No Guarantees

Perhaps it is because I'm a worrier by nature, or maybe because I knew so many who had lost babies of their own, but even in my first and second pregnancies I never felt as though things would just be fine and I wouldn't need to be concerned about losing my babies. There was always a part of me which remained reserved and didn't want to expect that my children would be born healthy and would live beyond their birth. Maybe God was just preparing me and giving me some insight that I wasn't yet to fully understand. Well, those two precious children of mine were born, but their lives did not begin without difficulty. With my Bug, I had Pree_clampsia and our lives hung in the balances during the last week and during the delivery. God protected us and that Bug is doing so well. With my Buzz, the pregnancy was fine but following delivery I had a superficial blood clot on my leg and then Buzz was admitted to the hospital just 3 days later for an unknown virus and also dehydration. He nearly died. It was a scary time to say the least. But again, God protected that dear boy of mine and revived him. He is strong and feisty and we are so glad.

In November 2010, we had our first known miscarriage. I was so early on in the pregnancy, probably 5-6 weeks. But it was such a blow. In January 2011, we had another miscarriage, also between 5-6 weeks gestation. After these two miscarriages I really wondered what was going on and if there was something more happening in my body. Dr. M had many tests drawn on me and nothing too earth shattering was found at that point. In a way that was comforting, but I still wondered if something was wrong. Several months later, August 1st, 2011, we found out that we were expecting another baby. The excitement was so strong, yet the reservation was there and I didn't want to get too excited for fear that we may lose this one as well. In the early weeks of the pregnancy, I had my first OB appointment with Dr. M. She thought about my medical history for a few minutes and decided that I needed to be seen by a Hem_atologist for further blood work, to see if there might be a blood disorder which had contributed to the Pree_clampsia, superficial blood clot and two miscarriages. Dr. T found that I have Factor V Lei_den, a fairly common blood clotting disorder. It sounds more intense than it is. What I learned is that I have about a 1% chance of developing a blood clot in my lifetime, and of course that risk goes up slightly during pregnancy. With the new pregnancy underway, the dr's decided that I needed to take baby as_pirin to hopefully avoid developing a blood clot in the pregnancy. And then following delivery, I would need to take a blood thinner called Lov_enox for 4-6 weeks. (I'm currently taking that blood thinner and it's going okay - it just stings, but I've gotten really brave about injecting myself...something I never thought I could do.)

The pregnancy sailed along quite smoothly and I began having regular ultr_asounds and N_ST's each week near the end to monitor baby's growth, health and to hopefully spot any clotting if it were to appear. Things seemed really good. My last ultr_asound and N_ST happened just days before we learned of Solveig's passing - I was 33 weeks along - only 4 weeks from being considered full term. It's amazing how quickly things can change. And also amazing that the cord and all of its tangles were not visible on that screen. And we don't know when the cord was tangled - it might have happened right near the end, or perhaps it was in the works at that ultrasound. These are things we may never know until we get to Heaven.

All this to say, there is only so much that we can humanly do here on this Earth to monitor the progress of a baby inside. And there is only so much we can do during a delivery. And there is only so much we can do once the baby is out of us, kicking and screaming and living. We in our humanness are powerless to do much. There are NO guarantees that any of us will be breathing in the next minute, hour, day or year. We are mortal. We ought not to ever take for granted this life that we have been given. And we ought not to ever take for granted the lives of our children, both those who are here or those who have died.

If you are currently pregnant or you are wanting to be, I really hope that you don't read this and get all worried. I just want to encourage you and all the other readers to really live each moment to the fullest and to love your families and love your children, both inside of you and outside of you...and be grateful for each second you have here. God has kept you here for a reason and He has a purpose for your life. Don't waste it.

Appreciate life. Appreciate breath. Appreciate who you are called to be in this world.

And if you have children, hug them a little bit longer today...tell them again that you love them...show them that you are really listening...spend time with them...you don't want to live with regrets. I see my Bug & Buzz so differently now. I view them through a different lens. And I hope that I always will.

Solveig has changed me. She has changed our family. I hope we will always reflect that change and never forget what she has taught us.

