Buzzy's Heaven Thoughts

Buzz and I were just reading a sweet book about an owl who flies to a little boy and becomes his pet.  Later, after helping the owl recover and regain strength from an injury, the little boy releases the owl back into the wilderness.  I was asking my Buzz if he liked the story.  Here's what he said.

"It reminds me of Solveig."

I said, "why is that, Honey?  Because of the owl flying away?"

"Yes," he said.  "Solveig's spirit flew right to Heaven.  We got to hold her when she was dead.  But her spirit flew to Heaven.  I'll get to see her again someday when I go there.  But our hearts are connected.  They'll always be connected.  She was the most beautiful little baby girl."

I didn't make that up.  I loved that he said that their hearts are connected, and that he thought she was beautiful.  And while he was saying all of these precious thoughts of his, of course the tears came into my eyes.

The reminders of Heaven and wanting to be there are truly encouraging to me.  I really have been missing Solveig a lot lately.  I think it has a lot to do with Spring finally being here…the season that she would have been born in.  So, hearing my son talk about his little sister is really sweet.

There is a movie out right now that we really want to see, all about Heaven and how it is real…based on the book of the same kind of name.  We can't wait to see it.  You see, we read that book just a few months before we lost our Solveig.  It was so comforting at the time, thinking about our babies that we had miscarried and other loved ones.  And then when we lost Solveig, it just became that much more real.

We even have the children's version of this special book and our kids really clung to that after we lost Solveig.  It was Bug's favorite book for awhile.  She wanted to bring it to school to share as her favorite book for her birthday.  But because of wondering if she might get in trouble sharing it during regular school time and not on recess, I decided that she shouldn't bring it.  This was such a bummer and really hard for a six year old to understand…the separation of church and state…issues that are challenging from time to time in the public school setting.

But I digress.  If you haven't read that book that I'm referring to, I highly encourage you to do so.  There's no way that this kid could've made all of that up.  It really is a beautiful picture of Heaven.

I long to be there.  It is my hope.  It is how I keep going.

One day, sweet Solveig…one day…we will be reunited, and I will hold you, FULLY ALIVE!!!!!  Until then, dance and play and sing and run, and I will think of you and hold your daddy and siblings here on earth.

New Year, New Look

My blog has needed some updating for way too long!  So, today I found an awesome FREE blog background from Shabby Blogs and put up one of our latest family photos.  Thank you sweet Heather for taking such great photos of my family.  I appreciate you and your gifts!

There is much more I want to say, and I'm working on some other posts…lots to share.  This is actually a really hard time of year for our family as we prepare to celebrate Solveig's birthday at the end of this month.  We miss her a lot.

There is also much to be thankful for.  This morning I heard a sermon on the radio from Chip Ingram about not being a victim when difficult things happen.  (Here is a link to his website where you can download the message for free.) He talked about the need to grieve and acknowledge and work through what happens, but then to not play the role of victim…the constant "why me," or "why did this happen?"  I think this is so important to remember.  But it's also a tricky balance.  We do need to thoroughly work through grief and not think that we can just brush it off.  That's not healthy nor is it  practical.  If we think we can brush it aside, we will actually only be making our problems worse…as they will grow like bacteria in a petri dish and become more lethal.  Chip's point was that once we've  done some of our grieving, we should stop and say, "now, what can I do with this?  What can I do and how can I allow God to use this situation to help other people?  How can I help someone else who may be going through something similar?"  Great reminder, isn't it?  If we don't try to get outside of ourselves in the midst of our grief, grief can instead become so selfish.  I have definitely experienced this first hand.

I'm thankful to be having opportunities to talk with other people who are going through baby loss, or to share with those who are on the outside wondering how to help those who are going through the loss.  And I'm thankful to be working on Solveig's Boxes for the hospital.  I have more to share about that and some other neat opportunities and will do so soon.  Stay tuned.

Another Conversation About Heaven

This morning, my sweet boy and I had a beautiful conversation about Heaven.  It went something like this...

"Buzz, I will always love you.  Please remember that I will always love you."

Buzz said, "even when you die?  Will you still love me then?"

Mama replied, "yes Buzz, I believe that I will.  Because the Bible says that we will recognize our loved ones in Heaven.  So I will know you and I will still love you!"

He said, "but there won't be any toys in Heaven."

I said, "well I don't know for sure about that part.  Maybe there will be some toys.  But more importantly, we're going to be so in awe of Jesus that nothing else is going to matter.  Everything in Heaven will be amazing."

