First Time Back

Awhile back, I posted something on here about collecting outfits and blankets to bring to the hospital for other families like ours who would need them when they wouldn't have a chance to go out and get something special for their babies.  Some sweet friends responded saying that they would love to donate some things - thank you, dear ones.  I had the honor of picking up those items recently from these friends.  You will probably never know who it is, but you WILL be a huge blessing to some other families in need.  What a gift you have given them.  The nurses were so excited to see the outfits and blankets and had huge smiles on their faces when they received them. :)  In some small way, it must help them to be able to pass these items along to the families that they take care of.  Having been the recipients of some such items, I can honestly say that it blessed me so much to receive these kinds of things, knowing that someone else cared enough to give them to me.

The other night I brought this bag of gifts to the hospital as I was there to attend support group.  Afterwards, I told our facilitator "A" that some friends had donated these items and asked if she would please bring them to the maternity floor on my behalf.  She asked me if I'd like to go with her and deliver them myself.  I hadn't really considered that before, and wasn't sure if I'd be ready to face that part of the hospital just yet...but I quickly said yes, as it felt like the right thing to do.

Nerves welled up in me, just a little bit, but overall I wasn't as scared as I would've guessed I might be.  A walked with me and introduced me to the nurses...several of whom I recognized from my three deliveries in that hospital.  It felt okay to be back there.  I'm so glad that I did that.

Now I don't need to be afraid to go there again.  In some ways, that place is sacred for me...for it holds SO many memories, not just of Solveig, but also of Bug and Buzz and their deliveries and first moments of life...and moments where life was somewhat void.  There have been many special moments for our family inside those hospital walls.  Angels have been with me inside those walls.  The Lord has shown Himself to be mighty and real inside those walls, even in the midst of great pain...but also in the midst of immense joy.  And now I feel a mission to help others inside those walls...and to pray over them.  I often find myself asking God to help other families who are experiencing the pain of loss.  And I feel a new passion and ministry in helping these families. It will be interesting to see just how that progresses and changes over time.

And at some point, perhaps as we near Solveig's birthdate in February, I'd like to take Erik and go back and visit the room where we had her.  It was just a few paces away from where I stood the other night, but I wasn't ready to ask to see it.  I just want to make peace with that space and be okay with it.  I've heard that this can be a very healing thing to do.

If anyone else reading this would like to donate blankets and outfits let me know.  And if you're able to donate them in duplicates, this would be great...so that people can keep one if they choose to bury their baby in the other.

Also, I'll hopefully be putting something up here soon for people to donate to Solveig's Boxes - the project that I'm working on for the hospital.  I just need to figure out how to do that.  For those who live nearby, there may be some opportunities in the somewhat near future for need of help putting some items for the boxes together before the boxes can actually be assembled.  I'll be sure to let you know!  And I'd love it if you'd let me know if you're interested! :)  Things are really starting to shape up for the contents of the boxes after many trips to the craft stores that begin with M and J, and also many emails and phone calls.  It's very exciting, for sure.

I need to make sure and thank you again for all of your support and encouragement and prayer over these last few months.  We sure do feel it and know that we are loved, and it means so much. Know that I love it when you write back and leave comments - I read every one.  I just don't know how to respond within the comment space yet!  If anyone knows how to do that, would you let me know?

Blessings to you.

Musical Midnight

I started writing this last week and just couldn't finish...so I thought I'd finish it now.  I'm linking up with Tesha's Treasures today.  Blessings...
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For some reason, this week has been really tough.  I just feel "out of sorts," as it were and there are moments when it is hard to know how to conduct myself...whether that is in relation to family, friends or strangers.  There are times that I still feel like I'm living this separate existence where my mind is reeling with thoughts and processing things that other people probably aren't thinking about, and it's okay that they're thinking about their own things.  As one bereaved dad said in our support group meeting, "I don't think it's fair to drag other people into what I'm going through.  If they choose to go there with me, then that's great.  But I cannot force them to be there."  I thought that was quite profound and helpful for me at the time that I heard it several weeks ago...and it is still helpful today.

It seems that the mind gets whirling about around midnight in my little Melody World.  Sometimes I just want to turn Melody World off and get some rest, but sometimes I just cannot.  Sometimes when Melody World appears I choose to embrace it and choose to sort through my thoughts as best as I can.  But sometimes I finally realize that I cannot do this alone, and I must reach out to God and ask for His help and support.  Last night was one of those nights...

