.  I'll not forget that.

There is so much more to share, but this post is already super long...so I'll save more for another day...thanks for reading and thanks for your continued prayers for our family.  We feel such a peace and strength.  The kind of peace that is perfect from the Lord.

The following was my mom's life verse while she was going through her cancer, almost 12 years ago...

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."
-Isaiah 26:2-4-

Solveig's Imprint

It has been a few weeks since we were given these wonderful photos taken by Jen Kelly on behalf of the NIL_MDTS organization. To us they are absolutely breathtaking still, even after nearly seven weeks...and they always will be breathtaking. Tomorrow it will be seven weeks since Solveig was born into the world, not breathing and not uttering one tiny peep. We miss her immensely. Sometimes the pain of our loss grips so tightly that the body wants to shut down and not go on. But there are so many reminders of why we must go on...one is dancing to classical public radio while I type, and the other is shoving delicious morsels into his mouth at the lunch table and trying to snuggle with the dog at the same time. They are excellent reminders of what is good and lovely and excellent here on Earth. And one other incredibly priceless reason is probably at a desk answering phone calls from colleagues and customers and typing away important data, working hard to take care of our family...I love him so much.

Right as we were beginning to take pictures with Solveig, Buzz started to lose it and didn't really want to participate. I think he was perhaps overwhelmed with sadness and confusion as well as lack of sleep and missing Mommy and Daddy. The look on his face is full of grief. Then big sister Bug has her focus solely on the precious baby sister that she wanted so much. Both kids were glad to meet little Solveig that day and they were not too stunned by her appearance which had already started looking a bit purple. Kids are fabulous that way. They just see the person...they don't care about particulars of physical beauty the same way that we adults seem to notice. Even with her skin turning purplish, our baby was still so beautiful to us. She will always remain beautiful to us in our memories.

As Erik and I sat together for our photos with our baby, it was such an odd place to be...so different than when we were taking photos with one whom we would bring home. For this precious one was already HOME for all eternity with Jesus. We were not to bring her to our earthly home...a fact which is still incredibly difficult for me to this day. But we could cherish her there at the hospital. (There is a way to bring home a baby who has died, but we chose not to do that...and it is complicated with hospital, funeral home and state legalities not quite matching up at this point.) We could have our photos taken with her, and we did. We created memories for a lifetime and we will never forget. She has made an imprint that is so deep and all the storms of time could not blow away the print that has been placed on our hearts.

We are forever changed by our Solveig. Now, the hardest part is learning to walk in faith with the Lord and not cursing Him, and not blaming Him, and not giving up on Him. Believe me when I say that I've had some very dark moments of not wanting to trust Him. But I keep coming back to Him. For He has never left me, even in the darkest of moments. One foot in front of the other...one day at at time...we must keep going. And He will go with us through it all.

Come and Gone

The due date came and it quickly went yesterday. It was a rather peaceful day that we were able to spend together as a family. Bug ended up having a fever Easter night, so we weren't able to send her to school due to the 24 hour fever rule. She woke up feeling well on Monday. I think that perhaps she is just getting ready to lose her first tooth, as she has been complaining of sore teeth lately. Here I thought she had just eaten a little too much candy from her Easter basket!

With the Bug and Buzz we decided to venture out to do something fun, as we felt like Solveig would have wanted us to be celebrating. Our attempts at visiting a few special museums downtown were not fulfilled as both museums were indeed closed. Bummer! Alas, we thought we should go and walk around the beautiful cathedral in the city. It was so pretty in there, but not as quiet as Buzz would have liked. There were some construction workers trying to fancy it up a bit and their jackhammers were quite noisy. I lit a candle for our little Solveig while we were there, just because. It was so tiny and sweet, like her.

In an effort to find some pretty flowers, trees or shrubs to plant in honor of our baby this year, we went to a nearby greenhouse and enjoyed walking around and meeting "Baby" the beautiful parrot who greeted us with repeated cries of "hello" and "hi!" Bug was so entertained by that cute bird. A few of the options for plants/flowers that really seemed to jump out at me in their beauty and potential were the Bleeding Heart and the Azaleas (?). I know that second one has another name which I am briefly forgetting as I type...but I love the vibrant shades of both plants. And isn't the name of the first one so befitting? I sure think so. It was great to get some ideas. Now we have to figure out what we want, and wait for the frozen tundra to stop freezing before we can plant.

