Letter To My Daughter

We had our kids make special cards for Solveig using scrapbook paper that I had and stickers that were given to us by the Miss_ing Gra_ce Foun_dation. Those cards were on display next to her casket at the funeral, and upon burial we placed the cards inside to be buried with Solveig. I knew that I needed to write her a letter as well, and I encouraged Erik to do the same - and he did, bless his wonderful heart. We placed our letters in the casket right before it was sealed the day of her burial. I made sure to make copies of the letters for us to keep here. Below is my letter:

Sunday March 4, 2012

My dear, beautiful daughter Solveig Sofia,

I love you so very much and right now my heart is aching to have you here in my arms. The Lord brought you into our lives and He took you out...but your life was not a mistake, nor will it ever be forgotten. I will always be grateful that I carried you close to my heart, inside my womb. There is nothing else quite so astounding as the presence of a baby inside a mama. This mama prayed for such a long time to have another child. And after losing two sweet babies early on in pregnancy I wasn't sure if we'd ever be able to have another baby. Then God surprised your daddy and I with the gift of you. And what an awesome gift you were, are and always will be to us. Daddy and I are deeply grieving and we do not understand why you are not here. We do not know why your life was taken so early due to the umbilical cord wrapping around your fragile frame. But what I can tell you is that many people's lives have already been touched by you, and the Lord is being brought glory. Your funeral yesterday was absolutely stunning and I am so thankful that we could honor your short life in that way. I wish that you were here...to rock you, nurse you, hold you, kiss your soft skin and stroke your feather soft hear...to see you grow up with your big brother and sister...to enjoy life with you. There is no one who will EVER replace you. No one will ever take from your daddy and I the pieces of our hearts which you have. We long to see you again in Heaven where we will stand with you in the presence of the Lord God Almighty. We look forward to running through the streets of gold and the lush green fields, playing with all the animals, laughing, singing, dancing and eating. Solveig Sofia Johnson, you have left an indelible print in our lives and we will always love you.

Love always,

Your mommy, Melody

Soft and White

In a previous entry, I wrote about how we went shopping for a special outfit for Solveig to wear when we were spending time with her and also for her burial. When I thought about what color it needed to be, I just knew that it had to be white. White is such a symbol of purity and cleanliness...and to us, our little daughter was the complete embodiment of those symbols. This was especially true since we knew that her spirit had left her body prior to her physical entrance into this world, and that spirit was caught up in Heaven where all things are made new and clean and whole and pure. After we bought the outfit and she was resting peacefully in it while we held her and when we placed her in the ground, I realized that I had forgotten to purchase a duplicate outfit and for me that was a very important detail. A few days after the burial, I decided to go ahead and order that duplicate...and yesterday it arrived in the mail. Wrapped inside this tiny package was the preemie sized white cotton pointelle knit baby gown that we had bought for our little Solveig. Seeing it again almost took my breath away, but it was really sweet to once again hold that outfit in my hands and to feel its softness next to my skin. I know it's not the same thing as it was when my little girl was wrapped in something similar, but if it helps me remember her and think fondly of her then I think that's great. Tears welled up in my eyes as I showed Erik...and he also had tears.

There is a tiny rosebud on the outfit, and it is so befitting of our baby who was wearing it. She was like a rosebud...so soft and new and beautiful. On Solveig's original outfit, there was one difference...her rosebud was stained from drops of blood which came from her mouth or nose. At first this really bothered me, seeing those drops on her clothing. It seemed that it was now soiled and no longer pure. But this is just a natural part of what happens after a person has died and blood and water weep from their body. As hard as it was for us to see that blood coming from our tiny baby, it was a visceral reminder to us of Christ dying on the cross...the blood and water seeping out of Him when He was pierced. And for some reason that brought to me comfort, knowing once again that it is He who saved us from our sins. And because our daughter was quickly taken from this sinful world before she ever fully stepped foot into it, she now has complete freedom from ever being brought down by that ugly sin. Oh, to be free from the curse of the sinful world...we all can have that chance, if we just believe in Him who died to set us free.

