Unexpected Blessing

Tonight I attended my support group at the hospital.  This has been such a key part of my healing in the past year - going to support group and being encouraged because I'm walking this journey with other parents who are also going through similar things.  Our support group leader/facilitator Annette is so dear to me and has become a lifeline and friend over the year.  I'm grateful for her help.

After group tonight, I asked Annette if she would go with me to the labor and delivery unit so that I could double check where we delivered Solveig.  Sometime around her birthday, Erik and I plan to go to the room to remember her and our experience there.  It is so important to me to make peace with that space before I deliver another baby in that hospital sometime in the next few months.  Annette willingly went with me to the unit and explained who I was to the nurses on duty.  Right away, the nurse that we were speaking with said, "Oh, I remember you!  Wasn't your baby born on the 29th of February last year?"  "Yes," I said, "that was her."  The nurse Lori said, "I was the charge nurse that night and I remember you and your family.  Your story was so unique.  The nurses talked about you for a long time after that.  I saw your baby's obituary in the newspaper and I really appreciated that you wanted people to designate their memorial funds to Now I L_ay Me Do_wn To Sl_eep."  Annette told Lori, "Melody is making the boxes for the hospital now."  And Lori said, "Oh that's you?  Those boxes are amazing!  In fact, one woman who had a loss here and received one of those boxes was able to share about it with her friend who lives in W_is_cons_in and didn't get anything at the hospital she delivered at when she lost her baby.  She took photos of your box and gave them to her friend who is now is now making boxes like yours for her hospital!"  "Wow, that is just awesome!  I'm so glad to know that is happening," I exclaimed.  I was blown away by this response, and immensely touched that someone would remember and acknowledge us, our loss and our baby girl.  I was also so thrilled to know that because of the box project which started years ago in honor of a little girl named Olivia who was stillborn, that people are continuing to be blessed by the boxes which are now being made in honor of my Solveig.  Tears came to my eyes, and Lori said, "I didn't mean to make you cry."  I said, "no, it's okay!  It means so much to me that you remember."  Just down the row at the desk another nurse said, "I remember you too.  I was there."  I looked at her and totally recognized her!  "You're the one who took pictures, right?  I remember you too," I said.  "Thank you so much for taking pictures."

Shortly thereafter, we made our way down the hall and confirmed our room.  There it was, empty at the moment, and I recognized it right away.  It didn't feel weird to me to see it.  This was the third time that I had set foot in that labor and delivery unit since our delivery last February.  And each time I've been there it has felt a little bit better.  I'm hoping that on the day we plan to go in to honor Solveig's life that it will be open and ready for us to spend some time in it.  That place is sacred for us.  Angels were there with us.  The care we received in that hospital was amazing.  And I'm incredibly grateful for the people who are working there.  Going back there and having a live baby, Lord willing, will be such a redemptive experience.

God chose today to remind me of His presence.  He showed me again how much He loves me, and that our baby girl's life was not in vain.  He showed me that her legacy lives on, and that what was such a tragic situation for us has now gone on to produce good in our lives as well as the lives of others.  We are blessed to be part of Solveig's legacy.  And I can hardly wait to see what God continues to do because of that little girl's life.

Thank you Lord for letting us have Solveig for such a brief time.  May we choose to continue seeing the good that has come out of her life.  And may you continue to be glorified.

Soli deo gloria!

6 Months Have Passed...(a lost post!)

**This is a long lost post that never was actually posted, and it was from four months ago...

It is so hard to believe that it has already been six months since our Solveig was born still.  How I miss that precious little love and wish she was with us!

**Note: the below info. about the MGF walk/run is obsolete for the present time as the walk already happened.

Today I was thinking about her a lot, as I registered our family for the Missing Grace Foundation Run/Walk event coming up soon.  I cried while I watched the promo video, and I realized just how important this event will be to me and to our family in helping us to honor our baby girl.  Here is a link about it if you're interested to join us.  We'll be walking in honor of our baby, and our kids will get to do the "dash" just for kids.  Our team is called "Team Chloe/Solveig."  A girl I know from college days started the team in honor of her niece Chloe and she asked if she could also run in honor of Solveig...how cool.  I'm so honored that she is doing this.  Thanks, Alissa.   Even if you can't run or walk, if you feel led to donate to the team you may do that as well.  Here is the link to the donation page.  Once you get there, you can look through the teams until you find "Team Chloe/Solveig" and you can donate personally to our team.  All the proceeds go to support the Missing Grace Foundation, which exists to help families who have experienced losses such as ours, as well as to promote awareness of stillbirth/infant loss.  We've personally been blessed by Missing Grace and we're grateful that it exists.