Buzz then inquired, "will there be food in Heaven?"

I said, "yes, Honey, there will be lots of food!  In the Bible it talks about having a feast in Heaven!"

He then said, "but the streets are made of gold and that will hurt!"

I replied after thinking for a moment, "you mean, if you fall down on the gold streets it might hurt?"

"Yes," he said, "it would hurt.  I fall down a lot and get hurt a lot."

"Well, I don't think it will hurt because nothing is supposed to hurt anymore in Heaven.  There will be no more tears, no more pain and no more suffering," I said.

Buzz looked at my face and saw some tears and began wiping them away.  He said, "you have a tear on your cheek."

"Yes Honey, I do have a tear.  I'm crying because I'm missing your sister Solveig right now.  But she is in Heaven and she is having a wonderful time there."  Then I asked, "do you miss her?"

In his sweet big brother voice he said, "yes, I miss her...so much."

Be still my sad heart...this brother has such an affection for the baby sister whose shell he didn't know for more than an hour.  What a gift that he still cares for her.  And I hope he always remembers her.  I think he will, simply by virtue of the fact that we talk about her and look at her photos often.

I told him, "I'm so sorry that you didn't get to grow up with her on earth.  But when we get to Heaven, we will see her again and that will be amazing."

I held that little man for the longest time and the tears continue to stream down my face as I type this.  My gratefulness for the two who remain in my arms here on earth is full today.  I love them with a depth I never knew to be humanly possible.  And I cherish our moments that we have.

Thank you Lord for the gift of life.  May we spend it wisely.

He was so proud to hold her and to be a big brother...he didn't even seem to mind that she was no longer with us in spirit and that her skin was turning purple...

Conversations With Kids

Weeks and days go by now without our kids talking about Solveig.  I'm sure that's a normal and healthy part of moving on in the grief process.  But every now and then the kids will say something about her, or ask a question.  We're more than willing to talk about Solveig, and we don't ever want her life and death to be a taboo subject in our home.  It's fine if they bring it up, or if we occasionally decide to talk about her in front of them.

Today at the table, we were talking with the kids about how we prayed and asked God for them.  Bug then said, "And after Buzzy, we prayed and asked God for another baby, and He gave us Solveig."

Wow...yes.  He did.  He sure did give us Solveig.  And it's so sweet that her big sister still thinks about her.  That warms my heart.

My response to Bug through the tears that started to warm my eyes was, "yes, and even though she is not with us on earth, we will ALWAYS think of her as a gift that God gave to us."

She was such a gift, truly.  I'll always thank Him for her life, albeit such a brief one.  And the fact is, we are so different because of her.  We'll never be the same.  She has changed us.  Or shall I say, God has changed us.  He has changed us through the experience of having her.

There have been so many experiences that we have had following Solveig's short life that we wouldn't have had otherwise which have impacted us greatly.  We have met people that we would have perhaps not encountered in other circumstances.  Our priorities for what is important in this life have changed.  We value our living children that we have with a much deeper intensity.  We value our other human relationships much more.  And our faith in God has grown, as we've experienced His presence with us so closely through this time.

Shortly after we talked about God giving us Solveig, Buzz said, "we can open up that hole and dig up the grave."  Oh...sting to my heart.  Sweet boy...I think he just so wanted to make things better and to help right the wrong that has happened.  My sweet boy wanted to get his sister back.  I had to tell him, "honey, I'm so sorry, but remember that Solveig died.  In the ground is her body, but her spirit left her body when she died.  We believe that her spirit is with Jesus in Heaven."  Big sister piped in and said, "I know that Solveig is playing with Briana in Heaven.  They're probably dancing in the streets of gold!"

I just love it when Bug talks about Solveig in Heaven.  I love the insights of children.  And I love that she remembers Briana too.  Briana is the little girl who is buried next to Solveig, and I've been getting to know her sweet mama H in the last few months.  Our stories are somewhat similar, as Briana was also born still late term.

Here's a picture at the cemetery that we took on Mother's Day.  We still don't have a marker for Solveig, but we hope to get one soon.  For now, we have some flowers and it's nice to have something there.  (Briana's grave is just a few feet to the right of our baby.)

I found the wreath at the craft store and added the pink ribbon - perfect for "craft challenged" me.  (I dubbed myself with that nickname at MOPS one time!  We have some awesome crafty ladies who lead us in fun crafts, but I often have to ask fifty five questions before I figure them out because of my craft challenged self!  Love you crafty friends!  Maybe when I'm in Heaven I won't be so craft challenged. :))

Maybe you can see where it looks like patchy grass underneath the heart wreath - that is the rectangular spot that was dug for our daughter, and just beneath it lies her body.  The sweet guys who tend the cemetery voluntarily planted some grass seed there since we don't have a marker as of yet.