We had finally crashed into our bed around midnight, which is pretty common around here.  I'm sort of a night owl and Erik usually has a hard time settling before 11pm, as do I.  But some nights it's more like midnight when we go to sleep.  And last night it was.  I was so tired but just could not keep my eyes closed for more than a minute or two before thoughts and pictures would come to my mind.  I'm a very visual person, so when I see a picture I can usually remember it for a long time.  The picture that was in my mind last night and has been repeatedly in my mind for the last few weeks was that of my Solveig.  Her last ultrasound picture very clearly shows her umbilical cord wrapped three times around her neck - a "nuchal cord."  I didn't notice this until just a few weeks ago when I started working on her scrapbook album and really began studying the ultrasound photos.  I did not see this cord at the time of the ultrasound, and it was not mentioned to me either.  It really has been something for me to try and sort this out...to forgive the situation and those involved and to not hold anything against them.  From all that I've been learning, even if cord is present in an ultrasound (which is VERY common), most physicians will not pursue further testing/monitoring if everything is looking well otherwise.  They  continue to do biophysical profiles and check for baby's heart rate and blood pressure to make sure everything is "normal."  Apparently Solveig's stats were within normal range that day...even though they were lower than they had been in previous ultrasounds.  I guess they weren't within a dangerous zone, so the physicians weren't alarmed.

The picture continued to be present in my mind, and all the sudden the Lord woke me up and started giving me a tune in my head and lyrics also.  I headed into our bathroom with a pad of paper and a pen and began writing out the lyrics.  Obviously since it was so late at night, I couldn't really sing the melody line and record it or play our piano...so that part will have to come later.  I do need to keep manuscript paper around my presence more often so that when these inspirations hit I'll have it with me.    The lyrics poured out and I believe I have the beginning at least of yet another song for Solveig.  It was so cathartic for me and I feel it really was yet another gift from God...a gift of music and song that He gave to me to help comfort me in my time of need.  He works in the most amazing ways.  I believe I may attempt to start composing the music for the now two sets of lyrics that I have, and perhaps may even someday compile these into a short song cycle in honor of my daughter.  I really would like to do that.  And if I could ever get up the gumption to perform the songs myself in recital, that would be most special.  If I'm not able to do it though, maybe I could ask a friend to sing them for me. :)

This current week has been better than the last.  I've been resting more soundly than I was, and that is good.  There are still some rough nights.  Exercise really does seem to help me to calm and settle in more.  Gee, I should remember that more often when I'm feeling antsy!

May the Lord be with you.  And remember, in your darkest hour you can call on Him and He WILL be there...I know...because He has been there for me.

The Hurt And The Healer

This song by Mercy Me has really been ministering to me lately.  Here's a music video of it.  I hope this works, and I hope it blesses your day.  There's also a link to Bart Millard speaking about the piece.

Tuesday Link Up

Today I'm linking up with my blog friend, Tesha.  Her post for today is one that I can relate to a bit and it is regarding becoming offended in the face of loss.  There really haven't been too many things that have yet offended me following the loss of our Solveig, but there certainly have been a few.  I think people sometimes say or do things (or don't do or say things I wish that they would) and they don't intend to hurt my feelings but they do.  I'm trying so hard to not take these issues personally, because I know that they are most likely not meant to be taken that way.  I'm praying for God to give me grace in my dealings with others, whether it's related to our loss or just in every day life.  We all need grace!  And we all need help to remember to choose kindness.  I'm NOT perfect in this way, believe me...but I long to be more whole in my spirit.  Only by God's grace can I extend grace to another.

Tesha wrote a great post about these types of things.  You can read about it here!  Thanks for sharing your honesty, Tesha.

If you're new to my blog, you can read more about the loss of our daughter Solveig Sofia by clicking on some of the labels or posts on the right hand sidebar.  Fancier blog layout hopefully to come in the future... :)

More Conversations With Kids

The family table is a great place to share conversations.  Sometimes the conversations are about very simple, surface like topics.  But there are times that the conversations dig much deeper.  Today at lunch,  we were talking about Solveig after the kids brought her up.  I love it when they bring her up...when ANYONE brings her up. :)  I like to think of her and to talk about her.

