The Fabric Store Encounter

Last night I set out to the local fabric store in search of some fabric for the little gowns I intend to sew in honor of Solveig.  While I was on my fabric search, I first worked with an older sales person who looked to be a grandmother.  She was so sweet.  She asked me if I needed help finding something and I told her that I was indeed looking for some really soft, delicate fabric that would be suitable for infant burial gowns.  She seemed just a tiny bit taken aback, but not too shocked.  And she was very willing to help me in the process of searching.  She confirmed what I had already discovered.  My choices of pale pink flannel and cream colored knit were some of the softest offerings the store had.  She then directed me to the notions area so that I could gather some sweet details to add to the finished gowns.  I really want them to look pretty for these baby girls and their families.  I figure I'll start with the flannel and see how it goes before I attempt sewing the knit.

After I stared at ruffles, ribbons, lace and other things of that nature for probably thirty minutes or more, I finally decided upon a couple of options that seemed to be good for this purpose.  They have to be simple.  They have to be sweet.  They have to be delicate and not too big.  They have to be so pretty.  I just want these babies to be taken care of well.  I want their parents to be able to hold them a little bit longer…to enjoy spending moments with their babies, for the moments shortly after their little ones are born are all they will ever have.

I headed for the cut counter.  The young woman who was there helping me said with her sweet and cheery disposition, "What project are you making?"

I replied, "well, it's a really special project.  It's kind of a hard one.  I am sewing burial gowns for babies."

Silence.

Shock and dumfoundedness…

She didn't know what to say.

I don't blame her.

She has never faced something similar, I tell myself.

She's probably 19 and this feels so foreign to her.

She sweetly replied in her shocked state, "oh, wow.  That's not something I hear of very often!  No offense!"

"It's okay," I tell her.  "No problem.  It really is an honor to be making these.  It's hard but it's good."

I then went on to explain the short version of our loss and how I'm working with the hospital box project.  And that this year I decided I needed to sew something in honor of our daughter.  She just soaked it all in and said, "I hope you can have fun sewing these."

Fun isn't necessarily the word I would use to describe it.  But for sure it's an honor.  And the thought of it gets me excited, because I just want someone else to be able to have something for their precious child to wear.  It's such a hard thing to face, losing one's child.  The least I can do is help give them an outfit that can be used to make their child feel and look more "normal."  That's one thing that I think really helped us…being able to dress our daughter.

So, here I sit with my fabric, thread and notions in hand.  I hope to start my project sometime in the next week…before her birthday.  We also have a family box project day nearing and I need to prepare for that as well.

Thank you friends for your thoughts and prayers and love during these days, weeks, months and years. Thank you to the people who have been and continue to take the journey with us.  We are so blessed with your love.  And know that we are willing to pray over you and go with you on your journeys too.

Everyone has a journey.  Everyone has a story to tell.  We know that.  We are not the only ones.  If you haven't faced something too challenging yet, you will at some point or another.  It's just how life rolls.  But you can know that no matter what, God is available to you to help you get through it.  You just have to ask for His help.  He will guide you…if you just ask.  He loves you.  He will always love you. I tell my kids all the time, "Don't ever forget that God loves you more than any other person in this world ever could possibly love you."  I believe that, 100%.

May He be near you this week.

Sewing For Solveig

Last year, for Solveig's birthday we donated a set of matching blankets and preemie sized outfits to our hospital.  This gift was meant to be given to another family in need, during their time of loss.  It meant so much to us to have a special outfit and blanket for our daughter when we lost her, and we wanted to do the same for another family.  One outfit and blanket was for burying the baby, and the other was to be for the parents to keep as a remembrance.

As Solveig's birthday has been creeping up on us, I've been trying to find the perfect outfit to buy in duplicate for this same purpose.  It's hard to find burial outfits for babies in regular stores.  Most of the things that are available aren't the type of thing that can be easily put on such delicate skin.  But there are burial outfits and buntings and patterns available, and the other night I went on a search online to see what I could find.

After finding a free pattern for what I think will be just perfect, I have decided that I would in fact like to attempt sewing some of these sweet little outfits in honor of my Solveig.  My goal right now is that I hope to make two for this year.  But, if I get really inspired and the project ends up being easier than I thought, maybe I will make more.

The great thing about this pattern is that it is kind of like a bath robe for a baby.  It easily slips on and off and has a beautiful ribbon tie.  Here is a picture of an example.  The intent is for the fabric to not disturb the delicate skin of the child.  It should be really easy to put on.  And my vision about this outfit is that I want to make it as pretty as possible, with really simple and soft fabric and perhaps include some special little touches that will make it be even more elegant.  

