Replay

For a few days I've been doing really well and haven't had any major meltdowns.  It has been nice to be living life with my family, enjoying my kids and being grateful for the safe return of my Erik.  He was gone for four nights on a business trip to the Na_pa Val_ley area of Ca_lifor_nia.  Nice, right?  :)  I'm happy for him that he could get away for a little bit.  It was so healthy for both of us to have some time to think and reflect.  But I'm SO glad that he is home again as I missed him a lot!

Today we had the chance to spend time with some sweet friends who are here from Sea_ttle.  It was a nice little reunion.  On the way home, I started telling Erik how my mind has been rehearsing what happened with Solveig.  Naturally, I think about her all the time.  And some of the time my thoughts are consumed with how she died and the process therein.  I will always vividly remember the 200 ticks that I felt in rapid succession.  I will probably always wish that I had called the Dr. right away to ask about that and then rush to the hospital to see if we could save Solveig's life.  But the reality is, even if we had gotten to her before she was completely gone, she may have been brain dead from having a seizure.  I really believe it was a seizure that was happening to her.  I'd like to learn more about this ordeal and really study it from a medical perspective because it is quite fascinating to me now.  I want to know as many details and potential scenarios from an earthly perspective as I possibly can.  That's just how I operate.  I'm hoping that I can get my hands on some medical journal articles about this type of seizure caused by the cord stricture, and I'm hoping to speak with some doctors about it.  People can tell me to get over it or move on or try to let go of it...but as a mama who has lost this little life, I think I'll always remember her last moments inside of me...and I'll always wonder "what if."  What if she had been spared...would she have health problems from her struggle?  Would she have been mentally or physically challenged?  Would she have been fine?  Would she have lived for a little bit and then died?  I'll never know.  And she's not here.  And I'm learning to live in the "new normal".

At the same time, Erik and I were talking about the sovereignty of God and how it relates to Solveig and her life.  I do believe that He knew what would happen to her.  And I believe He is sovereign.  He is the author of life, and the author of time.  "He giveth and He taketh away."  As hard as it is for me to comprehend and as hard as it is to say at times, blessed be the name of the Lord.  He has been bringing joy in the midst of this pain.  He has been helping me to think of my little girl being complete and being full of true joy in the midst of the Lord.  He has shown me His presence and His strength in my hurt.  And He has been bringing me peace in the midst of what feels like a huge gale.  I still love the Lord.  I still worship Him.  And I still miss my Solveig and always will...but He is still good, no matter what.

A Little Piece of Heaven...

I tried to find three early pictures of my three babies as I was thinking about how they look similar and different.  The following are sort of random, but they're sweet to us. :)

Bug - born May 19, 2006 - this was about a week or so later...she looks like she's playing air guitar, doesn't she?
  For some reason we didn't get many good hospital pictures of her.

Buzz - born June 22, 2008 - he has such a sweet round head.  I'll never forget Dr. C who delivered him and said, "this baby has such nice big round head!  hahaha!  I never seen baby with such nice big round head!"  I love telling that story. :)

Solveig - born still February 29, 2012...I think she looks so much like her big sister and I often stop in my tracks to gaze at the Bug and imagine Solveig and what she would be like...I love this picture of her, because I feel like we can see her features most clearly on here and on one other one that we have.  She was so tiny...my hand totally covered her body...

Writing has eluded me the past few days.  My desire and inspiration just hasn't been there.  But tonight I feel like I can write again.  After a stressful weekend and just not feeling well due to an ear infection, I'm just starting to regain some strength again.  My body and spirit just had enough I guess after all the stress of the last eight weeks.  Eight weeks...today marks eight weeks since Solveig's birth.  It is hard to believe that so much time has passed when many moments it feels like time has stood still.  But life goes on.  Life has gone on all around us, and some of the time we have been able to partake in those goings on.  It has felt good to do some "normal" things again.  But there are still days when I can barely get up and get going. Having two cutie pies with me kind of keeps me going.  They're really helpful for that and I'm so grateful for them.  Our furry friend Bailey is a great companion too, and I'm glad that we've had her for almost a year now.  And my sweet man...he helps me too.  Thank you Erik.

