My Sweet Boy...A Thoughtful, Loving Brother

As I was helping Buzz get ready for bed tonight, we had another very special conversation.  He was having some deep thoughts, as usual.  Our conversation went something like this...

I can't remember exactly how it started, but all the sudden Buzz was saying something about having three babies in a mommy's tummy.  I explained that those are called triplets.  And that two babies at a time are called twins.  (FYI...this mommy doesn't have any babies in her tummy.)

Eventually I said something like, "we have three babies here on earth and three in Heaven."

Buzz replied, "you had three miscarriages."

I then explained, "well, technically the first two were called miscarriages and then Solveig was termed a stillbirth.  The miscarried babies were so tiny.  I had just found out that I was pregnant with both of them and wasn't very far along at all and nobody could tell that I was pregnant.  I didn't get to see those babies and I didn't deliver them like I delivered the other four of you.  When I had Solveig, she was born still.  That means that she had died inside of me and she was still when she came out.  That is why it is called a stillbirth." (For those of you who've had late term miscarriages, I by no means was trying to diminish that by this explanation...those are so different than the early miscarriages I had...and I didn't know if a 5 year old could quite understand all the differences just yet.  When the kids are older, I want to explain more details about that to them so that they can have a fuller understanding.)

Buzz...silence...and then, "I miss Solveig.  I want to see her again.  I didn't get to see her very long."

Me, "I know, Honey.  You only got to see her that one day when you came to the hospital to see her and we took pictures.  Would you like to see the pictures again?"

Buzz, "Yes, I want to see them."

We looked at the pictures.  I told him, "you looked so sad, but you were such a proud brother."

Buzz, "I was very sad.  I was sad because I didn't want her to die.  I want to see her again."

Me, "You will see her again.  We will see her again in Heaven one day."

Buzz, "I bet that Solveig is older than me.  I bet that she is older than Squeaker too.  Maybe she's like three or something."

Me, "Maybe so, Honey.  I don't know for sure.  But I can hardly wait to see her again."

Buzz, "I like Squeaker too."

Me, "Me too, Honey!  He's such a blessing, isn't he?  I'm so glad that we have him!  I'm so glad that we have all of you!  You are so special to us!  And you are such a good brother.  You will always remember Solveig, and we'll always talk about her.  You can always ask me about her."

Tears were flowing between both of us.  He wanted to snuggle and I held him close...grateful for this child with such a tender heart, so full of love.

These precious moments I hope I never forget.  I hope I never get too busy to stop and take in these times that are meant to be treasured.  I need to help my kids process their thoughts and emotions about all things, including the loss of three siblings.

Erik and I both hope that the life experiences that our children are having and the fact that we are choosing to face the good, bad and the ugly head on will help them in the long run.  I don't want them to be afraid of death.  I don't want them to be afraid to live each moment to the fullest either.  Rather, I want them to run this race that is set before them...keeping their eyes on Jesus...the author and perfecter of their faith.  May He give us all the strength that we need each moment of every day, whether we are feeling weak or we are feeling strong.  We need Him.

Fall Family Photos

Since we've had Squeaker, we haven't taken enough photos.  Life has been so busy, exhausting and good.  So, this past Saturday we had our family photos taken with my friend Heather.  (Heather is the one whose sweet little Briana was also born still and is buried next to our Solveig.  I feel like we're bonded for life and that is a special thing.)  On Heather's photography blog you can see a little glimpse of our family.

Click here to see the photos.  You have to scroll down a bit to see our family - we're the last family near the bottom of the page.

Squeaker is almost six months, Buzz is 5 and Bug is 7.  Me and Daddy are old.

Cheers. :)

Shoes To Grow Into...

Tonight I was going through some bins of kids shoes in an effort to see what we have, to give some away...and apparently to reminisce and daydream.  When I got to the little girl shoes for tiny little feet I had a moment of realizing that our sweet Solveig wouldn't be wearing those shoes here on this earth.  The shoes that her big sister Bug wore will instead go to some other little girls.  And that is a really good thing.  But it's also a hard thing for me today.  I lost it.  The tears started rolling down my cheeks and my sweet Erik came over to hold me.  He is a great comforter and I appreciate him so much.

I decided that I will probably keep a few pair of tiny shoes for the sentimental factor and they will go in Bug's bin of childhood treasures.  There are some things like those shoes and the tiny baby clothes that have been so hard to part with.  I still cannot get myself to go through the preemie, newborn and 0-3 month size girl clothes.  And I don't know that I will be able to for quite some time.  So I guess they'll just stay in our storage area for now, and that is okay.  I'm learning to just let that type of thing be okay because it just has to be for now.

