18 Months Later...

Today marks 18 months since Solveig was born silently into our world...into our lives forever.  There are a lot of months that go by that don't seem so significant, and I'll completely miss the 29th day.  But for whatever reason this month I have been thinking so much about her and thinking about how she would be a year and a half old.  Wow!  Last night it hit me really hard and I was so sad.  I've been noticing other little ones who are around that age, and I've enjoyed seeing them toddling around getting into mischief, playing heartily, smiling and laughing...all the things that our little one would be doing too.  It usually helps to see the other kids at the age she would be at.  I remember my friend Lea telling me that she will always notice children who are at the age her little Johnny would be at.  Johnny would be almost five and a half now...just a few months older than our little Buzz...he died when he was just four months old from heart problems.  I miss him too and think of him so often.  Hugs to you, Lea and Dave and family.

So much has happened in these last few years.  We lost three children to Heaven.  We gained one to our earthly family.  My brother died.  There has been a lot of grief and sadness.  And there has also been a lot of joy in the midst of the sadness.  After we lost Solveig, I wondered if I would ever be happy again.  I didn't think it would be possible to ever find joy again.  But I did.  I have.  Then my brother Joel died and I thought the same thing...will I ever be filled with joy again?  Why is there so much sadness in this earthly life we live?  Why do people I love keep dying?  Why does it have to hurt so much?  But God has given me new hope and new joy.  Our little Squeaker has been such a help during this season of hurt.  He has brought much joy.  He will never replace his big sister Solveig...he is his own person, and we are so glad that he is.  She will always hold a special place in our hearts.  We will always talk about her and remember her.  I think of her every day...sometimes with heaviness and sometimes with happiness.  But either way, I'm grateful for the place that she has in our family.  I'm so glad that we had her.  I wouldn't want to take her out of the picture, for she has shaped who I am today.  I'll never be the same.  Some of my innocence is gone, but there is a new awareness of life and its fragility.  There is a deeper sense of gratitude for the children who are here with us, for my husband, for every moment that we live and breathe.  These are all gifts from God.  I don't believe that I will ever take these gifts for granted.  I don't think I could.

Sweet Solveig, I hope you are getting into a healthy dose of mischief in Heaven today. :)  I hope that you are having a lot of fun playing with all the animals, spending time with family members and friends who love you, eating yummy food, singing songs and banging on instruments, hugging Jesus and enjoying the life that you have.  We sure do miss you here, and we can't wait to see you again.  I can't wait to hear you singing songs.  Thank you for changing our lives forever.  We're so grateful for you.

Love,
Mama

Missing Her...

We just got back from a lovely family escape to the North Shore of our North Star state.  It was so good to be away, becoming more rooted as a family of five on this earth.  The idea of the five of us is becoming more and more comfortable and right.  But there are still many days that the awareness of Solveig missing is apparent to me...and today is one of them.

In the midst of digging out my mess of an office space I came upon some more ultrasound photos from our sweet girl, dated 2/13/12...just 16 days before she was delivered still into our world.  I thought I had already placed all of the ultrasound photos in her scrapbook, but here were some more.  Her eyes were open, her face turned towards the camera, and I could see the cord near her neck, wrapped around it.  That darn cord.  Still some days I really struggle with that part, seeing the object that was supposed to give her life but ended up taking her life.  You might be saying to yourself, "but this loss happened a year and a half ago...how can she still struggle with that?"  True, it did happen that long ago.  But I will always miss my girl.  And the depth of grief and loss has not fully departed from me.  I don't think a person can just all the sudden stop grieving after a year, after two years, after however many years you want to put on it.  There just isn't a specific timeline for grief, nor should there be.  You must know that there are a lot of great days, even weeks and months where I don't feel really down over our loss.  But then it strikes like a bolt of lightning and catches me unaware.  And for a moment time seems to stop.  And I can't do anything for a bit...except to write.

She should be here too.

How my soul longs to reunite with our daughter, with our two other little babies that we never got to hold in our arms and with my brother Joel.  Heaven will be glorious.  I know it will be.  And I will look forward to being there.

For now, Lord help me and my grieving heart learn to live on this earth in the way you wish me to.  I need your help.  Amen.

