Born In Me

Just before Christmas, I downloaded a really great album onto my iT_unes and enjoyed listening to it. Little did I know just how much a few of the songs would come to mean to me less than two months later when Solveig was born still into our world. One of the songs that I have been playing over and over and feel that I can relate to on some level is "Be Born in Me," sung by Fran_cesca Batt_istelli. It is the song of Mary as she prepares to birth Jesus, but some of it feels like my song too. She is wondering why God chose her to carry the son of God and yet she fully embraces it. There have been moments when I wondered why God would allow me to carry a baby who wouldn't see the light of day...but then I realize that I was immensely blessed to hold her inside of me...and to hold her adorable, limp body for awhile outside of me. Carrying Solveig was a calling on my life that I did not realize I would have, but am so grateful to have had. It has forever changed who I am and who I hope to be. And like Mary who will one day be held by Jesus when they reunite in Heaven, I know that just as I held Solveig here at the beginning and end of her life, she will hold me in Heaven one day. Isn't that beautiful to consider? I sure think so. And that hope in Heaven is what is getting me through every day here on this Earth filled with good and evil. I know that this life here is just a mere blip on the radar of what God has planned for all eternity. And I praise Him for that. I know that there is something MUCH better ahead in Heaven...no more pain, no more tears. I cling to that. And I hope for you that you can find hope in Him too. Hope in the resurrection of Jesus.

Enjoy this text. May He be born in you and in me. And if you haven't heard the song, I encourage you to find it and soak it in...here's a link to the song set to a music video...

Be Born In Me

Everything inside me cries for order
Everything inside me wants to hide
Is this shadow an angel or a warrior?
If God is pleased with me, why I am I so terrified?
Someone tell me I am only dreaming
Somehow help me see with Heaven’s eyes
And before my head agrees, my heart is on its knees
Holy is He. Blessed am I.

Be born in me, be born in me
Trembling heart, somehow I believe that You chose me
I’ll hold you in the beginning, You will hold me in the end
Every moment in the middle, make my heart your Bethlehem
Be born in me

All this time we’ve waited for the promise
All this time You’ve waited for my arms
Did You wrap yourself inside the unexpected
So we might know that Love would go that far?

Be born in me, be born in me
Trembling heart, somehow I believe that You chose me
I’ll hold you in the beginning, You will hold me in the end
Every moment in the middle, make my heart your Bethlehem
Be born in me

I am not brave
I’ll never be
The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy
I’m just a girl
Nothing more
But I am willing, I am Yours

Be born in me, be born in me
I’ll hold you in the beginning, You will hold me in the end
Every moment in the middle, make my heart your Bethlehem
Be born in me

A New Day

Yesterday I was feeling incredibly sad and wasn't able to see much in a positive manner. Today, I woke up with a different outlook and I'm so grateful for that. I've been enjoying my kids today. Going to the bakery for treats and warm yummy drinks for me and my Buzz doesn't hurt either...that could certainly brighten anyone's mood, right? :) But in all seriousness, the waves of grief which I've heard about are upon the shores of our home. And today's wave is very small in comparison to the squall which seemed to cover the home and our hearts yesterday. Thank you Lord for the currently small wave of the day. I really appreciate a reprieve from the intensity of the raging sea.

Erik and I have been blessed to have a counselor named Grace with whom we have met before. Her name is so befitting of her as she emulates grace and peace and encouragement in such a strong way. I know that God has placed her in our lives. And this week, I knew that we needed to start going to see her again. Last night we had the privilege of doing just that. It really helps to talk through grief and loss as a couple with an outside party. If you or someone you know has gone through loss of any magnitude, I encourage you to seek counseling. You don't need to do your grieving all on your own...and putting voice to the thoughts in your mind can be incredibly helpful. There is no reason to be ashamed to seek counseling. It does not make you less of a person. It doesn't mean that you are not strong. In fact, I think that it makes a person stronger to admit that they need help and to go seek that help. Thank you Grace for joining us on our journey. You are a gift to us.

Now...I'm going to focus today on the little kiddos that are present with us and the blessing that they are. They need their mama today, and I need them too.

Darts

It had been a few days since I felt the pit in the gut...the absence of her...but today it resurfaced. And of course it happened while I was at my favorite store with the big red bulls eye. I would have to say that right now I may have a love hate relationship with that store, as it sometimes is a place of zoning out and peace for me and other times a place full of triggers and reminders of my daughter. Those triggers can come for me anywhere and at anytime without warning, but today they were like darts...one after the other...digging into my abdomen...only unlike a dart board, I couldn't remove them like I wanted to.

One of the things that is sometimes hard and sometimes not hard is seeing pregnant women with very huge bellies. Today that hit like a ton of bricks. I kept seeing them, one after the other, the glowing mommies...and I was reminded that I should've either already had my healthy baby or I should've still been pregnant...and reminded that my due date is fast approaching, and only days away...April is right around the corner, and April 9th is almost here. I didn't know how hard it would be to think about my due date and honestly thought I'd be okay thinking about it or that it wouldn't bother me much. But today it is difficult to think about.