May the rosebud inspire you to think of Him. We are forever changed by Him, and by our little girl.

Big Sister's Thoughts

Many sweet thoughts have been coming out of our children's mouths these last few weeks. Today at lunch, Bug started talking about Solveig and said, "Sometimes when I think about Solveig, I like to call her 'Sissy.' (I know that she means sister, of course.) That's just like when Buzz was a baby and he would call me [insert nickname]." I asked her, "Do you miss Solveig?" Her reply was, "Yes, I do. Sometimes at night when I'm trying to go to sleep, I think about her and about all the fun times that we would've had together." Tears from the mama...unstoppable...leaving me speechless....Then I say to her, "well one day when we're in Heaven together, we'll have a great time together with Solveig." Bug says, "Yes, that will be great. We won't have to live in separate houses anymore."

No my dear, we will not. For we will all live in God's big house with many many rooms...oh how I long to be there.

Clarity

This weekend, I was blessed to get away with four of my girlfriends for one night and two good days. I thought it might be too early for me to get away, and I wasn't sure what it would be like to face people and to talk about things...but you know what? It was GREAT. To be surrounded by dear friends who love me no matter what was just what my soul needed. Thanks to my Erik for encouraging me to go away. And thank you dear friends - you know who you are and you are a blessing.

One thing is for sure - I am not a person who can stuff things inside and not talk about what is going on my life. That is just not my personality. And for better or worse, I like to get out the "stuff" and work through it. Most of the time I believe it is for the better. Part of me wanted to run and hide in a cave and not come out for a very long time after we lost Solveig. I have definitely had moments of cave dwelling in the last week and a half. But for the most part, I do better when I spend most of my time out of the cave. I'm grateful that Erik is willing to talk through life with me and helps me process things. He's so good like that.

While sitting with my friends yesterday, I told them that I want them to be able to ask me anything about Solveig and what has happened because of her loss. I don't want people to ever be afraid to broach the topic for fear of offending me or "bringing up" something that I don't want to talk about. The truth is, I'm always thinking about her - she is always in my thoughts, and I suspect she may always be...or at least will be extremely present for a VERY long time. Therefore, people talking about her or asking me about her is not a shock and will probably not catch me off guard. If you are reading this and you have wondered about this stuff, please know that I mean it when I say that I want to talk about her and I want you to say her name...and I want you to ask me all about her. Please do. What I don't want, and what anyone who has been through the loss of a child does NOT want, is for people to forget our children. We don't want them to go unremembered...we don't want them to get lost in the shuffle of our busy society that continues on at warp speed even when we feel suspended in space grieving the loss of our children.

And remember...you don't need to solve our situation...you can't, really. You can't change it, you can't do anything to make it different...you can't fix it...but what you can do is simply say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and/or "I'm praying for you." That is really the best thing that anyone can say to someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one. Don't feel like you need to expound on the situation any further. Yes, we believe that our baby is in Heaven now...but honestly, it's hard to hear things like, "God needs babies in Heaven too" or "there must be a reason why." I know that's true. We know it 100%...and even though we know it, it can't bring our baby back...and believe me when I say that we'd do just about anything to bring her back to be with us if we could. We know you mean well if you do say things like this though, so don't worry if you've been one who has said such things. Don't worry that you've offended us. We've heard a lot now and really aren't that easily offended in the first place. And we appreciate people's love for us and their concern, so please don't take what I'm saying as ungratefulness...that's not it at all. Just trying to help you understand what it's like to be on this side of things, if you haven't been there yourself. Hugs and sorry's are so wonderful to hear and experience.

So...clarity...that was my title of the post after all...I feel as though God gave me some clarity this weekend after getting away from my home and my family for just a short respite. I feel like He is lighting a fire under my tail and He is already showing me that I am to use Solveig's life and story as a platform to help others. I really don't know how or what that may entail, but I know that it will be a part of my future...and perhaps it's part of my present too as I am typing these things into cyberspace. But as the grief counselor warned me when I told her that I wanted to help others...I need to wait awhile to really go forth in this desire to help others...I need to keep healing and grieving the loss of Solveig before I'll be ready to help others in a fuller way.