Because of my involvement with Solveig's Boxes, I don't know that I will have time to make a whole lot of these myself.  But…this is where YOU might be able to help!  If you would be interested in helping to sew some outfits based on this pattern, please let me know.  Or if you would like to donate some fabric towards the cause, let me know.  

Click here for the website.   There are two different sizes available here.  The only thing is, I don't think that the large size is large enough to be a preemie sized outfit.  So, I am thinking about adapting the pattern to be an official preemie size.  And I'd like to do the same for a newborn size.  OR, if you're really good at such things, let me know and maybe you could help with this process of adapting the pattern!  

My dream is that we could donate a lot of these outfits and tiny buntings and diapers to our hospital as they could really use them to bless so many families.  It would be lovely to have some in all different sizes.

Will you join me in the dream? :)

New Year, New Look

My blog has needed some updating for way too long!  So, today I found an awesome FREE blog background from Shabby Blogs and put up one of our latest family photos.  Thank you sweet Heather for taking such great photos of my family.  I appreciate you and your gifts!

There is much more I want to say, and I'm working on some other posts…lots to share.  This is actually a really hard time of year for our family as we prepare to celebrate Solveig's birthday at the end of this month.  We miss her a lot.

There is also much to be thankful for.  This morning I heard a sermon on the radio from Chip Ingram about not being a victim when difficult things happen.  (Here is a link to his website where you can download the message for free.) He talked about the need to grieve and acknowledge and work through what happens, but then to not play the role of victim…the constant "why me," or "why did this happen?"  I think this is so important to remember.  But it's also a tricky balance.  We do need to thoroughly work through grief and not think that we can just brush it off.  That's not healthy nor is it  practical.  If we think we can brush it aside, we will actually only be making our problems worse…as they will grow like bacteria in a petri dish and become more lethal.  Chip's point was that once we've  done some of our grieving, we should stop and say, "now, what can I do with this?  What can I do and how can I allow God to use this situation to help other people?  How can I help someone else who may be going through something similar?"  Great reminder, isn't it?  If we don't try to get outside of ourselves in the midst of our grief, grief can instead become so selfish.  I have definitely experienced this first hand.

I'm thankful to be having opportunities to talk with other people who are going through baby loss, or to share with those who are on the outside wondering how to help those who are going through the loss.  And I'm thankful to be working on Solveig's Boxes for the hospital.  I have more to share about that and some other neat opportunities and will do so soon.  Stay tuned.

Buzz Conversation

My sweet Buzz boy still has the deepest thoughts at his age of five.  Tonight, as I was tucking him into bed we had a sweet visit.  Here is what was said:

"Buzz, do you think about Uncle Joel?"

"Yes, I do.  I miss him a lot."

"I do too, Honey.  I think about him all the time and I miss him so much."

Buzz said, "But he's in Heaven now."  A big smile spread across his face.  And it made me smile too.

Then I said, "What do you think he's doing today?"

Buzz said, "I don't know."

I replied, "I wonder if he's playing his guitar."

Buzz quickly said, "but he didn't die with his guitar."

Hmm…interesting.  "You're right honey, but he did love to play the guitar and sing.  And sometimes I wonder if he has a guitar in Heaven.  Maybe he's eating good food too."

Buzz said, "Yeah, and he's taking care of Solveig!"  Another big smile spread across his face.  Tears were dripping from my eyes at this point.

"Yes Honey, I believe that he is taking care of Solveig.  And that makes your mama so happy to think about that!  Uncle Joel loved babies."

"Will we see Solveig in Heaven?"

"Yes, Honey.  We will see her.  And that is something wonderful to look forward to.  I can't wait!"

Big smile on his face yet again.

I LOVE it when Buzz and I have these conversations about life.  He is such a precious boy and I hope that his depth of thought continues forever.

My Sweet Boy...A Thoughtful, Loving Brother

As I was helping Buzz get ready for bed tonight, we had another very special conversation.  He was having some deep thoughts, as usual.  Our conversation went something like this...

I can't remember exactly how it started, but all the sudden Buzz was saying something about having three babies in a mommy's tummy.  I explained that those are called triplets.  And that two babies at a time are called twins.  (FYI...this mommy doesn't have any babies in her tummy.)

Eventually I said something like, "we have three babies here on earth and three in Heaven."

Buzz replied, "you had three miscarriages."

