Her Name In The Sand...

Today, I'm linking up again with my blog friend Tesha.  If you're visiting from her website today, I'm glad you're here.  If you're trying to find my story, I haven't yet put a special button on my blog to say "start here" or something of that nature.  But if you go to the labels on the right hand side, you can pick the label "Solveig" to read about my daughter.

If you don't know Tesha yet, I encourage you to read her story here about her sweet family and their loss of their precious son, Jonathan.  He was born too early this past January, and dear Tesha has done a beautiful job of honoring her son through her story on her blog.  She has been a real encouragement to me and to so many others.

Briefly for the newbies...
Solveig Sofia was born still February 29, 2012 at 8:03 am weighing in at 3 lbs. 11 oz.  She was 33.5 weeks in gestation.  Her cause of death is known, unlike many others who experience stillbirth.  Solveig had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck three times, around her arm, around her middle and also a true knot in the cord.  We are devastated by this loss, but we are choosing to trust in the Lord through the midst of the difficulty.  He has shown Himself to be so real to us during this trial.

Sunday May 6th was International Bereaved Mother's Day.  Tesha did an awesome thing in honor of my precious Solveig and MANY other little babies who are in Heaven.  She wrote their names in the sand using shells.  How amazing is that???  I cannot tell you what it did for my spirit to see my daughter's name written out like that and on her blog!  I was so surprised and had no idea that she had this wonderful gift in store. :)  THANK YOU TESHA!!!  I wish I lived near the ocean so I could find beautiful shells and flowers to create these things as you have done.  For now, I'll have to settle for Minnesota rocks and shells and lakes...which are also great, and pretty in a different way than your landscape.

Here it is:

Isn't that so cool?  There is nothing quite like seeing my daughter's name spelled out.  It warms my heart and gives me the chills all at the same time.  Here's a few more pictures that Tesha made for me...

I miss my little Solveig so much.  The days of feeling intense, gut wrenching pain have waned a bit.  Now it seems I have more moments of feeling that pain, but they last for a much shorter duration than they did previously.  I still think about Solveig every single day, throughout the day, but I'm able to go on and do other things more than I was even a few weeks ago.  That seems healthy and good, and I'm grateful that I've gotten to that place.  I know that the waves will come and go though, as that is how grief tends to operate.

But for this moment on this day, I'm going to again be grateful that I had the chance to carry that sweet girl in my womb and know her there.  And I'm going to look forward to holding her in Heaven again one day.  I can hardly wait!

I miss you dear Solveig.  I'll ALWAYS love you and think of you...

Love,
Mama

Pray...Brother Joel

UPDATE ON JOEL 5/7/12 - Thank you for praying for Joel!  His surgery today went well and he is currently recovering.  Please continue to pray for him...pray against infection, pray for complete recovery...thank you so much.

It has been awhile since I've posted anything about my brother Joel.  Here's a brief synopsis of Joel's history:

Joel is married and has three children.  He was diagnosed with colon cancer in the fall of 2009 at age 37.  At that time, he had major surgery to remove a large portion of his colon.  Then he went through chemo. for awhile and was finally declared cancer free. Two years later, his cancer reappeared, this past fall of 2011.  However, this time the cancer was in different places - his liver and his lungs.  Joel underwent some more chemo. and then the dr.'s checked to see if his cancer had shrunk or spread.   Apparently his liver tumor has now shrunk some and his lung tumors are stable.

Tomorrow, Joel will be having liver surgery.  Approximately one third of his liver will be removed.

Please pray for Joel and his family.  Many of you have been praying for him these past few years, and we so appreciate that.

Thank you so much.  I love my brothers and am so blessed to have them in my life.

The below picture captured a fun moment with my brothers and our dear uncle last Easter in our home...

left to right - Brothers Joel & Eric and our Uncle Ron - Easter 2011

Outfits and Blankets

Ever since we had Solveig nine weeks ago today, I have felt the need to take action and do something to help other people who have gone through the loss of a baby.  One thing that I wrote about before was how special it was for us to have a special outfit and blanket for our baby.  I also purchased duplicates of those items so that I will always have the duplicates with me to help remember Solveig.