The Charm Bracelet

February 27th...this was the day after we found out that Solveig was no longer alive inside of me. We learned mid day from Dr. L that we would need to go to the hospital the next day to begin the induction process and prepare for arrival of our daughter. There were so many details to be taken care of and it was overwhelming. Not only did we need to make sure that the kids would have child care, but the dog needed to have her own arrangements and we needed to pack and prepare mentally for what was to come. That evening, Erik's parents were able to come and stay with the kids so that we could go out and do some last minute shopping. We wanted to buy something special for the baby to wear - we wanted her to be pretty for her pictures. At first I had it in my head that I needed to get a fancy dress of some sort, but it is very difficult to find something fancy for a tiny preemie. After making lots of phone calls to local stores, I decided that we just needed to go out and do some looking. We came upon this beautiful and simple white gown and upon seeing it we both knew that it was the one for our little girl. We found this soft and cuddly blanket and decided we would wrap her up in it. I decided that it would be best if we all wore white for our photos so that we could be coordinated. For Bug, we found an adorable white dress and Buzz had a white shirt at home. I found a white top and Daddy had a white shirt as well.

After finding the clothes, I had this burning desire to go and find a piece of jewelry to help remember and commemorate Solveig's life. This is something that was suggested to me earlier that day when I spoke with an amazing woman from the hospital who helps with grief counseling. She had been through a stillbirth years earlier and said that having a special piece of jewelry was often a very helpful thing for people like us. We made our way to this store and the sales lady helped us to find a very simple and elegant bracelet on which we could place charms that were meaningful to us. We chose some initial charms to represent our three children, and also a special charm just for Solveig that had a cross on one side and said "believe" on the other side. For her, we also bought the same "S" charm and cross charm and had them placed inside a small box that was later displayed next to and then placed in her casket. I told Erik and also the sales lady that the cross charm had multiple meanings for me. I believe in the cross, and in Christ's death on the cross for our sins. But I also believe that it is because of His death on the cross that our Solveig is now in Heaven celebrating eternal life. We have the promise of being there for all eternity with our daughter because of the cross.

Every time I look at that bracelet, I am grateful for my Savior and his blood shed for us on the cross. And I'm grateful for His loving arms wrapped around our daughter. For until we are there to hold her ourselves, He will care for her in our place. That my friends is comforting.

One Week Later

It is hard to believe that one week has passed since Solveig was born. Time has gone so quickly and yet there have been many moments which have felt as though they were standing still. My body and spirit are exhausted, but life is so busy in our home that things must go on. The struggle to go on and to know how to go on whilst one is grieving is a challenge that I now face. Things of eternal value and significance now take precedence over the mundane. Things that I once enjoyed I currently am not sure how to enjoy. I know that one day we will start to feel more "normal," but for now I feel quite numb. My little people need me to help them and to be there for them, and that part is perhaps the biggest difficulty at this time. I try to reassure them that I love them and that I'm just sad and missing their sister. I am not sure just how much they can comprehend, but I do know that they too are sad and that they wish their sister could be here with us.

The photo in this post was taken by a very sweet and sensitive professional photographer representing a fantastic organization that takes photos free of charge for families such as ours. What a tremendous blessing this organization has been to us and to so many others. Thank you so much to Jen and the group she represents. You helped us to capture memories that we will hold dear forever. For us, this photo of Solveig shows her at one of her best moments after delivery. We will always remember her beautiful features, her tiny button nose, her soft dark, wavy hair, her round cheeks, the shape of her big eyes (which we never got to see...can't wait to see them in Heaven one day), her tiny, long limbs with long toes like her Daddy and long slender fingers, the dimple in her back just like the one on her brother's back. One thing that photos cannot capture but that I hope to remember for a long time is the scent of my baby. That scent is so sweet and pure. I decided to save the blanket that Solveig was wrapped in during our time at the hospital and buy a replacement identical to it which she was wrapped in for her burial. I have clung to that blanket and drank in the scent of my baby many times now, and it has been a real comfort for me. I wish that her Daddy could smell better so that he could also take in that scent again.

The support we are experiencing from our family and friends is immense and encouraging. Please know that if you're trying to get a hold of us and we aren't able to return your call or email right away, we still appreciate you and we'll try to be in touch as we're able to. The thought of talking with people right now is challenging, but I know I'll be ready in time. If you know me at all, you know that I like people and I like visiting...so this is kind of a challenge for me to not feel up to that type of interaction in the same way I normally would be. Hang in there with us.