Today we had a really incredible speaker at our MOPS group.  Her name is Kellie, and she and her husband Todd lost their daughter Makenzie almost three years ago to a really tragic car accident.  Makenzie was 18 years old and she was a beautiful young woman who loved Jesus and also was a professional ballerina.  Kellie shared some pretty amazing things today that really spoke to my heart.  (Thank you Kellie.  It was awesome to meet you today.) I felt like even though my loss of Solveig is very different than her loss of her teenage daughter, there were many things that I could relate to.  Kellie talked about the need to hold her daughter after she found out she had died in the accident.  She shared that she wasn't able to see her daughter for a couple of days due to the law and needing to investigate the accident.  When she talked about that, I completely broke down.  I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been for her.  But I could relate to the desperate need to hold and see her daughter who had died.  I'll never forget how intense that desire was for me...knowing my sweet girl was already gone inside of me and just wanting her to come out so that I could hold her and keep her close to me...even though her spirit was already gone.  Kellie also shared some very special truths that I wrote down in my little blue notebook which now goes everywhere with me.  She said, "God doesn't function on my life's to do list."  Wow.  Isn't that something?  We think we need Him to do things in our time and when it will work best for us...but friends, He doesn't operate that way.  His timeline is different than ours.  The other thing that she talked about was how everything we've gone through in our life up to the time of our difficult moment was preparing us for that difficult moment.   I could really relate to that one.  I can honestly look at my life and say that I see how God was preparing me for Solveig's death in so many ways...from the tiniest details to the more major ones.  For instance, I do believe that having two miscarriages prior to Solveig's death was helpful for me.  I already knew that life isn't just a given and that we cannot take life for granted.  I also believe that He helped me even with those miscarriages and Solveig's loss through knowing the story of my own parents' loss of conjoined twins who were born before brothers Eric and Joel and me.  I can hardly wait to meet them in Heaven one day.  And other things like having a background knowledge of funerals and the customs therein and funeral homes (from my dad working in the business)...that was very helpful as we were planning Solveig's funeral.  I feel like throughout my pregnancy with Solveig I was just hesitant to accept that it would go "textbook."  It wasn't textbook, that's for sure, and I knew that fairly early on.  I just kind of had a foreboding sense that something was going to happen and that I would maybe be called to sacrifice her to the Lord.  I never had a "word" from the Lord about that as some people might, but I just kind of knew.  I don't know how better to explain that.  One other thing that Kellie said that I will remember was, "God never interrupts your life - He knows every detail."  He knew.  He knew that Solveig would die.  I believe that it was part of His plan for her and for us.  Sometimes that portion is quite difficult to reconcile.  Sometimes it is hard to understand how His plan for my daughter and for us could involve her early departure from this planet.  But His plans are not for us to fully comprehend here, as much as we'd like to.  We will know fully when we are in Heaven.  I look forward to having these earthly mysteries solved one day.

Kellie talked about how Makenzie met Jesus immediately upon her sudden death.  For me, that visual was so real today.  And what a beautiful image that was.  Not only could I imagine this sweet young girl who had died, but also my precious Solveig.  Solveig got to meet Jesus, immediately upon her death.  She got to see Him face to face.  She is with Him now.  Today, I saw a little piece of Heaven when I imagined my  adorable baby girl being held by Jesus.  I long to be there too.  One day sweet Solveig...one day we will meet again.  For now, maybe Miss Makenzie is playing with you and teaching you how to dance on the streets of gold.  I know your big sister Bug will love dancing with you too one day.

I miss you, baby girl.  Your mommy will always love you and think of you...and I'll always be grateful that I had you here for a brief while...you had life.  You had life in me, and that was a blessing.

Light

Dark engulfed me for a few days...but the Lord slowly lifted me from the darkness, and has been showing me His light and goodness in the land of the living. There is much life to be had here on this Earth. He has me here for MANY purposes, two of which are currently playing in the other room. Praise be to Him for those little lives which are STILL here and to be celebrated, every minute of every day. Praise be to Him for the amazing husband that He has blessed me with...the man who said to me the other night as he wrapped me tenderly in his loving arms, "it is going to be okay. WE are going to be okay." I'm thankful for that man. And I'm thankful that the Lord is doing a mighty work in his heart and drawing him closer to His spirit, amidst the darkness which could so easily overtake us. We are praying for Him to be near us. We are praying for Him to show us His truth in this mess...and He is. Believe me. He is STILL good and His love endures amidst the flames. Erik and I are drawing closer through our trials.

THANK YOU does not even begin to express how grateful I am to all of you who are praying over our lives. Your love and prayer is palpable. Yesterday when I didn't know how I could possibly go on after I wrote that blog post, people began to let me know that they were and are praying. My spirit began to loose its grip on the darkness, or rather shall I say, the darkness began to loose its grip upon me. The load was lifted. You shared in this burden. We shared the burden and gave it to the Lord. For that I will always be so thankful. What a gift that when we cast our cares on Him He does care for us and does help us through and does lighten the burden from our spirits.

Spending time with some very sweet friends in the last few days has meant a lot to me. Knowing that people still love me and care deeply for me through this trial does help keep me going. Thank you sweet friends. You are dear to my heart, and the Lord will bless you for caring over me.

And of course, THANK YOU LORD for revealing yourself to me not only through the gift of friends and acquaintances the world over who are praying for us, but thank you for revealing yourself to me through your Holy Word. I yesterday opened up my Bible in the little room of the house where I can hide away from the small people in my life...and I literally came to a quite appropriate scripture in Psalm 27.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?"

