Buzzy's Heaven Thoughts

Buzz and I were just reading a sweet book about an owl who flies to a little boy and becomes his pet.  Later, after helping the owl recover and regain strength from an injury, the little boy releases the owl back into the wilderness.  I was asking my Buzz if he liked the story.  Here's what he said.

"It reminds me of Solveig."

I said, "why is that, Honey?  Because of the owl flying away?"

"Yes," he said.  "Solveig's spirit flew right to Heaven.  We got to hold her when she was dead.  But her spirit flew to Heaven.  I'll get to see her again someday when I go there.  But our hearts are connected.  They'll always be connected.  She was the most beautiful little baby girl."

I didn't make that up.  I loved that he said that their hearts are connected, and that he thought she was beautiful.  And while he was saying all of these precious thoughts of his, of course the tears came into my eyes.

The reminders of Heaven and wanting to be there are truly encouraging to me.  I really have been missing Solveig a lot lately.  I think it has a lot to do with Spring finally being here…the season that she would have been born in.  So, hearing my son talk about his little sister is really sweet.

There is a movie out right now that we really want to see, all about Heaven and how it is real…based on the book of the same kind of name.  We can't wait to see it.  You see, we read that book just a few months before we lost our Solveig.  It was so comforting at the time, thinking about our babies that we had miscarried and other loved ones.  And then when we lost Solveig, it just became that much more real.

We even have the children's version of this special book and our kids really clung to that after we lost Solveig.  It was Bug's favorite book for awhile.  She wanted to bring it to school to share as her favorite book for her birthday.  But because of wondering if she might get in trouble sharing it during regular school time and not on recess, I decided that she shouldn't bring it.  This was such a bummer and really hard for a six year old to understand…the separation of church and state…issues that are challenging from time to time in the public school setting.

But I digress.  If you haven't read that book that I'm referring to, I highly encourage you to do so.  There's no way that this kid could've made all of that up.  It really is a beautiful picture of Heaven.

I long to be there.  It is my hope.  It is how I keep going.

One day, sweet Solveig…one day…we will be reunited, and I will hold you, FULLY ALIVE!!!!!  Until then, dance and play and sing and run, and I will think of you and hold your daddy and siblings here on earth.

More Thoughts From Siblings...

Today at lunch, Buzz was in another of his reflective moods.  We started talking about Solveig, and here is the conversation that happened.

Mama, "Buzz, do you remember holding Solveig at the hospital?"

Buzz, "No, I don't remember that." (That makes me sad actually, because for the longest time he talked about it.  But he was so young when she died…not quite four, so it doesn't surprise me that his memory of her is fading.)

Mama, "Well, would you like to look at the pictures we have so that you can see how you held her?  You were so good with her, such a good big brother.  You held her gently and kissed her forehead."

Buzz, "Yes, I would like to see those."

"I guess if Bug and I died then we wouldn't be Squeaker's brother and sister anymore."

Mama, "No Honey, you'll always be Squeaker's brother and sister, whether you are here or in Heaven. Do you remember in the book Heaven I_S F_or Re_al when the little boy goes to Heaven?  When he's there he meets his sister that his mom miscarried.  He had no idea that he had a sister, but he met her there.  When we go to Heaven, I believe we will see our loved ones and we will know each other."

Buzz, "Maybe we'll all be babies in Heaven."

Mama, "That would be interesting, wouldn't it?  I'm not sure how old we'll be in Heaven, but the Bible does say that we will be free from pain and sickness.  And everyone will get along. Maybe we can run with the cheetahs. Won't that be great?"

Bug, "I want to run with the cheetahs!  I want to learn how to run like a cheetah."

I know that there were some more really neat details to this conversation, but I can't remember them right now.

I love these big kiddos…they are such a blessing to me and their daddy.

Thanks to Heather for these pictures. :)

My Sweet Boy...A Thoughtful, Loving Brother

As I was helping Buzz get ready for bed tonight, we had another very special conversation.  He was having some deep thoughts, as usual.  Our conversation went something like this...

I can't remember exactly how it started, but all the sudden Buzz was saying something about having three babies in a mommy's tummy.  I explained that those are called triplets.  And that two babies at a time are called twins.  (FYI...this mommy doesn't have any babies in her tummy.)