(***PLEASE NOTE...if you are pregnant or have just had a baby and you're wondering whether or not you should talk to me or hang around me, I WANT to see you and I WANT to talk with you. Please don't worry that it will be too hard for me. I have to face this challenge. It's just part of life. And again I say that sometimes it is more challenging than others. For instance, when I went to my MO_PS group for the first time two weeks after losing Solveig, I really didn't have a problem seeing all my sweet mommy friends and their babies and their pregnant bellies. It was wonderful to be with them, because I felt so loved...and I DO feel loved continually by them and by my other friends. And I also want you all to know that I am HONESTLY very happy for you if you are currently pregnant or have just had a baby and have many friends for whom this is the situation and I'm praying for you.)

While we were at the bulls eye store, we also walked through the kids clothing section as I was looking at some pants for my Bug. But while we were there, my eyes were of course drawn to the baby girl clothes...and especially a dress that I had purchased for my Solveig to match her big sister...that particular dress I had Erik return to the store because it would've been too big for our tiny peanut who was sort of swimming in the preemie sized outfit that we ended up using instead. But I keep seeing it. It is sometimes a good reminder of her, but today it was a tough reminder.

I want to find good reminders of her. And one of the things that I want to do is to plant something in our yard in honor of our daughter. Our yard was already sort of landscaped when we moved in, so there aren't necessarily a lot of places to plant something lovely and white or pink for our baby...but I'm on a mission to figure out where exactly I could do that and what I could plant. If you have any good ideas for me, let me know. I've heard different things recently that peak my interest...magnolia or cherry trees and tulips sound lovely. What would you plant? I want to see some beautiful blooms that will remind me of my beautiful girl.

A beautiful poem...

My sweet friend Emily (aka "Sunshine") who I worked with at the Y_M_C_A when we were day camp counselors wrote this amazing poem for me a few weeks ago. I asked her if I could please post it on my blog and she said that would be okay. Thank you so much, dear Emily. Your words are beautiful and touching...and when I read this I weep in gratitude for the way God has allowed you to think of my Solveig. Thank you.

An Angel of Peace

He born her onto Heaven

filled with your love.

Perfect and Precious

He born onto to us an Angel.

She burst from your womb

through Heaven’s open doors

Singing

your glorious Gospel.

She knew no suffering,

no pain,

no disappointment,

nor loss

Only the warmth of your internal home

and the completeness of your love.

What a gift for a soul

to live in your light,

to be filled by your love

To move from your sweet being

to home with our Heavenly Father

We will never know why your years on Earth with her

Must now be said goodbye to

Like water poured on a fire

the promise of this dream has gone out.

And yet, through this unspeakably grief

Which no words can capture

There is beauty

and joy

and hope in your future

For she lived within you

Danced in your body

Filled you with love

Just as you filled her

And although you do not have a lifetime

to know her, to see her each day before you

You know her in the deepest sense of knowing

Where there is no darkness or sorrow

No worry or pain

Only the feeling of her little body

Moving in yours

two souls joined

Forever in love

She is with you now.

Shining down on you from Heaven

Taking the love you gave her

And sharing it with our world

And she shares it with you.

In the flicker of a sunset

In Northern lights dancing

the warm smile of her daddy

the laughter of her siblings

she comes to you always

always.

with comfort and love

to continually show you

the beauty you gave

in your gift to the Lord

His perfect Angel of Peace.

Finding Support

Walking through grief is a challenge, and to find people who are willing to walk that road with those who are grieving can also be a challenge. We've been tremendously blessed with family and friends who are journeying with us and upholding us in prayer, love and friendship as well as actual physical helps...like my mom, who has been doing some of our laundry - what a gift...and both of our sets of parents who have been helping with our children some of the time - amazing...and all the people who have brought food or who are still committed to bring food in the weeks to come - we are thriving and surviving because of all of you who are doing these things to help us. Thank you doesn't seem like enough to say. But thank you I will say again and again...

Recently we started attending a support group for people like us who have been through some type of loss of a child. What a healing place to be. We are so grateful to have found this group and we know it will be a place of continued blessing for us and hopefully for the rest of the group as well.

I honestly don't know how people get through the loss of a child or any other type of human loss without this kind of support. And for us, I do not know how we'd get through this without our faith and hope in the Lord. He is showing Himself to us each day. Today as I was driving, I was thanking God out loud for the way He has shown up in our lives in this journey. I was remembering how present He was while we were in the hospital before, during and after delivery - I felt the presence of the Lord in a mighty way and that brought me hope and strength and peace. And I was thanking Him for the way that He has been allowing Erik and I to talk through things. Even though we're at different places in our grief sometimes, we're still able to discuss things and be there for each other right now...and I'm so thankful for that. I was thanking Him for not leaving us comfortless..."I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you." - John 14:18 He has done that. He has been comforting us. (FYI - the only reason I remember that scripture reference is because I first learned it through song with my college choir - thanks TKS for all the music you helped implant in my brain. :))

One day I hope that we can help comfort others the way He has comforted us.