Woah. There's food for thought, my friends. Such fear had taken over me...such anxiety...but I need not fear. He is my light. He is my salvation. He is my stronghold. What a blessing.

Then today, after trying to rest and not being able to fall asleep because so much is on my mind, I opened again to Psalms and was drawn to Psalm 40.

"I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD. Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not turn to the proud, to those who go astray after a lie! You have multiplied, O LORD my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts towards us; none can compare with you! I will proclaim and tell of them, yet they are more than can be told."

Whew. That's incredible. He drew me up out of mire and destruction and my feet are secure on the rock. It makes me want to go and scale a mountain and sing praises to Him. I want to tell the World about Him. Your wonders are there, Lord. You are still there. Thank you for your presence and for your truth which keeps me alive. Thank you for your mercies that are new every morning. Thank you for drawing me into your Word.

It's not over 'till it's over...

Well folks in my blogosphere, here's the latest news from my world...

As I wrote last, our home was sold subject to inspection last Tuesday. However, at the inspection, the inspector apparently found a whole laundry list of things to fix...I'm talking roughly 25 or more things. And some of the things were absolutely hilarious and we seriously laughed about them. For instance:

1. Tree branches in front of house are to be pruned so as to not touch the house.
2. (re. a project of covering up Styrofoam in the basement laundry/storage area...) it shall be painted a shade of white agreed upon by the buyers.

And there were many more things. Some of the things were truly things that were safety concerns and we should certainly fix them...things with the boiler, plumbing, electrical, etc...but these people wanted ALL of these different projects to be taken care of by licensed professionals...and really, why can't I just hop up on my roof and cut the tree branches myself? I guess that would be something that typically Erik would do, but anyway, you get my point.

SO, what we did is come back and say that we would not fix any of these things, but that we'd give them some more money off of the purchase price, so that they could put that towards fixing things. And they said no, "we're done." Now we don't know what we're going to do, except that we must be patient...and that is THE hardest thing for me right now.

In the meantime, we had gone out with our Realtors who are absolutely dear, and we found a house that we LOVE and it was such a good price for us and would suit our needs and dreams very well. Apparently there is now an offer on that home, so we don't know yet if it will be accepted or not.

It is very probable that if we do not sell this home before Thanksgiving that we'll just take it off the market for the winter and wait until Spring when things pick up again. Then in that time period, Erik and I could continue working on the laundry list and have it all perfect for the next inspector. :)

Our Realtors who have been in this business for over 30 years said that they have never seen such a huge and unreasonable list of things to fix.

God must be teaching us some lessons right now, but it is really hard to swallow that pill sometimes. I had my ideas but He has his..."my ways are not your ways, neither are my thoughts your thoughts, declares the Lord." (I hope I got that in the right order...I think it is from Psalms, but can't remember right now.)

If you would please pray that our house sells in the RIGHT time to the RIGHT people and that we find the RIGHT house, that would be so much appreciated.

Thanks so much...blessings to you all...and may you rest very well tonight.

Back to Blogging

I have been out of touch with writing my blog, and just decided that tonight was the night that I would write again! Life has been so busy lately...well, I guess life is always busy, but it seems like my life lately has been full of much running around and going lots of different places, and doing lots of different things. Sometimes that can be a great thing, and I do enjoy variety, but sometimes it is also tiring and draining.

I am an introverted extrovert, and Erik is much the same. We both love to be with people, but at the same time we really enjoy "alone" time by ourselves, and feel rejuvenated when we have that time. Perhaps since I have been married I have become much more this introverted extroverted person that I am, or maybe it was in grad. school when I had my own apartment for a year and a half. I really liked that time and space that I could call my own. Sometimes I miss that apartment. It was such a cute little place, and I have such happy memories there...lots of friends coming to visit and stay since I was in a different state, dinners and movies with friends...and it represented grad. school, which for me was such a great time in life. At times I really miss being in that time of life, just full of learning and opportunities. But you know what? God has really shown me that my life right now is a really good thing. I love being married to Erik, and I love being Kristi's Mama, and I really love singing random gigs and teaching voice lessons, and just doing all the other things that come along with all those roles. Life is good. We have different seasons and changes, but through the changes, GOD is good, and He never fails. He has never ever failed me yet.

Change is hard for me. I'm anticipating lots of new changes with our home on the market and hoping for a sale, the hope of then finding a different home to live in, and hopefully at some point having more children. What is so neat is that through each change that I have undergone up until now, I have grown as an individual, and I have been forced to give up my selfish nature and trust that God will take care of me. And He has. I know that He will continue to take care of me and my family. I trust Him for that.

Anyway, this has grown into a much longer post than I had originally planned on...but I just wanted to share that God is making me listen to Him and His plans for my life, and our life as a family. It isn't always easy, truly, but I'm slowly learning...