The restaurant where kids get to wear crowns beckoned us next for lunch and playtime in the tubes that I like to refer to as a virtual cesspool of germs. But the kids think that the cesspool is amazing and they love to go there occasionally. After our greasy spoon lunch and playtime, we headed to the grocery store to pick up some roses and headed on our way to the cemetery. It was a windy yet sunny day, and although it was a bit cool, at least it was MUCH warmer than the day when we buried our daughter in early March with snow covering the ground. Having the kids with us was so special. Solveig's grave is still fresh with dirt as the grass seed has yet to be planted. Erik pounded our little easel stake into the ground and on it we hung a cute heart shaped wreath that I found pre-made at the craft store. Remember, I'm what I like to refer to as "craft challenged," so for me to find something that was cute that I didn't have to make myself was just perfect! Now there is something adorning our daughter's grave site and I'm so glad that it is there. We laid our roses on the ground next to the wreath. And we talked about our little friend B who is laid to rest next to Solveig. She was also born still, almost five years ago. Bug said, "I bet Solveig and B are playing in Heaven together right now! They're probably having so much fun!" I love the insight of children. And I'm so glad that my little girl thinks of Heaven so positively! That she can imagine it with joy in her little heart. That is beautiful to me.

Up to this point in the day I had been doing fine emotionally and really wasn't upset. However, as we drove away from the cemetery it really hit me that she was missing. Solveig wasn't with us in the physical sense. It hit me that she would have been riding with us in the car...that we would have been taking her places and that people would be holding her and passing her around...that she would be experiencing life with us and us with her. And now she is absent in body. But I so believe that we always feel a bit of her presence with us on earth, even though her spirit is with the Lord in Heaven.

The tears continue to come occasionally, but I am not crying constantly. I am not in despair. I wonder if I ever will be in full despair over this loss...other than how I felt at the initial loss. So much hope has risen up in me, and so much peace over all. A peace that passes all understanding. A peace that can only come from the Lord. I miss my little girl. I'd love to have her back. But I will go on. Life must go on. And I will continue to grieve her loss, perhaps the rest of my life. But joy will return. The journey continues...

Hope

There is something incredible about spring time. Once the snow and ice thaw, the grass turns green again and the buds on the trees appear...the flowers peek their heads out of the ground...and the birds come a looking for worms to eat. One art song titled "Spring" is a setting of a poem by Em_ily Dic_kin_son, and I have sung it. The text and the music are sprightly and make a person happy just hearing it, and singing it. "Spring, the sweet spring. The pretty birds do sing...."

Not only do the birds sing in the spring and the blooms abound, but for me there has always been a sense of renewal and an impetus for fresh starts. Erik and I began our relationship in the spring, quite near this time, about ten years ago. So for us, the spring is quite nostalgic. Our wedding anniversary is in May, in the spring. Bug's birthday is also in May. And Erik and I have birthdays two days apart in the early days of June, followed by our summer baby boy's birthday in later June.

Here we are in mid March and the weather is glorious in what often times is a frozen tundra at this very same time of year. We are absolutely loving the warmth and the sunshine and the summer like almost balmy air. To me, this feels like a most amazing gift from God during such a challenging season of life. Feeling the warmth on my skin and soaking it in has been just the medicine I needed as I begin to heal emotionally and physically.

Yesterday, I felt like God began to grant to me a sense of hope. Not only do I have a continued hope in Heaven and longing to be there with my Solveig, but I also have a hope for what lies ahead here on this Earth. I have a hope for my life with my beautiful family. I have hope for what the Lord will continue to do in my life and in the lives of others as a result of my daughter's life.

One of my all-time favorite scripture passages is Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." I have hope. And I have a future. Thanks be to God.