There is so much more I wish to share about Solveig's Boxes, the project for the hospital.  I will hope to write about that very soon.  I will have information for how you can donate money towards the project.

Thank you for your support and continued prayers.  We still need your prayers.  Some days are very hard, and some days are so very good.  There seem to be more good days than bad right now, and for that we're grateful.  This is a long journey though.  Grief doesn't just go away...and our sweet girl will forever be a part of our world.  I just shared with a neighbor tonight that God has been so good to us through this very difficult experience.  Truly, our faith in Him has grown.  Sure there are days where we may question or it might feel harder to believe in the love of God, but there are way more days when I feel His love and His presence in such a powerful way that there is no denying He is over us.  I know the reality of Him much more now than I did before.  A gift, indeed

Here's a few pictures that I love of our Solveig Sofia that I want to share today...some have already been posted, but I want to see them again...

Need Blog Help

Hi Blogging World!

I'm calling out for some help.  I just tried to add a page called "Solveig Sofia's Story."  You can see the supposed title/link for it at the top of my blog, along with the "home" link.  The only thing is, when I click on either one I don't get anywhere except for the home page.  I actually did compose something for the Solveig page but I'm not sure what I did wrong.  I told blogger to publish it and it doesn't seem like it is available.  Any ideas how to fix this issue?

Thank you so much!

Red and Blue

If you know me well at all, you probably know that I am a dreamer.  Not only do I tend to have vivid dreams in color in my sleep, but I also am a dreamer in the sense of having big dreams for my life...places I want to go, things I want to see and do and ways I wish to improve myself.  Perhaps I'm often just a wishful thinker, but I think that having dreams for one's life is a way more interesting way to live than to be without a dream.

Well, a few nights ago I had a most vivid dream about our new baby boy who currently resides in my womb.  I dreamed that he was born and that he came out with bright red hair and bold blue eyes!  Both of us have red hair and blue eyes in our families, but they are definitely not dominant traits for either of our families.  Wouldn't it be fun to have a little red headed, blue eyed boy in our world?

It will be fun to see what he really looks like.  I'm guessing he'll have brown hair and brown eyes...or hazel eyes like Erik and I truly have.

Maybe we'll get to find out in about three + months...Lord willing.

For now, may this little one stay safe inside of me punching and kicking away.  I'm somewhat encouraged when I feel him doing just that.  Feeling life is a gift.

May you dream big in this new year.  May the Lord bless your dreams and your pursuits.  And may you not be without a dream and a passion.

As my college voice teacher and friend told me, "shoot for the stars!  God will place you where He wants you to be!"  I still love that and ascribe to live that way.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Stockings

We were blessed to be able to spend Christmas and a few days after with family on both sides.  Leading up to Christmas, I wasn't sure how I would feel about things.  It was much harder than I thought it would be.  The weight of not having Solveig with us struck again as I imagined her trying to tug ornaments off of the tree or opening a present for the first time.  She would have been 10 months old this month, December 29th.  I didn't think I would care if there were no stocking hung by our fireplace with her name, but I did.  So I decided after we had already hung our other stockings to go ahead and order a stocking with her name embroidered on it.  I know she isn't here to receive gifts, but I would like to start a tradition of writing notes or letters to her and placing them in the stocking.  My hope was to do this tradition beginning this year, but it didn't happen...yet.  The stockings are still hung so I suppose we could go ahead with it, or we could wait.  Once that stocking came in the mail and I was able to hang it with the rest of our stockings, it felt right.

Solveig's stocking has two girls figure skating on a pond.  It took me awhile to decide which one I would choose for her, but that one seemed to fit.  I love to imagine the things that Solveig and her big sister Bug would've done together.  Since we love to skate here in the north land, I knew that the skating stocking was just right for our little girl.  Bug's stocking has an angel on it, holding a lamb.  When Bug was little, I used to think of her as God's precious little lamb.  But now, the picture on the stocking also makes me think of a big sister, holding her little sister in her arms.