Do you think we'll wear shoes in Heaven? I wonder what the weather will be like there.  I wonder if the ground will be such that people just won't need to wear shoes.  There are people like that anyway who don't wear shoes here in our country as well as in many other parts of the world.  But maybe it will just be that we don't need shoes, period.  I think that everything will be so perfect that we won't have to worry about stepping on sharp objects or tripping on sticks or stones or supporting our wimpy arches in our feet.

Her little feet are probably romping around the fields as she chases the cheetahs...how I long to run with her and tickle those little feet...

Bedtime Snuggle Conversations

Whenever I can, I love to snuggle with my kids before they go to sleep.  These are special moments for us to connect at the end of the day.  And no matter how good or how challenging the day has been, these snuggle moments are times that I relish...times that I am able to slow down and breathe and remember that these little wonders that God has blessed me with are such gifts.

Tonight when I was snuggling with my Buzz, he said to me, "the miscarriages happened before me."  And I said, "no Honey, those were after you."  "Oh yeah, those were when I was two," he said.  How in the world did he remember that?  Then he said, "Mommy, I wasn't able to be there when you had the miscarriages.  I wasn't at the hospital."  I told him, "No, the miscarriages actually happened at home.  I didn't have to go to the hospital for those.  Those little babies were so tiny.  They just left my body more easily.  I just bled a little bit and they came out."  He said, "oh.  But some people have to have their miscarriages cut out their tummies.  They have to have a needle in their tummies and help get the miscarriages out."  I said, "yes, sometimes women need extra help when they are miscarrying and need to be in the hospital.  The doctor has to help clean out their tummy."

I'm not quite sure where that conversation stemmed from today or what caused him to think about it, but I do know that my little boy is a really deep thinker and seems to process things thoroughly.  He seems extra tender about our losses.  I hope and pray that God will use this deep thinker in wonderful ways.

Then I snuggled my big Bug.  She loves to cuddle too.  And both kids always have to have their butterfly kisses and eskimo kisses.  Bug said to me, "Mommy, I miss Solveig."  I told her with tears in my eyes, "Yes honey, I miss her too.  I will always miss her."  Sweet Bug girl then wrapped her arms around me and kissed my cheek.  She is so precious and so full of love to give.  I really appreciate that the Lord gave me that girl.  She has been so tender hearted and has encouraged me a lot.

I'm grateful for these kids.  Thank you God.

Mom & Me Necklaces

**Wow...here is a long lost post that I just found!  I wrote this May 2012 for Mother's Day.**

A month or so after we lost Solveig, a beautiful surprise arrived in the mail.  Our sweet friends Jo and Toby had a necklace made just for me.  It is from The Vin_tage Pe_arl and I love it.  What's so special about it is that it honors all five of my babies...the two living ones and the three who are in Heaven.  (this should really say six babies, but of course it was written originally pre-Squeaker) The kids' initials are on tiny, silver charms.  Each charm is unique for each unique child.  And for my two miscarried babies who don't yet have names, Jo honored them with two tiny white pearls.

Thank you so much Jo and Toby.  This necklace is just stunning and I wear it a lot!!!

(I decided to not post the picture of my necklace on the blog as it has my kids' initials...AND, I just ordered a charm for our little "Squeaker" so that I can wear the necklace again in honor of all of our kids!)

I was so inspired by this necklace and decided that my mom needed to have one just like it to honor her and to commemorate her five babies that she brought into this world...three living, and two who are in Heaven.  Mom and Dad had conjoined twins that were miscarried at around four months.  Mom talks about how they were so tiny and she could hold them in her hands.  I can't wait to meet them in Heaven one day.  I've always wondered if they'll still be conjoined there or if they'll be in their own single bodies.

For Mother's Day, we gave the necklace to my sweet mom.  She has been and continues to be a blessing in our lives and I'm so grateful for her.  I love you, Mom.

Erik, Joel & Melody...and two small pearls for the twins...and one large one just
 because it came with the necklace.  My necklace is really similar to the one above.

Me and my mama...the sweetest mom I could ever imagine.

I made Paula Deen's Lemon Cake for Mother's Day.