Joel's Life and Legacy

Every time I have tried to sit down to write this post I have not been able to do it.  So today, I am going to try my hardest to get it done.

My brother Joel passed from this earth into Heaven for all eternity on Friday, May 31st, 2013 at the age of 41.  He had a long struggle with metastatic colon cancer and finally has relief and healing from his pain and suffering.  It was hard to see him suffer for such a time and to such a degree.  And yet, every time I spoke with him or saw him in person he seemed to handle his suffering with much grace.  He was usually more concerned with me and how I was doing than he was with himself.  And that is just the kind of guy he was - one to look out for others.  He exemplified love and compassion to all kinds of people and animals his whole life, and everyone who ever met him loved him.  Joel was a loving son, brother, husband, father and friend.  He is greatly missed here, even though we know that he is celebrating new life in Heaven.

In his last days and months, Joel was telling everyone he knew where his hope was.  He was telling them all about how he was reading 1 Corinthians 15 in the Bible and that his hope was in Heaven and the resurrection of Christ.  Oh to be so bold as he was...I am inspired and also encouraged.  When we lost our little Solveig, Joel was deeply saddened.  He couldn't understand why such a thing would happen to us.  And he wanted so much for us to be able to have another baby.  Joel was so excited when our little Squeaker was born this April.  We had prayed that God would allow Squeaker to be born perhaps just a little bit early so that he could meet his Uncle Joel before he died.  God answered our prayers.  11 days after Squeaker was born, Erik and I drove down with our little guy to see Joel and his family.  We had a really special visit...

There are more things I'd like to say about Joel and I hope to do so very soon.  Thank you to everyone for praying for all of us as we're grieving the loss of my brother.  Please be praying for Joel's wife and their three children.  The kids are here in these pictures.  We love them all very much and their loss hurts our hearts more than our own.

Celebrating New Life!

Much has happened in the last two months since I posted on this blog...the most important being that we delivered our precious little miracle boy into this world on April 12, 2013 at 10:13 PM via what I've been terming my "sort of emergency c-section."  Our new boy weighed 6 lbs, 2 oz and was 20.5 in. long!  His nickname which I will use on this blog and that we call him a lot in real life is "Squeaker!"  He squeaks all the time and it's pretty sweet.

Introducing Squeaker...

Mommy, Daddy & Squeaker :)

Dr. L, me & Squeaker and Dr. F

(Note - sorry this post is kind of long!  I just had to write out the details of our little man's birth story!)

In mid-March I had some preterm labor at 33 weeks and 6 days and was hospitalized for one night while I took medication to stop the labor.  It was such an interesting time of wondering if we'd have a tiny little preemie, hoping that he'd be alive and okay and also soul searching.  While I was laying in that bed really medicated, I had so much time to think.  I really had a lot of peace and knew that God was very much with me and my little boy.  Thankfully even though a test showed that I might have this baby very soon, I didn't and I was able to go home and continue the waiting game.

Truly I was almost shocked that I made it to 37 weeks and 3 days!  That was the day he came into our world...

It started like any other of my sort of normal days where I got my Bug onto the school bus, dropped my Buzz at preschool and then headed off to the coffee shop to get something tasty to drink.  Only on this day, I had brought along with me some reading materials and some things that I wanted to study.  The night before I had been chatting with a dear friend who lost two baby girls.  She was encouraging me to memorize some key Bi_ble verses that could stick with me during these days of waiting and during my upcoming labor...verses that I could rely on to come to the forefront of my mind...verses that could dispel the fear and anxiety which had been overwhelming me on most days.  Little did that precious friend and I know just how perfect the timing was for that bit of encouragement.  While I was at the coffee shop, I ran into a friend from college who said that he would be praying for me.  And then I went to sit down to drink my yummy beverage and pulled out some verse cards that I had saved from a Bi_ble study that I did a few years ago.  I had started going over the verses the night before, but right there in the coffee shop I poured over them several times just soaking in the truth therein and hoping that I could remember some of it...