Eventually I said something like, "we have three babies here on earth and three in Heaven."

Buzz replied, "you had three miscarriages."

I then explained, "well, technically the first two were called miscarriages and then Solveig was termed a stillbirth.  The miscarried babies were so tiny.  I had just found out that I was pregnant with both of them and wasn't very far along at all and nobody could tell that I was pregnant.  I didn't get to see those babies and I didn't deliver them like I delivered the other four of you.  When I had Solveig, she was born still.  That means that she had died inside of me and she was still when she came out.  That is why it is called a stillbirth." (For those of you who've had late term miscarriages, I by no means was trying to diminish that by this explanation...those are so different than the early miscarriages I had...and I didn't know if a 5 year old could quite understand all the differences just yet.  When the kids are older, I want to explain more details about that to them so that they can have a fuller understanding.)

Buzz...silence...and then, "I miss Solveig.  I want to see her again.  I didn't get to see her very long."

Me, "I know, Honey.  You only got to see her that one day when you came to the hospital to see her and we took pictures.  Would you like to see the pictures again?"

Buzz, "Yes, I want to see them."

We looked at the pictures.  I told him, "you looked so sad, but you were such a proud brother."

Buzz, "I was very sad.  I was sad because I didn't want her to die.  I want to see her again."

Me, "You will see her again.  We will see her again in Heaven one day."

Buzz, "I bet that Solveig is older than me.  I bet that she is older than Squeaker too.  Maybe she's like three or something."

Me, "Maybe so, Honey.  I don't know for sure.  But I can hardly wait to see her again."

Buzz, "I like Squeaker too."

Me, "Me too, Honey!  He's such a blessing, isn't he?  I'm so glad that we have him!  I'm so glad that we have all of you!  You are so special to us!  And you are such a good brother.  You will always remember Solveig, and we'll always talk about her.  You can always ask me about her."

Tears were flowing between both of us.  He wanted to snuggle and I held him close...grateful for this child with such a tender heart, so full of love.

These precious moments I hope I never forget.  I hope I never get too busy to stop and take in these times that are meant to be treasured.  I need to help my kids process their thoughts and emotions about all things, including the loss of three siblings.

Erik and I both hope that the life experiences that our children are having and the fact that we are choosing to face the good, bad and the ugly head on will help them in the long run.  I don't want them to be afraid of death.  I don't want them to be afraid to live each moment to the fullest either.  Rather, I want them to run this race that is set before them...keeping their eyes on Jesus...the author and perfecter of their faith.  May He give us all the strength that we need each moment of every day, whether we are feeling weak or we are feeling strong.  We need Him.

Shoes To Grow Into...

Tonight I was going through some bins of kids shoes in an effort to see what we have, to give some away...and apparently to reminisce and daydream.  When I got to the little girl shoes for tiny little feet I had a moment of realizing that our sweet Solveig wouldn't be wearing those shoes here on this earth.  The shoes that her big sister Bug wore will instead go to some other little girls.  And that is a really good thing.  But it's also a hard thing for me today.  I lost it.  The tears started rolling down my cheeks and my sweet Erik came over to hold me.  He is a great comforter and I appreciate him so much.

I decided that I will probably keep a few pair of tiny shoes for the sentimental factor and they will go in Bug's bin of childhood treasures.  There are some things like those shoes and the tiny baby clothes that have been so hard to part with.  I still cannot get myself to go through the preemie, newborn and 0-3 month size girl clothes.  And I don't know that I will be able to for quite some time.  So I guess they'll just stay in our storage area for now, and that is okay.  I'm learning to just let that type of thing be okay because it just has to be for now.

Do you think we'll wear shoes in Heaven? I wonder what the weather will be like there.  I wonder if the ground will be such that people just won't need to wear shoes.  There are people like that anyway who don't wear shoes here in our country as well as in many other parts of the world.  But maybe it will just be that we don't need shoes, period.  I think that everything will be so perfect that we won't have to worry about stepping on sharp objects or tripping on sticks or stones or supporting our wimpy arches in our feet.

Her little feet are probably romping around the fields as she chases the cheetahs...how I long to run with her and tickle those little feet...

