Disappointment

Big Sister Bug today voiced these words while we were out at my favorite store with the giant red bullseye logo..."It's sort of disappointing that Solveig died. But it's not too disappointing because we'll get to see her in Heaven again, so that's good." Erik said, "That's a great attitude to have."

For me, I couldn't respond because I'm still quite disappointed. I'm bummed that I couldn't have these three kids grow up together. I'm sad that she's not in my arms today, enjoying the warmth of the sunshine. I feel a huge hole...she is missing. I'll always think of her. Life will never be the same without her. I know that we will eventually learn to move on, but she'll always be part of our family.

There were a few good days where I pretty much held it together. But last night I missed my little Solveig so much. I picked up the pink teddy bear given to us and wrapped it in a pink blanket that was given to us along with a little bean bag to give weight to the wrapped up teddy bear in the blanket...and I held it for a long time while I laid in bed. I was trying to remember what it was like to hold Solveig in my arms. It has now been three weeks since we heard that she was gone and two and a half weeks since she was born. However, sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday that we lost her. Everything is still raw like an open wound. Sometimes I think there is a bit of a scab forming, and then it will get ripped off in an instant without warning. I know that's normal and it will just take a long time to feel a sense of "normalcy." I'm not going to be surprised if it takes years. I've heard that it can. I imagine there will be more to this wound and the scabs which may form and reopen.

In the meantime, the little people are calling...and burgers are ready to be made...life here on Earth continues even through the pain...and there are moments of joy to be had and moments to treasure and remember...

God is still God. He is still on the throne. He is still in control.

Desert

Moment to moment...that is how some days are. Valley and desert and mountaintop...these are all the places I've been lately emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. One song which for us has been such a clear picture of where we are at and that we had at Solveig's funeral is called appropriately, "Des_ert So_ng." It is from Hi_lls_ong Ch_urch in Aus_tra_lia and we love it.

A few years ago when I first heard the song, I watched the video for it over and over online and then found this interview with one of the lead singers who originally recorded it. She went through somewhat of a similar experience to us losing a baby and she talks about her experience here. I highly encourage you to watch this as I can so relate to her...she talks about how she knew she needed to continue praising God through it all as that is what she was created to do. That is exactly how I have felt. May you be encouraged by this lovely testimony. And here is the link to the song in its entirety. I tried to find a video version of the band singing it but couldn't find a good one.

Hope

There is something incredible about spring time. Once the snow and ice thaw, the grass turns green again and the buds on the trees appear...the flowers peek their heads out of the ground...and the birds come a looking for worms to eat. One art song titled "Spring" is a setting of a poem by Em_ily Dic_kin_son, and I have sung it. The text and the music are sprightly and make a person happy just hearing it, and singing it. "Spring, the sweet spring. The pretty birds do sing...."

Not only do the birds sing in the spring and the blooms abound, but for me there has always been a sense of renewal and an impetus for fresh starts. Erik and I began our relationship in the spring, quite near this time, about ten years ago. So for us, the spring is quite nostalgic. Our wedding anniversary is in May, in the spring. Bug's birthday is also in May. And Erik and I have birthdays two days apart in the early days of June, followed by our summer baby boy's birthday in later June.

Here we are in mid March and the weather is glorious in what often times is a frozen tundra at this very same time of year. We are absolutely loving the warmth and the sunshine and the summer like almost balmy air. To me, this feels like a most amazing gift from God during such a challenging season of life. Feeling the warmth on my skin and soaking it in has been just the medicine I needed as I begin to heal emotionally and physically.

Yesterday, I felt like God began to grant to me a sense of hope. Not only do I have a continued hope in Heaven and longing to be there with my Solveig, but I also have a hope for what lies ahead here on this Earth. I have a hope for my life with my beautiful family. I have hope for what the Lord will continue to do in my life and in the lives of others as a result of my daughter's life.

One of my all-time favorite scripture passages is Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." I have hope. And I have a future. Thanks be to God.