I was lucky to have the time to go out and find these items, but many expectant parents have no forewarning that their little one is going to die and thus certainly don't have time to go out shopping.  Or maybe they don't have the energy to go and get something.  Maybe they don't have the funds to purchase these special items.  Whatever the case, there are people who don't have special outfits or blankets for their babies after they die, and they might not have a lot of options at the hospital they are in.  Some hospitals have a few items that have been donated but they can probably always use more.  Our hospital did have a few outfits and hats that had been donated...but I can honestly say that the outfits weren't things that I would probably choose.  I sort of feel bad even admitting that, but it's true.  People have different ideas about what is beautiful and suitable for them and their babies, so it would be nice to provide a variety of lovely options and then let the family have their choice of what they would like.

All of this to say, I really would like to start collecting new, beautiful baby blankets and outfits in preemie and newborn sizes to donate to the hospital where we had our Solveig for people like us who are experiencing stillbirth/antenatal death or postnatal death of an infant.  And I'd like to try to donate these in pairs, so that there is a duplicate outfit and blanket for the parents to take with them if they plan to have their baby buried in that outfit as we did.

I don't really know how to go about this, but if you're reading this and you feel led to participate in this effort, please let me know.  Perhaps a non-profit thing will come from this...or maybe just a small sized effort. :)  Regardless, I know that I intend to donate outfits and blankets in pairs to the hospital in honor of our little Solveig.  Maybe that will be one of the ways that we commemorate her birthday each year...or more!

I'm looking forward to going back to the maternity floor with bags full of outfits and blankets. :)  I think that will be healing...

Castle In The Clouds...

A few weeks back, I had the privilege of spending five and a half hours visiting with Candy McVicar from the Missing Grace Foundation.  We bonded immediately over the shared loss of our daughters, both of whom died due to stillbirth.  While I was at the Center For Grace, the Missing Grace headquarters, I looked around in their gift shop.  There before my eyes, I saw the most amazing depiction of God’s castle in the clouds.  It was a painted picture of a little girl, facing the castle and looking so excited to enter into it.  For me, immediately I thought of my Solveig.  The picture reminded me so much of her and what she might look like as an older child.  Not only that, but it brought me comfort thinking of her entering into God’s castle in the sky.  It helped me to see from an earthly childlike perspective what my children might envision as they think of their sister and other two little siblings in Heaven.  Of course I had to buy a copy of this print.  Here it is:

I plan to hang it somewhere in our home, but have yet to figure out where.

Today while I was trying to rest but not able to fall asleep, I had a most beautiful vision from the Lord.  Much like the painting I described, He showed me my daughter Solveig…walking through the pearly gates with a huge smile on her face, giggling and ready to see Jesus.  She was walking on the streets of gold and the eternal sunshine was radiating onto her as she approached the throne of Jesus and His castle in the clouds.  Tears filled my eyes as I thought about this and joy spilled over into my soul.  Comfort came to my weary spirit and I thanked the Lord for this most incredible gift of knowing that my baby is with Him forever. 

Right before that attempted nap, I was reading in 2 Corinthians. Here is what I found:

“Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in Heaven, not built by human hands.” – 2 Cor. 5:1-

I want to go to that eternal house in Heaven…the castle He has built in the clouds.

This song also came to my mind…as sung by the character Cosette from the musical Les Miserables.

Lyrics are by Alain Boublil and Jean-Marc Natel.