The Charm Bracelet

February 27th...this was the day after we found out that Solveig was no longer alive inside of me. We learned mid day from Dr. L that we would need to go to the hospital the next day to begin the induction process and prepare for arrival of our daughter. There were so many details to be taken care of and it was overwhelming. Not only did we need to make sure that the kids would have child care, but the dog needed to have her own arrangements and we needed to pack and prepare mentally for what was to come. That evening, Erik's parents were able to come and stay with the kids so that we could go out and do some last minute shopping. We wanted to buy something special for the baby to wear - we wanted her to be pretty for her pictures. At first I had it in my head that I needed to get a fancy dress of some sort, but it is very difficult to find something fancy for a tiny preemie. After making lots of phone calls to local stores, I decided that we just needed to go out and do some looking. We came upon this beautiful and simple white gown and upon seeing it we both knew that it was the one for our little girl. We found this soft and cuddly blanket and decided we would wrap her up in it. I decided that it would be best if we all wore white for our photos so that we could be coordinated. For Bug, we found an adorable white dress and Buzz had a white shirt at home. I found a white top and Daddy had a white shirt as well.

After finding the clothes, I had this burning desire to go and find a piece of jewelry to help remember and commemorate Solveig's life. This is something that was suggested to me earlier that day when I spoke with an amazing woman from the hospital who helps with grief counseling. She had been through a stillbirth years earlier and said that having a special piece of jewelry was often a very helpful thing for people like us. We made our way to this store and the sales lady helped us to find a very simple and elegant bracelet on which we could place charms that were meaningful to us. We chose some initial charms to represent our three children, and also a special charm just for Solveig that had a cross on one side and said "believe" on the other side. For her, we also bought the same "S" charm and cross charm and had them placed inside a small box that was later displayed next to and then placed in her casket. I told Erik and also the sales lady that the cross charm had multiple meanings for me. I believe in the cross, and in Christ's death on the cross for our sins. But I also believe that it is because of His death on the cross that our Solveig is now in Heaven celebrating eternal life. We have the promise of being there for all eternity with our daughter because of the cross.

Every time I look at that bracelet, I am grateful for my Savior and his blood shed for us on the cross. And I'm grateful for His loving arms wrapped around our daughter. For until we are there to hold her ourselves, He will care for her in our place. That my friends is comforting.

Happy Summer!

Once again it has been way too long since I last posted and so much has happened in the meantime. Last time I wrote in November, we had just experienced our first miscarriage. There was another in January. Much loss. Through the loss, we've experienced incredible grace and peace. The Lord has supplied our every need. And he's brought us much joy through the two beautiful kids that He has allowed us to have here on this earth. My appreciation for them has increased in this past year and I see them in a new way. My love for my babies has deepened. Here are some recent pictures of them. Bug just turned five years old in May and Anders just turned 3 in June. We can hardly believe how quickly they're changing and growing, right before our tired eyes! The pictures you see are Bug & Buzz with their latest dress-up additions - old wigs from Auntie Dar! They have had so much fun with those wigs. But then, silly Bailey, our yellow lab mix puppy that you see in one of the pics chewed up half of one of the wigs. We didn't know if she'd make it or not, but she was fine! It's amazing what animals can consume and then live afterwards. Needless to say, we've had to move the wigs out of her reach. The picture of my sweet Erik and our Bug was when she had her preschool graduation in May. It's hard to believe that she's done with that chapter of her life already! Auntie Dar is in the background of that picture.

More pictures to come soon...Happy 4th of July!

Loss, Hope and Thankfulness

Dear Friends and Family,

My abandonment of this blog is due to my love for my sweet little family and the busyness of our lives. Simply put, most days I'd rather just be with them and do life than spend time typing something up for the blog. But alas, today I feel the need to write something to document the things that have been happening in our lives.

Loss and Hope...

A few weeks ago we were so excited to find out that we were to be expecting our third little baby. What a gift. After praying and yearning for another child for a long time, God blessed us with this little one. However, after just over a week of officially knowing that we were pregnant, we lost our little baby. It has been a tough but good week. Our friends and family members have rallied around us and have been so encouraging. We are so grateful. My dear man has been incredibly loving and sweet and that has meant so much to me. We have felt uplifted in prayer and have truly known an immense amount of peace. Praise be to our God and Father. One of my very dear friends who has been through similar loss said to me, "nothing anybody said really helped me, but the one thing that got me through was knowing that my little babies were safe in the arms of Jesus." Amen to that. I've thought of that so much this week. Thank you, sweet friend, for sharing that with me. And not to be pessimistic, but I just have to say that I really felt that I might lose this child. It was as though God had been preparing me for YEARS for this to happen. I have heard so many stories of miscarriage, infant and child loss and have always wondered not if but when would it be my turn to experience that. And here we are. Again, I have so much amazing peace. And I am okay. And I know that God is absolutely in control of this situation, just as He has been in control of every other situation in my life. And I also have great HOPE that perhaps He will bless us with another child in the future, if He should so choose. For now, we rest knowing that He knows the plans He has for us.