Rainbow Trees in Heaven

Precious Buzz has such insightful things to share with me.  Just now while we were eating lunch we were talking about hospitals.  He remembered the hospital where he met his baby sister, Solveig.  I was reminding him how he got to hold her and asked him if he was glad he got to hold her.  He said, "yes."

Then he said, "we didn't get an angel, we just got a baby."  (I think this might have been a thought from  a book that we were given about having an angel instead of a baby.)

We talked about this and I said, "well, our baby died and now she lives with the angels in Heaven.  So I guess she's kind of like an angel for us."

He said, "but I wonder it there are trees in Heaven."

I replied, "yes Honey, I bet there are lots of beautiful trees...and I imagine that they look much different than any of the trees that we see here on earth."

Buzz said with joy on his face, "the trees in Heaven are all different colors of the rainbow!"

I smiled too and said, "I bet they are Honey!  They are probably so gorgeous!  Are you excited to see them?"

"Yes," he simply replied.  And then he started singing a song about the trees and their many colors.

Oh he is such a gem, that kid.  I love his thoughts about Heaven, and I absolutely cherish the times that we can have these conversations.

Another Conversation About Heaven

This morning, my sweet boy and I had a beautiful conversation about Heaven.  It went something like this...

"Buzz, I will always love you.  Please remember that I will always love you."

Buzz said, "even when you die?  Will you still love me then?"

Mama replied, "yes Buzz, I believe that I will.  Because the Bible says that we will recognize our loved ones in Heaven.  So I will know you and I will still love you!"

He said, "but there won't be any toys in Heaven."

I said, "well I don't know for sure about that part.  Maybe there will be some toys.  But more importantly, we're going to be so in awe of Jesus that nothing else is going to matter.  Everything in Heaven will be amazing."

Buzz then inquired, "will there be food in Heaven?"

I said, "yes, Honey, there will be lots of food!  In the Bible it talks about having a feast in Heaven!"

He then said, "but the streets are made of gold and that will hurt!"

I replied after thinking for a moment, "you mean, if you fall down on the gold streets it might hurt?"

"Yes," he said, "it would hurt.  I fall down a lot and get hurt a lot."

"Well, I don't think it will hurt because nothing is supposed to hurt anymore in Heaven.  There will be no more tears, no more pain and no more suffering," I said.

Buzz looked at my face and saw some tears and began wiping them away.  He said, "you have a tear on your cheek."

"Yes Honey, I do have a tear.  I'm crying because I'm missing your sister Solveig right now.  But she is in Heaven and she is having a wonderful time there."  Then I asked, "do you miss her?"

In his sweet big brother voice he said, "yes, I miss her...so much."

Be still my sad heart...this brother has such an affection for the baby sister whose shell he didn't know for more than an hour.  What a gift that he still cares for her.  And I hope he always remembers her.  I think he will, simply by virtue of the fact that we talk about her and look at her photos often.

I told him, "I'm so sorry that you didn't get to grow up with her on earth.  But when we get to Heaven, we will see her again and that will be amazing."

I held that little man for the longest time and the tears continue to stream down my face as I type this.  My gratefulness for the two who remain in my arms here on earth is full today.  I love them with a depth I never knew to be humanly possible.  And I cherish our moments that we have.

Thank you Lord for the gift of life.  May we spend it wisely.

He was so proud to hold her and to be a big brother...he didn't even seem to mind that she was no longer with us in spirit and that her skin was turning purple...

More Conversations With Kids

The family table is a great place to share conversations.  Sometimes the conversations are about very simple, surface like topics.  But there are times that the conversations dig much deeper.  Today at lunch,  we were talking about Solveig after the kids brought her up.  I love it when they bring her up...when ANYONE brings her up. :)  I like to think of her and to talk about her.

So today, Bug was talking about how she couldn't wait to see Solveig in Heaven and to see how much she had grown.  I said, "we don't know how big she'll be when we meet her in Heaven.  That will be interesting to find out."  Bug said, "I think she will have grown taller!"  Buzz said, "I want Solveig to gwow and gwow and gwow!" (he cannot say his r's right now at age 4 - it's really cute)

Then Buzz said, "but I don't know if Solveig will be in Heaven."