Thanks for your continued support and prayer over us. It really has helped us get through each moment of each day. Some days are good and some days are really hard...but God is with us through all of it.

Strawberry Dresses

Because we already have one daughter, I didn't need to do much in the way of shopping to prepare for little Solveig. I figured I'd have most of the things I needed to get her started at least, and I would just fill in the "holes" where needed. But every now and then when I was out shopping, something would catch my eye and I would buy it for my baby girl. Just a few special items made their way home with me, and also some essentials such as diapers and a new diaper bag.

Tonight, Erik and I decided that it was time to take stock of which items needed to be returned to the store. I just went into the nursery and melted when I came across certain things...like the "little sister" onesie and sleeper that I was looking forward to her wearing...and the "big brother" book that I had purchased for Buzz. He was so excited to be a big brother, and a good one he would be. I decided that I would keep the little sister onesie and sleeper for now, because honestly, I just couldn't part with them. Then there was the open pack of newborn size diapers that the kids and I had opened a few weeks ago, just so we could see how adorable and tiny those little covers really are. They were so excited about the diapers...so was I...

The last bag that I opened up held some adorable matching red strawberry dresses that I bought for Bug and her little sister, hoping that they would wear them later this summer and we'd find a cute green shirt for Buzz to join in on the fun. I had in my mind a very cute photo session with the three of them. And now that is not to be.

Thinking about things like the strawberry dresses, future photo sessions, growth milestones...all these things which will not be for our Solveig...these things are difficult to swallow and to accept.

Maybe there are fields of strawberries in Heaven for us to eat together...maybe she's eating some right now...I look forward to the feast there with our daughter.

No Guarantees

Perhaps it is because I'm a worrier by nature, or maybe because I knew so many who had lost babies of their own, but even in my first and second pregnancies I never felt as though things would just be fine and I wouldn't need to be concerned about losing my babies. There was always a part of me which remained reserved and didn't want to expect that my children would be born healthy and would live beyond their birth. Maybe God was just preparing me and giving me some insight that I wasn't yet to fully understand. Well, those two precious children of mine were born, but their lives did not begin without difficulty. With my Bug, I had Pree_clampsia and our lives hung in the balances during the last week and during the delivery. God protected us and that Bug is doing so well. With my Buzz, the pregnancy was fine but following delivery I had a superficial blood clot on my leg and then Buzz was admitted to the hospital just 3 days later for an unknown virus and also dehydration. He nearly died. It was a scary time to say the least. But again, God protected that dear boy of mine and revived him. He is strong and feisty and we are so glad.

In November 2010, we had our first known miscarriage. I was so early on in the pregnancy, probably 5-6 weeks. But it was such a blow. In January 2011, we had another miscarriage, also between 5-6 weeks gestation. After these two miscarriages I really wondered what was going on and if there was something more happening in my body. Dr. M had many tests drawn on me and nothing too earth shattering was found at that point. In a way that was comforting, but I still wondered if something was wrong. Several months later, August 1st, 2011, we found out that we were expecting another baby. The excitement was so strong, yet the reservation was there and I didn't want to get too excited for fear that we may lose this one as well. In the early weeks of the pregnancy, I had my first OB appointment with Dr. M. She thought about my medical history for a few minutes and decided that I needed to be seen by a Hem_atologist for further blood work, to see if there might be a blood disorder which had contributed to the Pree_clampsia, superficial blood clot and two miscarriages. Dr. T found that I have Factor V Lei_den, a fairly common blood clotting disorder. It sounds more intense than it is. What I learned is that I have about a 1% chance of developing a blood clot in my lifetime, and of course that risk goes up slightly during pregnancy. With the new pregnancy underway, the dr's decided that I needed to take baby as_pirin to hopefully avoid developing a blood clot in the pregnancy. And then following delivery, I would need to take a blood thinner called Lov_enox for 4-6 weeks. (I'm currently taking that blood thinner and it's going okay - it just stings, but I've gotten really brave about injecting myself...something I never thought I could do.)

