Solveig's Birthday - One Year Later

Since Solveig Sofia was born on February 29th, the day that doesn't exist except for every four years, we decided that we would honor her life on the 28th unless it is a leap year.  Today was that day. It is hard to believe that it has already been one year since our precious angel was born into Heaven.  Some of the days we have endured in this year have seemed so long.  There were days I just wanted to crawl into a hole and not come out for a very long time.  And other days, particularly as we moved further into the year, I was truly able to find enjoyment and peace.  Overall there has been a sense of peace.  I really have felt God's presence with me and with us even in those darkest moments.  That is something that I am so grateful for, and something of which I never desire to let go.

So today, the big one year anniversary of our baby's birth and death, we decided to do some really special things together as a family.  Our hope was originally that Erik and I would be able to go to the hospital to the room where we delivered Solveig.  There is a need for me especially to make peace with that sacred space, listen to music that we heard during the delivery and afterwards, and just reminisce about our daughter in the place where we first met her...and where we spent the most time with her.  Unfortunately for us, the room that we used has been occupied today.  So we will hope to go there sometime in the next week if it works out.

Since our hospital date didn't work out, we slightly altered some of our plans.  We took the kids to our wonderful museum for young ones where we made homemade paper, worked on an assembly line, delivered mail, and swung through the jungle and went to the moon with the cartoon characters who speak Sp_anish.  It really was fun to do something joyful that Solveig would've also enjoyed if she had been with us.  After playing hard for a few hours, we made our way to an As_ian restaurant for stir fried goodness.  Then it was onto the grocery store to get some pink roses, or in this case today pink tipped white roses as that was all they had.  And we picked up six pink balloons from the party store.

We made our way to the cemetery in the country where the snow was covering the ground in a white blanket, just as it was almost a year ago when we first buried our little girl.  I noticed as we drove up that there was already a freshly laid flower at the grave and I was so curious about it.  With roses in tow, we walked to the grave where we found that beautiful pink rose and a note from my sweet friend Natalie and her family.  What a blessing to have friends and family who have been there for us through this journey and who have been remembering us with calls, flowers, cards, emails, etc.  We are so grateful.  Thank you dear Natalie.  And thank you to the many others who have shown us your love.

We took turns laying our roses at the grave.  For some reason, the kids decided it would be cool to place each of their flowers on top of the headstone rather than by the ground.  Then we got out our six light pink balloons, just like the ones we had last year when we buried Solveig.  (Six balloons were for the four kids, including this little one inside of me, and us two parents.  I didn't intentionally leave out our two miscarried babies - and now that I think of it, I wish I had gotten two more balloons.) We decided to release the balloons together as a group, but didn't think about the fact that the ribbons were sort of stuck together.  What ensued brought great laughter as our balloons flew up in the wind and got lodged into a nearby tree where one quickly popped.  We decided that the one that popped must have been Solveig's balloon, and that maybe she was kind of laughing at us!  Erik said that she might have been thinking, "hey guys, I beat you!  I got here first!"  Shortly after that balloon popped, one of the remaining five balloons let loose and flew into the sky.  That made me think of her spirit flying to Heaven.  We reminded the kids that the reason we did the balloon release and visited the cemetery was so that they could remember that our bodies are not meant for this earth, and that we will all die someday and we do not need to fear death.  We told them again that we have hope in the resurrection of Jesus - hope in Heaven where we can also look forward to being reunited with Solveig and our two miscarried babies.

After Erik and I hugged and we were chilled enough from the brisk air, we left the cemetery and headed with Bailey dog to the dog park.  It was fun to take a loop around the park with the kids and to see Bailey enjoying herself with the small pack that was there.  We promised the kids that there was something "chaud" for them after the dog park.  They didn't know that word in Fre_nch yet, but kept trying to figure it out.  Once we got home, we made some hot cocoa (our something chaud - "hot") and warmed up a bit.