Thankfulness...

This Thanks_giving time, I am so filled with thankfulness for my family and my friends. God has blessed me with such a dear bunch of people in my world. To my husband and our sweet Bug and Buzz, thank you for being connected to me. Thank you for loving me even when I'm kind of out there. Thank you for sticking by my side through thick and thin. This has been a seemingly interesting year of that. But HE will be praised, and we will glorify HIM together through this.

I am thankful for the family I was born into. Thank you Mom, Dad, and brothers for being there for me and for sharing life with me. This Thanks_giving, we are all so filled with gratitude to have my brother Joel here with us after his very challenging and difficult year of cancer and surgeries and trials. If you have been following his story, right now is another interesting turning point for him. Please please pray for Joel and for his family. And may the Lord be glorified through Joel's life and through this entire situation.

What are you thankful for this week? May the Lord bless you this Thanksgiving. May He clearly show you His presence in your life and His truth.

Much Love from the frozen, beautiful, snowy north land...

Busy Summer

Hey all!

I cannot believe that it has been almost TWO months since I last posted on my blog. But I can tell you that life has been very busy since I last wrote. :) Why is it that at the beginning of every single summer I have such grandiose plans of relaxation, projects, and get-togethers and that every single summer I come to about this point in August and realize that I haven't gotten through many of my plans? Perhaps others face this same issue. And really, if that's my biggest worry of the day, I'm doing okay. I love summer! I love being outside with my family, enjoying fresh air and sunshine while trying to avoid the bees who seem to seek me out since I'm allergic to them. (Note: I finally got an E_pi- P_en this past year after knowing for 13 years that I was allergic to bees...so at least I have it on my person at all times in case of emergency!) We enjoy taking walks every night after supper in our neighborhood where we have nice trails and parks. It is really a blessing to have green grass and playgrounds to play on. There are so many places in the world that do not have this luxury, and we are grateful. I also love grilling in the summer. Now, this summer we haven't done very much grilling...not sure why, but it just hasn't happened a whole lot. So, intend to change that up this weekend with grilling some chicken and having salad along with it! Sounds yummy to me. And in our house, every day after lunch is a HUGE event for Bug who likes to go out and meet "Miss Mary," our mail delivery lady. We just met Miss Mary a few months ago when we happened to be outside one day as she brought our mail to the box. As we started visiting with her, she offered Bug a sucker from a little box she keeps in the mail truck. So of course, now Bug has to go out and meet Miss Mary every day to get her sucker. There are many days that we don't connect out there, but when we do, it's fun. I told Bug that we need to be nice to Miss Mary and just be her friend too, and that we shouldn't always expect to receive a sucker from her.

(This post is really random...just lots on my mind today...)

We took a LOVELY one week vacation in Do_or Cou_nty, W_is_consin at the end of July, and it was such a nice reprieve. I was sick for most of our vacation, but still was able to enjoy a good time with my family! We stayed in the town of Si_ster B_ay, and loved the condo that we rented. Some of our highlights included going swimming at the Nic_olet B_ay B_each in Pen-insula St_ate Pa_rk, hearing live concerts in the local towns at night (including one by a girl I grew up with), eating cherry pie, walking through a cherry orchard, attending the fish boil at the Vi_king G_rill, playing at different playgrounds and going for walks with the kids around the little towns, and watching the skunks roaming about underneath and around the deck at our condo. Yes, that's right, we had SKUNKS living under our deck!!!!! Crazy! There was a family of nine skunks and thankfully, a man brought some live traps and captured the skunks. This went on for several days, so the guy had to keep coming back to get the captured skunks and set up the trap for the next victim...yes, he had to euth_anize them because of state law, in case they were rabid. It was kind of sad, but apparently skunks are the highest carriers of rabies. Ew. Poor, cute skunkies. They really were cute. Bug and Buzz really loved seeing the skunks roaming about, through the window. Truly, it was a nice vacation, and we had such a good time together as a family. I'm so grateful that we could go away for awhile. It was refreshing for my soul. Erik and I had a good time visiting at night when the kids would go to sleep, and catching up on cable tv since we don't have that at home! We played cards one night too, and watched movies, and read books. It was great.