So today, Bug was talking about how she couldn't wait to see Solveig in Heaven and to see how much she had grown.  I said, "we don't know how big she'll be when we meet her in Heaven.  That will be interesting to find out."  Bug said, "I think she will have grown taller!"  Buzz said, "I want Solveig to gwow and gwow and gwow!" (he cannot say his r's right now at age 4 - it's really cute)

Then Buzz said, "but I don't know if Solveig will be in Heaven."

I thought about this.  And of course, after discussing this matter with lots of people now including our pastor, I know that the Bible does not say for sure if babies are in Heaven.  But when we met with our pastor He affirmed that it all comes down to remembering the character of God...that He is a loving, just and merciful God.  There are lots of scriptures from the Bible that speak of children being loved by Jesus...that "the kingdom of God belongs to such as these," etc.  So it seems to make sense to our earthly minds that babies ought to be there, since even though they are born with a sin nature they have not yet had a chance to commit an earthly sin.

But Buzz was puzzled by the idea that he didn't know for sure where his sister would be.

I reminded him that I believe without a doubt that our baby Solveig is there.  And I told him about how God had given me a vision awhile back about Solveig, dancing and playing on the streets of gold.  He smiled as he thought about that, and so did my Bug.  It makes me smile too.

Buzz pondered some things a bit more and then said, "we will have to take a car to Heaven."

I said, "What makes you think that?"

He said, "because I don't wanna have to walk vewy wong!!!" (translation - very long)

Bug replied, "you don't have to walk you silly goose!  Jesus lifts you up!"

This brought joy to my heart and tears to my eyes...the image of Jesus lifting us to Heaven...the image of Him lifting my Solveig to Heaven...

I look forward to that day.  For now, I am here to keep being a mama to my sweet children and a wife to my precious Erik...roles that I love and I'm so grateful to have.

And I'll always be Solveig's mommy...always.

Scrapbooking Sweet Solveig

Scrapbooking is one of my favorite things to do when I have time.  How I wish there was more time to work on scrapbooking!  It's one of those things that I have to create time for in order for it to happen.  So, I'm excited to say that I have a scrapbooking date in the near future with a few friends, including my CM consultant, Pam.  On that date, the plan is that I will come prepared with my Solveig pictures in hand, and I will leave with her scrapbook created in four hours.  I'll be doing a "power layout" plan and it will hopefully help things to go quickly and smoothly.  I'm going to use this book and these papers, in case you're interested.

A few nights ago, I realized in preparation for my scrapbooking date that I needed to get my photos in order and ready to go.  There were none printed, other than my ultrasound pictures, so I set to work going through all the photos which we and the nurses took of our daughter, and the ones that sweet Jen took.  As I looked through the mass of photos which I'm so grateful that we have, I found myself getting really weepy all over again, feeling like it was just yesterday that we had Solveig.  And it was okay.  It was good to see her and to remember her.  It was just hard to pick and choose the photos for ordering as there were many that looked similar.  So I ordered a whole bunch of them, knowing that it would almost be easier to sort through them in hand rather than on the computer.

Last night, I got together with my sweet friend Keri from high school.  She accompanied me on my journey to the photo store to retrieve my photos.  I not only printed ones for the scrapbooking project, but also some for family and for our home.  Keri and I sat at a coffee shop and she graciously looked through all the photos with me.  Only good friends do that kind of thing.  It had to be hard for her to see the pictures.  For me, I'm so used to looking at them that it doesn't really phase me anymore.  But for someone else, I could see how it would be more difficult perhaps to look at the pictures.  Keri said she was glad to look at them with me, and I'm so glad that she did.  Thank you sweet Keri.  You're a keeper.  And I'm glad that I've known you for so long.  Thank you for bravely and gently walking this road with me.

I have a question for those of you who have lost your babies...

Did you display photos of your deceased child in your home for all to see?  Just in your bedroom?  In a back hallway?  Only in a photo album or also in a photo album?  Hidden on a shelf or proudly on your coffee table?

We're trying to figure out how and where we will place our special photos.  They're such amazing treasures...especially the ones from Jen.  And I am not afraid to have a few of them out for others to see.     I realize this may not be socially acceptable in some circles, but I'm okay with it.  Erik and I have yet to figure out what will work for us together in our home.  This isn't something two people get to discuss every day - new territory for us in this grief journey.