Walking

A walk in the spring air was in order this evening. Bailey and I headed out into the coolish outdoors for our adventure. It has only been 3.5 weeks since I delivered Solveig, so I haven't been walking very long distances...until today. Walking around the loop at the park just didn't feel like enough today, so I decided to take our slightly longer loop and ended up walking for 30 minutes. This was quite a bit for today but it felt so good.

While I was walking, I thought about the notion that deciding to walk and deciding to continue on in my walk is much like continuing to press on in life after the loss of my baby girl. It would be really easy to shrivel up and not move forward, but I know that I need to slowly move forward...bit by bit...step by step...one foot in front of the other...day by day...moment by moment. In the midst of my grief I can choose to continue moving forward. I can choose to live fully in each moment of each day. Believe me when I say that this is a real challenge right now. And I know that I am nothing in this challenge without the strength of the Lord sustaining me through each step of the walk. The depth of sustenance from the Lord is what keeps me going. He is my rock and my strength, the one in whom I place my trust.

If you're struggling to place one foot in front of the other today, I encourage you to do so. You can do it. You will get through it. He can carry you...if you choose to let Him.

The Pink Ones...

A window of opportunity arose this afternoon for me to have some time alone, and gladly I took it. Thanks Erik for taking the kids to "training camp" with the grandparents.

While I had said time, I took my near daily trip to my favorite store with the big red bullseye...and while there I felt such a pit in my gut as I walked around. It was so hard to focus on what I was trying to find and I just ended up wandering for awhile, aimless in destination. (Wandering, however, is a very common ailment at the store with the big red bullseye...or so I hear from my discussions with other friends.) After a bit of wandering and finding some new thank you notes, it became increasingly apparent to me that my heart was missing my sweet baby girl immensely and I knew that I needed to go and "see" her at the cemetery.

First I stopped off at the flower shop to buy some flowers. When the nice lady asked me what I wanted, I said, "I need two roses by themselves and five in a bunch." And the tears started to flow...and I couldn't hold them back. My body was shuddering as I thought of the reason for my intended purchase. The nice lady wondered which color I wanted and I pointed and said, "the light pink ones." She said, "oh, I can't sell those because they are for a wedding...but I have some other pink ones right here that I just bought and they will be beautiful." They were indeed beautiful, but they were a bit darker in color...and I so wanted those lovely light ones, the same shade of light pink we had a few weeks prior for Solveig's burial...light pink and delicate like my delicate daughter. But I decided it wasn't something for me to fuss over and that the deeper shade of pink would be suitable for today's purpose. After the lady brought the flowers up, she whispered something to the other nice lady in the shop and I figured what she was saying must have been something about this being for my child and to cut me a deal. I explained to nice lady #2 my crying eyes and red puffy cheeks..."one rose is for my daughter's grave and the other is for the little girl buried next to her (the daughter of my friend). And the five other pink roses are for me to bring home." (5 for the 5 of us, including Solveig...maybe there really should be 7 since I have those two miscarried little ones in Heaven too...it's not that I don't think about them, because I do...but the weight of her loss was so intense since I carried her longer and I birthed her and I held her...) The nice lady who rang up my purchase told me that she had lost two children as well - one had passed 12 hours after birth - she understood my loss on a very personal level. And she looked at me with tears in her eyes and told me that it is still hard to this day, but she said, "I want to encourage you to enjoy your days here. Your child would want that for you. It will take awhile, but you'll get there." That meant a lot coming from her.

I felt encouraged after leaving the flower shop. And the drive to the cemetery was full of a similar nervousness as the day we buried our Solveig...but when I pulled into the driveway for the tiny little country cemetery, I felt such a relief. As I walked up to her grave, the freshly raked dirt was still there a few weeks after her burial. And it felt so real and so raw again...and I sobbed and missed her so deeply. I laid a rose first on tiny B's grave next to my Solveig and then one on Solveig's grave. I crouched down near the grave and cried and thought for awhile about the tiny little love who was resting just a few feet underneath me. If you've lost a child, perhaps you can relate to the urge to want to dig up the ground and see the body one more time...that's kind of how I feel when I go there...but it's not something I'd ever do, it's just something that crosses my mind and probably is a very normal maternal, primal instinct. Obviously, I know she is very much gone...and her sweet spirit is with Jesus...

The sun was shining today and the warmth of the sun on my shoulders was so soft and tender. It was like Jesus was reaching down from Heaven and holding me close...reassuring me that my precious girl was safe in His care. I felt an immense peace and I was able to breathe again.

Thank you Lord, for the reminders of you today...and thank you for taking care of my Solveig until I can hold her again...and for holding little B too while her mommy misses her too...