I thought about this.  And of course, after discussing this matter with lots of people now including our pastor, I know that the Bible does not say for sure if babies are in Heaven.  But when we met with our pastor He affirmed that it all comes down to remembering the character of God...that He is a loving, just and merciful God.  There are lots of scriptures from the Bible that speak of children being loved by Jesus...that "the kingdom of God belongs to such as these," etc.  So it seems to make sense to our earthly minds that babies ought to be there, since even though they are born with a sin nature they have not yet had a chance to commit an earthly sin.

But Buzz was puzzled by the idea that he didn't know for sure where his sister would be.

I reminded him that I believe without a doubt that our baby Solveig is there.  And I told him about how God had given me a vision awhile back about Solveig, dancing and playing on the streets of gold.  He smiled as he thought about that, and so did my Bug.  It makes me smile too.

Buzz pondered some things a bit more and then said, "we will have to take a car to Heaven."

I said, "What makes you think that?"

He said, "because I don't wanna have to walk vewy wong!!!" (translation - very long)

Bug replied, "you don't have to walk you silly goose!  Jesus lifts you up!"

This brought joy to my heart and tears to my eyes...the image of Jesus lifting us to Heaven...the image of Him lifting my Solveig to Heaven...

I look forward to that day.  For now, I am here to keep being a mama to my sweet children and a wife to my precious Erik...roles that I love and I'm so grateful to have.

And I'll always be Solveig's mommy...always.

Her Name In The Sand...

Today, I'm linking up again with my blog friend Tesha.  If you're visiting from her website today, I'm glad you're here.  If you're trying to find my story, I haven't yet put a special button on my blog to say "start here" or something of that nature.  But if you go to the labels on the right hand side, you can pick the label "Solveig" to read about my daughter.

If you don't know Tesha yet, I encourage you to read her story here about her sweet family and their loss of their precious son, Jonathan.  He was born too early this past January, and dear Tesha has done a beautiful job of honoring her son through her story on her blog.  She has been a real encouragement to me and to so many others.

Briefly for the newbies...
Solveig Sofia was born still February 29, 2012 at 8:03 am weighing in at 3 lbs. 11 oz.  She was 33.5 weeks in gestation.  Her cause of death is known, unlike many others who experience stillbirth.  Solveig had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck three times, around her arm, around her middle and also a true knot in the cord.  We are devastated by this loss, but we are choosing to trust in the Lord through the midst of the difficulty.  He has shown Himself to be so real to us during this trial.

Sunday May 6th was International Bereaved Mother's Day.  Tesha did an awesome thing in honor of my precious Solveig and MANY other little babies who are in Heaven.  She wrote their names in the sand using shells.  How amazing is that???  I cannot tell you what it did for my spirit to see my daughter's name written out like that and on her blog!  I was so surprised and had no idea that she had this wonderful gift in store. :)  THANK YOU TESHA!!!  I wish I lived near the ocean so I could find beautiful shells and flowers to create these things as you have done.  For now, I'll have to settle for Minnesota rocks and shells and lakes...which are also great, and pretty in a different way than your landscape.

Here it is:

Isn't that so cool?  There is nothing quite like seeing my daughter's name spelled out.  It warms my heart and gives me the chills all at the same time.  Here's a few more pictures that Tesha made for me...

I miss my little Solveig so much.  The days of feeling intense, gut wrenching pain have waned a bit.  Now it seems I have more moments of feeling that pain, but they last for a much shorter duration than they did previously.  I still think about Solveig every single day, throughout the day, but I'm able to go on and do other things more than I was even a few weeks ago.  That seems healthy and good, and I'm grateful that I've gotten to that place.  I know that the waves will come and go though, as that is how grief tends to operate.

But for this moment on this day, I'm going to again be grateful that I had the chance to carry that sweet girl in my womb and know her there.  And I'm going to look forward to holding her in Heaven again one day.  I can hardly wait!

I miss you dear Solveig.  I'll ALWAYS love you and think of you...

Love,
Mama

Castle In The Clouds...

