Buzz Conversation

My sweet Buzz boy still has the deepest thoughts at his age of five.  Tonight, as I was tucking him into bed we had a sweet visit.  Here is what was said:

"Buzz, do you think about Uncle Joel?"

"Yes, I do.  I miss him a lot."

"I do too, Honey.  I think about him all the time and I miss him so much."

Buzz said, "But he's in Heaven now."  A big smile spread across his face.  And it made me smile too.

Then I said, "What do you think he's doing today?"

Buzz said, "I don't know."

I replied, "I wonder if he's playing his guitar."

Buzz quickly said, "but he didn't die with his guitar."

Hmm…interesting.  "You're right honey, but he did love to play the guitar and sing.  And sometimes I wonder if he has a guitar in Heaven.  Maybe he's eating good food too."

Buzz said, "Yeah, and he's taking care of Solveig!"  Another big smile spread across his face.  Tears were dripping from my eyes at this point.

"Yes Honey, I believe that he is taking care of Solveig.  And that makes your mama so happy to think about that!  Uncle Joel loved babies."

"Will we see Solveig in Heaven?"

"Yes, Honey.  We will see her.  And that is something wonderful to look forward to.  I can't wait!"

Big smile on his face yet again.

I LOVE it when Buzz and I have these conversations about life.  He is such a precious boy and I hope that his depth of thought continues forever.

18 Months Later...

Today marks 18 months since Solveig was born silently into our world...into our lives forever.  There are a lot of months that go by that don't seem so significant, and I'll completely miss the 29th day.  But for whatever reason this month I have been thinking so much about her and thinking about how she would be a year and a half old.  Wow!  Last night it hit me really hard and I was so sad.  I've been noticing other little ones who are around that age, and I've enjoyed seeing them toddling around getting into mischief, playing heartily, smiling and laughing...all the things that our little one would be doing too.  It usually helps to see the other kids at the age she would be at.  I remember my friend Lea telling me that she will always notice children who are at the age her little Johnny would be at.  Johnny would be almost five and a half now...just a few months older than our little Buzz...he died when he was just four months old from heart problems.  I miss him too and think of him so often.  Hugs to you, Lea and Dave and family.

So much has happened in these last few years.  We lost three children to Heaven.  We gained one to our earthly family.  My brother died.  There has been a lot of grief and sadness.  And there has also been a lot of joy in the midst of the sadness.  After we lost Solveig, I wondered if I would ever be happy again.  I didn't think it would be possible to ever find joy again.  But I did.  I have.  Then my brother Joel died and I thought the same thing...will I ever be filled with joy again?  Why is there so much sadness in this earthly life we live?  Why do people I love keep dying?  Why does it have to hurt so much?  But God has given me new hope and new joy.  Our little Squeaker has been such a help during this season of hurt.  He has brought much joy.  He will never replace his big sister Solveig...he is his own person, and we are so glad that he is.  She will always hold a special place in our hearts.  We will always talk about her and remember her.  I think of her every day...sometimes with heaviness and sometimes with happiness.  But either way, I'm grateful for the place that she has in our family.  I'm so glad that we had her.  I wouldn't want to take her out of the picture, for she has shaped who I am today.  I'll never be the same.  Some of my innocence is gone, but there is a new awareness of life and its fragility.  There is a deeper sense of gratitude for the children who are here with us, for my husband, for every moment that we live and breathe.  These are all gifts from God.  I don't believe that I will ever take these gifts for granted.  I don't think I could.

Sweet Solveig, I hope you are getting into a healthy dose of mischief in Heaven today. :)  I hope that you are having a lot of fun playing with all the animals, spending time with family members and friends who love you, eating yummy food, singing songs and banging on instruments, hugging Jesus and enjoying the life that you have.  We sure do miss you here, and we can't wait to see you again.  I can't wait to hear you singing songs.  Thank you for changing our lives forever.  We're so grateful for you.

Love,
Mama

Missing Her...

We just got back from a lovely family escape to the North Shore of our North Star state.  It was so good to be away, becoming more rooted as a family of five on this earth.  The idea of the five of us is becoming more and more comfortable and right.  But there are still many days that the awareness of Solveig missing is apparent to me...and today is one of them.