I then explained, "well, technically the first two were called miscarriages and then Solveig was termed a stillbirth.  The miscarried babies were so tiny.  I had just found out that I was pregnant with both of them and wasn't very far along at all and nobody could tell that I was pregnant.  I didn't get to see those babies and I didn't deliver them like I delivered the other four of you.  When I had Solveig, she was born still.  That means that she had died inside of me and she was still when she came out.  That is why it is called a stillbirth." (For those of you who've had late term miscarriages, I by no means was trying to diminish that by this explanation...those are so different than the early miscarriages I had...and I didn't know if a 5 year old could quite understand all the differences just yet.  When the kids are older, I want to explain more details about that to them so that they can have a fuller understanding.)

Buzz...silence...and then, "I miss Solveig.  I want to see her again.  I didn't get to see her very long."

Me, "I know, Honey.  You only got to see her that one day when you came to the hospital to see her and we took pictures.  Would you like to see the pictures again?"

Buzz, "Yes, I want to see them."

We looked at the pictures.  I told him, "you looked so sad, but you were such a proud brother."

Buzz, "I was very sad.  I was sad because I didn't want her to die.  I want to see her again."

Me, "You will see her again.  We will see her again in Heaven one day."

Buzz, "I bet that Solveig is older than me.  I bet that she is older than Squeaker too.  Maybe she's like three or something."

Me, "Maybe so, Honey.  I don't know for sure.  But I can hardly wait to see her again."

Buzz, "I like Squeaker too."

Me, "Me too, Honey!  He's such a blessing, isn't he?  I'm so glad that we have him!  I'm so glad that we have all of you!  You are so special to us!  And you are such a good brother.  You will always remember Solveig, and we'll always talk about her.  You can always ask me about her."

Tears were flowing between both of us.  He wanted to snuggle and I held him close...grateful for this child with such a tender heart, so full of love.

These precious moments I hope I never forget.  I hope I never get too busy to stop and take in these times that are meant to be treasured.  I need to help my kids process their thoughts and emotions about all things, including the loss of three siblings.

Erik and I both hope that the life experiences that our children are having and the fact that we are choosing to face the good, bad and the ugly head on will help them in the long run.  I don't want them to be afraid of death.  I don't want them to be afraid to live each moment to the fullest either.  Rather, I want them to run this race that is set before them...keeping their eyes on Jesus...the author and perfecter of their faith.  May He give us all the strength that we need each moment of every day, whether we are feeling weak or we are feeling strong.  We need Him.

Fall Family Photos

Since we've had Squeaker, we haven't taken enough photos.  Life has been so busy, exhausting and good.  So, this past Saturday we had our family photos taken with my friend Heather.  (Heather is the one whose sweet little Briana was also born still and is buried next to our Solveig.  I feel like we're bonded for life and that is a special thing.)  On Heather's photography blog you can see a little glimpse of our family.

Click here to see the photos.  You have to scroll down a bit to see our family - we're the last family near the bottom of the page.

Squeaker is almost six months, Buzz is 5 and Bug is 7.  Me and Daddy are old.

Cheers. :)

Shoes To Grow Into...

Tonight I was going through some bins of kids shoes in an effort to see what we have, to give some away...and apparently to reminisce and daydream.  When I got to the little girl shoes for tiny little feet I had a moment of realizing that our sweet Solveig wouldn't be wearing those shoes here on this earth.  The shoes that her big sister Bug wore will instead go to some other little girls.  And that is a really good thing.  But it's also a hard thing for me today.  I lost it.  The tears started rolling down my cheeks and my sweet Erik came over to hold me.  He is a great comforter and I appreciate him so much.

I decided that I will probably keep a few pair of tiny shoes for the sentimental factor and they will go in Bug's bin of childhood treasures.  There are some things like those shoes and the tiny baby clothes that have been so hard to part with.  I still cannot get myself to go through the preemie, newborn and 0-3 month size girl clothes.  And I don't know that I will be able to for quite some time.  So I guess they'll just stay in our storage area for now, and that is okay.  I'm learning to just let that type of thing be okay because it just has to be for now.

Do you think we'll wear shoes in Heaven? I wonder what the weather will be like there.  I wonder if the ground will be such that people just won't need to wear shoes.  There are people like that anyway who don't wear shoes here in our country as well as in many other parts of the world.  But maybe it will just be that we don't need shoes, period.  I think that everything will be so perfect that we won't have to worry about stepping on sharp objects or tripping on sticks or stones or supporting our wimpy arches in our feet.

Her little feet are probably romping around the fields as she chases the cheetahs...how I long to run with her and tickle those little feet...