At my dr. appt. that morning, the ultra_sound technician apparently noticed the umbil_ical cord around Baby's neck but at that time I guess it was okay.  She didn't tell me about the cord because she knew my history and knew that I would freak out.  But she did tell my dr. who was then very aware.  Then I had my regular N_S_T (non-st_ress test) during which I noticed the way the heart rate was very erratic and decelerating in ways that were concerning to me, the untrained yet all too aware mama bear who has now seen a whole lot of those test tracings.  My dr. came to me and said that I should go into the hospital for some extra monitoring that afternoon - that she wasn't worried and didn't want me to worry but she just wanted me to have some extra reassurance.  I gladly went into the hospital for this extra monitoring, and things were looking fine for awhile.  I even texted one of my friends who works at the hospital to say that I'd love for her to come over for a visit if she had time, and she came - thanks A.H.!  It was great to have you there with me.

Right after A came, I had a really strong contraction and Baby's heart rate decelerated rapidly into dangerous territory for two minutes.  I don't even know how low it went...they never told me and they turned the monitor down and away from me so I couldn't see.  Several nurses rushed into the room and shortly thereafter my Dr. came.  I was in a ton of pain with the contraction and could hardly breathe because I was so worried that I would lose my baby.  They quickly got me some oxygen which helped immediately to calm me down...as well as the reminder that I had to breathe.  It felt like a repeat of what happened with Solveig - I really thought we were losing this precious boy and I could hardly handle the thought of that.  I was paralyzed with fear in that moment.  But then God's peace washed over me and I knew that no matter what I had to trust Him.

Thankfully, things stabilized.  But my Dr. came to me and said that I would not be going home that night - that indeed we would figure out a plan and I would be delivered.  I was so glad to know that something was finally going to happen.  A little while later, my two favorite Dr.'s that I've seen during this pregnancy came in to talk to us - Dr. A & Dr. L.  They said that I had two options - I could go ahead with a regular delivery if I wanted to and they would very closely monitor me.  If things got out of control, I could always have an emergency c-section...but they acknowledged that it might make me too anxious, and they said that they were worried that Baby wouldn't be able to tolerate the contractions since they knew that there was cord around his neck.  It was also revealed to me at this time that indeed the tracing I saw in the clinic earlier that day had been what they call a "cordy tracing," and they could very easily see that the cord was in the way and being compromised.  They said that I could do a planned c-section and then I wouldn't have to worry if my baby could tolerate the contractions or worry that the cord would get worse - they could just take him out in a matter of a couple of minutes.  Erik and I had some time to think about it and pray about it.  It didn't take much to know and realize that we had to do the c-section - we just couldn't risk losing our precious son.  We wanted him out safe and sound.  (I want to write more about the c-section and the aftermath in another post.)

Everything felt so quick, even though we had some time to wait and process things.  It took a few hours from the time the dr. told us that we'd have the surgery until it happened.  But prior to the surgery, my sweet Dr. L who is a Chri_stian came into our room where she laid hands on us and prayed over us.  Tears of hope and peace washed over me, and I just knew that God was with us and would go with us into that operating room and beyond.  Thank you so much, Dr. L.  You have been a most amazing blessing to me and I'll always be grateful for you.

When it came time to go into the operating room, I had to walk down there alone without Erik and just with my nurse M.  Thanks M - you were just the person I needed that day - you calmed me down and also made me laugh.  When we got into the room, I had to sit on the end of the table and curl into a little ball as best I could for my spinal block procedure to begin.  I was petrified and began to cry.  M comforted me.  I was then asked to lay down on the table and put my arms out "like Jesus on the cross - just put your arms out and lay there and do nothing."  I don't know where this came from, but in that moment I ended up having the wherewithal to respond with "well actually, Jesus did a whole lot on the cross because He died for our sins."  Nothing was said after that, and well, I doubt that person who said that will ever say it again!  It was such an interesting moment, and I'm glad that I could share my faith in that way.

I laid down on that table and while I couldn't feel anything from the chest down, I all the sudden had such an amazing sense of peace and the presence of God.  I couldn't go anywhere - I was totally at the mercy of my medical team and the Lord's covering over me.  It's such a vulnerable thing to be in a surgery such as that.  My verses that I had memorized came to me and I was thinking over and over, "the spirit of the sovereign Lord is upon me," and "do not fear, for the Lord your God is with you!"  (Thank you dear friend who encouraged me to memorize scriptures...that was such a wonderful blessing!)