After a rest, I made some almond buttercream frosting for the vanilla cake I baked yesterday and set out decorating the cake.  I just wanted it to be simple and had bought some raspberries to place around it.  I found some candy decors that I could use to write Solveig's name and placed one little pink candle on top.  We decorated the table with a simple pink tablecloth and some girly butterfly plates and napkins.  And then the feast began...hot dogs, baked beans and salad.  We just wanted to have something simple, and the beans and hot dogs we felt would've been enjoyed by a one year old.

When it was time to sing and have cake, I was videotaping and could barely choke out half of the words for the birthday song.  It struck me again that the baby we were singing to was not physically with us.  But you know what else struck me today?  Her birthday in Heaven must be much greater than any birthday could ever be here on earth.  I can hardly wait to join her there to celebrate more birthdays.

For now, we will continue to honor our daughter and celebrate her short yet valuable life here on this earth.

Solveig Sofia, I love you sweet girl.  Your mama misses you so much.  I wish I could hug and kiss you and feed you your birthday cake...and sing songs to you and rock you and lay you down in your crib to sleep.  We will never forget you.  Your life mattered and always will.

Unexpected Blessing

Tonight I attended my support group at the hospital.  This has been such a key part of my healing in the past year - going to support group and being encouraged because I'm walking this journey with other parents who are also going through similar things.  Our support group leader/facilitator Annette is so dear to me and has become a lifeline and friend over the year.  I'm grateful for her help.

After group tonight, I asked Annette if she would go with me to the labor and delivery unit so that I could double check where we delivered Solveig.  Sometime around her birthday, Erik and I plan to go to the room to remember her and our experience there.  It is so important to me to make peace with that space before I deliver another baby in that hospital sometime in the next few months.  Annette willingly went with me to the unit and explained who I was to the nurses on duty.  Right away, the nurse that we were speaking with said, "Oh, I remember you!  Wasn't your baby born on the 29th of February last year?"  "Yes," I said, "that was her."  The nurse Lori said, "I was the charge nurse that night and I remember you and your family.  Your story was so unique.  The nurses talked about you for a long time after that.  I saw your baby's obituary in the newspaper and I really appreciated that you wanted people to designate their memorial funds to Now I L_ay Me Do_wn To Sl_eep."  Annette told Lori, "Melody is making the boxes for the hospital now."  And Lori said, "Oh that's you?  Those boxes are amazing!  In fact, one woman who had a loss here and received one of those boxes was able to share about it with her friend who lives in W_is_cons_in and didn't get anything at the hospital she delivered at when she lost her baby.  She took photos of your box and gave them to her friend who is now is now making boxes like yours for her hospital!"  "Wow, that is just awesome!  I'm so glad to know that is happening," I exclaimed.  I was blown away by this response, and immensely touched that someone would remember and acknowledge us, our loss and our baby girl.  I was also so thrilled to know that because of the box project which started years ago in honor of a little girl named Olivia who was stillborn, that people are continuing to be blessed by the boxes which are now being made in honor of my Solveig.  Tears came to my eyes, and Lori said, "I didn't mean to make you cry."  I said, "no, it's okay!  It means so much to me that you remember."  Just down the row at the desk another nurse said, "I remember you too.  I was there."  I looked at her and totally recognized her!  "You're the one who took pictures, right?  I remember you too," I said.  "Thank you so much for taking pictures."

Shortly thereafter, we made our way down the hall and confirmed our room.  There it was, empty at the moment, and I recognized it right away.  It didn't feel weird to me to see it.  This was the third time that I had set foot in that labor and delivery unit since our delivery last February.  And each time I've been there it has felt a little bit better.  I'm hoping that on the day we plan to go in to honor Solveig's life that it will be open and ready for us to spend some time in it.  That place is sacred for us.  Angels were there with us.  The care we received in that hospital was amazing.  And I'm incredibly grateful for the people who are working there.  Going back there and having a live baby, Lord willing, will be such a redemptive experience.

God chose today to remind me of His presence.  He showed me again how much He loves me, and that our baby girl's life was not in vain.  He showed me that her legacy lives on, and that what was such a tragic situation for us has now gone on to produce good in our lives as well as the lives of others.  We are blessed to be part of Solveig's legacy.  And I can hardly wait to see what God continues to do because of that little girl's life.

