Today at my MO_PS group, our speaker talked about planning how we want our family to be and how we want it to look. She was coming at it more from a spiritual perspective and did a great job reminding us of the importance to include our faith in the day to day of raising our kids. She shared how special it was that her parents quoted scripture a lot in reference to different situations that would arise, and how she still today remembers those scriptures readily because she heard them so many times. My parents did a good job of that as well. Thanks, Mom and Dad. You definitely helped implant many verses into my brain. The one that really stands out in my mind is "children obey your parents, for this is right." Ah yes, the times of not wanting to obey were many! And now, as a parent myself, I understand why they kept telling me that verse and why they wanted me to remember it!
I hadn't cried for more than about a minute in days. Things were going along swimmingly well. And then today, at our meeting, our speaker had wanted us to participate in a certain exercise. She had given us packets with some materials to help us with our family planning and outlook, along with lots of scriptures and thoughts to encourage us. On the front of our packet was a blank page that said something like "my family picture." She asked us to draw what we wanted our family to look like. Well, at that moment I completely lost it. The anxiety welled up in me and the reminder that we just lost our baby girl exactly 10 weeks ago and that her due date was exactly one month ago hit me smack in the face. For you see, I had it all planned out in my head. For years, I have wanted three or four kids...probably my whole life. My whole life I had planned that I would have at least three kids, because naturally having grown up in a house with three kids it seemed like a good number. Of course, after having our two miscarriages the reality of possibly not having another became quite clear. And then our sweet Solveig was such an amazing miracle. We knew, and still KNOW, that she was a true gift from God. During her pregnancy I was planning out in my mind what our little family would look like, and it finally felt complete because she was in the picture. Then life happened, and her life was taken away. Her life was taken away to Jesus, where she continues to live. As my friend Kellie says about her daughter, "Makenzie is in future, she's just ahead of me." And my Solveig is also ahead of me, along with our other two babies.
So, now that our little Solveig is not in our earthly picture, how do I go about drawing a picture of how I want my family to look? Do I draw it with Solveig in the picture? Because obviously, that's how I want it to look. I want her here. I miss her so immensely today that it almost feels like she just died yesterday. And honestly, I didn't know that I could feel that way again. My body and my spirit are aching for her today. I literally feel her presence absent from me once again.
Needless to say, I couldn't draw that picture. Tears fell in rapid succession from my eyes and covered the pages of paper that were beneath me. My friends at the table all understood. And one even said, "we're not going to draw pictures right now." Bless her heart. :) Love you Trisha.
We cannot see into the future, unless God gives us visions. But not many of us have that kind of spiritual gift. Furthermore, there is a lot about our futures that we do not know because God doesn't want us to know it all. Imagine, if we knew everything about our futures, we'd probably be a mess every second of every day! Because the reality is, we will ALL face difficult things in our lives. Every single one of us. We are not meant to live this life with freedom from pain and trial, for this world is full of it. BUT...we can know that we have a hope and a future if we trust in Christ. He has given us hope for all eternity in Heaven!
Even if I don't know what my family is supposed to look like like on paper, I do know that God knows. He knows exactly what it is supposed to look like. And Solveig will ALWAYS be part of our family, as will our other two little babies. They may not reside with us here on earth in their physical beings, but one day when we are in Heaven, we will be reunited with them. And in the meantime, here on earth, we can ask God to help us focus our days with purpose and intent. We can ask Him to help us be the family that He has called us to be. And He will draw our picture, even when we are at a loss...for He has the strength that none other could ever have.
In my mind, my angel babies are flying high in the sky, above our family picture here on earth...high above these little monkeys who will one day get to play with them in Heaven. Won't that be the BEST playtime ever???
This photo was taken in Michigan last August...the day that we found out we were pregnant with Solveig. :) That was really a sweet day.