Erik came in after I was all medicated, covered in his gown and mask.  The big surgical sheet covering my lower half was there and he was on the side with me and my head.  It didn't take long and they told me that they were taking Baby out.  Right after he came out and they sucked the goop out of his mouth, I could hear him scream and immediately I felt such great relief and joy!  I kept saying over and over, "he's alive!  he's alive!  I can't believe he's alive!"  I really didn't know how I would respond in that moment, but it was incredible and truly one of the most amazing and joyous moments of my life.  After just a short bit, my little guy was in my arms.  Erik and I sang lullabies and hymns to him while my dr.'s were sewing me up.  It was so amazing too because Dr. L was there doing the surgery as well as Dr. F who had helped with Solveig's delivery last year.  Both later told me that they had never had anyone sing during a c-section and they didn't want it to stop!  It was so sweet of them. :)  I felt like I could barely phonate at all as I was singing through my tears...but it felt so good to sing to my new little love. Erik even got to watch some of my post delivery surgery while the dr.'s were sewing me back up.   I assured them that he was trained as an EMT so he would be fine and they said it was okay.  He was so fascinated with it all and loved watching the surgery.

So that is the story of how our little man came into the world.  We are so incredibly grateful for his life and treasure him so deeply.  More tales of his life and his big brother and sister will come...

Her Room

It finally happened today.  We were able to go to our hospital and spend time in the room where we delivered Solveig one year ago.  Over the last few days, I called several times to see if and when the room might be available.  Each time I called it was occupied, which I totally understand.  However, this morning when I called it was open.  We quickly got ourselves ready to go to the hospital before the room would be occupied once again.  Thankfully, the nurse that I was working with said that she could save it for me for awhile this morning which was incredibly sweet of her.

Before we left, I made a new batch of frosting for some cupcakes that we baked the other day.  I really wanted to bring the staff a treat in honor of Solveig's birthday.  They weren't fancy looking, but goodness, they sure tasted great.  One of these days I'll figure out how to make cupcakes look more fancy.

The kids were in good hands with my parents who had agreed to care for them while we went to the hospital.  When we arrived, we walked in with cupcakes in hand as well as a card to thank our wonderful staff, a program from Solveig's funeral and the photo card that we sent out around the holidays.  Sweet Vicki, our nurse that helped arrange this time in the room brought us to the room and let us have some time to ourselves.

For the next hour, Erik and I spent time looking at all of our photos from our short time with Solveig, listened to the music that we listened to during her delivery and afterwards, talked, cried and prayed together.  It was such a healing time for us and I'm so grateful that we chose to do this.  Erik said to me at one point, "it is so sad to think of this life that could've been."  I agree sweet man, and I'm so glad that you could verbalize that point.  It is incredibly hard and yet somewhat sweet to imagine what our little love may have been up to one year later.  Maybe she would have been getting into everything, crawling all over the place, pulling herself up on furniture, eating hunks of solid foods, giggling and talking, perhaps walking or preparing to walk.  But I think what my dear husband was more referring to was not just these baby moments.  I think he was instead probably referring to all of the phases of life which she is missing here on earth...the phases that we are missing with her as a family.  We aren't watching her grow up as we are our other children.  And often times when I see them doing different activities, I imagine little Solveig along with them and what it would've been like to have her along with us.  We don't get to see Solveig play the piano, sing in the children's choir, dance in a ballet, play soccer, create art masterpieces, run around the yard with the dog, ride a bike, learn things in school and so much more.  It's hard to imagine those things.

But I imagine also that she is watching us from the greatest castle in Heaven.  She is playing on Heaven's playground with different children and all kinds of animals.  She must be singing in the choir and playing instruments.  Or maybe she would have been tone deaf...who knows! :)  But whatever the case, even though we're missing out on these earthly moments with our baby girl, this life is such a blip on the radar of eternity.  When we are in Heaven forever, we will probably look back on this life here and wonder why we were so worried about so many things.  We will probably be so enamored with the splendor of God and His glory.  And our reunions with our loved ones will be so precious.  I can hardly wait.

We will see you again Solveig.  There will be no more what could've beens.  There will only be what is.  And that will be magnificent.  Until then, may you rest peacefully tonight and always in Heaven.

