Come and Gone

The due date came and it quickly went yesterday. It was a rather peaceful day that we were able to spend together as a family. Bug ended up having a fever Easter night, so we weren't able to send her to school due to the 24 hour fever rule. She woke up feeling well on Monday. I think that perhaps she is just getting ready to lose her first tooth, as she has been complaining of sore teeth lately. Here I thought she had just eaten a little too much candy from her Easter basket!

With the Bug and Buzz we decided to venture out to do something fun, as we felt like Solveig would have wanted us to be celebrating. Our attempts at visiting a few special museums downtown were not fulfilled as both museums were indeed closed. Bummer! Alas, we thought we should go and walk around the beautiful cathedral in the city. It was so pretty in there, but not as quiet as Buzz would have liked. There were some construction workers trying to fancy it up a bit and their jackhammers were quite noisy. I lit a candle for our little Solveig while we were there, just because. It was so tiny and sweet, like her.

In an effort to find some pretty flowers, trees or shrubs to plant in honor of our baby this year, we went to a nearby greenhouse and enjoyed walking around and meeting "Baby" the beautiful parrot who greeted us with repeated cries of "hello" and "hi!" Bug was so entertained by that cute bird. A few of the options for plants/flowers that really seemed to jump out at me in their beauty and potential were the Bleeding Heart and the Azaleas (?). I know that second one has another name which I am briefly forgetting as I type...but I love the vibrant shades of both plants. And isn't the name of the first one so befitting? I sure think so. It was great to get some ideas. Now we have to figure out what we want, and wait for the frozen tundra to stop freezing before we can plant.

The restaurant where kids get to wear crowns beckoned us next for lunch and playtime in the tubes that I like to refer to as a virtual cesspool of germs. But the kids think that the cesspool is amazing and they love to go there occasionally. After our greasy spoon lunch and playtime, we headed to the grocery store to pick up some roses and headed on our way to the cemetery. It was a windy yet sunny day, and although it was a bit cool, at least it was MUCH warmer than the day when we buried our daughter in early March with snow covering the ground. Having the kids with us was so special. Solveig's grave is still fresh with dirt as the grass seed has yet to be planted. Erik pounded our little easel stake into the ground and on it we hung a cute heart shaped wreath that I found pre-made at the craft store. Remember, I'm what I like to refer to as "craft challenged," so for me to find something that was cute that I didn't have to make myself was just perfect! Now there is something adorning our daughter's grave site and I'm so glad that it is there. We laid our roses on the ground next to the wreath. And we talked about our little friend B who is laid to rest next to Solveig. She was also born still, almost five years ago. Bug said, "I bet Solveig and B are playing in Heaven together right now! They're probably having so much fun!" I love the insight of children. And I'm so glad that my little girl thinks of Heaven so positively! That she can imagine it with joy in her little heart. That is beautiful to me.

Up to this point in the day I had been doing fine emotionally and really wasn't upset. However, as we drove away from the cemetery it really hit me that she was missing. Solveig wasn't with us in the physical sense. It hit me that she would have been riding with us in the car...that we would have been taking her places and that people would be holding her and passing her around...that she would be experiencing life with us and us with her. And now she is absent in body. But I so believe that we always feel a bit of her presence with us on earth, even though her spirit is with the Lord in Heaven.

The tears continue to come occasionally, but I am not crying constantly. I am not in despair. I wonder if I ever will be in full despair over this loss...other than how I felt at the initial loss. So much hope has risen up in me, and so much peace over all. A peace that passes all understanding. A peace that can only come from the Lord. I miss my little girl. I'd love to have her back. But I will go on. Life must go on. And I will continue to grieve her loss, perhaps the rest of my life. But joy will return. The journey continues...

Due Date...

Tomorrow is Solveig's due date. A few weeks back I didn't realize just how hard this approaching date would be for me. Bug and Buzz didn't come on or near their due dates, but rather a few weeks prior...so I've never had a baby who made it all the way to the due date. But just the fact that it still exists in my mind and on the paper in my calendar is enough for me now be challenged by the fact that it is there.

When we figured out that Solveig was due the day after Easter, it seemed like no small coincidence that God had chosen to show us a bit of life through her little life, so close to the celebration of Jesus' death and resurrection. For you see, we had already experienced death two times with our little miscarried babies...who will be receiving names VERY soon...because now I cannot stop thinking about them. We felt like He was showing us new life through Solveig, and reminding us of the new life we gain through Christ when we accept that He is our Savior and Lord and has cleansed us of sin through His death on the cross...a death that was well documented in history.

Some may think that because Solveig died there would be no way that we could continue to believe in His life and resurrection. That perhaps we would choose to deny that such a thing could've happened, because now our precious baby has died and it not with us...and that is not right, in our earthly mind and perspective. It just isn't. We miss her terribly. There is a definite gap in our family. But He is still who He says He is. He still died on the cross for my sins. And He still showed us new life through our daughter. She lived in me!!! She was FULLY alive in me from the moment she was conceived! I saw her on the ultrasound monitor from her early gestational age of 8 weeks, again at 18 weeks, and again MANY other times after that up until the week she passed in my womb at 33.5 weeks gestation. She had LIFE in me! And I thank God for the life that she did have. I thank Him that I could experience her moving in me. I thank Him for blessing me with that incredible gift. Having Solveig living in me was such a reminder to me of the Lord's love for me...that He would allow this little one to be in there, even for a few short months. May I NEVER forget that blessing, even in the pain of my loss.