Castle On A Cloud

There is a castle on a cloud, I like to go there in my sleep, Aren't any floors for me to sweep, Not in my castle on a cloud. There is a room that's full of toys, There are a hundred boys and girls, Nobody shouts or talks too loud, Not in my castle on a cloud. There is a lady all in white, Holds me and sings a lullaby, She's nice to see and she's soft to touch, She says "Cosette, I love you very much." I know a place where no one's lost, I know a place where no one cries, Crying at all is not allowed, Not in my castle on a cloud. For me, that is a sweet childlike description of what Heaven might be like…and I just love hearing the song.  Here's a link to a video of it.  I've had several voice students sing this piece over the years and I always love working on it with them.  Now, it will make me think of my Solveig.  Maybe I can teach Bug the song...she'd probably love to sing it with her sweet, clear voice. :)

Our Story - Part Five

Two months ago today she was born still.  I was sitting at Bug's church choir program this evening and happened to look down at my watch...April 29th...the 29th...two months ago, February 29th was Solveig's birth day.  It didn't cause me to burst into tears or anything like that, but just the recognition factor kicked in and I was reminded of her.  I like being reminded of her.  I like to think about her, because she is my daughter and she always will be.  I've had several great days of living life quite fully and having joy again.  This is a blessing.  I'm hopeful there will be more of those before the next wave swells up to shore in my heart.

So, the story continues...part five...

I left off in the funeral home.  We gave Solveig to our funeral director Dan, only about 32 hours after her birth.  I believe with all my heart that Dan and the other funeral directors, Sharon and Richard, took great care of my baby girl's body.  And I thank them for that.  They showed the utmost respect to us and we are so appreciative.  Thank you, funeral directors.

We walked out of that funeral home and I felt so strange, not having Solveig in my arms.  It was odd to not carry her around with me anymore.  There was something so "normal" about holding my baby in my arms, even if she was dead.  It made me feel like a mama to her.  But leaving her...that did NOT feel right.      I just knew that I had to do it, and I did.  Her weight was gone, which equals absence of an unwanted sort. Nobody wants to feel that type of absence, but God has allowed me and Erik to feel that.  I can tell you one thing...I hold my other two children more tightly now.  I watch them like a hawk.  Yes, I feel a bit of "helicopter mom" coming on.  And it's not because I want to be like that.  I think it's just an instinctual thing that has happened.  A fear I face now of not wanting anything to happen to my Bug and Buzz.  I don't know what I'd do if something happened to them.  And yet the utter reality I've been faced with is also that I am to continually present my children to the Lord.  They belong to HIM, not me.  They are just on loan to me for awhile on this earth.  Kellie talked about this the other day and it really sank in with me. Sure I've thought about it before, but after releasing our daughter to the Lord I understood it fully for the first time...the need to surrender.  We humans hate surrender.  We want to keep a tight grip on that which we consider dear and sacred to us.  But we are called to let go.  Such a hard lesson, but so true.

I touched on this before, but after we left the funeral home we visited three different cemeteries and finally found our sweet country cemetery.  I really like going there and I'm surprised I don't have the urge to go every day.  But I don't.  I love going there though and always treasure my moments near Solveig's grave.  I'm looking forward to ordering her a headstone.  Her grave will also be mine.  That is kind of an odd thing - to already know where my body will be laid to rest.  But for some reason, it truly gives me a peace knowing that my body will be laid with hers.  We will be together again physically, but we will be together again spiritually even before that.  When my spirit leaves my body and flies to Jesus, my baby will be there waiting for me.  I can hardly wait.  Okay...now the tears are coming.  See, I knew they would come sometime soon.  It's this writing business...it pulls out the good, the bad and the difficult...but I'm finding it so worth it all.  Such healing is coming through it for me.  So...back to the grave...one of the neatest things about the cemetery we chose is that it is SO small.  It is run by volunteers from a church, as it is that church's cemetery.  It is nice that we didn't have to be members of that church to use their cemetery.  The sweet people who volunteer their time are such gems of humanity.  I have met a few of them and have had the chance to thank them for what they do.  One of them told me that he really enjoys being out there, and finds it so peaceful.  Bless his heart.  There is a sweet pond that was frozen when we were choosing the cemetery so we didn't get to see it then.  Of course it has since thawed and it is adorable, and lots of birds gather round.  I like to sit on the benches near the pond and walk around it and think.