In the midst of digging out my mess of an office space I came upon some more ultrasound photos from our sweet girl, dated 2/13/12...just 16 days before she was delivered still into our world.  I thought I had already placed all of the ultrasound photos in her scrapbook, but here were some more.  Her eyes were open, her face turned towards the camera, and I could see the cord near her neck, wrapped around it.  That darn cord.  Still some days I really struggle with that part, seeing the object that was supposed to give her life but ended up taking her life.  You might be saying to yourself, "but this loss happened a year and a half ago...how can she still struggle with that?"  True, it did happen that long ago.  But I will always miss my girl.  And the depth of grief and loss has not fully departed from me.  I don't think a person can just all the sudden stop grieving after a year, after two years, after however many years you want to put on it.  There just isn't a specific timeline for grief, nor should there be.  You must know that there are a lot of great days, even weeks and months where I don't feel really down over our loss.  But then it strikes like a bolt of lightning and catches me unaware.  And for a moment time seems to stop.  And I can't do anything for a bit...except to write.

She should be here too.

How my soul longs to reunite with our daughter, with our two other little babies that we never got to hold in our arms and with my brother Joel.  Heaven will be glorious.  I know it will be.  And I will look forward to being there.

For now, Lord help me and my grieving heart learn to live on this earth in the way you wish me to.  I need your help.  Amen.

Joel's Life and Legacy

Every time I have tried to sit down to write this post I have not been able to do it.  So today, I am going to try my hardest to get it done.

My brother Joel passed from this earth into Heaven for all eternity on Friday, May 31st, 2013 at the age of 41.  He had a long struggle with metastatic colon cancer and finally has relief and healing from his pain and suffering.  It was hard to see him suffer for such a time and to such a degree.  And yet, every time I spoke with him or saw him in person he seemed to handle his suffering with much grace.  He was usually more concerned with me and how I was doing than he was with himself.  And that is just the kind of guy he was - one to look out for others.  He exemplified love and compassion to all kinds of people and animals his whole life, and everyone who ever met him loved him.  Joel was a loving son, brother, husband, father and friend.  He is greatly missed here, even though we know that he is celebrating new life in Heaven.

In his last days and months, Joel was telling everyone he knew where his hope was.  He was telling them all about how he was reading 1 Corinthians 15 in the Bible and that his hope was in Heaven and the resurrection of Christ.  Oh to be so bold as he was...I am inspired and also encouraged.  When we lost our little Solveig, Joel was deeply saddened.  He couldn't understand why such a thing would happen to us.  And he wanted so much for us to be able to have another baby.  Joel was so excited when our little Squeaker was born this April.  We had prayed that God would allow Squeaker to be born perhaps just a little bit early so that he could meet his Uncle Joel before he died.  God answered our prayers.  11 days after Squeaker was born, Erik and I drove down with our little guy to see Joel and his family.  We had a really special visit...

There are more things I'd like to say about Joel and I hope to do so very soon.  Thank you to everyone for praying for all of us as we're grieving the loss of my brother.  Please be praying for Joel's wife and their three children.  The kids are here in these pictures.  We love them all very much and their loss hurts our hearts more than our own.

Please Pray For Joel

Friends,

We were blessed to have the opportunity to go and visit my brother Joel this past Thursday.  It was so good to spend some time with him.  My parents were there with Erik and I, and we had the chance to lay hands on Joel and pray over him.  It was a very powerful time.  And there were also some funny moments.  You see, Joel is a goofy guy and has a great sense of humor.  That comes in handy during moments of extreme pain.  As we walked with him through the hallways of his hospital, he had his little i_P_od in hand and he played us some new tunes that he had downloaded.  People were trying to figure out where the songs were coming from.  Only Joel could get away with playing his tunes in the hallways of the hospital!  It was fun and it made all of us smile. :)  He had his landmarks on the walk, including the different water fountains and the different statues.  (He even touched one statue for good luck!  That's my brother!  Funny.)  And he greeted people as he passed them too - he is a very friendly guy, and his kind spirit is contagious.  I'm so proud of him.  And my heart hurts to see him aching, literally aching in his physical body.  He was in a ton of pain that day, and no pain medicine could touch his pain.  How I wish I could have taken the pain from him.