Letter To My Daughter

We had our kids make special cards for Solveig using scrapbook paper that I had and stickers that were given to us by the Miss_ing Gra_ce Foun_dation. Those cards were on display next to her casket at the funeral, and upon burial we placed the cards inside to be buried with Solveig. I knew that I needed to write her a letter as well, and I encouraged Erik to do the same - and he did, bless his wonderful heart. We placed our letters in the casket right before it was sealed the day of her burial. I made sure to make copies of the letters for us to keep here. Below is my letter:

Sunday March 4, 2012

My dear, beautiful daughter Solveig Sofia,

I love you so very much and right now my heart is aching to have you here in my arms. The Lord brought you into our lives and He took you out...but your life was not a mistake, nor will it ever be forgotten. I will always be grateful that I carried you close to my heart, inside my womb. There is nothing else quite so astounding as the presence of a baby inside a mama. This mama prayed for such a long time to have another child. And after losing two sweet babies early on in pregnancy I wasn't sure if we'd ever be able to have another baby. Then God surprised your daddy and I with the gift of you. And what an awesome gift you were, are and always will be to us. Daddy and I are deeply grieving and we do not understand why you are not here. We do not know why your life was taken so early due to the umbilical cord wrapping around your fragile frame. But what I can tell you is that many people's lives have already been touched by you, and the Lord is being brought glory. Your funeral yesterday was absolutely stunning and I am so thankful that we could honor your short life in that way. I wish that you were here...to rock you, nurse you, hold you, kiss your soft skin and stroke your feather soft hear...to see you grow up with your big brother and sister...to enjoy life with you. There is no one who will EVER replace you. No one will ever take from your daddy and I the pieces of our hearts which you have. We long to see you again in Heaven where we will stand with you in the presence of the Lord God Almighty. We look forward to running through the streets of gold and the lush green fields, playing with all the animals, laughing, singing, dancing and eating. Solveig Sofia Johnson, you have left an indelible print in our lives and we will always love you.

Love always,

Your mommy, Melody

Soft and White

In a previous entry, I wrote about how we went shopping for a special outfit for Solveig to wear when we were spending time with her and also for her burial. When I thought about what color it needed to be, I just knew that it had to be white. White is such a symbol of purity and cleanliness...and to us, our little daughter was the complete embodiment of those symbols. This was especially true since we knew that her spirit had left her body prior to her physical entrance into this world, and that spirit was caught up in Heaven where all things are made new and clean and whole and pure. After we bought the outfit and she was resting peacefully in it while we held her and when we placed her in the ground, I realized that I had forgotten to purchase a duplicate outfit and for me that was a very important detail. A few days after the burial, I decided to go ahead and order that duplicate...and yesterday it arrived in the mail. Wrapped inside this tiny package was the preemie sized white cotton pointelle knit baby gown that we had bought for our little Solveig. Seeing it again almost took my breath away, but it was really sweet to once again hold that outfit in my hands and to feel its softness next to my skin. I know it's not the same thing as it was when my little girl was wrapped in something similar, but if it helps me remember her and think fondly of her then I think that's great. Tears welled up in my eyes as I showed Erik...and he also had tears.

There is a tiny rosebud on the outfit, and it is so befitting of our baby who was wearing it. She was like a rosebud...so soft and new and beautiful. On Solveig's original outfit, there was one difference...her rosebud was stained from drops of blood which came from her mouth or nose. At first this really bothered me, seeing those drops on her clothing. It seemed that it was now soiled and no longer pure. But this is just a natural part of what happens after a person has died and blood and water weep from their body. As hard as it was for us to see that blood coming from our tiny baby, it was a visceral reminder to us of Christ dying on the cross...the blood and water seeping out of Him when He was pierced. And for some reason that brought to me comfort, knowing once again that it is He who saved us from our sins. And because our daughter was quickly taken from this sinful world before she ever fully stepped foot into it, she now has complete freedom from ever being brought down by that ugly sin. Oh, to be free from the curse of the sinful world...we all can have that chance, if we just believe in Him who died to set us free.

May the rosebud inspire you to think of Him. We are forever changed by Him, and by our little girl.