After leaving the cemetery, we came home and crashed.  Our parents were taking turns watching the kids, so we were able to relieve them and spend a little time with our kids and just rest in our own home again.  Of course it was bizarre to come home without our baby.  The law here in MN does say that parents are allowed to take their babies home from the hospital if they want to...but as I alluded to before, there are some challenges between the state law, hospital regulations and funeral home policies that didn't make it possible for us to bring Solveig home.  But in all honesty, I don't think I would have wanted to do that.  Some people really like to do that, and I think that's neat for them.  Some people like that they can bring their baby home and spend time rocking the baby in his or her room, visit with family and friends in a less stressful atmosphere, etc.  But for us it was okay that we didn't take that route.  We felt right about leaving her with the funeral directors.  And we knew we'd see her physical body again a few times before we buried her, so that helped a little bit.

Our kids were so glad to have us home again.  They needed their mommy and daddy, and we needed them.  I was so glad to be able to hold them in my arms again.  We started to read some of the books we had been given for children going through the loss of a baby sibling.  I'm so glad for those resources.  One of my favorite books for them isn't really about grief, but it's just about Heaven.  If you haven't yet read Heaven Is For Real, I highly encourage you to do so.  We had read it a few months before Solveig's death and have found it incredibly helpful for understanding perhaps a bit more about what Heaven is like.  There happens to be a kids version of the book which has GORGEOUS illustrations and has brought to life even more the reality of Heaven for us and for our kids.

The next day was Friday.  We woke up knowing that we would have a LOT to do this day.  The first thing we did was to go to my favorite store with the big red bullseye to obtain a replacement white blanket, identical to the one that we had purchased for Solveig to be wrapped in.   We then went to the funeral home to see Solveig again and to choose a casket for her.  We were able to spend a long time holding her again and looking at her tiny, beautiful features.  She was cold because she had been in the refrigerator.  I know, hard to hear, but real.  But again, it really didn't matter to us.  She still looked so pretty to us.  She was still our sweet girl...the one who had had been warm and had come out only two days earlier.  I wanted to cherish every moment that I could with her.  After holding her for awhile, we switched out the blankets.  I took the bloodied blanket that had held my daughter's body as I wanted to keep it with me forever, and we wrapped her instead in the identical blanket.

We were then presented with three options for a casket.  There was a tiny white one which wasn't really long enough for Solveig's eighteen inch body.  Then there was a white one that was a little bit bigger.  And then there was a beautiful marbled light pink one.  Erik and I were both immediately drawn to that pink one and we knew it was right for our girl.  It was so pretty.  I never knew I'd call a casket pretty, but this one sure was.  Sharon, the funeral director we worked with that morning, said that the pink casket was brand new and she decided to bring it along for us to see.  I'm so glad that she did.  Casket shopping for our child was so strange and definitely brought out a whole new flood of tears.  These are decisions that parents don't want to have to face.

After mustering up enough strength to yet again leave our daughter behind, we left the funeral home and went out shopping for more things.  Next up, we had to go back to the cemetery to actually choose a plot.  Sobering.  But Jerry, the sweet man who volunteers and helped us out, was so tender with us.  He had tears in his eyes and just a sweet, soft-spoken manner.  I appreciate him greatly.

Erik got a new suit as he hadn't gotten one of those since his first job interview. :)  Bless him.  We found a really helpful guy at our local department store who heard our story and immediately went to work helping Erik.  I thankfully have a closet full of black formals from singing, so there were a few options that would work with my swollen, just had a baby body.  I settled on one black velvet dress that I wore in college and have used several times since!  It has that timeless look, so I doubt anyone knew how old it was...but now you know!  Bug would wear her beautiful white dress which we bought for the hospital pictures, and Buzz would wear his black suit and tie from Christmas.

We also had to tend to the final details of our funeral program which we had been planning since Sunday night when we found out that Solveig was gone.  Thank you to sweet Lisa for working behind the scenes to make our program look AMAZING.  It was so pretty and delicate, just like our little girl.

This picture was on the front of the program...