Thank you Lord for letting us have Solveig for such a brief time.  May we choose to continue seeing the good that has come out of her life.  And may you continue to be glorified.

Soli deo gloria!

6 Months Have Passed...(a lost post!)

**This is a long lost post that never was actually posted, and it was from four months ago...

It is so hard to believe that it has already been six months since our Solveig was born still.  How I miss that precious little love and wish she was with us!

**Note: the below info. about the MGF walk/run is obsolete for the present time as the walk already happened.

Today I was thinking about her a lot, as I registered our family for the Missing Grace Foundation Run/Walk event coming up soon.  I cried while I watched the promo video, and I realized just how important this event will be to me and to our family in helping us to honor our baby girl.  Here is a link about it if you're interested to join us.  We'll be walking in honor of our baby, and our kids will get to do the "dash" just for kids.  Our team is called "Team Chloe/Solveig."  A girl I know from college days started the team in honor of her niece Chloe and she asked if she could also run in honor of Solveig...how cool.  I'm so honored that she is doing this.  Thanks, Alissa.   Even if you can't run or walk, if you feel led to donate to the team you may do that as well.  Here is the link to the donation page.  Once you get there, you can look through the teams until you find "Team Chloe/Solveig" and you can donate personally to our team.  All the proceeds go to support the Missing Grace Foundation, which exists to help families who have experienced losses such as ours, as well as to promote awareness of stillbirth/infant loss.  We've personally been blessed by Missing Grace and we're grateful that it exists.

There is so much more I wish to share about Solveig's Boxes, the project for the hospital.  I will hope to write about that very soon.  I will have information for how you can donate money towards the project.

Thank you for your support and continued prayers.  We still need your prayers.  Some days are very hard, and some days are so very good.  There seem to be more good days than bad right now, and for that we're grateful.  This is a long journey though.  Grief doesn't just go away...and our sweet girl will forever be a part of our world.  I just shared with a neighbor tonight that God has been so good to us through this very difficult experience.  Truly, our faith in Him has grown.  Sure there are days where we may question or it might feel harder to believe in the love of God, but there are way more days when I feel His love and His presence in such a powerful way that there is no denying He is over us.  I know the reality of Him much more now than I did before.  A gift, indeed

Here's a few pictures that I love of our Solveig Sofia that I want to share today...some have already been posted, but I want to see them again...

Need Blog Help

Hi Blogging World!

I'm calling out for some help.  I just tried to add a page called "Solveig Sofia's Story."  You can see the supposed title/link for it at the top of my blog, along with the "home" link.  The only thing is, when I click on either one I don't get anywhere except for the home page.  I actually did compose something for the Solveig page but I'm not sure what I did wrong.  I told blogger to publish it and it doesn't seem like it is available.  Any ideas how to fix this issue?

Thank you so much!

Red and Blue

If you know me well at all, you probably know that I am a dreamer.  Not only do I tend to have vivid dreams in color in my sleep, but I also am a dreamer in the sense of having big dreams for my life...places I want to go, things I want to see and do and ways I wish to improve myself.  Perhaps I'm often just a wishful thinker, but I think that having dreams for one's life is a way more interesting way to live than to be without a dream.

Well, a few nights ago I had a most vivid dream about our new baby boy who currently resides in my womb.  I dreamed that he was born and that he came out with bright red hair and bold blue eyes!  Both of us have red hair and blue eyes in our families, but they are definitely not dominant traits for either of our families.  Wouldn't it be fun to have a little red headed, blue eyed boy in our world?

It will be fun to see what he really looks like.  I'm guessing he'll have brown hair and brown eyes...or hazel eyes like Erik and I truly have.

Maybe we'll get to find out in about three + months...Lord willing.

For now, may this little one stay safe inside of me punching and kicking away.  I'm somewhat encouraged when I feel him doing just that.  Feeling life is a gift.

May you dream big in this new year.  May the Lord bless your dreams and your pursuits.  And may you not be without a dream and a passion.

