Mother's Day

I'm linking up with Tesha today.  If you're new, please go over to the sidebar and click on my recent posts or on the labels for stillbirth or Solveig if you want to read more about our sweet girl.  She was born still on 2/29/12 at 33.5 weeks gestation, 3 lbs. 11 oz and 18 in. long.  I still need to get some tabs or something at the top of my blog page for different subjects but don't know how to do it.  If you know how, would you please leave me a message?  Thank you so much.

Mothers' Day was two days ago.  It was such a bittersweet day for me.  Sweet because I have two wonderful, adorable kids here on this earth...and bittersweet because I have three babies in Heaven waiting for me.  I wish I could have hugged those three and had them with us for Mother's Day.  I really miss my Solveig as she was the one that I held here on this earth...the one that I carried for 33.5 weeks until learning that she had died prematurely inside of me due to the umbilical cord wrapped around her and a knot in the cord.

One of my sweet friends named Mo prayed over mothers in our Sunday school class on Mother's Day.  She prayed for those of us who have lost babies or who have struggled with infertility or other issues.  She has such a kind, loving heart that seems to have more room than the average heart...and I admire her so very much.  Thank you Mo for your sensitivity to me during this time.  You're a beautiful woman of God and I appreciate you.

In all honesty, it was painful to be at church on Sunday without my littlest, newest baby in my arms.  I felt such a deep emptiness with her missing and yet such a fullness and appreciation for my two living children.  At times I think, "who am I to complain about not having my babies here?  For with me are two of the most beautiful creations I could ever imagine, and I'm incredibly grateful for them."  My gratitude for my little ones is not diminished by my grief, but my grief and loss is ever present and it is not just going to go away today or tomorrow or in another month or year.  I imagine I will feel this pain for a long time.  But I will also find joy amidst the pain, because He does that for me...the Lord also gives me joy.

As I stood in the back of the sanctuary praising God through some of my very favorite worship songs that Sunday, I was so moved by the music and definitely felt the presence of the Holy Spirit.  Thank you Jon and Karla for leading in that time of worship.  After the songs finished, the reality of it being child dedication Sunday hit really hard.  Several sweet families got up to bring their children before the church and before the Lord, to dedicate them to Him.  I love these types of services, usually.  But this time, it was different.  I felt so bad, but I had to leave.  We were going to leave anyway after the worship songs as we had to get home to prepare for company.  But I had to leave because it was hard to think about the fact that we weren't going to be dedicating our baby to the Lord that day, or any other day to come in the future.  In fact, we already did dedicate our baby to the Lord.  We gave her back to Him the moment that we knew she had left my body.  I'll never forget my sweet Erik and what he said the moment Dr. M left the room following the news that our baby had died inside of me.  Through tears and with his steady voice he said, "She's with Jesus now, Honey.  She's with Jesus."  We surrendered her back to Him the day we brought her to her grave and buried her...and we continue to surrender her whenever we think about wanting her back...so, in other words, for me that is every minute of every day right now.  I think about having her back and wanting her present with us all the time, but the intensity of it isn't quite as much as it used to be.  But whenever I sit around wondering why she isn't with us, I have to remember that we surrendered her...

we surrendered her...

and she is not in her grave...

she is with Him...

So this year around Mother's Day, I am thankful that I knew my precious Solveig in my womb for 33.5 weeks...and actually had her there for 34 weeks.  I'm thankful that He has given me a wonderful husband to be the greatest daddy in the world to our Bug and Buzz.  I'm thankful for my mother-in-law and how she raised my husband to be a wonderful human being, and for the love she has bestowed upon our family. I'm thankful that I get to be the mama for Bug and Buzz...they are some of the richest blessings I've ever known.  I'm thankful that God has given me a great mom who has been so present in my world and has loved me through thick and thin, and has modeled for me how to be a woman of deep faith in God.  And I'm thankful also for my aunties who have been like moms to me and my brothers and grandmas for our kids.  I'm thankful for all the women in my life who have shown me friendship, grace, strength and love...there are some of you who are like mamas to me and I appreciate you and love you so.  And I'm thankful for the friends who have stood by my side, especially through this journey of grief.  You  are such special gifts to me.