I'll be curious to see what you have to say about this.  Thanks for your input.

And I'd love your prayers as I get ready to create my baby's photo album.  I'm sure it may be emotionally difficult.  Yet, I feel very ready to do it now.  Like I said, I'm really used to seeing the photos so it doesn't upset me in the same way as it used to.  More than anything, it just makes me glad to see our family together with our precious daughter whom we will always cherish and love.

This is one of my favorite candids that we took of our kids together.  They were incredibly sweet and gentle with their little sister...

Today I'm linking with Tesha...

Four Months Later

Today marks four months since our Solveig was born still.  I miss her.  I realized this last night as I was sitting with my sweet new friends from "The Club."  This is a group of women who have all had baby losses, and we are connected mostly through college but also one friendship is through a mutual friend.  It's incredible how quickly I feel bonded with others who've experienced loss of babies.  There's a common understanding, and we just "get it" with each other.

This has been a good week for me, for the most part.  My hope in Christ remains strong.  I'm not just saying that - it's so true.  I have so many reasons to believe in Him and His goodness.  The loving arms of Jesus continually show up around me...so many continue to pray over us.  I hear from people I haven't heard from in a long time, and they tell me they are praying.  And other friends keep telling me often that they are praying.  We are blessed by these prayers and gain strength knowing that He has sent these earthly angels into our path to encourage us.

As the sun shone brightly this morning, I knew that I needed to make my way to the cemetery to visit my baby's grave.  I think of her playing on this bright, sunny day in Heaven.  She is happy - that is for sure!  Standing by her tiny grave I gazed down and spoke to her as though I knew she could hear me.

"Sweet girl, how I miss you!  I know you are with Jesus and I know He is holding you.  He has shown me that.  And I know that you are okay now.  I will always love you and I'll always think of you, no matter what.  I'll always be grateful that the Lord gave you to us for even a brief time.  I'll always be so glad that I got to feel you moving so much in my womb - how amazing that was.  What a gift."

We were talking last night in our club about our losses and asking each other what we've been learning through this journey.  My friend asked me if I was at a place of feeling grateful for our loss.  And I am. I truly am.  I'm grateful for our baby Solveig, and I'm grateful that the Lord has brought us through this difficult loss.  It really has been a blessing.  I'm no longer angered by our loss.  In fact, I don't know that I was really angry for that long at all...because God truly showed me Himself in the midst of the pain and I know that He has never left my side.  He continues to be near.  I FEEL Him with me.

I also know that we're still in the earlier end of this loss, and that it is possible that there may be harder days ahead which may bring us low.  But I really think each person handles loss so differently too.  And maybe, just maybe I'll not be in such a low, depressed way as some are.  I ache for those who face true despair in their losses.  I do think I had some of that in the beginning...which is NORMAL.  And I do feel sadness.  Believe me, I do.  But I see Him through it all.  I still see Him and I know that in my pain, He holds me up.  If I do face even darker days ahead, at least I can go into it knowing that it is normal and that I will indeed come out on the other side.  I hear that sometimes the middle-second half of the first year of loss is maybe the hardest.

I've been reading a really great book lately called Jesus Calling, written by Sarah Young.  If you haven't yet read it, I highly recommend it.  Sweet Sid and Char, some of our pastors, gave us this book after we lost Solveig...thank you dear friends.  What a blessing this book has been to me.  Each day there is a short devotional written as though maybe Jesus is talking to us and then some Bible verses are recommended to go with each reading.  Here's some of what I read today from the book, from the entry intended for April 5:

"As you go through this day, trust me to provide the strength that you need moment by moment.  Don't waste energy wondering whether you are adequate for today's journey.  My Spirit within you is more than sufficient to handle whatever this day may bring.  That is the basis for your confidence!  In quietness (spending time alone with me) and confident trust (relying on My sufficiency) is your strength."  


The recommended reading that goes with it is from 2 Corinthians 4, and I added a few more verses from that chapter that I love.

vs. 7-9, "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.  We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed...."

vs. 16-18, "So we do not lose heart.  Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.  For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.  For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

May we fix our gaze on what is eternal and not seen.

There's a lot of other stuff on my mind today, which I will hope to soon share here.

May you have a blessed day.

I