As my college voice teacher and friend told me, "shoot for the stars!  God will place you where He wants you to be!"  I still love that and ascribe to live that way.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Stockings

We were blessed to be able to spend Christmas and a few days after with family on both sides.  Leading up to Christmas, I wasn't sure how I would feel about things.  It was much harder than I thought it would be.  The weight of not having Solveig with us struck again as I imagined her trying to tug ornaments off of the tree or opening a present for the first time.  She would have been 10 months old this month, December 29th.  I didn't think I would care if there were no stocking hung by our fireplace with her name, but I did.  So I decided after we had already hung our other stockings to go ahead and order a stocking with her name embroidered on it.  I know she isn't here to receive gifts, but I would like to start a tradition of writing notes or letters to her and placing them in the stocking.  My hope was to do this tradition beginning this year, but it didn't happen...yet.  The stockings are still hung so I suppose we could go ahead with it, or we could wait.  Once that stocking came in the mail and I was able to hang it with the rest of our stockings, it felt right.

Solveig's stocking has two girls figure skating on a pond.  It took me awhile to decide which one I would choose for her, but that one seemed to fit.  I love to imagine the things that Solveig and her big sister Bug would've done together.  Since we love to skate here in the north land, I knew that the skating stocking was just right for our little girl.  Bug's stocking has an angel on it, holding a lamb.  When Bug was little, I used to think of her as God's precious little lamb.  But now, the picture on the stocking also makes me think of a big sister, holding her little sister in her arms.

It felt odd to not have our baby with us for one of our most special holiday times, but I know that where she is in Heaven there is way more rejoicing going on than there ever could be here on earth.  For she is living with the King of kings and Lord of lords...Jesus Christ, our Savior.  Her Christmas in Heaven must have been something spectacular.

And one day, we will join her again.  The Christmas celebrations of earth will fade into the past as we will live in the present.  Our hearts will burst with praise, and we will know no more pain or suffering.

That will be a glorious day.

Good News

Again, I find myself in a place of wondering why it has taken me so long to post on this blog.  This fall has been insanely busy for me, with wonderful things taking my time...teaching at home, teaching an online college class, singing in a Christmas opera, working on Solveig's boxes and so much more.  But there is one thing which I haven't been able to share until now.  I have waited and waited to share this very important detail because I just didn't feel it was the right time.  But now I feel it is time.

There is a new little baby growing inside of me and HE is doing very well!  I am now at 21+ weeks gestation and it is hard to believe that I'm over halfway to the optimal finish line.  To say this is an emotional journey is definitely the understatement of the year.  And yet there are moments where I find myself smiling, hoping and praying that maybe this precious boy will make it out of me alive.  He is such a blessing and we are immensely grateful for this new life.

This time around, I'm working with an incredible group of perinatologists - high risk obstetricians.  It feels so wonderful to be going to a different clinic, as much as I love my other doctors.  Because of how traumatic everything was with Solveig, and because I am considered high risk for many reasons, there is an element of needing to be working with this group.  The one thing that will remain the same is that I will deliver at the same hospital.  That for me has a level of comfort involved as I very well know that place and some of the people working there.  Even though we experienced such a difficult time in that hospital, we have also had moments of joy there and moments of hope.  That was the one home that Solveig had outside my body, even though she was already gone, so that is one thing that seems special.

Anyway, back to the doctors...the one who I am seeing is such a blessing.  She has been an amazing encouragement, and I feel like God handpicked her just for me.  I appreciate her sensitivity and her kindness, and her amazing attention to detail.  And the nurses are incredible.  All of them worked OB labor and delivery at the hospital for many years before ever taking a job in this clinic, so they are incredibly knowledgable, helpful and comforting.  I may enter that clinic with fright or anxiety at times, but I always leave with peace.  That is an amazing gift.

Solveig will always have a special place in our hearts.  We will always miss her and we will always love her and think of her.  Her little brother will never replace her or be a substitute for her.  He is however such a gift and blessing.  We already love him and I know that love will continue growing as this pregnancy goes on.

Your prayers for this new little man and for the rest of us are so greatly appreciated.  This journey is a challenge, but Lord willing, we may get to know this precious life here on earth in a few months. :)

My due date is at the end of April, but I will most likely be going earlier, depending on how things go.

Thanks for your continued support and prayer.