It felt odd to not have our baby with us for one of our most special holiday times, but I know that where she is in Heaven there is way more rejoicing going on than there ever could be here on earth.  For she is living with the King of kings and Lord of lords...Jesus Christ, our Savior.  Her Christmas in Heaven must have been something spectacular.

And one day, we will join her again.  The Christmas celebrations of earth will fade into the past as we will live in the present.  Our hearts will burst with praise, and we will know no more pain or suffering.

That will be a glorious day.

Good News

Again, I find myself in a place of wondering why it has taken me so long to post on this blog.  This fall has been insanely busy for me, with wonderful things taking my time...teaching at home, teaching an online college class, singing in a Christmas opera, working on Solveig's boxes and so much more.  But there is one thing which I haven't been able to share until now.  I have waited and waited to share this very important detail because I just didn't feel it was the right time.  But now I feel it is time.

There is a new little baby growing inside of me and HE is doing very well!  I am now at 21+ weeks gestation and it is hard to believe that I'm over halfway to the optimal finish line.  To say this is an emotional journey is definitely the understatement of the year.  And yet there are moments where I find myself smiling, hoping and praying that maybe this precious boy will make it out of me alive.  He is such a blessing and we are immensely grateful for this new life.

This time around, I'm working with an incredible group of perinatologists - high risk obstetricians.  It feels so wonderful to be going to a different clinic, as much as I love my other doctors.  Because of how traumatic everything was with Solveig, and because I am considered high risk for many reasons, there is an element of needing to be working with this group.  The one thing that will remain the same is that I will deliver at the same hospital.  That for me has a level of comfort involved as I very well know that place and some of the people working there.  Even though we experienced such a difficult time in that hospital, we have also had moments of joy there and moments of hope.  That was the one home that Solveig had outside my body, even though she was already gone, so that is one thing that seems special.

Anyway, back to the doctors...the one who I am seeing is such a blessing.  She has been an amazing encouragement, and I feel like God handpicked her just for me.  I appreciate her sensitivity and her kindness, and her amazing attention to detail.  And the nurses are incredible.  All of them worked OB labor and delivery at the hospital for many years before ever taking a job in this clinic, so they are incredibly knowledgable, helpful and comforting.  I may enter that clinic with fright or anxiety at times, but I always leave with peace.  That is an amazing gift.

Solveig will always have a special place in our hearts.  We will always miss her and we will always love her and think of her.  Her little brother will never replace her or be a substitute for her.  He is however such a gift and blessing.  We already love him and I know that love will continue growing as this pregnancy goes on.

Your prayers for this new little man and for the rest of us are so greatly appreciated.  This journey is a challenge, but Lord willing, we may get to know this precious life here on earth in a few months. :)

My due date is at the end of April, but I will most likely be going earlier, depending on how things go.

Thanks for your continued support and prayer.

8 Months Later and The Ornament...

I can hardly believe that it has been a month since I last wrote on this blog.  Life has been very busy, to say the least, and blogging has fallen to the bottom of the priority list I guess! :)

This fall has me teaching 10 private voice students at home, teaching a music appreciation class online for a college, working on Solveig's boxes, studying and preparing an opera role - "The Mother" in Amahl And The Night Visitors, and oh yes...that's right...I'm a mom and a wife and those roles are very much a part of my days as well.  Lots of pots are bubbling and I'm trying to stir them all.  In some ways it is really good to be this busy, because it keeps my brain occupied.  And in some ways it feels overwhelming at times.  Nonetheless, I do feel that God has called me to all of these tasks and roles right now and I'm glad to have them on my plate.

When October 29th rolled around, I had planned to write about Solveig.  But I think it was then or shortly before or after that the massive hurricane/storm happened on the east coast and I just didn't feel like it was right to be writing about my life when many people were losing theirs and struggling to have electricity, food and a clean bed to sleep in.  That struggle continues for them and my heart goes out to them.  I'm praying for God to help all of those in need right now who have been affected by the storm.

So now, a few days later after the 8 month marker, here I am.  It has been 8 months since Solveig came and went, and I can hardly believe that so much time has already passed.  It really doesn't seem possible.  Our sweet girl is still very present in my mind, every day, throughout the day.  Different things make me think of her.  Some of those memories are good and some are really hard.  It is almost like there are tapes of her last days and moments that continue to replay in my mind, and my brain automatically presses the rewind button and the replay button...even though I don't necessarily want to be thinking about it all the time.  It's just there.  Maybe it would be more harmful for me to pretend that the thoughts weren't there - to turn them off, so to speak, and to later have to face the thoughts.  There's just no way that those memories can go unnoticed and hidden for too long before they will naturally come bursting forth like a volcano erupting.