I just spoke to Joel tonight.  He seemed to be in good spirits.  And he told me that he is set to have a CT scan tomorrow at the hospital.  We would love your prayers for my brother and for this new CT.

We know that He is in control.  The Lord is on His throne, always.  He is with Joel.  And He is with us.

I hope that you had a blessed Mother's Day.  It was bittersweet, to say the least.  I will write more about that later...

Blessings to you,
Love,
Melody

Pray...Brother Joel

UPDATE ON JOEL 5/7/12 - Thank you for praying for Joel!  His surgery today went well and he is currently recovering.  Please continue to pray for him...pray against infection, pray for complete recovery...thank you so much.

It has been awhile since I've posted anything about my brother Joel.  Here's a brief synopsis of Joel's history:

Joel is married and has three children.  He was diagnosed with colon cancer in the fall of 2009 at age 37.  At that time, he had major surgery to remove a large portion of his colon.  Then he went through chemo. for awhile and was finally declared cancer free. Two years later, his cancer reappeared, this past fall of 2011.  However, this time the cancer was in different places - his liver and his lungs.  Joel underwent some more chemo. and then the dr.'s checked to see if his cancer had shrunk or spread.   Apparently his liver tumor has now shrunk some and his lung tumors are stable.

Tomorrow, Joel will be having liver surgery.  Approximately one third of his liver will be removed.

Please pray for Joel and his family.  Many of you have been praying for him these past few years, and we so appreciate that.

Thank you so much.  I love my brothers and am so blessed to have them in my life.

The below picture captured a fun moment with my brothers and our dear uncle last Easter in our home...

left to right - Brothers Joel & Eric and our Uncle Ron - Easter 2011

Almost Christmas!

WOW, I cannot believe that it has been several months since I last posted anything. Of course, life will always be busy with small adorable children under foot, but seriously, I think it has gotten BUSIER than I could've imagined! :) I'm so glad to have these wee ones under foot though. Buzz is now 17 months - where has the time gone? He started walking at 15. 5 months and running about 3 weeks later. Little Man is VERY busy and has a hard time sitting still for long - kind of like his sweet Daddy! And Big Bug is my very chatty, busy and mostly happy three and a half year old. She has been singing a LOT lately, which is really sweet. In fact, about a month ago, Bug sang a little duet with me at church when we joined my parents in their program for the senior citizens. It was so sweet that I could barely sing with her - the tears were massively hanging out in my eyes as my little girl was singing "into my heart, into my heart, come into my heart Lord Jesus. Come in today, come in to stay, come into my heart Lord Jesus." I have fallen in love with that piece since I heard it on the new Se_lah album, which in case I haven't mentioned before is one of my favorite groups. I love their renditions of hymns and new songs as well.

In other news, I'm busily getting ready to make gingerbread houses with my kids and my dear friend C and her kids this week. That will be so much fun, I can hardly wait! My grandiose plans of creating the gingerbread myself went to pot last night as I realized that I really don't have the time to make gingerbread this week...and that's okay. SO, we're going to do the easier route of using graham crackers, and they'll be really cute and work well!

This past week was Thanksgiving, and I must say I'm very thankful for my family and friends. I'm especially thankful that my brother Joel could be with us for the holiday along with his darling family. Joel was recently diagnosed with colon cancer, had surgery to remove a large mass, has a colostomy now and has begun his chemotherapy treatment at a sister hospital to a very major medical center here in MN. The whole ordeal has completely shaken me and I'm still trying to process it. It was nine years ago that my mom was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and in the same year was HEALED of that wild cancer that had ravaged her body. We are so grateful to have her here. And we are praying for healing for my brother Joel. I'm learning once again to trust in the Lord through this time and to ask for His peace upon my brother and his family. Lord, be near to them.

May you have a lovely few weeks leading up to Christmas. I'll hopefully write more soon and add some pics of my family. Blessings be upon you.