If you or someone you know could use some encouragement, I can tell you that giving a piece of jewelry to honor that person or their loved ones is so special and can mean so much.  I'll always love my special jewelry that honors my babies, and I'm so grateful to have it.  You can find a lot of these kinds of things for very inexpensive prices nowadays - it doesn't have to be fancy or cost a lot.

Blessings to you.

18 Months Later...

Today marks 18 months since Solveig was born silently into our world...into our lives forever.  There are a lot of months that go by that don't seem so significant, and I'll completely miss the 29th day.  But for whatever reason this month I have been thinking so much about her and thinking about how she would be a year and a half old.  Wow!  Last night it hit me really hard and I was so sad.  I've been noticing other little ones who are around that age, and I've enjoyed seeing them toddling around getting into mischief, playing heartily, smiling and laughing...all the things that our little one would be doing too.  It usually helps to see the other kids at the age she would be at.  I remember my friend Lea telling me that she will always notice children who are at the age her little Johnny would be at.  Johnny would be almost five and a half now...just a few months older than our little Buzz...he died when he was just four months old from heart problems.  I miss him too and think of him so often.  Hugs to you, Lea and Dave and family.

So much has happened in these last few years.  We lost three children to Heaven.  We gained one to our earthly family.  My brother died.  There has been a lot of grief and sadness.  And there has also been a lot of joy in the midst of the sadness.  After we lost Solveig, I wondered if I would ever be happy again.  I didn't think it would be possible to ever find joy again.  But I did.  I have.  Then my brother Joel died and I thought the same thing...will I ever be filled with joy again?  Why is there so much sadness in this earthly life we live?  Why do people I love keep dying?  Why does it have to hurt so much?  But God has given me new hope and new joy.  Our little Squeaker has been such a help during this season of hurt.  He has brought much joy.  He will never replace his big sister Solveig...he is his own person, and we are so glad that he is.  She will always hold a special place in our hearts.  We will always talk about her and remember her.  I think of her every day...sometimes with heaviness and sometimes with happiness.  But either way, I'm grateful for the place that she has in our family.  I'm so glad that we had her.  I wouldn't want to take her out of the picture, for she has shaped who I am today.  I'll never be the same.  Some of my innocence is gone, but there is a new awareness of life and its fragility.  There is a deeper sense of gratitude for the children who are here with us, for my husband, for every moment that we live and breathe.  These are all gifts from God.  I don't believe that I will ever take these gifts for granted.  I don't think I could.

Sweet Solveig, I hope you are getting into a healthy dose of mischief in Heaven today. :)  I hope that you are having a lot of fun playing with all the animals, spending time with family members and friends who love you, eating yummy food, singing songs and banging on instruments, hugging Jesus and enjoying the life that you have.  We sure do miss you here, and we can't wait to see you again.  I can't wait to hear you singing songs.  Thank you for changing our lives forever.  We're so grateful for you.

Love,
Mama

Missing Her...

We just got back from a lovely family escape to the North Shore of our North Star state.  It was so good to be away, becoming more rooted as a family of five on this earth.  The idea of the five of us is becoming more and more comfortable and right.  But there are still many days that the awareness of Solveig missing is apparent to me...and today is one of them.

In the midst of digging out my mess of an office space I came upon some more ultrasound photos from our sweet girl, dated 2/13/12...just 16 days before she was delivered still into our world.  I thought I had already placed all of the ultrasound photos in her scrapbook, but here were some more.  Her eyes were open, her face turned towards the camera, and I could see the cord near her neck, wrapped around it.  That darn cord.  Still some days I really struggle with that part, seeing the object that was supposed to give her life but ended up taking her life.  You might be saying to yourself, "but this loss happened a year and a half ago...how can she still struggle with that?"  True, it did happen that long ago.  But I will always miss my girl.  And the depth of grief and loss has not fully departed from me.  I don't think a person can just all the sudden stop grieving after a year, after two years, after however many years you want to put on it.  There just isn't a specific timeline for grief, nor should there be.  You must know that there are a lot of great days, even weeks and months where I don't feel really down over our loss.  But then it strikes like a bolt of lightning and catches me unaware.  And for a moment time seems to stop.  And I can't do anything for a bit...except to write.

She should be here too.

How my soul longs to reunite with our daughter, with our two other little babies that we never got to hold in our arms and with my brother Joel.  Heaven will be glorious.  I know it will be.  And I will look forward to being there.

For now, Lord help me and my grieving heart learn to live on this earth in the way you wish me to.  I need your help.  Amen.