It's hard to get our kids to smile for the camera.  But I loved that they were standing by the grave, and that Bug was trying to fix up the ribbon and make sure it was just so for her baby sister.  They really seem to understand that it is important to their mama to spend time there.

As a family at our baby's grave.  So glad that my parents were there with us to help take that picture.

There are some beautiful trees at the cemetery, and also some lovely little benches to sit on very close to Solveig's spot.  We're looking forward to taking a picnic out there sometime soon and sitting under the pine tree by her grave.

More to the story will come soon.  Thanks for staying tuned.

Replay

For a few days I've been doing really well and haven't had any major meltdowns.  It has been nice to be living life with my family, enjoying my kids and being grateful for the safe return of my Erik.  He was gone for four nights on a business trip to the Na_pa Val_ley area of Ca_lifor_nia.  Nice, right?  :)  I'm happy for him that he could get away for a little bit.  It was so healthy for both of us to have some time to think and reflect.  But I'm SO glad that he is home again as I missed him a lot!

Today we had the chance to spend time with some sweet friends who are here from Sea_ttle.  It was a nice little reunion.  On the way home, I started telling Erik how my mind has been rehearsing what happened with Solveig.  Naturally, I think about her all the time.  And some of the time my thoughts are consumed with how she died and the process therein.  I will always vividly remember the 200 ticks that I felt in rapid succession.  I will probably always wish that I had called the Dr. right away to ask about that and then rush to the hospital to see if we could save Solveig's life.  But the reality is, even if we had gotten to her before she was completely gone, she may have been brain dead from having a seizure.  I really believe it was a seizure that was happening to her.  I'd like to learn more about this ordeal and really study it from a medical perspective because it is quite fascinating to me now.  I want to know as many details and potential scenarios from an earthly perspective as I possibly can.  That's just how I operate.  I'm hoping that I can get my hands on some medical journal articles about this type of seizure caused by the cord stricture, and I'm hoping to speak with some doctors about it.  People can tell me to get over it or move on or try to let go of it...but as a mama who has lost this little life, I think I'll always remember her last moments inside of me...and I'll always wonder "what if."  What if she had been spared...would she have health problems from her struggle?  Would she have been mentally or physically challenged?  Would she have been fine?  Would she have lived for a little bit and then died?  I'll never know.  And she's not here.  And I'm learning to live in the "new normal".

At the same time, Erik and I were talking about the sovereignty of God and how it relates to Solveig and her life.  I do believe that He knew what would happen to her.  And I believe He is sovereign.  He is the author of life, and the author of time.  "He giveth and He taketh away."  As hard as it is for me to comprehend and as hard as it is to say at times, blessed be the name of the Lord.  He has been bringing joy in the midst of this pain.  He has been helping me to think of my little girl being complete and being full of true joy in the midst of the Lord.  He has shown me His presence and His strength in my hurt.  And He has been bringing me peace in the midst of what feels like a huge gale.  I still love the Lord.  I still worship Him.  And I still miss my Solveig and always will...but He is still good, no matter what.

No Guarantees

Perhaps it is because I'm a worrier by nature, or maybe because I knew so many who had lost babies of their own, but even in my first and second pregnancies I never felt as though things would just be fine and I wouldn't need to be concerned about losing my babies. There was always a part of me which remained reserved and didn't want to expect that my children would be born healthy and would live beyond their birth. Maybe God was just preparing me and giving me some insight that I wasn't yet to fully understand. Well, those two precious children of mine were born, but their lives did not begin without difficulty. With my Bug, I had Pree_clampsia and our lives hung in the balances during the last week and during the delivery. God protected us and that Bug is doing so well. With my Buzz, the pregnancy was fine but following delivery I had a superficial blood clot on my leg and then Buzz was admitted to the hospital just 3 days later for an unknown virus and also dehydration. He nearly died. It was a scary time to say the least. But again, God protected that dear boy of mine and revived him. He is strong and feisty and we are so glad.