(I posted this picture before...but it is one that I found last year and still need to put up somewhere in our house.  To me, this is Solveig's castle in the clouds.  It reminds me of her in Heaven. :))

Solveig's Birthday - One Year Later

Since Solveig Sofia was born on February 29th, the day that doesn't exist except for every four years, we decided that we would honor her life on the 28th unless it is a leap year.  Today was that day. It is hard to believe that it has already been one year since our precious angel was born into Heaven.  Some of the days we have endured in this year have seemed so long.  There were days I just wanted to crawl into a hole and not come out for a very long time.  And other days, particularly as we moved further into the year, I was truly able to find enjoyment and peace.  Overall there has been a sense of peace.  I really have felt God's presence with me and with us even in those darkest moments.  That is something that I am so grateful for, and something of which I never desire to let go.

So today, the big one year anniversary of our baby's birth and death, we decided to do some really special things together as a family.  Our hope was originally that Erik and I would be able to go to the hospital to the room where we delivered Solveig.  There is a need for me especially to make peace with that sacred space, listen to music that we heard during the delivery and afterwards, and just reminisce about our daughter in the place where we first met her...and where we spent the most time with her.  Unfortunately for us, the room that we used has been occupied today.  So we will hope to go there sometime in the next week if it works out.

Since our hospital date didn't work out, we slightly altered some of our plans.  We took the kids to our wonderful museum for young ones where we made homemade paper, worked on an assembly line, delivered mail, and swung through the jungle and went to the moon with the cartoon characters who speak Sp_anish.  It really was fun to do something joyful that Solveig would've also enjoyed if she had been with us.  After playing hard for a few hours, we made our way to an As_ian restaurant for stir fried goodness.  Then it was onto the grocery store to get some pink roses, or in this case today pink tipped white roses as that was all they had.  And we picked up six pink balloons from the party store.

We made our way to the cemetery in the country where the snow was covering the ground in a white blanket, just as it was almost a year ago when we first buried our little girl.  I noticed as we drove up that there was already a freshly laid flower at the grave and I was so curious about it.  With roses in tow, we walked to the grave where we found that beautiful pink rose and a note from my sweet friend Natalie and her family.  What a blessing to have friends and family who have been there for us through this journey and who have been remembering us with calls, flowers, cards, emails, etc.  We are so grateful.  Thank you dear Natalie.  And thank you to the many others who have shown us your love.

We took turns laying our roses at the grave.  For some reason, the kids decided it would be cool to place each of their flowers on top of the headstone rather than by the ground.  Then we got out our six light pink balloons, just like the ones we had last year when we buried Solveig.  (Six balloons were for the four kids, including this little one inside of me, and us two parents.  I didn't intentionally leave out our two miscarried babies - and now that I think of it, I wish I had gotten two more balloons.) We decided to release the balloons together as a group, but didn't think about the fact that the ribbons were sort of stuck together.  What ensued brought great laughter as our balloons flew up in the wind and got lodged into a nearby tree where one quickly popped.  We decided that the one that popped must have been Solveig's balloon, and that maybe she was kind of laughing at us!  Erik said that she might have been thinking, "hey guys, I beat you!  I got here first!"  Shortly after that balloon popped, one of the remaining five balloons let loose and flew into the sky.  That made me think of her spirit flying to Heaven.  We reminded the kids that the reason we did the balloon release and visited the cemetery was so that they could remember that our bodies are not meant for this earth, and that we will all die someday and we do not need to fear death.  We told them again that we have hope in the resurrection of Jesus - hope in Heaven where we can also look forward to being reunited with Solveig and our two miscarried babies.

After Erik and I hugged and we were chilled enough from the brisk air, we left the cemetery and headed with Bailey dog to the dog park.  It was fun to take a loop around the park with the kids and to see Bailey enjoying herself with the small pack that was there.  We promised the kids that there was something "chaud" for them after the dog park.  They didn't know that word in Fre_nch yet, but kept trying to figure it out.  Once we got home, we made some hot cocoa (our something chaud - "hot") and warmed up a bit.