We're ordering a new freezer today - looking forward to having more room to store the freezer meals which people have offered, as well as upcoming garden vegetables, etc.

I hope to write more in the next couple of days. Thanks for reading.

Solveig Sofia...Born Still

After a very long hiatus from blogging, I now have great reason to return. The need to process the grief which my dear man and I are facing is overwhelming, and I'd like to do some of that through my blog.

Dear friends,

Our daughter Solveig Sofia was born still on February 29th, 2012, weighing just 3 lbs. 11 oz., and measuring 18 in. long. She was about 33.5 weeks of gestational age at the time of her death inside my womb. The cause of her death was the umbilical cord wrapped tightly around her tiny body...three times around her neck, around her arms and her midsection, and also holding in it a true knot. We were glad to at least have a reason for her death, albeit an extremely difficult one, as many do not have that type of knowledge. But after seeing our precious girl following her delivery, we looked at her sweet body and saw how perfectly formed she had been. There was nothing else wrong with her, that we are aware of. That part is really hard to think about. She could have been completely viable outside of my body at this stage in the pregnancy, but the cord got in the way. We will not have all the answers here on Earth. I so want to know why, and I find myself asking God. But I know that when we get to Heaven one day and we are reunited with Solveig, we will also be joined with our Savior Jesus Christ and we will be able to ask Him all about what happened.

This is just the first of what I imagine will be many installments to come...stay tuned...

And thank you for all of your love and prayers. We have felt completely surrounded by the Body of Christ through all of this and we know that the Lord loves us immensely, as He loved Solveig.

A Tale of Two Doggies...

This is Bailey!

Bug LOVES Bailey! They get along so well.

This is Oscar. Read his story and the story of Bailey below...

It all began on a cool, March day. A mama was really pining for a pet lovey of some kind, as Rainbow the Betta Fish just wasn't cutting it for snuggle time and the mama missed having a dog and wished for the proximity of one in her own home. The papa thought she was kind of out on a limb for considering getting a dog when the house was already bustling with much activity, since there are two little ones underfoot at all times. But the mama kept looking online at pictures of adorable pups who needed homes and adoptive families. Finally one day, the mama and the papa found a sweet looking little pup named Oscar on the website for the local shelter. The papa said that the mama could go and meet Oscar, so she got excited and decided to go check him out! The next day, the mama and her two little kiddos drove over to the shelter following a morning of preschool and met Mr. Oscar. He was beautiful, sweet, full of love and snuggles, and he was half yellow Lab and half Basset Hound. He is pictured above. They brought him home the next day and loved him so.

Oscar was really a great dog, 90% of the time. But there was a small percentage of him that could not be trusted. Sadly, Oscar bit Buzz on the face one day. The one year old fence jumping adorable dog that the family loved so dearly in the short five weeks that they had him hurt their son. It was awful. This mama knew deep in her soul that the dog could no longer be trusted, but she and papa had a very difficult time surrendering him back to the shelter where he was originally adopted by them just a few weeks prior. It was one of the hardest days of their lives. Sadly too, Oscar had to be put down because he was a liability for the shelter, and would've been a liability for any future family. The odds of him biting again were too high. It was incredibly heart wrenching and the mama and papa still feel sad about it. But they had a lot of peace knowing that he could never hurt anybody again. They could've lost their son to a dog. He could've taken his eye out or bitten harder and deeper. Thankfully Buzz was okay. He still has a slight scar, but he's doing much better. And he is not afraid of dogs. The mama and papa wish he had a slight bit of fear, and they're trying to teach him that some dogs are not friendly and he needs to always ask before he can touch someone else's dog.

One week after Oscar...the mama just couldn't stop thinking about getting another dog. It was really hard to have the company of a dog in the home and then to suddenly have it taken away. The companionship that an animal provides is really quite special and unique and comforting. Mama kept looking online at the shelter website and found a lovely yellow lab mix, potentially mixed with a Husky or Weimeraner. She had the most beautiful golden eyes, and at 9.5 months was full of adorable puppy love. The mama told the papa that she wanted to go meet this adorable puppy. And the following day, the mama took her auntie and uncle and the two kidlets and headed to the shelter to meet dogs. There were many cute ones, but Bailey was so incredibly friendly and excited to meet the family! The next morning, the papa said that he wanted to meet Bailey and the family headed out again to the shelter. Of course, there's no way you can walk into the shelter and NOT walk out with a puppy!!!