I love this one.  It's so tender and soft and sweet.  I think our Solving had a sweet spirit.  I could sense that.  I think that she was also feisty like our other two kids, as she was constantly busy inside of me.  But sometimes I wonder if some of her busyness was related to her cord strictures...and that she might have been trying to move her way out of something that wasn't comfortable...we'll never know.  I'm just so glad that I got to feel her in me at all.  She was a miracle.  I'll not forget that.

There is so much more to share, but this post is already super long...so I'll save more for another day...thanks for reading and thanks for your continued prayers for our family.  We feel such a peace and strength.  The kind of peace that is perfect from the Lord.

The following was my mom's life verse while she was going through her cancer, almost 12 years ago...

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."
-Isaiah 26:2-4-

Replay

For a few days I've been doing really well and haven't had any major meltdowns.  It has been nice to be living life with my family, enjoying my kids and being grateful for the safe return of my Erik.  He was gone for four nights on a business trip to the Na_pa Val_ley area of Ca_lifor_nia.  Nice, right?  :)  I'm happy for him that he could get away for a little bit.  It was so healthy for both of us to have some time to think and reflect.  But I'm SO glad that he is home again as I missed him a lot!

Today we had the chance to spend time with some sweet friends who are here from Sea_ttle.  It was a nice little reunion.  On the way home, I started telling Erik how my mind has been rehearsing what happened with Solveig.  Naturally, I think about her all the time.  And some of the time my thoughts are consumed with how she died and the process therein.  I will always vividly remember the 200 ticks that I felt in rapid succession.  I will probably always wish that I had called the Dr. right away to ask about that and then rush to the hospital to see if we could save Solveig's life.  But the reality is, even if we had gotten to her before she was completely gone, she may have been brain dead from having a seizure.  I really believe it was a seizure that was happening to her.  I'd like to learn more about this ordeal and really study it from a medical perspective because it is quite fascinating to me now.  I want to know as many details and potential scenarios from an earthly perspective as I possibly can.  That's just how I operate.  I'm hoping that I can get my hands on some medical journal articles about this type of seizure caused by the cord stricture, and I'm hoping to speak with some doctors about it.  People can tell me to get over it or move on or try to let go of it...but as a mama who has lost this little life, I think I'll always remember her last moments inside of me...and I'll always wonder "what if."  What if she had been spared...would she have health problems from her struggle?  Would she have been mentally or physically challenged?  Would she have been fine?  Would she have lived for a little bit and then died?  I'll never know.  And she's not here.  And I'm learning to live in the "new normal".

At the same time, Erik and I were talking about the sovereignty of God and how it relates to Solveig and her life.  I do believe that He knew what would happen to her.  And I believe He is sovereign.  He is the author of life, and the author of time.  "He giveth and He taketh away."  As hard as it is for me to comprehend and as hard as it is to say at times, blessed be the name of the Lord.  He has been bringing joy in the midst of this pain.  He has been helping me to think of my little girl being complete and being full of true joy in the midst of the Lord.  He has shown me His presence and His strength in my hurt.  And He has been bringing me peace in the midst of what feels like a huge gale.  I still love the Lord.  I still worship Him.  And I still miss my Solveig and always will...but He is still good, no matter what.

A New Friend...Isaiah's Mama

When we lose someone close to us, we join a club.  This club isn't one that anyone would outright choose to join, but it's just there.  The club of others who have also lost is full of members whose lives you may intersect at any given time and any given place.  One such member is my new friend, Becky.  She and her husband Matt recently lost their precious baby boy Isaiah.  He was also born still, just a few weeks after Solveig.  Becky and I went to the same college but didn't know each other until our lives were bonded through this club of loss.  And although the circumstances for our meeting are difficult, I'm incredibly grateful to know another mama who is journeying a very similar path as mine at a similar time.  Sweet Becky, I am praying for you and Matt and your little children as you miss your Isaiah.  May God be so close to you and comfort you as you grieve.  Please join me in praying for Becky.  And if you'd like to follow her journey, click here to follow her blog.

Thanks.