Big Sister's Thoughts

Many sweet thoughts have been coming out of our children's mouths these last few weeks. Today at lunch, Bug started talking about Solveig and said, "Sometimes when I think about Solveig, I like to call her 'Sissy.' (I know that she means sister, of course.) That's just like when Buzz was a baby and he would call me [insert nickname]." I asked her, "Do you miss Solveig?" Her reply was, "Yes, I do. Sometimes at night when I'm trying to go to sleep, I think about her and about all the fun times that we would've had together." Tears from the mama...unstoppable...leaving me speechless....Then I say to her, "well one day when we're in Heaven together, we'll have a great time together with Solveig." Bug says, "Yes, that will be great. We won't have to live in separate houses anymore."

No my dear, we will not. For we will all live in God's big house with many many rooms...oh how I long to be there.

Clarity

This weekend, I was blessed to get away with four of my girlfriends for one night and two good days. I thought it might be too early for me to get away, and I wasn't sure what it would be like to face people and to talk about things...but you know what? It was GREAT. To be surrounded by dear friends who love me no matter what was just what my soul needed. Thanks to my Erik for encouraging me to go away. And thank you dear friends - you know who you are and you are a blessing.

One thing is for sure - I am not a person who can stuff things inside and not talk about what is going on my life. That is just not my personality. And for better or worse, I like to get out the "stuff" and work through it. Most of the time I believe it is for the better. Part of me wanted to run and hide in a cave and not come out for a very long time after we lost Solveig. I have definitely had moments of cave dwelling in the last week and a half. But for the most part, I do better when I spend most of my time out of the cave. I'm grateful that Erik is willing to talk through life with me and helps me process things. He's so good like that.

While sitting with my friends yesterday, I told them that I want them to be able to ask me anything about Solveig and what has happened because of her loss. I don't want people to ever be afraid to broach the topic for fear of offending me or "bringing up" something that I don't want to talk about. The truth is, I'm always thinking about her - she is always in my thoughts, and I suspect she may always be...or at least will be extremely present for a VERY long time. Therefore, people talking about her or asking me about her is not a shock and will probably not catch me off guard. If you are reading this and you have wondered about this stuff, please know that I mean it when I say that I want to talk about her and I want you to say her name...and I want you to ask me all about her. Please do. What I don't want, and what anyone who has been through the loss of a child does NOT want, is for people to forget our children. We don't want them to go unremembered...we don't want them to get lost in the shuffle of our busy society that continues on at warp speed even when we feel suspended in space grieving the loss of our children.

And remember...you don't need to solve our situation...you can't, really. You can't change it, you can't do anything to make it different...you can't fix it...but what you can do is simply say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and/or "I'm praying for you." That is really the best thing that anyone can say to someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one. Don't feel like you need to expound on the situation any further. Yes, we believe that our baby is in Heaven now...but honestly, it's hard to hear things like, "God needs babies in Heaven too" or "there must be a reason why." I know that's true. We know it 100%...and even though we know it, it can't bring our baby back...and believe me when I say that we'd do just about anything to bring her back to be with us if we could. We know you mean well if you do say things like this though, so don't worry if you've been one who has said such things. Don't worry that you've offended us. We've heard a lot now and really aren't that easily offended in the first place. And we appreciate people's love for us and their concern, so please don't take what I'm saying as ungratefulness...that's not it at all. Just trying to help you understand what it's like to be on this side of things, if you haven't been there yourself. Hugs and sorry's are so wonderful to hear and experience.

So...clarity...that was my title of the post after all...I feel as though God gave me some clarity this weekend after getting away from my home and my family for just a short respite. I feel like He is lighting a fire under my tail and He is already showing me that I am to use Solveig's life and story as a platform to help others. I really don't know how or what that may entail, but I know that it will be a part of my future...and perhaps it's part of my present too as I am typing these things into cyberspace. But as the grief counselor warned me when I told her that I wanted to help others...I need to wait awhile to really go forth in this desire to help others...I need to keep healing and grieving the loss of Solveig before I'll be ready to help others in a fuller way.

Thanks for your continued support and prayer over us. It really has helped us get through each moment of each day. Some days are good and some days are really hard...but God is with us through all of it.