A few weeks back, I had the privilege of spending five and a half hours visiting with Candy McVicar from the Missing Grace Foundation.  We bonded immediately over the shared loss of our daughters, both of whom died due to stillbirth.  While I was at the Center For Grace, the Missing Grace headquarters, I looked around in their gift shop.  There before my eyes, I saw the most amazing depiction of God’s castle in the clouds.  It was a painted picture of a little girl, facing the castle and looking so excited to enter into it.  For me, immediately I thought of my Solveig.  The picture reminded me so much of her and what she might look like as an older child.  Not only that, but it brought me comfort thinking of her entering into God’s castle in the sky.  It helped me to see from an earthly childlike perspective what my children might envision as they think of their sister and other two little siblings in Heaven.  Of course I had to buy a copy of this print.  Here it is:

I plan to hang it somewhere in our home, but have yet to figure out where.

Today while I was trying to rest but not able to fall asleep, I had a most beautiful vision from the Lord.  Much like the painting I described, He showed me my daughter Solveig…walking through the pearly gates with a huge smile on her face, giggling and ready to see Jesus.  She was walking on the streets of gold and the eternal sunshine was radiating onto her as she approached the throne of Jesus and His castle in the clouds.  Tears filled my eyes as I thought about this and joy spilled over into my soul.  Comfort came to my weary spirit and I thanked the Lord for this most incredible gift of knowing that my baby is with Him forever. 

Right before that attempted nap, I was reading in 2 Corinthians. Here is what I found:

“Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in Heaven, not built by human hands.” – 2 Cor. 5:1-

I want to go to that eternal house in Heaven…the castle He has built in the clouds.

This song also came to my mind…as sung by the character Cosette from the musical Les Miserables.

Lyrics are by Alain Boublil and Jean-Marc Natel.

Castle On A Cloud

There is a castle on a cloud, I like to go there in my sleep, Aren't any floors for me to sweep, Not in my castle on a cloud. There is a room that's full of toys, There are a hundred boys and girls, Nobody shouts or talks too loud, Not in my castle on a cloud. There is a lady all in white, Holds me and sings a lullaby, She's nice to see and she's soft to touch, She says "Cosette, I love you very much." I know a place where no one's lost, I know a place where no one cries, Crying at all is not allowed, Not in my castle on a cloud. For me, that is a sweet childlike description of what Heaven might be like…and I just love hearing the song.  Here's a link to a video of it.  I've had several voice students sing this piece over the years and I always love working on it with them.  Now, it will make me think of my Solveig.  Maybe I can teach Bug the song...she'd probably love to sing it with her sweet, clear voice. :)

Big Sister's Thoughts

Many sweet thoughts have been coming out of our children's mouths these last few weeks. Today at lunch, Bug started talking about Solveig and said, "Sometimes when I think about Solveig, I like to call her 'Sissy.' (I know that she means sister, of course.) That's just like when Buzz was a baby and he would call me [insert nickname]." I asked her, "Do you miss Solveig?" Her reply was, "Yes, I do. Sometimes at night when I'm trying to go to sleep, I think about her and about all the fun times that we would've had together." Tears from the mama...unstoppable...leaving me speechless....Then I say to her, "well one day when we're in Heaven together, we'll have a great time together with Solveig." Bug says, "Yes, that will be great. We won't have to live in separate houses anymore."

No my dear, we will not. For we will all live in God's big house with many many rooms...oh how I long to be there.

Strawberry Dresses

Because we already have one daughter, I didn't need to do much in the way of shopping to prepare for little Solveig. I figured I'd have most of the things I needed to get her started at least, and I would just fill in the "holes" where needed. But every now and then when I was out shopping, something would catch my eye and I would buy it for my baby girl. Just a few special items made their way home with me, and also some essentials such as diapers and a new diaper bag.

Tonight, Erik and I decided that it was time to take stock of which items needed to be returned to the store. I just went into the nursery and melted when I came across certain things...like the "little sister" onesie and sleeper that I was looking forward to her wearing...and the "big brother" book that I had purchased for Buzz. He was so excited to be a big brother, and a good one he would be. I decided that I would keep the little sister onesie and sleeper for now, because honestly, I just couldn't part with them. Then there was the open pack of newborn size diapers that the kids and I had opened a few weeks ago, just so we could see how adorable and tiny those little covers really are. They were so excited about the diapers...so was I...