I'll try to post some pics soon...and tell more summer stories...

Singermama is back!

Blogging has not been a priority for me lately - did ya notice? Honestly I haven't missed it all that much. I've been much more into Face_book, reading other people's blogs, and just life itself to take the time to blog on my own blog. But ya'all, I'm back! :) Here are my random thoughts...

I'm practicing voice again as I'm preparing to do a recital in October with a colleague of mine who plays French horn. I think it will be a ton of fun! Recitals are such incredible experiences...they take TONS of work and dedication to prepare for, but they are so rewarding to do! My plan is to resurrect some music that I've done in the past so that I don't have to learn everything from scratch. And the fact that I get to share the program with my friend will help a LOT! Much less work for me.

Recently, I reopened my Be_th Mo_ore online Bible study through Life_way.com. They have online Bible studies!!! SO fun! And they're great for busy mamas, because let's face it, we rarely have moments to ourselves. So the fact that I can do my study in segments that only last about 10 minutes at a time is VERY convenient! Hooray! The one I'm doing is titled "Liv_ing Beyond Your_self." I'm very inspired so far. When I was in grad. school in Texas, I had the privilege of attending Be_th Mo_ore's Sunday school class at Ho_uston's Fi_rst Ba_ptist Ch_urch. That was an incredible year and a half of my life, being at that church and in that class. The Lord used that time to help me grow and learn much about Him. When I moved back to MN, I greatly missed being at that church and in Beth's class, but I also felt like it was a good season in my life that I would always be grateful for. And since then, I've been able to listen to some cd's from the class and read some of her books, and that has been nice to. And I've been reminded that it is good to learn from other teachers too! The Lord has blessed MANY teachers of His Word out there, and I'm thankful that we can learn from them. Every now and then though, it is nice to have me some Beth time. :) She not only makes me laugh hysterically with her southern ways, but she also has incredible insights into the Lord's Word, and I feel like God has gifted her immensely.

On another note, we've been very busy around this house lately. Three of the four of us have had our birthdays in the last few weeks - Erik turned 40, I turned 32, Bug Girl turned 3, and then in two weeks my Buzzy Boy will turn 1! And Erik and I had our five year wedding anniversary. Hallelujah! We made it through five years! I'm looking forward to so many more with my love.

Bug's birthday was fun. She had two parties - one with family and one with little friends, but both had the D_ora the Ex_plorer theme. VERY fun! Bug loves D_ora, and often requests D_ora videos. We had Enchilada Casserole as our main dish and everyone loved it. There were two pinatas - one for each day, and the kids went nuts and had so much fun!

Erik was supposed to have a surprise party for his birthday, but due to a few different reasons, it ended up not being a surprise. In the end, that was okay though, because I really needed his help getting ready for the party. There were approximately 80 people there and it was a ton of tun! We held the party up at the park near our home, and people from all areas of Erik's life were there - family, college, and of course, BSF. He spent MANY years in BSF, both as an attendee and as a leader, so it was much fun for him to reconnect with his "peops."

We've had a lot of illness in our home the last several months...colds, pneumonia, flu...and I think we're finally over it. At least I hope so! I'm really glad that we can have a reprieve from the illness. People who deal with chronic illness or disease of any sort must have a hard time without reprieve...I cannot imagine.

I must go and rest while kiddos are napping...chicken, wild rice, carrots, cream of mushroom soup and homemade chicken broth are brewing away in the cr_ock pot for dinner. I can't wait!

Hubby is Home!

Erik got home last Saturday from a 3.5 week work trip in Asia. He goes usualy twice a year to many many countries in the Asia Pacific region, and I hear lots of cool stories about the people he meets and works with, as well as foods and places that he gets to see. Of course, he is doing work almost the entire time he is gone, so there really isn't much time for sight seeing. One really great thing from this trip was that Erik got to spend some time with our friend in India who was an exchange student of sorts here at the University of Minnesota. Thanks to our friend for showing him around the big city and taking him to lots of fun places, as well as a good traditional Indian lunch!

I'm so glad to have my man back home! We missed him a lot.