The mama and papa have had Bailey for almost 2 months. She's almost a year old and is a HANDFUL! She is a chewer who eats EVERYTHING she can get her mouth onto. But she is incredibly loving and lets the children hug her and snuggle her. The family is enjoying having a furry friend in their lives once again, and they hope that she will be able to stay with them for a long while!

Happy Summer!

Once again it has been way too long since I last posted and so much has happened in the meantime. Last time I wrote in November, we had just experienced our first miscarriage. There was another in January. Much loss. Through the loss, we've experienced incredible grace and peace. The Lord has supplied our every need. And he's brought us much joy through the two beautiful kids that He has allowed us to have here on this earth. My appreciation for them has increased in this past year and I see them in a new way. My love for my babies has deepened. Here are some recent pictures of them. Bug just turned five years old in May and Anders just turned 3 in June. We can hardly believe how quickly they're changing and growing, right before our tired eyes! The pictures you see are Bug & Buzz with their latest dress-up additions - old wigs from Auntie Dar! They have had so much fun with those wigs. But then, silly Bailey, our yellow lab mix puppy that you see in one of the pics chewed up half of one of the wigs. We didn't know if she'd make it or not, but she was fine! It's amazing what animals can consume and then live afterwards. Needless to say, we've had to move the wigs out of her reach. The picture of my sweet Erik and our Bug was when she had her preschool graduation in May. It's hard to believe that she's done with that chapter of her life already! Auntie Dar is in the background of that picture.

More pictures to come soon...Happy 4th of July!

Loss, Hope and Thankfulness

Dear Friends and Family,

My abandonment of this blog is due to my love for my sweet little family and the busyness of our lives. Simply put, most days I'd rather just be with them and do life than spend time typing something up for the blog. But alas, today I feel the need to write something to document the things that have been happening in our lives.

Loss and Hope...

A few weeks ago we were so excited to find out that we were to be expecting our third little baby. What a gift. After praying and yearning for another child for a long time, God blessed us with this little one. However, after just over a week of officially knowing that we were pregnant, we lost our little baby. It has been a tough but good week. Our friends and family members have rallied around us and have been so encouraging. We are so grateful. My dear man has been incredibly loving and sweet and that has meant so much to me. We have felt uplifted in prayer and have truly known an immense amount of peace. Praise be to our God and Father. One of my very dear friends who has been through similar loss said to me, "nothing anybody said really helped me, but the one thing that got me through was knowing that my little babies were safe in the arms of Jesus." Amen to that. I've thought of that so much this week. Thank you, sweet friend, for sharing that with me. And not to be pessimistic, but I just have to say that I really felt that I might lose this child. It was as though God had been preparing me for YEARS for this to happen. I have heard so many stories of miscarriage, infant and child loss and have always wondered not if but when would it be my turn to experience that. And here we are. Again, I have so much amazing peace. And I am okay. And I know that God is absolutely in control of this situation, just as He has been in control of every other situation in my life. And I also have great HOPE that perhaps He will bless us with another child in the future, if He should so choose. For now, we rest knowing that He knows the plans He has for us.

Thankfulness...

This Thanks_giving time, I am so filled with thankfulness for my family and my friends. God has blessed me with such a dear bunch of people in my world. To my husband and our sweet Bug and Buzz, thank you for being connected to me. Thank you for loving me even when I'm kind of out there. Thank you for sticking by my side through thick and thin. This has been a seemingly interesting year of that. But HE will be praised, and we will glorify HIM together through this.

I am thankful for the family I was born into. Thank you Mom, Dad, and brothers for being there for me and for sharing life with me. This Thanks_giving, we are all so filled with gratitude to have my brother Joel here with us after his very challenging and difficult year of cancer and surgeries and trials. If you have been following his story, right now is another interesting turning point for him. Please please pray for Joel and for his family. And may the Lord be glorified through Joel's life and through this entire situation.

What are you thankful for this week? May the Lord bless you this Thanksgiving. May He clearly show you His presence in your life and His truth.

Much Love from the frozen, beautiful, snowy north land...