In November 2010, we had our first known miscarriage. I was so early on in the pregnancy, probably 5-6 weeks. But it was such a blow. In January 2011, we had another miscarriage, also between 5-6 weeks gestation. After these two miscarriages I really wondered what was going on and if there was something more happening in my body. Dr. M had many tests drawn on me and nothing too earth shattering was found at that point. In a way that was comforting, but I still wondered if something was wrong. Several months later, August 1st, 2011, we found out that we were expecting another baby. The excitement was so strong, yet the reservation was there and I didn't want to get too excited for fear that we may lose this one as well. In the early weeks of the pregnancy, I had my first OB appointment with Dr. M. She thought about my medical history for a few minutes and decided that I needed to be seen by a Hem_atologist for further blood work, to see if there might be a blood disorder which had contributed to the Pree_clampsia, superficial blood clot and two miscarriages. Dr. T found that I have Factor V Lei_den, a fairly common blood clotting disorder. It sounds more intense than it is. What I learned is that I have about a 1% chance of developing a blood clot in my lifetime, and of course that risk goes up slightly during pregnancy. With the new pregnancy underway, the dr's decided that I needed to take baby as_pirin to hopefully avoid developing a blood clot in the pregnancy. And then following delivery, I would need to take a blood thinner called Lov_enox for 4-6 weeks. (I'm currently taking that blood thinner and it's going okay - it just stings, but I've gotten really brave about injecting myself...something I never thought I could do.)

The pregnancy sailed along quite smoothly and I began having regular ultr_asounds and N_ST's each week near the end to monitor baby's growth, health and to hopefully spot any clotting if it were to appear. Things seemed really good. My last ultr_asound and N_ST happened just days before we learned of Solveig's passing - I was 33 weeks along - only 4 weeks from being considered full term. It's amazing how quickly things can change. And also amazing that the cord and all of its tangles were not visible on that screen. And we don't know when the cord was tangled - it might have happened right near the end, or perhaps it was in the works at that ultrasound. These are things we may never know until we get to Heaven.

All this to say, there is only so much that we can humanly do here on this Earth to monitor the progress of a baby inside. And there is only so much we can do during a delivery. And there is only so much we can do once the baby is out of us, kicking and screaming and living. We in our humanness are powerless to do much. There are NO guarantees that any of us will be breathing in the next minute, hour, day or year. We are mortal. We ought not to ever take for granted this life that we have been given. And we ought not to ever take for granted the lives of our children, both those who are here or those who have died.

If you are currently pregnant or you are wanting to be, I really hope that you don't read this and get all worried. I just want to encourage you and all the other readers to really live each moment to the fullest and to love your families and love your children, both inside of you and outside of you...and be grateful for each second you have here. God has kept you here for a reason and He has a purpose for your life. Don't waste it.

Appreciate life. Appreciate breath. Appreciate who you are called to be in this world.

And if you have children, hug them a little bit longer today...tell them again that you love them...show them that you are really listening...spend time with them...you don't want to live with regrets. I see my Bug & Buzz so differently now. I view them through a different lens. And I hope that I always will.

Solveig has changed me. She has changed our family. I hope we will always reflect that change and never forget what she has taught us.

Reflections on Treasures...

God has been teaching me a lot lately about the value of treasuring Him more than the things of this world. As we have been cleaning out our home and preparing to sell it, I have gotten rid of MANY MANY things that we do not need. Our society seems to be so focused on things and more things, and I must say, I'm COMPLETELY guilty of being one of those people who likes things. But our reality is, there is just not room to store all these things, nor do we really actually look at or use many of these things all that often. Some of the things that we have been able to get rid of...books, clothes, extra kitchen gadgets or dishes, decorative items...the list goes on and on. There is SUCH freedom in releasing the things of this world!!! We have given away a lot that we just didn't need, and I have taken many trips to the Goodwill in the last few years that we have been married, and Erik has taken some trips, and my mom has taken some trips on our behalf. Hopefully someone else has been able to benefit from our things.

Tonight as I was cleaning off and "de-frocking" our fridge (my aunt reminded me to defrock), I came across a little card that our church gave us this past year. It was titled "Money Matters." There is a great verse on it from Haggai 2:8 which says "The silver is mine and the gold is mine, declares the Lord Almighty." In other words, it is all HIS anyway, so why do we try so hard to hold onto it or invest it in things that don't matter? There is also a statement on the card which we were supposed to read and hopefully adopt as our own. It reads, "I recognize that God is the owner of everything. By His power, I will seek to manage the money and assets He has given me for His glory and the eternal good of others." And then there is another great verse from Matthew 6:21 which says, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." A great reminder, right?

Lord, help me to redirect my attentions towards you, and remind me that my treasures are all yours. Amen.