May the Lord give all you women out there a special hug of grace today.  May He surround you with His love, whatever journey you are on.

And know that I'd give you a hug too if I could.  Bless you, dear ones.

A beautiful poem...

My sweet friend Emily (aka "Sunshine") who I worked with at the Y_M_C_A when we were day camp counselors wrote this amazing poem for me a few weeks ago. I asked her if I could please post it on my blog and she said that would be okay. Thank you so much, dear Emily. Your words are beautiful and touching...and when I read this I weep in gratitude for the way God has allowed you to think of my Solveig. Thank you.

An Angel of Peace

He born her onto Heaven

filled with your love.

Perfect and Precious

He born onto to us an Angel.

She burst from your womb

through Heaven’s open doors

Singing

your glorious Gospel.

She knew no suffering,

no pain,

no disappointment,

nor loss

Only the warmth of your internal home

and the completeness of your love.

What a gift for a soul

to live in your light,

to be filled by your love

To move from your sweet being

to home with our Heavenly Father

We will never know why your years on Earth with her

Must now be said goodbye to

Like water poured on a fire

the promise of this dream has gone out.

And yet, through this unspeakably grief

Which no words can capture

There is beauty

and joy

and hope in your future

For she lived within you

Danced in your body

Filled you with love

Just as you filled her

And although you do not have a lifetime

to know her, to see her each day before you

You know her in the deepest sense of knowing

Where there is no darkness or sorrow

No worry or pain

Only the feeling of her little body

Moving in yours

two souls joined

Forever in love

She is with you now.

Shining down on you from Heaven

Taking the love you gave her

And sharing it with our world

And she shares it with you.

In the flicker of a sunset

In Northern lights dancing

the warm smile of her daddy

the laughter of her siblings

she comes to you always

always.

with comfort and love

to continually show you

the beauty you gave

in your gift to the Lord

His perfect Angel of Peace.

Clarity

This weekend, I was blessed to get away with four of my girlfriends for one night and two good days. I thought it might be too early for me to get away, and I wasn't sure what it would be like to face people and to talk about things...but you know what? It was GREAT. To be surrounded by dear friends who love me no matter what was just what my soul needed. Thanks to my Erik for encouraging me to go away. And thank you dear friends - you know who you are and you are a blessing.

One thing is for sure - I am not a person who can stuff things inside and not talk about what is going on my life. That is just not my personality. And for better or worse, I like to get out the "stuff" and work through it. Most of the time I believe it is for the better. Part of me wanted to run and hide in a cave and not come out for a very long time after we lost Solveig. I have definitely had moments of cave dwelling in the last week and a half. But for the most part, I do better when I spend most of my time out of the cave. I'm grateful that Erik is willing to talk through life with me and helps me process things. He's so good like that.

While sitting with my friends yesterday, I told them that I want them to be able to ask me anything about Solveig and what has happened because of her loss. I don't want people to ever be afraid to broach the topic for fear of offending me or "bringing up" something that I don't want to talk about. The truth is, I'm always thinking about her - she is always in my thoughts, and I suspect she may always be...or at least will be extremely present for a VERY long time. Therefore, people talking about her or asking me about her is not a shock and will probably not catch me off guard. If you are reading this and you have wondered about this stuff, please know that I mean it when I say that I want to talk about her and I want you to say her name...and I want you to ask me all about her. Please do. What I don't want, and what anyone who has been through the loss of a child does NOT want, is for people to forget our children. We don't want them to go unremembered...we don't want them to get lost in the shuffle of our busy society that continues on at warp speed even when we feel suspended in space grieving the loss of our children.