The pregnancy sailed along quite smoothly and I began having regular ultr_asounds and N_ST's each week near the end to monitor baby's growth, health and to hopefully spot any clotting if it were to appear. Things seemed really good. My last ultr_asound and N_ST happened just days before we learned of Solveig's passing - I was 33 weeks along - only 4 weeks from being considered full term. It's amazing how quickly things can change. And also amazing that the cord and all of its tangles were not visible on that screen. And we don't know when the cord was tangled - it might have happened right near the end, or perhaps it was in the works at that ultrasound. These are things we may never know until we get to Heaven.

All this to say, there is only so much that we can humanly do here on this Earth to monitor the progress of a baby inside. And there is only so much we can do during a delivery. And there is only so much we can do once the baby is out of us, kicking and screaming and living. We in our humanness are powerless to do much. There are NO guarantees that any of us will be breathing in the next minute, hour, day or year. We are mortal. We ought not to ever take for granted this life that we have been given. And we ought not to ever take for granted the lives of our children, both those who are here or those who have died.

If you are currently pregnant or you are wanting to be, I really hope that you don't read this and get all worried. I just want to encourage you and all the other readers to really live each moment to the fullest and to love your families and love your children, both inside of you and outside of you...and be grateful for each second you have here. God has kept you here for a reason and He has a purpose for your life. Don't waste it.

Appreciate life. Appreciate breath. Appreciate who you are called to be in this world.

And if you have children, hug them a little bit longer today...tell them again that you love them...show them that you are really listening...spend time with them...you don't want to live with regrets. I see my Bug & Buzz so differently now. I view them through a different lens. And I hope that I always will.

Solveig has changed me. She has changed our family. I hope we will always reflect that change and never forget what she has taught us.

The Charm Bracelet

February 27th...this was the day after we found out that Solveig was no longer alive inside of me. We learned mid day from Dr. L that we would need to go to the hospital the next day to begin the induction process and prepare for arrival of our daughter. There were so many details to be taken care of and it was overwhelming. Not only did we need to make sure that the kids would have child care, but the dog needed to have her own arrangements and we needed to pack and prepare mentally for what was to come. That evening, Erik's parents were able to come and stay with the kids so that we could go out and do some last minute shopping. We wanted to buy something special for the baby to wear - we wanted her to be pretty for her pictures. At first I had it in my head that I needed to get a fancy dress of some sort, but it is very difficult to find something fancy for a tiny preemie. After making lots of phone calls to local stores, I decided that we just needed to go out and do some looking. We came upon this beautiful and simple white gown and upon seeing it we both knew that it was the one for our little girl. We found this soft and cuddly blanket and decided we would wrap her up in it. I decided that it would be best if we all wore white for our photos so that we could be coordinated. For Bug, we found an adorable white dress and Buzz had a white shirt at home. I found a white top and Daddy had a white shirt as well.

After finding the clothes, I had this burning desire to go and find a piece of jewelry to help remember and commemorate Solveig's life. This is something that was suggested to me earlier that day when I spoke with an amazing woman from the hospital who helps with grief counseling. She had been through a stillbirth years earlier and said that having a special piece of jewelry was often a very helpful thing for people like us. We made our way to this store and the sales lady helped us to find a very simple and elegant bracelet on which we could place charms that were meaningful to us. We chose some initial charms to represent our three children, and also a special charm just for Solveig that had a cross on one side and said "believe" on the other side. For her, we also bought the same "S" charm and cross charm and had them placed inside a small box that was later displayed next to and then placed in her casket. I told Erik and also the sales lady that the cross charm had multiple meanings for me. I believe in the cross, and in Christ's death on the cross for our sins. But I also believe that it is because of His death on the cross that our Solveig is now in Heaven celebrating eternal life. We have the promise of being there for all eternity with our daughter because of the cross.

Every time I look at that bracelet, I am grateful for my Savior and his blood shed for us on the cross. And I'm grateful for His loving arms wrapped around our daughter. For until we are there to hold her ourselves, He will care for her in our place. That my friends is comforting.