I cry at the most random times.  There can be many days in a row where I don't cry and where I think I'm doing okay, and then something will trigger a memory and I will find myself in a puddle once again.  That's okay though.  I try to just let the tears wash over me, because I know that crying it out is a   much healthier way to deal with my grief than to try to shove it inside.  Besides, I just don't operate that way.  I have to get it all out there, if you know what I mean.

I spent the weekend at a voice teacher conference/student competition a little ways north of here.  It was sort of nice to get away from home and to spend time with my colleagues and friends in the field.  We all descended onto a beautiful college campus where this event has been held for many years now.  Each year at the school, there happens to be a fun little craft fair that always lands on the same weekend as our conference.  Two years ago was the first year that I went to the conference as a teacher and not as a student.  (I used to compete at this competition when I was in college and before I went to grad. school.)  Anyway, when I went two years ago and discovered the craft fair, I was directed by a friend of mine to go and see the beautiful hand painted glass ornaments that some sweet, older ladies create.  Immediately I knew I had found something very unique, and in my opinion, these ornaments are the best part of the craft show.  I met one of the ladies two years ago and asked her if she would please personalize two ornaments for my Bug and Buzz with their names and the years.  One is a dragonfly and I cannot remember right now what the other ornament is.  But the kids love them, and we have put them on our tree the last few years.

This year, I've been wanting to find a special ornament for my Solveig.  I remembered about the ornament ladies at the craft show and sought them out yesterday.  It was there that I met sweet Ingrid and shared with her my story...

"Hi, I bought two of your ornaments a few years ago for my children and they love them."

Ingrid replied, "oh wonderful!  They must be careful with the ornaments so that they don't break them."

"Yes indeed, " I said, "I try to make sure that they are very careful and that they just look at the ornaments and that they don't touch them."

And then, I tried to muster up the strength to ask her what I had been preparing to ask her for a few days..."do you ever paint angels?"

"Yes, I have painted angels before.  What kind of angel were you thinking about?" she said.

My face started to get red, and the tears started to pour out of my eyes.  I could barely speak, but I said, "we lost our baby girl 8 months ago to late term stillbirth...and I was hoping that you could paint me a little baby angel with dark brown hair...her name is Solveig Sofia...and she was born still on February 29, 2012."

Ingrid started to get tears in her eyes as well, and she replied, "yes, of course I can do that for you.  It might take me a little while, but just check back in a little bit."

I kept checking back with Ingrid to see the progress.  It was so incredible to watch this work of art happening before my very eyes.  Ingrid asked me at one point, "what color would you like her robe to be?"

"Pink...pale pink.." was all I could must out of my blubbering mouth.

Ingrid replied, "yes, that was exactly what I was thinking anyway, but I wanted to make sure to confirm it with you first."

A little while later, I came back and the ornament was complete.  She showed it to me to make sure that I would approve.  Of course I did.  It was the most amazing thing to me that someone would create this beautiful ornament to honor my daughter...and the likeness of the painting was so uncanny...there she was with her dark brown hair, not long yet, round face, brown eyes and pink rosy cheeks...just like me...and just like what I think she really would look like if she had life when she was born.  We never did get to see her eyes, so to see a representation of her with brown eyes was just awesome.  I'm sure that's what they would be, as her big brother and sister have brown eyes as well.

Ingrid then said, "This is a gift.  I want you to have this."

Stunned and taken aback, I said, "but Ingrid, I was going to pay you."

"No, no.  I want to give this to you," she replied.

I immediately reached out and gave her a hug and we shared tears.  Sweet Ingrid blessed me in such a deep way with that little glass ornament.  Solveig's name and birthdate also were painted on the ornament.  It is a most precious and unique keepsake that I will always treasure.  Soon I will try to post a picture of it.

God is good.  He shows up in special ways at times when I least expect it...and the ornament from Ingrid and her kindness and understanding to me are some of those special ways.  That goodness is some of what keeps me going each day.

Thank you Lord, for showing yourself to me and blessing me in my fragility.