And remember...you don't need to solve our situation...you can't, really. You can't change it, you can't do anything to make it different...you can't fix it...but what you can do is simply say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and/or "I'm praying for you." That is really the best thing that anyone can say to someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one. Don't feel like you need to expound on the situation any further. Yes, we believe that our baby is in Heaven now...but honestly, it's hard to hear things like, "God needs babies in Heaven too" or "there must be a reason why." I know that's true. We know it 100%...and even though we know it, it can't bring our baby back...and believe me when I say that we'd do just about anything to bring her back to be with us if we could. We know you mean well if you do say things like this though, so don't worry if you've been one who has said such things. Don't worry that you've offended us. We've heard a lot now and really aren't that easily offended in the first place. And we appreciate people's love for us and their concern, so please don't take what I'm saying as ungratefulness...that's not it at all. Just trying to help you understand what it's like to be on this side of things, if you haven't been there yourself. Hugs and sorry's are so wonderful to hear and experience.

So...clarity...that was my title of the post after all...I feel as though God gave me some clarity this weekend after getting away from my home and my family for just a short respite. I feel like He is lighting a fire under my tail and He is already showing me that I am to use Solveig's life and story as a platform to help others. I really don't know how or what that may entail, but I know that it will be a part of my future...and perhaps it's part of my present too as I am typing these things into cyberspace. But as the grief counselor warned me when I told her that I wanted to help others...I need to wait awhile to really go forth in this desire to help others...I need to keep healing and grieving the loss of Solveig before I'll be ready to help others in a fuller way.

Thanks for your continued support and prayer over us. It really has helped us get through each moment of each day. Some days are good and some days are really hard...but God is with us through all of it.

Loss, Hope and Thankfulness

Dear Friends and Family,

My abandonment of this blog is due to my love for my sweet little family and the busyness of our lives. Simply put, most days I'd rather just be with them and do life than spend time typing something up for the blog. But alas, today I feel the need to write something to document the things that have been happening in our lives.

Loss and Hope...

A few weeks ago we were so excited to find out that we were to be expecting our third little baby. What a gift. After praying and yearning for another child for a long time, God blessed us with this little one. However, after just over a week of officially knowing that we were pregnant, we lost our little baby. It has been a tough but good week. Our friends and family members have rallied around us and have been so encouraging. We are so grateful. My dear man has been incredibly loving and sweet and that has meant so much to me. We have felt uplifted in prayer and have truly known an immense amount of peace. Praise be to our God and Father. One of my very dear friends who has been through similar loss said to me, "nothing anybody said really helped me, but the one thing that got me through was knowing that my little babies were safe in the arms of Jesus." Amen to that. I've thought of that so much this week. Thank you, sweet friend, for sharing that with me. And not to be pessimistic, but I just have to say that I really felt that I might lose this child. It was as though God had been preparing me for YEARS for this to happen. I have heard so many stories of miscarriage, infant and child loss and have always wondered not if but when would it be my turn to experience that. And here we are. Again, I have so much amazing peace. And I am okay. And I know that God is absolutely in control of this situation, just as He has been in control of every other situation in my life. And I also have great HOPE that perhaps He will bless us with another child in the future, if He should so choose. For now, we rest knowing that He knows the plans He has for us.

Thankfulness...

This Thanks_giving time, I am so filled with thankfulness for my family and my friends. God has blessed me with such a dear bunch of people in my world. To my husband and our sweet Bug and Buzz, thank you for being connected to me. Thank you for loving me even when I'm kind of out there. Thank you for sticking by my side through thick and thin. This has been a seemingly interesting year of that. But HE will be praised, and we will glorify HIM together through this.

I am thankful for the family I was born into. Thank you Mom, Dad, and brothers for being there for me and for sharing life with me. This Thanks_giving, we are all so filled with gratitude to have my brother Joel here with us after his very challenging and difficult year of cancer and surgeries and trials. If you have been following his story, right now is another interesting turning point for him. Please please pray for Joel and for his family. And may the Lord be glorified through Joel's life and through this entire situation.

What are you thankful for this week? May the Lord bless you this Thanksgiving. May He clearly show you His presence in your life and His truth.

Much Love from the frozen, beautiful, snowy north land...

Obeying Jesus...