The last bag that I opened up held some adorable matching red strawberry dresses that I bought for Bug and her little sister, hoping that they would wear them later this summer and we'd find a cute green shirt for Buzz to join in on the fun. I had in my mind a very cute photo session with the three of them. And now that is not to be.

Thinking about things like the strawberry dresses, future photo sessions, growth milestones...all these things which will not be for our Solveig...these things are difficult to swallow and to accept.

Maybe there are fields of strawberries in Heaven for us to eat together...maybe she's eating some right now...I look forward to the feast there with our daughter.

The Charm Bracelet

February 27th...this was the day after we found out that Solveig was no longer alive inside of me. We learned mid day from Dr. L that we would need to go to the hospital the next day to begin the induction process and prepare for arrival of our daughter. There were so many details to be taken care of and it was overwhelming. Not only did we need to make sure that the kids would have child care, but the dog needed to have her own arrangements and we needed to pack and prepare mentally for what was to come. That evening, Erik's parents were able to come and stay with the kids so that we could go out and do some last minute shopping. We wanted to buy something special for the baby to wear - we wanted her to be pretty for her pictures. At first I had it in my head that I needed to get a fancy dress of some sort, but it is very difficult to find something fancy for a tiny preemie. After making lots of phone calls to local stores, I decided that we just needed to go out and do some looking. We came upon this beautiful and simple white gown and upon seeing it we both knew that it was the one for our little girl. We found this soft and cuddly blanket and decided we would wrap her up in it. I decided that it would be best if we all wore white for our photos so that we could be coordinated. For Bug, we found an adorable white dress and Buzz had a white shirt at home. I found a white top and Daddy had a white shirt as well.

After finding the clothes, I had this burning desire to go and find a piece of jewelry to help remember and commemorate Solveig's life. This is something that was suggested to me earlier that day when I spoke with an amazing woman from the hospital who helps with grief counseling. She had been through a stillbirth years earlier and said that having a special piece of jewelry was often a very helpful thing for people like us. We made our way to this store and the sales lady helped us to find a very simple and elegant bracelet on which we could place charms that were meaningful to us. We chose some initial charms to represent our three children, and also a special charm just for Solveig that had a cross on one side and said "believe" on the other side. For her, we also bought the same "S" charm and cross charm and had them placed inside a small box that was later displayed next to and then placed in her casket. I told Erik and also the sales lady that the cross charm had multiple meanings for me. I believe in the cross, and in Christ's death on the cross for our sins. But I also believe that it is because of His death on the cross that our Solveig is now in Heaven celebrating eternal life. We have the promise of being there for all eternity with our daughter because of the cross.

Every time I look at that bracelet, I am grateful for my Savior and his blood shed for us on the cross. And I'm grateful for His loving arms wrapped around our daughter. For until we are there to hold her ourselves, He will care for her in our place. That my friends is comforting.

Solveig Sofia...Born Still

After a very long hiatus from blogging, I now have great reason to return. The need to process the grief which my dear man and I are facing is overwhelming, and I'd like to do some of that through my blog.

Dear friends,

Our daughter Solveig Sofia was born still on February 29th, 2012, weighing just 3 lbs. 11 oz., and measuring 18 in. long. She was about 33.5 weeks of gestational age at the time of her death inside my womb. The cause of her death was the umbilical cord wrapped tightly around her tiny body...three times around her neck, around her arms and her midsection, and also holding in it a true knot. We were glad to at least have a reason for her death, albeit an extremely difficult one, as many do not have that type of knowledge. But after seeing our precious girl following her delivery, we looked at her sweet body and saw how perfectly formed she had been. There was nothing else wrong with her, that we are aware of. That part is really hard to think about. She could have been completely viable outside of my body at this stage in the pregnancy, but the cord got in the way. We will not have all the answers here on Earth. I so want to know why, and I find myself asking God. But I know that when we get to Heaven one day and we are reunited with Solveig, we will also be joined with our Savior Jesus Christ and we will be able to ask Him all about what happened.

This is just the first of what I imagine will be many installments to come...stay tuned...

And thank you for all of your love and prayers. We have felt completely surrounded by the Body of Christ through all of this and we know that the Lord loves us immensely, as He loved Solveig.