So tomorrow, as we think of Solveig and remember her on the day in which she should've been here with us or close to being here with us, I need to remember that she WAS with us...and that she WILL be with us again in Heaven one day. Tonight as I walked the dog under the starry, clear sky, I felt like God was showing me a tiny glimpse of my daughter in the stars. I felt like maybe, just maybe she is looking down from Heaven seeing us here on this Earth. And that brought comfort. And as I continued to peer at the night sky, I noticed a string of three tiny stars in a straight line. I'm sure they were part of some particular constellation, but not being very knowledgeable in astr_onomy I don't know which one it might have been. But for me, in that moment, I felt like it was a special reminder of my THREE little ones who are in Heaven. The other two babies who were miscarried so early in their pregnancies also carried weight in this world. I won't forget them either.

Thank you Lord for reminding me of your presence today. And thank you for the resurrection in which I place my hope and trust. That is how I get through each day.

He is risen. He is risen indeed. Hallelujah!

Vision

How I long to be near Him right now. My heart does not want to be stationed here on Earth, but rather in Heaven with the King of Kings and my Solveig. For on the Earth we feel too deeply the pain of our sorrow. But when we are with Him in Heaven, we will no longer feel that pain. We will no longer have tears and anger and frustration...but rather we will be filled with complete joy and be in awe of the savior of the world.

Today I'm having a hard time feeling Him holding me close. There are many days that I do feel that but today is not one of them, at least not yet. Lord Jesus, please come close. Please help me to draw near to you so that you will draw near to me. I know you are there, but it is hard to feel you in this moment. This is precisely the moment when I need to have faith that you are who you say you are...that you do not and will not leave or forsake me. In that promise I must trust.

My Auntie Dar shared something quite amazing with me yesterday that I've been clinging to ever since. We were with the kids shopping at one of our favorite craft stores and all the sudden Auntie Dar said, "last night we were at the Maundy Thursday service at church. Solveig was there. She was there. I looked up and saw her next to the cross." Warm, salty tears came to my eyes as I barely choked out, "really?" Auntie said, "Yes, she was next to the cross, with Jesus." Oh my goodness...that is just an awesome vision that my Auntie had! How I would love to have one of those visions or dreams of my daughter. Perhaps one day I will. I've been asking the Lord to show Himself to me in that kind of way. But for now, I will take heart in knowing that He showed himself profoundly to my Auntie. That is the blessing that I must remember today.

Thank you Lord for the cross of glory which gives us great hope, even when we don't feel it. And thank you for your promise to draw near to us...

James 4:8 NIV says, "Come near to God and he will come near to you."

Some Joy

The last few days have found me with more joy than sadness. What a refreshing change. It's too dark walking around through the tunnel of death and depression. Granted, it's normal, perfectly normal for what I'm going through as a grieving mom. But it is not a place I wish to dwell the rest of my life. And for that, I'm grateful. Part of me wonders if I should feel guilty for experiencing joy and happiness right now. But then I really don't think I should. That guilt is not warranted, and it is most certainly NOT from the Lord.

I can honestly say that I've felt some moments of happiness in the last couple of days. The Lord has blessed me with some precious friends who have been incredibly uplifting. One sweet friend Becky slipped a note in my purse at church the other day, telling me that she's praying for me, and also that she thought of a specific verse for me. Thank you sweet Becky. Another friend Aleeta brought me some coffee and a scone the other day when she delivered a meal. That totally made my day. Thank you Aleeta. Four of my friends from MOPS came to help clean our house the other night - so awesome. Thank you Alisha, Heidi, Lexi and Peggy. You lifted my spirit and our house looks so much better thanks to you. Yesterday, my friend Heidi shared her story of losing her son who was born still seventeen years ago. It brought me comfort talking with another mommy who has been down a very similar road. Thank you Heidi. And my "natural girls" friends and I went out last night for dinner and we laughed so hard and shared good conversation. Thank you Christin, Jackie, Joy and Liz. Today I talked on the phone with my sweet friend Amy. She's like an older sister and advisor to me, and I so appreciate her counsel and encouragement.

There are so many others who have blessed me lately...the above are just a sampling. I'm immensely blessed with these friends. Thank you Lord for showering me with your love through the gift of friendship.

If you're going through a deep, dark valley right now, I encourage you to seek out the encouragement and love of friends during your trial. Don't be afraid to ask them to pray for you, or to sit with you while you share your story...don't be afraid to accept the help which they may offer you through meals, child care, cleaning, etc...they want to bless you and by accepting their help, you are allowing them to serve you as they desire to do.

You will be encouraged if you allow others to encourage you. But you must allow them in...

2 Corinthians 13:11 - "Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you."

May the Lord bless you and your family this Good Friday. Because of Christ's death on the cross, we have victory from death and sin. We have victory and we can have eternity with Him if we so choose.