After a rest, I made some almond buttercream frosting for the vanilla cake I baked yesterday and set out decorating the cake.  I just wanted it to be simple and had bought some raspberries to place around it.  I found some candy decors that I could use to write Solveig's name and placed one little pink candle on top.  We decorated the table with a simple pink tablecloth and some girly butterfly plates and napkins.  And then the feast began...hot dogs, baked beans and salad.  We just wanted to have something simple, and the beans and hot dogs we felt would've been enjoyed by a one year old.

When it was time to sing and have cake, I was videotaping and could barely choke out half of the words for the birthday song.  It struck me again that the baby we were singing to was not physically with us.  But you know what else struck me today?  Her birthday in Heaven must be much greater than any birthday could ever be here on earth.  I can hardly wait to join her there to celebrate more birthdays.

For now, we will continue to honor our daughter and celebrate her short yet valuable life here on this earth.

Solveig Sofia, I love you sweet girl.  Your mama misses you so much.  I wish I could hug and kiss you and feed you your birthday cake...and sing songs to you and rock you and lay you down in your crib to sleep.  We will never forget you.  Your life mattered and always will.

Unexpected Blessing

Tonight I attended my support group at the hospital.  This has been such a key part of my healing in the past year - going to support group and being encouraged because I'm walking this journey with other parents who are also going through similar things.  Our support group leader/facilitator Annette is so dear to me and has become a lifeline and friend over the year.  I'm grateful for her help.

After group tonight, I asked Annette if she would go with me to the labor and delivery unit so that I could double check where we delivered Solveig.  Sometime around her birthday, Erik and I plan to go to the room to remember her and our experience there.  It is so important to me to make peace with that space before I deliver another baby in that hospital sometime in the next few months.  Annette willingly went with me to the unit and explained who I was to the nurses on duty.  Right away, the nurse that we were speaking with said, "Oh, I remember you!  Wasn't your baby born on the 29th of February last year?"  "Yes," I said, "that was her."  The nurse Lori said, "I was the charge nurse that night and I remember you and your family.  Your story was so unique.  The nurses talked about you for a long time after that.  I saw your baby's obituary in the newspaper and I really appreciated that you wanted people to designate their memorial funds to Now I L_ay Me Do_wn To Sl_eep."  Annette told Lori, "Melody is making the boxes for the hospital now."  And Lori said, "Oh that's you?  Those boxes are amazing!  In fact, one woman who had a loss here and received one of those boxes was able to share about it with her friend who lives in W_is_cons_in and didn't get anything at the hospital she delivered at when she lost her baby.  She took photos of your box and gave them to her friend who is now is now making boxes like yours for her hospital!"  "Wow, that is just awesome!  I'm so glad to know that is happening," I exclaimed.  I was blown away by this response, and immensely touched that someone would remember and acknowledge us, our loss and our baby girl.  I was also so thrilled to know that because of the box project which started years ago in honor of a little girl named Olivia who was stillborn, that people are continuing to be blessed by the boxes which are now being made in honor of my Solveig.  Tears came to my eyes, and Lori said, "I didn't mean to make you cry."  I said, "no, it's okay!  It means so much to me that you remember."  Just down the row at the desk another nurse said, "I remember you too.  I was there."  I looked at her and totally recognized her!  "You're the one who took pictures, right?  I remember you too," I said.  "Thank you so much for taking pictures."

Shortly thereafter, we made our way down the hall and confirmed our room.  There it was, empty at the moment, and I recognized it right away.  It didn't feel weird to me to see it.  This was the third time that I had set foot in that labor and delivery unit since our delivery last February.  And each time I've been there it has felt a little bit better.  I'm hoping that on the day we plan to go in to honor Solveig's life that it will be open and ready for us to spend some time in it.  That place is sacred for us.  Angels were there with us.  The care we received in that hospital was amazing.  And I'm incredibly grateful for the people who are working there.  Going back there and having a live baby, Lord willing, will be such a redemptive experience.

God chose today to remind me of His presence.  He showed me again how much He loves me, and that our baby girl's life was not in vain.  He showed me that her legacy lives on, and that what was such a tragic situation for us has now gone on to produce good in our lives as well as the lives of others.  We are blessed to be part of Solveig's legacy.  And I can hardly wait to see what God continues to do because of that little girl's life.

Thank you Lord for letting us have Solveig for such a brief time.  May we choose to continue seeing the good that has come out of her life.  And may you continue to be glorified.

Soli deo gloria!