Bug Girl : "Mommy, sometimes it's not a good idea to obey Jesus when people are laughing at you."

Mama: "Bug, there will always be people who will laugh at us and make fun of us for obeying Jesus, but when we choose to obey Him, He will bless us and reward us."

Wow, I couldn't believe my girl who will be three in a few weeks just came up with that one. I think that she must have been trying to relate to Jesus, as we've been reading the Easter story qutie a bit in the last many weeks before and after Easter. There's so much going on in the minds of babes.

Pneumonia

Hey everyone,

My Bug girl has pneumonia. Yuck. We found out the official diagnosis yesterday after about a week of intermittent fevers and cold symptoms, including a pretty "chesty" cough. I'm so thankful that the dr. had her get a lung x-ray, although Bug hated that part. She screamed while the x-ray was being taken. Poor kiddo. But alas, the dr. showed me on the x-ray how part of her right lung had some fluid in it, and he could tell by the pattern that it was bacterial pnuemonia. Amazing all the things that dr's have to learn and know. Then he gave Bug an RX for ammox_icillin, so hopefully that along with some good 'ol TLC from Mama & Daddy will help rid my darling of her illness. She was at her worst yesterday, with a fever of 104 late last night...and then, PRAISE THE LORD, the fever BROKE and my dear girl was a completely sweaty mess. I was so grateful and kind of in shock that it had finally broken. I hate to think how high that fever could've gotten if it weren't for some Ty_lenol helping to keep it at bay. I've never seen my daughter so ill. The only other time that she had something so serious was when she had croup last winter and we took her to the er.

Now, I have to get Bug to drink! She's not doing so well with that part of her healing plan, but today was slightly better for fluids than yesterday. And I'm doing my part to try to pester her to take sips all the time. I remember that when I was sick, my mom was always trying to get me to drink. And it works, people! The body needs that fluid to rid itself of the illness.

If you think of it, I'd appreciate your prayers for complete healing for Bug. And I have my seasonal allergy/sinus gunk kicking in. Good times! But, I'm really happy to say that with the help of my sinus rinsing pot and some Ty_lenol to reduce swelling, I'm able to keep the symtoms under control and hopefully won't have to take any other meds. I haven't taken antibiotics for a sinus infection in quite some time due to this lovely method! It's some awe, I tell you. ("some awe" is something I learned from pastor/speaker/writer/teacher Louie Gi_glio. He says that nothing is awesome except for God, and that we should really think of everything else as "some awe" instead of the much overused "awesome." Great thought, really. I have a lot of respect for that guy.)

On another note, check out this very cool website with cards made by a darling girl named Reese whose daddy died just a few weeks ago from ARDS (Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome). If you purchase a pack of cards, your proceeds go to helping this family in their time of need.

http://www.cardsbyreese.com

Blessings,
Melody

A day of rest

We've been going and going a lot lately, and I'm really grateful to just have a day at home to rest with the kids. There are things to be done, like laundry and throwing away papers from my paper piles, cutting coupons, and just playing with my two darling children.

Last night after reading as many updates as I could on baby Stellan, I felt the urge to go and hug my kids and to hold them close. The reality that I am faced with many days is that we have NO idea when we could go to meet Jesus. It really could be any moment. Therefore, I need to make the most of every moment that I have here on this earth. And believe me, I'm not always the best at doing that. Sometimes I am very determined and I accomplish a whole lot of tasks/projects in a day, but some days I do NOT get much of anything done! Of course, I'm also trying to balance the need to accomplish those tasks with the need to spend time with my children, to cherish them and embrace them and to remind them that they are indeed loved. I have often told my Bug that I and her daddy love her SO much, but that God loves her more than we could ever possibly love her. She has now begun repeating that when Erik and I tell her that we love her, and can be heard saying, "but you know what Mama? God loves me more than you!" To which I reply, "Yes Honey, He does! That's right!" Amen to that my friends. Amen. I'm so glad that we serve a God who loves us more than we deserve...more than we could ever fully understand. What a gift.