What is Unseen

Sunlight in our surroundings...this is healing for the soul. We are grateful for the beautiful weather today, and trying to soak it up before the air turns muggy. Spring blooms are beginning to encroach on the land and they remind me of new life. Thank you Lord, for these gifts from you.

In the midst of the beauty are reminders of the little one who is no longer in our immediate midst but is instead watching us from Heaven above. My heart ached for her this morning when we were at the grocery store. Our sweet cashier told me how adorable my little Buzz is and how beautiful his eyes are. She was so taken with him, and I am too. He really is such a cute kid, and my big Bug is too. We are so blessed to have them. Then the sweet cashier said, "he is so adorable and you really should have more kids!" Silence on my end. There were no words with which to respond in that exact moment. I had no idea what to say and just gave a tiny and perhaps fake smile in response. Oh sweet cashier, if only you knew my present pain...a pain which I did not need to divulge to you at that time. You were only speaking innocently and genuinely, and I so appreciated your thoughtfulness towards me and my beautiful son. If only you knew dear one that my little man just lost his baby sister five weeks ago today...that my baby was taken from my womb and her spirit soared into Heaven several days prior to her birth. That she is with Jesus in His glory for all eternity...a mystery and a gift all at the same time...but one that I would not necessarily wish upon any other mama on this planet...for the earthly pain which we mamas who have lost is so intense. Yet that pain is such a refining fire for the spirit. Who chooses to be thrown into the fire? No one would choose such a path. But alas, here I am. And the Lord is showing me His goodness here. I mean that, in all sincerity. There is a deep pain - incredibly deep. I would love to have my little Solveig in my arms right now. She should be there, really. I ache for her every day, throughout the day, all day long. But He cares for her better than I could ever do here on Earth. He knows my pain. But He holds her. And He holds me here.

Not sure if I posted this scripture recently, but it really reaches me in the depths of my soul right now.

"Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 -

Thank you Lord, for the truth which you convey to us through your Holy Word. Thank you that we have truth and eternal hope upon which to fix our gaze.

Our awesome photographer...

I wrote about her before, but now I get to write about her again...Jen Kelly, our photographer extraordinare who represents the very special organization with the acronym NILMDTS wrote a very special post about our family on her blog. Click here to see it. Her work is phenomenal and we are forever grateful. I'm going to write more about it very soon, and will post more pictures from our special time with her in the hospital. Stay tuned...

Born In Me

Just before Christmas, I downloaded a really great album onto my iT_unes and enjoyed listening to it. Little did I know just how much a few of the songs would come to mean to me less than two months later when Solveig was born still into our world. One of the songs that I have been playing over and over and feel that I can relate to on some level is "Be Born in Me," sung by Fran_cesca Batt_istelli. It is the song of Mary as she prepares to birth Jesus, but some of it feels like my song too. She is wondering why God chose her to carry the son of God and yet she fully embraces it. There have been moments when I wondered why God would allow me to carry a baby who wouldn't see the light of day...but then I realize that I was immensely blessed to hold her inside of me...and to hold her adorable, limp body for awhile outside of me. Carrying Solveig was a calling on my life that I did not realize I would have, but am so grateful to have had. It has forever changed who I am and who I hope to be. And like Mary who will one day be held by Jesus when they reunite in Heaven, I know that just as I held Solveig here at the beginning and end of her life, she will hold me in Heaven one day. Isn't that beautiful to consider? I sure think so. And that hope in Heaven is what is getting me through every day here on this Earth filled with good and evil. I know that this life here is just a mere blip on the radar of what God has planned for all eternity. And I praise Him for that. I know that there is something MUCH better ahead in Heaven...no more pain, no more tears. I cling to that. And I hope for you that you can find hope in Him too. Hope in the resurrection of Jesus.

Enjoy this text. May He be born in you and in me. And if you haven't heard the song, I encourage you to find it and soak it in...here's a link to the song set to a music video...

Be Born In Me

Everything inside me cries for order
Everything inside me wants to hide
Is this shadow an angel or a warrior?
If God is pleased with me, why I am I so terrified?
Someone tell me I am only dreaming
Somehow help me see with Heaven’s eyes
And before my head agrees, my heart is on its knees
Holy is He. Blessed am I.

Be born in me, be born in me
Trembling heart, somehow I believe that You chose me
I’ll hold you in the beginning, You will hold me in the end
Every moment in the middle, make my heart your Bethlehem
Be born in me

All this time we’ve waited for the promise
All this time You’ve waited for my arms
Did You wrap yourself inside the unexpected
So we might know that Love would go that far?

Be born in me, be born in me
Trembling heart, somehow I believe that You chose me
I’ll hold you in the beginning, You will hold me in the end
Every moment in the middle, make my heart your Bethlehem
Be born in me

I am not brave
I’ll never be
The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy
I’m just a girl
Nothing more
But I am willing, I am Yours

Be born in me, be born in me
I’ll hold you in the beginning, You will hold me in the end
Every moment in the middle, make my heart your Bethlehem
Be born in me